I'm back, and lost again

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Numb, May 7, 2019.

  1. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    He relapsed. It was over 500 days, since December '17. What a blow. I'm numb all over again. I don't think I can bring myself to write it now, I'm just... I don't know. To make it worse I had to catch him, I don't think he understands how much more it hurts to catch him. If he'd come to me like talked about it would have still hurt, but we could have been rebuilding something. Now, I don't know. I don't. He says it was only two nights for a couple minutes and he didn't O. Maybe I'm stupid but I do believe him. Things have been stressful before this, I had the feeling this may happen. I had written up something to talk about but put it off. His dad is in the hospital and they are not quite sure what is going on. He's been depressed because of this. If I'd talked with him sooner we may have avoided this relapse. I also left my migraine meds out, I got lazy and didn't lock them up. He has pill issues. I've been so good about keeping everything away, but just got lazy and forgot. He took a bunch of them. I know that getting buzzed on them and being depressed is what pushed him to it. It is no excuse, no matter what he is responsible for his actions. We've been talking but I don't know. I don't know how this will play out. On the up side, before he was only abstaining from PMO, I hope that now he sees that it is not sustainable to do that. He needs to do the hard, painful work and find the root cause(s). I have my thoughts but he needs to come to his own.

    I don't know what is going to happen. This may be it, I may decide I will give it another shot. It's hard. It hurts. I'm preparing for the worst. I guess we'll see.
     
    His Wife likes this.
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    :( I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it is so painful, and after doing so well for such a long time, it feels like you were blindsided.
    I think you right...they really don't understand how much worse it feels when it happens this way. Besides dealing with all the hurt that goes along with the relapse itself, the choice to not be forthright about it is just as painful or sometimes even worse. It leaves you to wonder, how long would it have continued had they not been caught? The trust-building is set back so much farther.
    I understand how easy is it to "what if..." yourself to death in these situations, but it could've happened even if you'd talked to him and kept your meds locked up. He ultimately made the decision to do what he did, and you are not to blame for any of it. After being clean for that long, he is aware of what needs to be done to avoid triggers and make the right choices. I realize he's under a lot of stress with all that's going on, but knowing that should make him extra cautious. He could've asked you to lock up the meds the instant he started having addict thoughts. I know that's easier said than done, but like I said, being clean for 500+ days didn't happen without mindfulness and learning a lot about how the addiction works.
    Whether you decide to try to work it out or not, hopefully this will be the much needed kick in the pants for him to begin true recovery as opposed to simply abstaining. Stay strong and know I'm here for you anytime you need to talk. Hugs.
     
  3. Sorry to hear that...I hate this addiction and it's seemingly life-altering choke-hold that it has on us PA's.
     
    Numb likes this.
  4. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I replied over on his thread here, sorry for my brief 'anger' with you there. I hope you can work this out. Hurting you again by relapsing after over 500 days is terrible, and you are right that the dishonesty of finding out from accountability software not from him makes it worse, but we are human. I hope you both can fix it. I hope he finds the strength to let his actions show you what you mean to him.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and Numb like this.
  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Sorry to hear.

    Was just thinking that in Catholic Churches,
    The confessionals are permanently constructed and fixtures there as they are continually needed.

    May you and he find forgiveness and mercy
    going forward within yourselves and for each other.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
    Numb likes this.
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    I do know it wasn't my fault, but I can't help but think I played a role in this. I do feel like it was coming, he has had a shift in personality lately. Just little things and not constant but I saw them and it worried me. He's been avoiding, more anger, getting up during the night and not following through on what he said he'd do in many areas. He got complacent. He will avoid if he can instead of facing problems, that stops. He has to face things or there is no hope. He had started off really strong back in Dec '17, he did so well. But still avoided and now this. Again. Yesterday he was still under the influence of pills and was so nasty, cruel and petty. Not physical but emotional. He needs help, I can support him but he needs more help. I know he doesn't want to bring up old pains. He has a lot of health issues and PTSD, but if he will not face it I can not support him. I will not. I'm a moron but I'm willing to give it another go, I think. But I've started to go through my stuff and get rid of things, that way if worst comes to worst I will not be so overwhelmed by it all.

    I know what I can live with and what I can't. I'd rather it be with him, but I can't force it on him. There is a really great guy in there, he just needs to face his demons. But HE needs to do it. I don't know, I don't know how this will play out.
     
  7. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

    40
    88
    18
    So sorry to read that @Numb. Think that's what we all fear as Addicts and So's, that we won't see the results of our hard work, and emotional investments.
    Getting your head round failure isn't easy - i'm trying to figure a plan for coping with that too.
    But you know there's no such thing as failure per say - only another chance to learn and start over if we want.
    I worry about future relapses even if my PA doesn't, i'm not worrying now, but if something happens to his mum, kids or even me will he fall back to porn? and hurt me again at the worst time. That's when connecting and pulling together is the best way to cope, but a PA has learnt to go inward and try to cope alone.
    I hope you don't hold yourself responsible for falling short - We all have choices, and we choose what we do to cope - and sometimes all of us are guilty of not choosing the best. For sure you didn't choose for him.

