How long before you had a "normal" sex life again?

Hey Torn. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. One of the more experienced SOs might help more.
What I can say is that I've still got very mixed feelings and identified with being "afraid to be that vulnerable again & feeling undesired." I think most SOs feel that way at times. My PA doesn't know how to take me from hour to hour - my mood changes so much. He says he's 70+ days clean now and for the few times we've had, or tried to have, sex it has been extra amazing. However, on other days, I don't want him touching me. I can't seem to get a balance between love & hate.
One thing I know for sure is that I'll recover a lot faster if I thought he really understands how much damage his PA had on me. So far, I'm hearing excuses or worst still, him minimising his actions.
Hope you find what you're looking for - sending hugs n peace X

 

Our sex life is better than it has ever been. Only recently has it become really amazing. Even during his PA and lying we would have sex, or try to. But then probably over the last two years his PIED was getting really bad and all the distances that seems to come with PA. Even though I was pulling away I still wanted him. I think I was craving the attention, affection and closeness. Hoping that 'he' would come back. Often sex would leave me more depressed than the rejection. So now it has been a few months since the last DDay. Our sex life has picked up and is amazing. I've seen other positive changes in him besides sex and we are much more open with each other. Have you talked to him about this? Is he going through a flat line? Do you try to initiate it? I know I am only now feeling confident enough to initiate sometimes. But that only came with those changes and seeing his desire for me. I've had too many years of rejection and pain.
Everyone is different, some people get there quick, other take their time. Talk with him if you haven't.

 

Hi Torn, I’m in weird state too. Same as you early 40’s and have been dealing with premature ovarian failure through my 30’s (however my RE sees it as damage to my ovaries from Endometriosis).
I think I’m heading into to it as well, I feel you. I have the feelings that my last good years were waisted too, feeling the changes in side and out of my body and the the additional self esteem issues too. I have some really bad days and I know It effects me in the bedroom and a good combination of all of it. Our sex is getting much better and connected so I know it helps, but the insecurity of all does mess with me.
I wanted you to know that I understand it well.

 

Hi Torn, it's been a while I was lurking and thinking about making a similar post. It's been 6 months since my husband and I have been intimate, and I'm finally at the point where I need that back in our relationship. I need to feel that connection (or I'm likely to run off and find that connection with Chris Pratt instead, lol). The chaser effect scares the crap out of me, but not as much as floating through life never having sex again because I can't be vulnerable again. I think you'll know when you're ready to give him the green flag; just wanted to let you know I clock in at 6 months over here.

 

It's so damned complicated- I get the desire and then the fear kicks in. I'm 48, he's 61(tomorrow) He has no problem getting an erection, but I get real clammed up inside when he goes to touch me. I'm not sure what it is. Fear I guess

 

For us we are trying to find a new normal. He's never had a healthy sex life thanks to porn. I don't know what our normal is going to be.

I hope we can get back into some of the fun/experimental thinks we used to do.

We are almost a year after I asked him to stop looking at porn. He's P free since November and M free since December. (One relapse without a visual aid) Things are starting to look up for us. I'm scared it won't last long. I'm still nervous to let my guard down.

 

H

 

