Lack of urges during reboot/recovery

Habits are difficult to break. The lying and covering up is all part of the habit. There is a cycle of using (just this once won't hurt) and covering up (if she knew, she'd be hurt, so I'll cover my tracks). The PA can always justify the next hit by looking at past successes. (I did it before and got away with it and it is going to be such fun). The more times they get away with it, the more the risk seems comparatively small compared with the gain (the perfect wank).

It takes that rock-bottom moment to break the cycle. The risk is suddenly huge and completely dwarfs the gain. (My marriage is on the line now). At Rock bottom (which may or may not be D-Day) the PA has the fog roll back and sees that risk and reward are completely out of balance (quick wank v ruined life).

It is only after that revelation that quitting becomes possible - maybe even easy. Yes there is still the brain chemistry to correct, and the triggering situations to negotiate, but the big step forward has been made in that he can finally see the destructive behaviour for what it was.

Does that make sense?
ANH

 

My husband says he is finding it really easy. The first couple of weeks were hard for him not to M but he says he never had urges for porn, because he knew it was P that had messed everything up so bad and he hated it. Of course this was after 7 months of p-subs (before we knew it was a PA), so maybe he had already weaned himself off it some, I don't know.

 

I totally agree with @anewhope, once more!
Hitting the rock bottom is what made the difference for me, as well! After that urges are meaningless comparing with the danger of losing my family!

 

I'm glad you brought this up, @Broken81. My bf has only had 2-3 mild urges since Sep. 26 according to our daily check-ins. I've wondered if he's being honest and how it could be this easy this time? Perhaps he really did finally see the effects of his PMO on me, our relationship, and himself. Perhaps he really did hit rock bottom as @anewhope said.

 

Nah... Recovery comes in waves.

 

I know that feeling very well.
We just had a whole week where he felt fine and I was a train wreck

 

My partner hasn't had crazy urges either-nor withdrawal symptoms. My CSAT said that it is quite common; that being found out is a huge relief to many PAs. And that addiction thrives in secrecy- so once the secret is out there is not as much of a pull to go back.
Someone (I will try to figure out who it was) had posted an interview with Patrick Carnes and it was really interesting. He said that in the first 40 days of sobriety, the addicts brain is exceptionally busy calming itself down and sorting itself out. 90 days after that, most addicts go through a huge period of emotional upheaval. Essentially burried and repressed emotions come up and it is a very emotional time (in my husband's case this was shockingly correct). He also said that most relapses happen at or after 6 months-I suspect because the emotions are still overwhelming and the addict desires escape. Thanks for the tag @Broken81 I hope this all reassures you!

 

Yup that’s why I always hear “I thought we were good”. I think healing comes in waves and phases too. We get in our own heads doubting if we’re missing something and it sucks.

But I also agree w what @anewhope said. He’s great at explaining from the male perspective!

 

I thought my husband had to be lying about not having any urges. But, I can usually tell when he was lying, and I didn't think he was. He made a lot of changes though to almost everything about his life and also changed his routines, which I think was a huge help. He also figured out the why to how all this started and we addressed that. I guess it is possible for it to be easy, it just isn't the norm. I questioned it a lot, too. Now, I don't.

 

Triggers and urges ARE different.
Urges are internal... They are a inside drive to want to p or m.
Triggers are outside forces or stimulus that makes someone aroused/appealing that can lead to p/m.
My SO only had a few urges also... However he was, is, incredibly trigger happy.
He was extremely influenced by his surroundings.
This was a huge overall key to his true libido.... In my opinion.
I guy can't say that they are a porn addict due to "high sex drive" and not be driven by internal urges.
If that makes sense.
Anyways, i was getting off topic...
Make sure you are using the right terms.
Make sure he's aware of the right terms.
It makes a difference in healing.
I say this as someone who made a lot of mistakes two years ago.

EXAMPLES-
Trigger - that billboard is sexy picture.

Or this place is somewhere I used to M and it puts me in a M mindset.
= both are Triggering to do something, a call to act on it from the environment.



Urge- doing the dishes and suddenly thinking about porn.

Reading the newspaper and suddenly want to go to the bathroom and M.

=Both are internal urges.
A drive from inside to act or behave a certain way.

Hope this helps.

 

My husband had said something along these lines as well- that he never PMOd bevause he was "horny", but that he forced himself to and went to P to get aroused in order to PMO. He said that many times he would PMO with a flaccid penis and O anyhow. He was chasing the O to escape. I wonder if many men who get addicted do so for a similar reason: trying to manage emotions.....

 

I have also heard from my SO that he triggers more when he's emotional (avoiding actual emotions) and would see 'more' or be aware of his 'environmental triggers' more then go to m&then p and then binge.
Whatever would completely numb him out to whatever was going on.

 

I think a pattern is forming here...

Maybe it's me tho...