    I'm rooting for you both.
    Woman to woman i hope you find all you need to get thru this, stay strong.
     
    Numb likes this.
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,695
    3,566
    143
    So sorry to hear this. Hopefully this will be the push he needs to do the heavy emotional work now. Hugs to you as you sort through this and decide how to move forward.
     
    hope4healing and Numb like this.
  9. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    86
    109
    33
    I have no wisdom to give that will help

    Know you are not alone.
     
    Numb likes this.
  10. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    In talking I think we figured out what kind of happened. When I asked why or how or what was going on he would just say 'I don't know' or 'I don't remember'. Sure. But I am persistent, at least until I give up. And by then it will be over. I still feel like this was coming, because of his avoidance and stress. First we live with his parents. In the past I blocked all access from our computers and tv, though later took that off. But it started a cycle after his mom got a laptop. He would spend all night downstairs using her computer to PMO. After the last DDay he stopped going down there at night and stopped spending so much time up at night. Recently he started to get up more and more. I tried to talk to him about it, but I guess he blocked me out. The night he first relapsed he went downstairs to watch a movie on Demand, we can't rent them from our tv. So he is down in that room, in that chair next to that computer. He also thought he could get away with it because it was his mom's computer and I don't use that one, I guess. I still don't know where I am. I'm hurt, I'm angry. I don't know who this man is. I just don't know. So I found a pattern, but what does that get me? It still happened and won't change that. At least I am a little less in the dark now?
     
    Taketime and hope4healing like this.
  11. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Hope he can drill down to those decision points that he made;
    each decision leading him to act out.

    He didn’t just find himself
    there watching the movie.

    My AL-ANON part of me might ask
    if I had seen something mshould I have called it out.
    But it’s not your fault.
    And BT and other things...

    Hope you find clarity with time.

    Maybe that laptop needs a password...
     
    Numb likes this.
  12. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    Thank you for the support, everyone who offered it. This community has helped me a lot since I found it. Because of this place I found my strength to do what I need to do, even if I don't follow through at first. It has also helped us get as far as we have. But he has a lot of work to do. This is the second of an unknown number of nights I'm sleeping on the couch, fighting the Great Dane for the spot. I don't want to be down here, but I think I need it. I need the distance. The space.

    Ha, that laptop really needs a good hot fire. But it isn't mine so it will remain intact. For that reason too I can't just go and change the password, but if he feels it is too much of a temptation he needs to figure something out. Also I'm done blocking and policing. The monitoring will stay in place for now. But I only check if I feel there is a reason. I can't force this, this is on him now. I feel like this wasn't a full blown relapse, but it was heading that way. I just don't know how this is going to end, but I guess no one does.

    I do wonder how much of a setback this is? How much damage did he do to himself?
     
  13. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I do not know.

    But this thought when speaking to a motivated late 20’s fellow SA today.
    It’s interesting how he and several others still have slips after several years in the SAA program.

    The addictive process is so cunning. Each slip seems an opportunity
    to drill further into what
    poor decisions were made.
    It’s a learning process.

    It’s a warning to me that time
    in the SAA program and all the processes we follow to stay sober
    aren’t a guarantee, but a process.

    Best hopes!
     
    hope4healing and Numb like this.
  14. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    I don't know how things are going to go. Stress rules right now. His dad has a cancer diagnosis. I hate being the bitch right now, I'm being supportive but I am not letting that push me and us onto the back burner. He has to learn to deal with the bad or he has to do it alone. He admitted to letting himself slip back prior to his relapse, I saw it and tried to talk with him before he slipped. But fuck lot of good it did. I'm still sleeping in the other room and feel like he is just waiting for me to come back up. I haven't given up on us yet, but I don't see much happening. I have more shit to get rid of, I don't need it anyway.
    He is very passive in recovery, if he doesn't get active it won't work. He gets overwhelmed and freezes. I don't know if he will do this, he can I know that. But I don't know if he will. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But I'll keep going through the pain, I know I can. I always have and I'll keep doing it. But sometimes it just feels like it is too much.
     
    Nugget9, Trappist and hope4healing like this.
  15. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    I have to say, it is not that he is not doing anything. I just feel he is not doing all he needs to do. We have started watching some PA and BT videos together. I hope they help. He admits he doesn't know what to do and gets overwhelmed. He asks for my help and suggestions. Sometimes I hesitate to give suggestions or what I would do because I fear he is only doing those thing to try to please me.
     
