Making friends as an adult

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some advice on meeting new friends after exiting formal education. I mean like, out of high school, done with college, working in a non-social kind of job. I'm a software engineer working mostly from home, and while I have met some people at work, I think "work friends" and "life friends" are generally good to keep separate unless you have good reason to make an exception. I'm also not looking for advice specifically on meeting women, though of course that is welcome too. I think good platonic relationships are an important part of your romantic relationship, to prevent you from becoming dependent and subsequently attached to your s/o for your social needs.

As far as I'm aware, making friends as an adult is difficult because you don't have regular and frequent non-planned social interactions with people. A good example of this is classes in college: you might only see those people 2-3 times a week, but you do see them regularly and have chances to casually interact without having to be like "Hi I'm [name], wanna be friends?"
Here's a video about it that some of y'all have probably seen:

(safe, from healthygamer)

I thought it was an interesting video but it didn't really answer my question. How do you even get started? I'll admit I'm an odd duck: I'm the "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" kind of guy, I have like no normal interests. Everything I enjoyed when I was a kid was somehow engineering related, with the exceptions being video games and... masturbating :/
I haven't had any luck really in going to public places like cafes or restaurants, and I really don't think that sitting at a bar on a Friday night is the way to go, plus I'm not a heavy drinker so I would not last long... When I was doing a therapy program a few months ago, spending time in public places and then "starting conversation with people who look interesting" was some advice I got, but I never did figure out how to make that actionable. I don't think it's possible to tell if someone is going to even be friendly just by looking at them, let alone a good friend.

Anyone have better ideas?
I'll share what I learn too, if I find anything.

 

Been there a lot of times myself. It's a dangerous spiral that's really hard to break out of - but that it absolutely is worth breaking. "In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world" Jn 16:33.
At the very least, you know you're not alone in your struggle. This thread is evidence that there is at least one other person out there who understands you in some capacity and, who is willing to listen and offer what help he can from afar.
I know the struggle of living in isolation - I moved 3000 miles away from everyone I knew for work and made 0 friends in 6 months. I spent days at a time without speaking a word to another person... but eventually I have started to get more comfortable with people at work, one of my friends moved nearby so I can see him for a little bit on weekends - it's enough to get by. If I can do it, you can do it too!

 

If I ever get the courage to learn how to actually dance it will be nothing short of a miracle! My mother always thought I should be "good at dancing" because of my hispanic roots or whatever, but kid-me always hated it.
I used to play viola and piano, but haven't done either in a long time now. I always felt self-conscious about it because the other people I played with were a lot more musically talented than I was and I couldn't keep up, even with practice. Some day though, when I get over that problem, going back to that could be fun.

 

Well, I think most people have pre-existing social groups by the time they get to the workplace. A freak like me who doesn't have one gets kinda left out - the assumption is that everyone has a group, so no need to reach out to new people and have them join you. It's an unfortunate, unintentional assumption. Similar stuff with like, pandemic causing people to lose their friends or not develop a social group during a life transition like school changes or joining the workforce in a place far from home or where your school was.
The chances are less, too. You no longer have regular, frequent, non-planned interactions with other people. Those things are like setting up kindling for a fire, and at that point you just need a spark in the right spot to make a new friend. You can have your flint and steel, but with no kindling you're never getting that fire started.

 

I had a good friend group at the end of my second year, but all of them were in that "outer circle" of people who I was comfortable with, but didn't trust. Almost 4 years later, I have two of them left, and while I do trust them, I feel like my relationship with them waxes and wanes. It's really hard of course because it's mostly long distance now and we're all busy finishing master's degrees online.
Outside of work I've been trying for 8 months to meet new people at local cafes on the weekends... the only thing I can make time for unfortunately because I can work on my thesis there.
In that time I have actually managed to make conversation with only two people, both of whom I never saw again. One of them thought I was trying to get with her and gave me a fake phone number, even though I did not make any advances suggesting a romantic interest, and the other, he and I were too different, there wasn't anything to connect on.

When I was doing therapy during some of those months, I asked my therapist a lot about how to go about making friends, we'd talk over what I had done that week to try and meet people and of course about my thoughts and behaviors. He was really great, but at one point I asked "is this just a rough patch? I don't see a way out of this even though I'm analyzing the options logically, I just have no time and no idea how to begin connecting with people because I don't have time to do more involved things" and he pretty much agreed with me... but what I can't figure out is what will happen when I'm done? I've lost all my interests to stress and unfortunately to this addiction. What do?

 

Yeah, this consistency is something I'm working on. When I spoke w/ a therapist some months ago, he also mentioned this, and it completely makes sense. I wouldn't assume much about someone after just one interaction, and certainly nothing good, so it makes sense that would be true for others as well. I am terrible at initiating any kind of interaction, having always been very introverted and having weird interests or inabilities.

