Impasse - Battle of Phone Access

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Husband refuses to put accountability app on his phone unless I unlock mine. I told him I would give him access once he has regained trust. (Given his recent use of incognito, blantant lying to my face several weeks ago, and relentless gaslighting— there is a long road to magical trust land.)

    He says: “I'm not trying to fix a broken relationship. I'm trying to grow from the ashes of it. We are either going to grow together or we aren't. I'm not interested in your restrictions after the 90 day under any scenario. I feel like the 90 days is wholly unreasonable but am still going on with it. You can consider all the things I have done as progress or not. It's your call. It's your heart. The truth you know may be the only truth you ever know. I want to keep loving you and always will but I cant keep buckling to unhelpful demands. I will put the app on my phone when yours is unlocked. I will take it off at 90 days. I will do what's best for me because you wont let me do what will help us. Please get out the house today and see some sunshine. It's a nice day. I want to know what it will look like after the 90 days. Is it going to be like this? How do you see it changing? I mean realistically.”

    I’ve mentioned the idea we go different directions for Thanksgiving. He responds:

    “Your choices seperate us. Why do you think that's better?”

    I had no say in the way he spent over a decade betraying me. I cannot stomach him trying to dictate how my trust is recovered.

    I guess this is an impasse. Not sure where to go from here. I’m open to marriage counseling. I just feel like he’s making me sick in my core.
     
  2. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Oooppphhh.
    My SO tried the same thing. Demanding I unlock my phone or he wouldn't keep Ever Accountable on his.
    Stand your ground. If he wants to give you that "after 90 days" BS start making an exit plan. Your recovery is not up to him. It literally took me honestly not giving a shit what my SO did anymore for him to make major attitude changes. He lost me emotionally and has been working hard since to gain my trust and fix us.
    This is so frustrating. I'm sorry you have to go through it.
     
  3. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Pay close attention to what @Katrina Rose has to say here. She is right on point.
    OK, that's on your Boundaries list is it not? Execute the Consequence for it. The answer is "NO". I'll say it again. This is not a tit4tat agreement. "You will install the accountability software I prescribe unconditionally. Period!". Discussion over! And just turn around, and walk away. DO NOT engage him in this conversation any further. It's the same protocol I use when I have to let someone go. I simply set a box of tissue on the corner of the desk, and I say "I'm sorry, but your services are no longer needed". That's it! Nothing you say or they say is going to change the dynamic of the situation.
    LOL, no shit! That's an understatement.
    "Right! Of course you are! And your actions/reactions exhibit the exact opposite." There is no phoenix rising out of the ashes with him.
    Yep, that too is an understatement. However, he is the one having put you in the position to choose. And you are choosing to live a life free of his addictive behaviors (all of them). He is acting so much like an addict not in recovery.
    Just nod and wave. Just nod and wave. I wouldn't even dignify that with a response. If he does the 90 days and is genuinely in recovery (which he's not), then he will discover all of his actions/reactions leading up to now were outrageous. He will be remorseful and so sorry for all he has done to you. Of course if he's not, then it won't make any difference will it? You'll know what you have to do.


    Well damn, we agree on something. He's right. "...It's your call..." Not his!
    Hmmm, wonder what that is supposed to mean.
    These are not "...unhelpful demands...". These are the boundaries you have set in order for you to feel safe and secure in your environment and in the relationship. So, if he can't live with it? He can live without it. "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out."
    "NOPE!" "You will put the app on your phone unconditionally" Conversation over.
    "NOPE!" "You will take it off when I feel safe. Or we go our separate ways, whichever occurs first." Conversation over.
    Seriously? He had the nerve to say that? "If you wanted to do what was best for 'us', you'd do whatever you had to so as to fulfill my boundaries such that I can feel safe again and trust you again." Conversation over". BTW, you don't need to say this in your out loud voice, but the fact of the matter is, Nothing you are doing is for "us" It is all for YOU.