    Nugget9 and hope4healing like this.
  16. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry to hear about his dad. I know that is tough to handle. But, you are exactly right...life is full of difficult moments, and that can't be the excuse to let his recovery efforts slide. There are times when life is harder than others, but he was clean for over 500 days. That didn't happened only because he had 500 easy, stress-free days. It was because he was staying mindful and not letting himself get complacent. I agree that he really needs to get more serious about working actual recovery, not just abstaining. That can only take you so far as he should now realize.
    I understand this very well. You want to give suggestions sometimes to help push them along, hoping they'll finally gain some momentum and keep going on their own. But, at the same time, you wish they'd take the initiative and do some work to find suggestions or helpful things on their own because then it shows that they're trying at least and not relying on you to do it for them.

    It's such a tough thing, trying to figure out how to balance it all. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Stay strong. Hugs.
     
    Trappist and Numb like this.
  17. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    A lot of thoughts going through my head. I'm not sure I can get them out coherently and I'm sure I'll end up forgetting some points once I get started. We have a dr. appointment today, just a family dr we have to see every other month. I've been going to him for a very long time and he is one of the very few people I feel comfortable enough around to talk to. He is also the only other person that knows about my bfs PA. On a side note I can't bring myself to call him by his screen name, it just feels weird and I'm not sure if he wants me to write his real name so bf it is.

    His dad is hanging in, more drs to come. I am not sure what he will choose to do, fight the cancer or not. BF isn't taking it well as expected. My heart breaks for him, it really does. I am torn between doing all I can for him and protecting myself from this BT that haunts me. I think I am balancing it ok, maybe I could do better but I don't know what the right answer is.
    He was slipping into depression last night, I can see his whole demeanor change. He struggles so much to open his heart up. It is like he will only peel one or two layers off then stops. I don't know if he tries or not. So, right or wrong I push gently but persistently. I can't sit there and watch someone I love do that to themselves. It may have worked some. He got out what he was thinking and honestly looked surprised by what he said. He said he had no idea what to say or planned out what he would say and it just came out. After he said he felt better and repeated that again this morning.

    I'm still not sure how this will all work out. He told me he knows we will be ok and work out. I wish I could be so sure. I can say that I don't feel as much despair and pain as last time, but I don't know if that is good. I think I'm preparing myself subconsciously. Don't get me wrong, I still feel those things. But I think I'm close to my limit. I love him with everything I have, but I can't keep being abused like this. This is so hard. I feel guilty for standing my ground right now, he faces loosing his father and loosing me. Only one of those things he can influence.

    Last night my bf showed me a post from another PA on the thread he had started. It kind of got to me, the other PA is saying that it is ok to PMO and lust because 'everyone does it'. That is what I got from it. He said all females lust after .... fill in the blank of a long list, but try to hide it. It sounds to me like he is trying to rationalize and justify his own behaviors. And I did have to laugh at his list, maybe it holds true for some other people but I'm weird. And I don't lust, I use to. I think it is pretty common for most people to in some point in their lives. But I hardly even notice people, if I do it is in passing and forgotten about in a second.

    Just frustrating.
     
  18. Taketime

    Taketime Fapstronaut

    40
    88
    18
    @Numb you sound 100% absolutely normal to me. Don't let anybody invalidate what you feel or know to be true.
    The most toughest thing about holding boundaries is people may choose their own demise before they can ever meet the path to recovery and health ( not suggesting this is your bf's path - but that is the reality for some addicts) still we can't save them, they have to save themselves.
    we need to save ourselves too sometimes.
    Depression needs treating separately if this is a reaction to his dad's illness.

    Sending you all good things and a big hug.
     
    Butterfly1988, hope4healing and Numb like this.
  19. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Tough row to hoe.

    Decades ago I recall my stepfather dying of cancer, as my girlfriend was getting sober in AA and I was learning how to run my Al-Anon 12 step program.

    I got 10 sessions with a therapist on the insurance that I had. My sponsor was able to help talk me through a lot of it, too.

    Those options are available to either or both of you?

    Care for Numb. We do.
     
    hope4healing, Taketime and Numb like this.
  20. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    330
    737
    93
    We both have health insurance and can get therapy. The first go round I looked for a CSAT and couldn't find any around us. Ok, I found one but it was a religious based CSAT and neither of us are. I'm reluctant to get a therapist for myself for many reasons. I've managed to work through many of my own issues and things I wanted to change by myself. I think my bf needs outside help. But he doesn't want to face his pains and PTSD. As long has he runs from that he is doomed to repeat this cycle and I can not keep doing this. But I don't want to give up until there is nothing more I can do, till it is hopeless I guess.

    I don't know, I feel like he doesn't see how close this is to ending.
     
    Trappist and hope4healing like this.

Share This Page