Honestly, I need to start finding some normal interests, and then this will probably get easier. If I could ever re-discover what it means to have fun, or just do something that isn't "productive" or "meaningful", I might be able to build meaningful connections with people someday.

 

Well yeah, that's the issue I'm trying to figure out. I am bad at initiating and I know it. I'm really good at sustaining since, just like you, all of my lasting friendships I have always been the one trying to keep it alive through the tough times. I agree it's not right, but what can I do about it?

I believe that people are not changed by external influences. I have never once convinced someone to change their ways, but when someone actually wants to change, recover, etc. and they have the support to kick off that process, then they can change. My point in bringing this up is to say that I don't think I can do anything in particular to make other people initiate social interactions with me. Like no amount of trying to get fit, look "happy", whatever that is, or being "available" is going to make people initiate. What I can do though, and I don't like admitting this, is change myself. I can initiate. I just don't want to, because I'm socially anxious / terrible at it / have little to converse about / am very accustomed to rejection in both platonic and romantic settings / etc.

That change in myself doesn't mean I'm going to magically have friends who want to sustain the two-way street of a lasting relationship. It just increases my chances. If I don't try, I won't succeed. If I do try... I may succeed. I know that doesn't sound hopeful, but I am pragmatic to a fault. A chance of success is better than no chance, right?

 

I'm with ya. I have gone on so many walks / drives, spent so many nights talking to myself in utter rage, I mean true, unbridled anger where I have come so close to destroying things about this kind of stuff. It does feel insulting, I've definitely gotten mad at the few friends that I have when I feel like they don't value me the way I value them.
But that anger is aimless, and has only destructive energy like a tornado. It can't do anything good, it won't accomplish anything until I stop to think about why am I actually angry, dig deeper. Sometimes that takes hours, other times it takes weeks.

I won't deny I get into that thought trap a lot, even after so much improvement in my life. I get under a lot of pressure, stress, and masturbating and escaping to a submissive fantasy was my escape, and now I don't even have that. It absolutely sucks, no sugar coating here. But perseverance is the only way forward. Long term benefit always costs short term comfort. I think it's worth it. Sometimes looking back, I realize that those short-term comforts weren't so good after all.

 

That is the trap. You hit the nail on the head, the fact that it makes you feel good and mellow for the time you're doing it is exactly why it is so dangerous. Because it doesn't last. When you're done and you've made a mess - your emotions are a mess too.

When I finish, I usually felt some relief and a lot of shame. But with time I fought the shame until I didn't feel that anymore and I had "accepted" what I was doing. In my life of faith I told myself "This is just my cross to bear, I'm going to have this problem for the rest of my life." But it isn't true. It isn't true for me, it isn't true for you either. You and me and everyone else can beat this!
What got me was that I always hoped I would have that "post-nut clarity", to put it bluntly, and that I would be able to go back to being productive or whatever. But that never happened. I was always exhausted, and wanted to lay down, but what I really wanted was to lay down and cuddle someone who I loved dearly, and laying down in my bed alone after that, knowing what I wanted and that I couldn't have it, felt like the worst defeat. Hugging a pillow felt like getting kicked in the face, knowing it wasn't even good enough to be called a poor substitute for the real thing. Night after night. I won't speak for you, but that's what I feel, maybe you do too.

Even chemical reactions have an "activation energy", where you have to have a certain amount of thermal energy in the system in order for the reaction to start, but then once it does, it goes off with a bang. Gasoline and oxygen don't spontaneously combust in your fuel tank, they need a spark to get started, and with careful control and timing of that spark, the bang from that reaction gets your car moving.

It's the same with PMO, or fighting any mental condition, in my opinion / experience with certain conditions. You already have what you need to get started, and pushing through and resisting the urge to retreat is the spark that pushes you in the direction of recovery.

I'm not saying it's easy. I've been trying to undo this since I was 15, to first get, and then control that spark, and I have failed for 9 years until now. It's probably the most difficult thing I've ever done, more difficult than 13 consecutive technical interviews for a job I hate, more difficult than 5 years of engineering school trying to get two degrees in 5 years (and failing to do so), more difficult than moving 3000 miles away from the only two people I thought still cared about me. But I have faith that it will be more worth it than all those things too.

Don't retreat. Don't give up. I know that sounds stupid and non-actionable, but it isn't. There have been days where I have to take 100% of my energy to just resist, which means the next day I'm catching up on work I didn't do the day before. It sucks, but it isn't impossible. Faith doesn't make the difficult things easy, it makes the impossible things possible.