Impasse - Battle of Phone Access

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    To make sure you aren't punishing yourself by overlooking at his history and comparing. By making sure you aren't becoming depressed by using the internet to increase your sadness or anxiety.
    By using your phone as a means of contact.
    Your buddy can have a list of triggers words specific to you so when you trigger or have a bad day they know to reach out to you and help you so you arent isolated.
    This in no way should be given to a person who is hurting you or refusing to help himself.
    Betrayal trauma is no joke tho and needs regular self care.
    You should be doing things for yourself at every stage of grief.
     
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  2. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Gotcha, that makes sense. There was a point where I was obsessing a bit about his online activity but I’m tired of expending much energy on it. I feel like I’m at a different level now.
     
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  3. Check out my resources thread, show some of the stuff to him, it might open up his eyes. The resources are also beneficial to you as well. I usually point anyone new to the site to the thread I made, it's helped a lot of people through their journey!
     
    Trappist likes this.
  4. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    That's a fair and honest assessment.
     
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  5. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    It sounds to me like your husband was never praised as a child. Never really acknowledged for his efforts, let alone accomplishments.
    Is it likely his mother belittled his father often in front of him?
    It seems he isn't keen to doing things by your suggestion, even if the original idea or thought was his, ie. the book.
    I don't know your personal history so I can only offer thoughts steming from my own experience. I feel like as far as recovery goes in the betrayal trauma aspect, we're just a few steps away from eachother. You have children involved, so of course it's a little more difficult in your sitiation.
    You are the law right now. A husband is supposed to protect you, keep you safe, love you. He failed. There is no excuse for it. If he was unhappy with you before all of this started he should have been an adult and voiced that to you instead of hiding in porn like a little coward. It's not up to him what he does or does not have to do to keep his family together. You didn't sign up for this. Your kids didn't sign up for this. He will do what he needs to prove to you he can be a real husband or you will leave him. Simple as that. He wants to believe the grass is greener over there???? I don't know, a life hiding away at home so you can PMO doesn't sound rewarding to me. While you flourish and rebuild with your kids he'll be zoning out on a screen, ALONE. And he'll stay alone. You cannot build heathy relationships with other people DURING ACTIVE ADDICTION. It's impossible. He's sabotaging his own happiness as well as yours.
    You are very patient, and very strong. Put 100% of your energy in YOU and building yourself up right now. You shouldn't have to hold his hand, and the fact that he refuses to take initiative and has the audacity to try to set the terms and boundaries himself tells me he isn't ready for this. He doesn't want to stop at this point. Was there a rock bottom? Right now he doesn't realize what's at stake.
     
  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    He was overshadowed by his sister who had academic success and admiration. By comparison he has never been competitive nor as concerned with grades. But apparently achievement was the primary means for any recognition. His father is the most withdrawn person I have ever encountered. His parents didn’t fight in front of their kids, but as adults his mom will openly convey disdain/frustration towards his father. His father is pretty much a shell of a person. Rarely does anything but work and watch tv. Does not engage socially much at all.

    My husband is deeply insecure despite being quite attractive. He receives compliments and attention from even strangers and I tell him the same. Yet he is not convinced of worth and likewise has a hard time giving me compliments and praise.

    Thanks for building me up! I’m gradually getting a better grip on the position I need to hold for the sake of my health. It is definitely a change to focus on myself. I wish I had more free time. Three kiddos and freelance projects always looming makes that scarce but I’m trying.
     
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  7. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Please, please,please....
    If he deletes this software, or violates any other known boundary, you have to give him rock bottom. Learn from my mistakes. If you don't give him rock bottom now he will destroy you over and over again until you do.
     
    Trappist, 0111zerozero11 and Vixen like this.
  8. If you smeeeeeellll what the rock..... is cookin’ :D
     
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