I'm back, and lost again

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Numb, May 7, 2019.

  1. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    I'm loosing some hope here. We've been watching some videos together and talking some. But as far as I can tell that is it. Oh, and he's rereading his books. I'm trying to remain patient because of what is going on with his dad right now, but I won't wait forever. I just need to get my ass moving and stop counting on him putting everything he has in recovery. I never truly thought it would come to leaving and it is really hitting me now.
    It's not that he is not doing anything, I feel he is trying just overwhelmed. Then he freezes, he needs to reach out I just don't know if he will.
    hope4healing and Butterfly1988 like this.
  2. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Does he have any APs and/or a sponsor that he interacts with regularly?
  3. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    No, he was doing great until his dad's health started to decline. The stress was his trigger, I think he though he had this beat. If he didn't minimize it he didn't have strong urges or triggers, though I do have some doubts.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    This probably goes without saying, but being in recovery is not about how many books you read nor videos you watch. I don't much like self-help books (though I've read a few) and self-help videos are not my cup-of-tea, but I hope that I am not deluding myself when I say I am in recovery and not just abstaining. Just a thought.
    hope4healing and Numb like this.
  5. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

    Hi @Numb
    I know you're just blogging and not asking for advice.
    I'm facing end game here too. We all know where our limits are.
    I don't know your story only this thread.
    But my two thoughts are:
    1) He's done a year that's not an easy feat that some would struggle to achieve and it shows commitment. We are all human - when we face the loss of those we love - it's the very hardest thing we face in life. We all wobble and shake at these times - even non addicts.
    The fact he's fell off the horse is on some level understandable - he needs to get back on it if he can muster the strength. If he can't then he still has to face the loss of his dad, but maybe without you standing beside him. Either way life is gonna teach him some lessons and what will be will be. Using Compassion will help cut him some slack - while he hopefully gets his head round things.

    2) You are the most important thing you've got. I am the most important thing I've got - go us :)
    This is poop! What we need is support, love, friendship, a bit of peace, some space to find ourselves...some space to feel safe from rejection, a space to find comfort. This doesn't need to be apart. It just gives you both some time and space.
    Really if you can get a therapist...go for it. I repaired myself last time without...it can be done.
    This time I've got a therapist ( not a csat- doesn't have to be for you) but trauma trained is important. Really it's been invaluable to vent off, sustain my energy, and have someone fighting my corner with me. To know actually I'm growing here too...to know whatever the outcome, I'll be better placed to deal with it.
    Anyway hang in there lady - you are awesome.
  6. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I had 18 months of no P, then relapsed hard after a very difficult encounter with my parents and siblings. (My family of origin is a bit of a mess.) I thought I had PMO in the bag, but that incident showed me just how I can be blind-sided by stress in life and how poor my coping mechanisms can be. After a year of on-and-off relapse, I got back on track about 8 months ago and have been plugging away one day at a time ever since.

    The main change I made after my year-long relapse was to get a big group of APs and check in with them every day. That has been such a huge help to me. This site has helped me find a terrific support network. I am currently in touch with APs every day all over the globe! I have APs in Singapore, Australia, Africa, Spain, Eastern Europe, all over the US, etc. It's wild! And we communicate on and off throughout the days every day on here, and on various social media platforms. No matter what time of day or night, I can reach out and find an ear to bend. It has been a huge help to me. Coupled with adding all of these folks to my Accountable2You reports and a commitment to maintain this practice for the rest of my life, I am mindful every day of the places where I am weak. I cannot say I will never stumble again, but I am in a much stronger place than I was even after 18 months of no P.

    Maybe something similar would be a help to your SO? If he's interested, have him reach out to me on here any time. I am easy to find. :)
  7. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Tao Jones I'll pass your message along to him.

    I don't know if I am expecting too much right now. Maybe I should back off a little for now. I do know I need to see SOMETHING. I wish things were just clear, I could say 'yes, he is putting his all in this and doing what he needs to do' or 'he doesn't care and there is no hope'. But it isn't that clear.
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Great suggestion from @Tao Jones . Another thing, for awhile during his streak, he was on here often, writing and interacting with others. I even remember him doing a great job of encouraging others who were struggling for various reasons. Do you think it might be helpful if he read back through all the things he's written, about himself and to help others? Perhaps he would find it useful to remember things he said when he was not overwhelmed by everything happening with his dad.
    Butterfly1988, Numb and kropo82 like this.

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