Hi Ghost writer,
I appreciate your thoughts. I am a noob and don't post much, but you touched me, and I read a lot here. I posted my life experience once before so I won't go into all the gory details, but I'm sure it's still up here somewhere if you're interested. However, I have had more than a robust sex life since I was a preteen, and with several hundred woman and sex styles. I'm just one of those lucky guys who have never had to pursue or seduce a woman very much for sex, but on that I feel I have missed out. That game is a big hoot and really simple. I didn't get married until I was 45 and then only because I was over bored with my sex life. I have always masturbated along with sex, and never gave it a thought other than it was fun. I never cheated on my wife though it was there. We were married for 15 years and have 3 kids. The only problem with our sex life was that she wasn't very venturesome. I regret waiting so long to get married, because I'm 50 years older than my kids and they have a millennial mindset which is troubling. Now I'm divorced and am beginning to get back to being a gigolo, but for fun this time. I don't need the money anymore. I don't or at least haven't so far experienced a lot of the problems I've read about here that men have. I do get off balance and have periodic headaches...and let me be honest...I came here, because lately it's pretty limp. So, I'm learning from you'll and have the confidence I will "normalize". It seems, for me, that weightlifting and eating vegan help a lot. I am 73 and I still get hit on, and mostly turn it down...for now. I love sex and have no regrets, depression, etc., and I don't believe I have any deep psychic mechanisms that I have to resolve. Been there done that. I just try to stay level emotionally, work hard, play hard, and love people. I'm never gonna meet them all...and we are all different. So, that's about it. It's just a sketch of me...that's my Norm and we use to say in N.Y....forgetabotit. So, I've always felt that NORM IS A GUY WHO LIVES IN THE BRONX.

 

Sorry you're perplexed. You wrote,"if any of you are willing or care to share what your idea of "normal" is, I too would like to know. I only think I know and have never experienced it."... So, I shared my normal and said that everyone is different. I don't think there is a normal here. It depends on a persons personality and biology.

 

Hi. So I’ve thrown myself out there two times now for sex- 1st time @65 days after DDay And him with no PMO aside from two times where he edged with “topless and Netflix” and reset his counter. So that first time we went to a nice hotel room and it was really late and it felt like a dream. It was really enjoyable but I think my brain did something to protect myself like this out of body experience where… All I can do is explain it felt like a dream. I wasn’t self-conscious I just went with it. The light was on, the drapes were open And I didn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. In fact it was all about my pleasure. I did not blow him I just did what I felt like doing. And he went down on me which I usually get really self-conscious about. But this time I didn’t He said it was wonderful and we both had tears in her eyes at some point so I think it might have been intimate except that I was in that protective state.
So this second time was after 90 days of him no PMO... and I feel now that it was a mistake to do this one. It wasn’t at the right place it wasn’t the right timing and I thought about things during sex that made me seriously self-conscious. I started thinking I wasn’t good enough, he admitted to starting to think about porn while we were doing it in a position that reminds him of porn (after we had finished). (It sucks because I like that position but it’s ruined now). It’s only been three months for us and I think that is a bit too soon. I think I need more healing. It just sucks because this is not my fault at all and yet I have to suffer with no sex. And I am 45 and these are the last sexual years of my life... I mean I don’t really know when the age is that women start to have problems with lube and libido and I think it’s different for everybody but I feel like I am in the prime now and it’s wasted.

Another thing that is really getting in the way of sex is that I haven’t even decided if I want to spend the rest of my life with this man. So I think it feels kind of empty at this point.

Also my counselor said today that if I do decide to work on the marriage that I need to disclose that he was having sexual thoughts about my daughter. To her. I was planning on not telling her to protect her because she’s very fragile when it comes to men. But both His and my counselors agree That if we are to go forward my daughter needs to know about it to protect yours that if we are to go forward my daughter needs to know about it to protect herself...

This is a huge deterrent for sex and working on the marriage for me. Do you think I want to tell my daughter that I am going to work on a marriage with a man that violated her in his mind? This is a situation that no woman should have to deal with. My daughter will absolutely not understand why I would stay with somebody who would do this to her. I will lose her. Sorry to go off on a tangent but holy shit this is hard.

 

Do you mean you dissociated?

 

Probably. Like a PA...

 

What Is Dissociation?
Richard: Dissociation is, basically, a splitting off of or a detachment. It’s a big word that can sound really scary, yet, it manifests itself in different degrees. It’s something that we all do. We dissociate from difficult experiences. Even daydreaming is a form of mild dissociation, when you’re just checking out of something.

Dissociation is a coping skill in some ways and, at times, it can be healthy. At other times it can be unhealthy.

https://www.btr.org/dissociation-symptoms/
(from the betrayal trauma recovery blog)

 

Checking out... sounds about right.