    That's quite patronizing.
    Yeah me too. I'm not too optimistic at this point.
    "NO". It's going to go one of two ways:
    1. You get your head out of the sand or the orifice of your choice and embrace your addiction and the necessity to own it and fix it
    2. You do nothing, and we go about our separation process
    Well, read 1 & 2 above.
    If that is what you feel is necessary, do what you must do to find joy. Trust me on this, your happiness on this holiday supersedes his abusive power in the relationship. Go have Thanksgiving with your family. He can go eat at Denny's. I'm sure they'll have a Thanksgiving Day Special. And for the record, his actions/reactions are his choices. If you feel the need, do it.
    Then stand your ground. I really hate that you are enduring this bullshit right before Thanksgiving because I know in my heart it will forever taint your memory of this wonderful holiday experience. I know. I'm having to work very hard at mine, and I brought it all down on myself.
    Go do whatever you have to do to feel safe. It is that simple, yet it is so difficult to take that step.
    And I'd say don't waste your money at this point in time. A marriage counselor WILL NOT help with this addiction. Besides, in his state of mind right now, he WILL lie his ass off to the therapist. He will make it look as though it is you that is the problem, thus gaslighting you all over again. He will only go to a marriage counselor to patronize you at this point in time. He needs sexual/pornography addiction help first and foremost. Any counseling he receives needs to have that as a cornerstone, or should I say foundation, of his recovery.
    Because he is.

    Look, stand your ground. Don't allow him to bully you into a damn thing you don't want to do. I'm telling you, I did this to my wife. It is ugly, nasty, and reprehensible. If you do, you will definitely be sorry. I am NOT a supporter of leaving and not trying to work things out. But he isn't trying. He is bullying you and being emotionally and mentally abusive to you. It is uncalled for. And it is wrong. Put a stop to it. You deserve happiness in you life. DO NOT put up with this shit any more than absolutely necessary. And absolutely necessary only comes with him making valid attempts at recover - not this horseshit he is passing off as recovery.

    Last, I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. Hang in there. When you take care of yourself, it WILL get better.
     
  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I thought that was pretty kryptic too. “The truth you know may be the only truth you ever know.” Because he’s so skilled at covering his tracks...

    Thanks for all the remarks, Ghost! You build me up and even made me smile and chuckle a couple times.

    I may still need your help with consequences. I read the thing you sent last time about natural consequences vs punishments. Does that mean I determine a consequence for each unique situation or determine that upfront, umbrella style?
     
  5. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    You have the tools. You make it whatever you deem appropriate to your situation. If it calls for independent consequences for each, that's what you do. You may have some die hard consequences such as "If you do this...", then we're done. "If you do that...", then you sleep in another room for a week. You get the idea. Take a stab at it, bounce it off of me, and let's see where we are and reconcile it.
     
  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Well at the moment I think Thanksgiving may be the consequence of him not putting the accountability app back on his phone. Of his own volition he slept on the cot yesterday and yet the day before when I asked him to do so he refused (so I slept in the guest bed/nursery). I don’t get it. Part of me fears he went to the cot to be secretive in whatever phone activity he’s hiding.
     
  7. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    He wants to be in control . He slept in the cot because he CHOSE to ;)
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Exactly. Nobody can ever say “… You made me do it…“. Nobody can ever say “… You caused me to do it…“ Nobody can ever say “… You forced me into it…” Everybody can say “… I made the choice to do it…“.
     
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  9. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Have you shown him the helping her heal videos? or any of those videos from this guy? They might help him understand that what he is doing isn't going to help you heal and trust.
     
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  10. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Trying! There are some good nuggets in that. I’ve shared it with him. May be a coin toss whether he actually watches it or not. I have a whole audiobook about intimacy betrayal which I’ve suggested a couple times that he listen to— to get an idea of what I’m going through. I don’t think he’s paid any mind to that. But I listened to his audiobook about sex addiction... standard protocol for me to do more work in our relationship.
     
