Making friends as an adult

I started at 11 too... I just didn't try to stop it until I was 15. I have a thread about it here: https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/recovery-from-fantasy-and-roleplay.329701/
Don't open the spoilers unless you want to, but you'll see I have had the same problem. Devolved into a lot of nasty stuff. Porn doesn't even do it for me, hasn't in a while.

Getting past 60 days feels good yes, I feel a lot better about myself. Nothing magical, but learning to notice the small things, little improvements helps you value it on a day-to-day basis instead of a year-to-year basis.

Let me ask you a question though. If a genie approached you and said that if you sat and felt depressed for a year straight, not one day of break for porn, masturbation, whatever, that he would make you into a strong, confident man, and that by the end of it you wouldn't have to sit and feel depressed anymore, you wouldn't even be tempted by porn anymore... would you accept?

 

Well, I'm not a genie, but I can tell you it is a sure thing. I am only ~60 days in. Calculator tells me that's 1/6th of a year, little less. My temptation to go back to roleplays, something I could not give up for a decade, is minuscule. Do I think about it every now and again? Yeah I do. Sometimes I want to go back still, I ask myself why I'm climbing this mountain. But just a little more than two months ago, I was skipping work to masturbate, I was spending my entire evening and staying up late writing chapters of what could have been a fantasy sex novel for less-than-interesting one or two sentence replies from a partner who was in it just to get off. I was absolutely out of control, again no sugar coating. My life was spiraling from "I'm depressed and lonely" into "I'm going to lose my job right after I become a vr-porn-game addict" right before my eyes.

Nowadays, I think about it every 1-2 days. That's a hell of a lot better and in only 1/6th of the time the genie promised. Try it, try it for real. Get mad if you have to, let that anger stay instead of calming it with masturbation and porn. The anger will pass on its own, it'll just take a little longer, and you'll be one day closer to never having that problem again.

 

This is quite a sad reality, but I believe it is real. Most of the adult males I know have few friends with whom they are actually close, if any. Most men are unwilling to be emotionally available, we could have a whole long discussion about the "why"... Nevertheless, that emotional openness is important. I've found that the more "real" I am with people, the more they open up to me, even if it is still not very much.
I don't mean "real" like "real talk" or "real shit" the way people use it nowadays. I mean honesty - unabashed, vulnerable admission of what you feel without sugar coating or fear of offense. Sure a lot of people don't get it, but the ones that do - they are the ones worth keeping around.

 

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you did too much, too fast. It's the same thing as the people who think "cold approaches" are a good idea.

If someone came up to you and within 30 minutes of meeting you, they had spilled all their problems, what would you think? Maybe looking at it now, you can say "well I'd be surprised and want to chat with them", but in the moment? I know I would be pretty concerned or thinking "what do they want to get...", and I consider myself a pretty compassionate and understanding person. On this forum, it's whatever, because I know that everyone here is emotionally hurt or has been, and the point is that it is a support group for recovering addicts, so I kinda expect people to open up a little faster. It doesn't work that way in person, unless you are at a group therapy session or an alcoholics anonymous meeting.
You have to build trust first. Start small. "Read the room", if you will, try and judge whether they are ready for you to get closer to them or not.

 

Y'all. I get where you're coming from. This stuff sucks. Life is rough, it's hard to get through and absolutely, it feels pointless, sometimes more than just "time to time".
But if you keep telling yourself that it can't get better, then it won't. Good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who work for those good things and patiently wait for the time when they reap the fruits of their labor. Good friends are not going to fall into your lap in the same way that a good and loving wife will not suddenly appear in your life and want you at first sight.

In the Buddhist tradition they say that true enlightenment and thus happiness come from the rejection of desire for things, or in other words, being happy with what you have allows you to see all new things that come your way as good, because you are already in a state of contentment. In the Christian faith, we have numerous verses and guiding principles which say a very similar thing: "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart" - Psa 27:14 NKJV. I am no theologian, these are the only two religious traditions I am familiar enough with to cite.

This stuff takes time. That's why we're trying to find ways to increase our chances, not waste good opportunities, and broaden our understanding here. We want those good things, close friends whom we love and trust in, right? Let's not reject the possibility based on our former experiences.

 

That's good to hear! I am seeing very small successes as well. I have some acquaintances or people I know who work at local cafes I frequent. I try and chat with them, here's a good one for some of you: When the clerk/barista/whatever asks for a name for the order, ask for their name too. I haven't met one yet, male or female, who wasn't interested in at least sharing their name. Then next time I see them, I try to address them by name. Remembering their name makes a huge difference! Now sometimes I go to places and they know what I'm going to order before I even get to the register.

Totally agree about the "expecting instant results" and "not allowing for the normal conditions". I've been at this for about 8 months now, still feel like I'm just getting started... but most of my time is spent working or studying, so I don't get a lot of opportunities.

I'm considering taking up a part-time job at a local cafe just for the social aspect. I don't need the income I just need some time to chill around people. Once I'm done with school and I have a little more free time, that might be a good way to not end up sad and alone in my apartment on the weekends.

 

honestly I wonder if it's that simple sometimes.... although I'll be honest I'm not sure that I'm confident enough to walk up to a truly random person and be that direct!