Impasse - Battle of Phone Access

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Vixen, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’m using Accountable2You but there are other more popular options. (Chose a more secular one since my husband isn’t religious). It monitors and records all his phone activity. It will alert me via text/email if there is questionable activity such as porn, sex, etc. And you can add your own red flag words too.
     
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  2. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    This made me very sad. Does he take an interest in other things you care about or are interested in? I think that acting this way cant be isolated, because most people would probably ignore interests much smaller then this but DEFINATELY take notice of the big hints and interests when a relationship is struggling. The fact he didn't tells me the small things lacked first. This was a way for him to engage in something you identified with and relate your experience but he didn't care?

    Are these moments increasing or decreasing?

    You remembered this from a long time ago. It must have hurt. What happened after it? This is juvenile behavior at best. Please explain that this was a laugh of delight or some type of uncontrollable expression of joy rather then a demeaning or insulting chuckle to express "oh how cute, she is trying to be sexy for me" which is what is sounds like.
     
  3. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Actually often it seems to have the opposite affect. When I was pregnant with our first child he took very little interest in baby related preparations. But then he got a book “And baby makes three” which is basically about knowing what to expect in the marriage to better adapt and circumvent uneccessary, yet common disputes and stress as a couple.

    So he took initiative to buy the book and I was excited. We had alternate work schedules at the time so I suggested we both take turns reading it when we were free and then discuss. The more I read the more I wanted to share and grow with him. Because disputes have been no alien to our relationship. But long story short he shut down and refused to ever read the very book he picked out. Because I took interest in it.

    One time he wrote a fictional short children’s story and I was excited to collaborate on the project. And so was he! At first. So I would help proof, edit and ultimately I would invest a good bit of time in creating the illustrations. Well, he showed complete resistance to doing absolutely any edits after I proofed it. And he shut down. Another disappointment because I was excited about that project. I’ve done writing in the past with tons of edits and proofs so his response was really odd to me.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2018
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  4. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    It was basically a scoff. Like how absurd. It definitely hurt.

    Knowing what I do now, this has a lot to do with my husband’s shame, cowardice and unhealthy qualms with his own sexuality. It’s weird and incongruent though because he will make sexual quips and act like he wants favors. Yet makes almost no imitative and case and point often doesn’t rise to the occasion.
     
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  5. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’ve thought about this a bit. With all this research into betrayal trauma, there’s a lot of discussion about overcoming the shame stories we tell ourselves.

    I’m the face of neglect, some women try to be extra accommodating. Seems like I’ve gone the opposite route. On some level I’ve known he had an issue all along. It frustrates the hell out of me and I’ve been very lonely. So I don’t really know if my self talk aligns with “I don’t deserve love.” But maybe more along the lines of feeling trapped by marriage and not knowing if better exists. My parents didn’t model a very engaged relationship either. And my husband’s parents were worse— they never showed affection. They went on separate vacations most of the time.

    I keep reminding myself that there is silver lining in knowing his closet tryst secrets. (Side bar he through a big pity party about losing his office after expecting new babies so I gave him my big closet to use as an office and so that’s where his deviant behavior occurred.)

    Silver lining: if things aren’t good (after some amount of time trying) I can leave in good conscience because his lies and infidelity are substantial reasons for me to walk away. It’s just shitty because I am bonded to him in many ways and I don’t want custody complications and drama for my kids. But there’s a threshold. We will see if things improve.
     
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  6. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    These moments of perplexed concern are increasing. Of course since DD in September I’ve gone through different phases of disconnect each time the climate grows colder or tainted by deception. So that could mean I’m becoming more objectively observant or more fearfully paranoid. I’m not sure. When he lied to my face effortlessly that struck something in my very core. I’m a very honest person and I now feel somewhat naive for having trusted he was the same.
     
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  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    To make sure you aren't punishing yourself by overlooking at his history and comparing. By making sure you aren't becoming depressed by using the internet to increase your sadness or anxiety.
    By using your phone as a means of contact.
    Your buddy can have a list of triggers words specific to you so when you trigger or have a bad day they know to reach out to you and help you so you arent isolated.
    This in no way should be given to a person who is hurting you or refusing to help himself.
    Betrayal trauma is no joke tho and needs regular self care.
    You should be doing things for yourself at every stage of grief.
     
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  8. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    Gotcha, that makes sense. There was a point where I was obsessing a bit about his online activity but I’m tired of expending much energy on it. I feel like I’m at a different level now.
     
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  9. Check out my resources thread, show some of the stuff to him, it might open up his eyes. The resources are also beneficial to you as well. I usually point anyone new to the site to the thread I made, it's helped a lot of people through their journey!
     
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  10. Max Fisher

    Max Fisher Fapstronaut

    That's a fair and honest assessment.
     
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  11. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    It sounds to me like your husband was never praised as a child. Never really acknowledged for his efforts, let alone accomplishments.
    Is it likely his mother belittled his father often in front of him?
    It seems he isn't keen to doing things by your suggestion, even if the original idea or thought was his, ie. the book.
    I don't know your personal history so I can only offer thoughts steming from my own experience. I feel like as far as recovery goes in the betrayal trauma aspect, we're just a few steps away from eachother. You have children involved, so of course it's a little more difficult in your sitiation.
    You are the law right now. A husband is supposed to protect you, keep you safe, love you. He failed. There is no excuse for it. If he was unhappy with you before all of this started he should have been an adult and voiced that to you instead of hiding in porn like a little coward. It's not up to him what he does or does not have to do to keep his family together. You didn't sign up for this. Your kids didn't sign up for this. He will do what he needs to prove to you he can be a real husband or you will leave him. Simple as that. He wants to believe the grass is greener over there???? I don't know, a life hiding away at home so you can PMO doesn't sound rewarding to me. While you flourish and rebuild with your kids he'll be zoning out on a screen, ALONE. And he'll stay alone. You cannot build heathy relationships with other people DURING ACTIVE ADDICTION. It's impossible. He's sabotaging his own happiness as well as yours.
    You are very patient, and very strong. Put 100% of your energy in YOU and building yourself up right now. You shouldn't have to hold his hand, and the fact that he refuses to take initiative and has the audacity to try to set the terms and boundaries himself tells me he isn't ready for this. He doesn't want to stop at this point. Was there a rock bottom? Right now he doesn't realize what's at stake.
     
  12. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    He was overshadowed by his sister who had academic success and admiration. By comparison he has never been competitive nor as concerned with grades. But apparently achievement was the primary means for any recognition. His father is the most withdrawn person I have ever encountered. His parents didn’t fight in front of their kids, but as adults his mom will openly convey disdain/frustration towards his father. His father is pretty much a shell of a person. Rarely does anything but work and watch tv. Does not engage socially much at all.

    My husband is deeply insecure despite being quite attractive. He receives compliments and attention from even strangers and I tell him the same. Yet he is not convinced of worth and likewise has a hard time giving me compliments and praise.

    Thanks for building me up! I’m gradually getting a better grip on the position I need to hold for the sake of my health. It is definitely a change to focus on myself. I wish I had more free time. Three kiddos and freelance projects always looming makes that scarce but I’m trying.
     
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  13. Katrina Rose

    Katrina Rose Fapstronaut

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    Please, please,please....
    If he deletes this software, or violates any other known boundary, you have to give him rock bottom. Learn from my mistakes. If you don't give him rock bottom now he will destroy you over and over again until you do.
     
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  14. If you smeeeeeellll what the rock..... is cookin’ :D
     
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