  11. Rambling Man

    Rambling Man Fapstronaut

    I've dealt with some dangerous individuals over the years and, I guess, some things became second nature; only after I finished reading his diatribe did I realize I was in preventive mode: Impassive face and slow breathing, but using peripheral vision to watch the exits and find objects I could adapt for defense. I don't know anything about your husband in particular or your situation—therefore I'm not by any means making any claim about him—but his words brought about memories relating to people of one of the most dangerous types I've encountered: Those who can behave virulently, then, with a smile, offer some ice cream a minute later. Blessed is the soul of everyone who, watching this video, animation though it may be, doesn't recognize anyone in it and won't remember the loveliest things. Now, let's get out of the house today and see some sunshine, it's a nice day" who's for Chinese? :emoji_frowning2:
     
  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I do have moments where I really wonder who he is and what his true motivations are. The last time I knew he was lying, it was eerie how he delivered the lie flawlessly, looking me dead in the eye. I never would have questioned it if I didn’t have proof. No wonder he doesn’t want to have the accountability software. Sidebar: he was also suspiciously vehemently opposed and upset at the notion of taking a polygraph test. I know there are reasons they aren’t great— but the man got riled up about it. And this is the same man that was completely calm the night he confessed his compulsion to chat online with girls (posing as a woman) since he was 14. (Also strange.) I don’t know how deep his dishonesty goes.
     
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  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    That gave me a brilliant idea. PM me later and remind me. Let’s talk about it! LOL, I so smart!
     
  14. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    So tonight he conceded to the accountability software. Huzzah. And then went on to discuss the cycles of badness in our relationship and how we need to set a time limit. He wants some benefit, some excitement out of this. Yeah buddy don’t we all. He’s really squandered a lot of what I have to offer. Years ago I dressed up sexy for him and he laughed. And at the risk of sounding vain I’ll just put it out there that I’m attractive. Even more so before babies. So yeah. This probably needs to be filed somewhere under misdirection but I’m all out of ducks tonight.
     
  15. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Update: I think this video helped soften him! It was at least part of the reason he came around. Thanks again!
     
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  16. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Great!
    Well, there went "Great!" No, "we don't need to set a time limit".
    LOL, he wants "...some excitement out of this..."? "...He wants some benefit..." How old is he now? 11? 12? His consolation prize is "He gets to stay married to you". And if he acts like a decent considerate human being instead of a pompous arrogant jackass, he may just benefit from your love, affection, sex, and most of all, intimacy. LOL, "what's in it for me?" SMDH!
    Yep, that's too bad too. That is a fine example of a "Natural Consequence".
    Well that was real stupid. And why did you do it? "...for him..."!
    Ya know, that's really cool. And you know why? Most women at your stage of the game have had their self-esteem so destroyed, no matter how beautiful they are, they have convinced themselves that they are ugly.
     
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  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Yay! That's awesome.
     
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  18. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    May you please explain an accountability app? I may consider telling my SO about this to help me out. Thank you
     
  19. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'm doing a doug Weiss program right now... He does the helping her heal videos btw
    And he says on apps and 90 days etc
    For the first part and being equal....
    He (your addict) has to turn TWARDS you.
    You don't need to respond until 90 days of continuous improvement and recovery.
    However it does no good for your drunk to be healing and you not to be healing from the drunks damage on the marriage... Essentially,(yes he treats porn - this is the example), if you unlock your phone or get a accountable app, you don't need to respond or give the permission to the addict until after 90 days.
    Give the code to someone else.
    A trusted party.
    It's ok to show your addict you are taking steps to heal, also... But not heal together until they show you that they are also healing in their own..... After the 90 days mark.
    And doug Weiss has had 30 years of experience and success with addiction... So that's his opinion.
    Just FYI.
     
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  20. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Curious— how would an accountability app on my phone for some other trusted person be relevant to my healing?
     

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