Ladies only

I didn't think I would have to explain that I meant in a sexual/intimate way. Seriously.

 

I just think that if you are going to come in and criticise all of the views, arguments and debates on an entire thread and profess your own view as being obvious, it is probably best to communicate it clearly. And I thought that the humour in my previous post was as obvious as the implication of the attention being sexual in your own. I am interested to find out: do all of the women in this thread genuinely think pmo is as bad as starting up a sexting conversation with another person?

 

@samnf1990 I think the disconnect you are feeling with the comparison is due to the fact that you are already "on board" with the idea that PMO can be harmful to a relationship and hurtful to a SO. So if you already think PMO can be bad than clearly involving others with sexting would be worse.

I think the comparison is more valuable for when a couple's view on PMO do not match. If a wife tells her husband that his PMO is hurtful, it is not very effective for her to say, "how would you feel if I did PMO"? The husband would likely be fine with this scenario as he doesn't find anything wrong with using P. The idea is that a more extreme comparison has to be made to inspire empathy in the husband.

If I discovered that my wife had been texting and sending nudes to men I would experience a full range of emotions; shock, anger, betrayal, sadness, feelings of inadequacy. These same emotions are what some SO's experience when they find out their partner has been using P.

 

As @noexcuses stated it's about evoking empathy in the other. Most PMOers don't find their addiction harmful, when their spouse's life is literally destroyed. The comparison is to try to evoke emotion so the PMOer understands the level of being destroyed by that action. I know for a fact that my husband's life would be beyond shattered if I ever did anything that was sexually away from him (nudes, porn [now], texting sexually to other guys, dating apps, etc). He would feel the betrayal I would feel, so hence the more intense comparison. When I first told him he didn't get it and told me I was wrong. Now if I back then used the comparison maybe it would have evoked some type of empathy, I think that's the point of that example.

 

So the comparison of these two scenarios as equal is not believed, but rather a tool for eliciting guilt from a partner? If you don't believe the two are equitable then you shouldn't tell your partner that they are. If you have forgiven them for p use they may well come to the conclusion that sexting would also be forgiven. Id always gobfor honesty, rather than whatever provokes the desired emotional response...

 

What is this post in response to? I can't work is out.

 

Another quick disclaimer, as I feel I am coming across as confrontational and difficult. I don't mean to upset anyone. Just let me know if I am bothering you.

 

Ah , there is some misunderstanding here. To many SO's, including me, the PMO use is just as painful as cheating, and the comparison can be drawn in the way it makes you feel. So using this as a tool to evoke empathy is oftentimes necessary. It is not (and should not) be meant to elicit guilt, but solely understanding. I can completely understand why this might sound awful to you, but it's not used out of spite, at least on many of our parts.

I would hope that many PA's would have the sense to conclude that this does not give them a free ride on other "more insidious" behaviours. If they are taking that leap, they are not taking the process or the addiction seriously in the first place.

 

You're not being unkind, do not worry.

 

Here's a story that will help offer some perspective on this topic of porn vs. sexting pics.

I recently worked with an actor who came up to me on set said said, "So, yesterday, my girlfriend asked me to play the 'Hall Pass' game. I said, 'what's that?"

"You know, it's when you pick any two people, and if you ever get the opportunity to have sex with them, you get a hall pass."

"Hmmm. I don't know about this. But okay, I'll play. You go first."

"Well ... I would pick Viggo Mortensen and Jude Law."

"Oh my. Those are great choices. I don't blame you."

"Okay, good. Now your turn."

*after a moment of thought*

"I'd probably have to say your sister Rachel, and your best friend Amanda."

I laughed my ass off. "See, it's funny, right?" he said ... "she didn't think it was very funny."

The point couldn't be more obvious. Celebrities and porn stars are far-off fantasies, totally detached from reality. Real-life Facebook friends are people who you actually know. The threat to a relationship from sexting a FB friend, I believe, is far more serious than any infatuation with a celebrity that someone will never meet. I would hope that my lustful attraction to my favorite porn star would be less frightening to my partner (my hypothetical partner ... I'm single, just FYI ladies, lol) than if I were lusting after someone in my real-life circle of influence, or worse, hers.

That's not to say that lusting after a porn star is healthy either ... but I think to compare the two as if they're similar in degree feels a bit disingenuous.

 

Me and my SO talked about this the other day.
I was a know the pstar kind of girl and he was a Google any girl in his category
Could have been (after millions of clicks) at least 20 girls in our city.
Our backyard.

 

Sorry, I'm not following you. Are you saying that you would have potentially known the porn stars of your supposed fantasies?

If so, it's kind of the same issue--it's the potential for real-life connection that's the more threatening thing. That's not to say that a husband's PMO addiction doesn't cause serious feelings of betrayal and destruction--but I make up that PMO addiction is less damaging than a drawn-out, secret affair with another flesh-and-blood woman (or several).

It's much easier to let go of distant fantasies than it is to let go of real-life connection. I've had a lot of euphoric recall in my life, and it's never been about PMO. Euphoric recall has always been about the times I experienced raw passion and intensity with another person--and those mental images are much more threatening to any relationship than fantasies about my favorite busty porn stars.

 

I can name them and their movies - I was picky, once a long long long time ago (like I've said before it's not like porn wasn't a No, until the lying) he was a Google any girl.... And every girl.
We have fought about this.
Because it was every girl.
Any actress, model... Pick category, type and then... Fliiippppp!!!! Threw youtube or Google images or hub sites. Just any day.
Hence the ever ending Star List.
And he remembers them all.
I now I have to look at the names.
He's "taking responsibility" to not look again or store/make more memories of them.
His idea. (-, -)

 

I can see where a real life person is more threatening, but what about those (who actually start falling in love with pstars, i've heard stories) where the pmoer is literally sendind the pstar pics of himself and she in return (I've heard of a story of a partner where her husband actually thought him paying to be a part of her chat group and her replying to him meant she loved him back)? That is a pstar, and there is interaction on some level, it's not just watching at that point? Thoughts on interaction with pstars whether through camming signing up for their snapchat group or other social media stuff where they personally send you nudes and you can send back?

Also on a netflix documentary "Hot Girls Wanted: Turned on" (BTW DO NOT WATCH IF YOU'RE A PA HIGH TRIGGERS IN THAT DOCUMENTARY) there was a webcam girl who was actually married! Her husband (I felt so bad for him) shared her with all these men, and he was very sad about it but the webcam girl continued. The webcam girl actually built an emotional online relationship with one of her clients and the client flew her from USA to Australia so they could meet. The client had fallen in love with the camgirl (despite knowing she was married) and the camgirl once in Australia realized what a fantasy world she was in and saw how damaging her job was to those who watched her. She saw that her client was in love with her and she wasn't in the slightest. I can't remember if she kept camming after that experience but I can't tell you how happy her husband was once she was back home, the husband actually joked about her client from Australia as her "online boyfriend." He was in some serious pain...

 

I disagree that they are different. They are both a betrayal of the other person in the relationship.

 

Honestly, physical cheating would have been easier on me that chronic, secretive PMO.