How I Got into AMPs

Im a man… yea I can’t imagine confessing that. I confessed PMO to my girlfriend and we blocked internet and it worked well, we later got married. Luckily that was the worst I did. Other than noticing other women from time to time which I also tell her about. But that’s a big one. But you got to think if you’ve never told her about it there’s a whole side you’ve never worked through with her

 

Yea I hear what you’re saying but in reality the marriage is only as good as the transparency between you… it’s like covering a structurally unsound building with new drywall and paint, it looks good for awhile but at its core it’s useless and will cause big problems later…

 

Let's not paint such a rosy picture on disclosure to the spouse. Because if he tells her, she's going to flip out.

If he doesn't tell her, she's not likely to find out. Because he's stopped. In her eyes, she's likely to see that their marriage is improving. And that all that's going to matter to her.

 

Yes, but even worse, a structurally unsound building that one person knows is unsound so hides the danger with paint and drywall because they are too afraid of losing the house. Not understanding, the house is a facade. It’s not the safe place it should be. Sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. You cannot have true intimacy if you cannot be honest. But, it’s a risk vs reward. For him the risk isn’t worth the reward.

 

I don’t believe it would go over well, but I do think it must be done… and there is an objective truth here. Every day he goes on without telling her he’s living a lie. The lie that he’s been faithful. The most foundational thing to a marriage

 

The facade I’m talking about is that your house is built on lies. Every day you don’t tell your wife that you have cheated while she believes you have been physically faithful is a day that the lie is a barrier between you and her. That is an impediment to intimacy. You can only get so far if you cannot be transparent. And that’s fine if that’s what you are striving for, but is it what your wife wants? Only she knows, and she doesn’t have all the information to make an informed choice. Not everyone who cheats is an addict, but just because you aren’t an addict and you have stopped cheating doesn’t mean you have come clean with her. I may not be an addict, but I can empathize with the fear of telling your wife, losing your marriage. It’s one of the things that kept me from cheating on my husband in those dark moments when he had utterly rejected me. I didn’t want to risk my marriage and family and I sure as heck never wanted to put myself in a position I’d have to tell him that I had. You were willing to take those risks. Today you are choosing not to.

 

No I haven’t completely. I haven’t PMOd for quite some time but have MOd to bad thoughts. It’s been a few months though. Mostly struggle with retaining in the marriage (learning Karezza). But even though you went through that with her you essentially violated the foundation of marriage repeatedly and haven’t told her, which is violation number two. Can you imagine if she’s done the same thing? You would absolutely need to know

 

No, he's not going to tell her. And he's choosing not to pay attention to the guilt trips that everyone keeps laying on him.

 

Semen retention. Karezza is sex without orgasm. Getting pretty good at it. Only release occasionally. Long as I only release once a month or less I generally feel pretty good.

Look, I’m just going to say this thing. I know you didn’t come here to talk about confessing to wife but it’s such a glaring thing that people are jumping on it. Being that we’re both believers in Christ, especially. And both married. I think the root issue is selfishness, you went to get pleasured and chose that over your wife’s exclusive right to you and that was selfishness, and now you want to keep your happiness and intimacy without worrying about how you’ve stolen something major from her and not given her the due right to make a decision in the marriage and that is obviously out of selfishness as well. The exact same kind of selfishness, your seeing this all through the lens of yourself and devaluing her as you do so. I see you said above to Psalm that you never saw your wife as a curse as she saw her husband when he was an addict and that tells everything you need to know about how you’re viewing this. For one, of course you don’t see her as a curse because she hasn’t been cheating on you, from what you’ve said. For two, you are only looking at this through the lens of how does this affect number one. At this point the most noble and manly thing you can do is bare your chest and lay it all out for her, give her the respect she deserves and allow her to hear what happened and decide what she wants to do about it. Yes you will suffer, deservedly. Every kiss is now stolen and undeserved. She has the right to decide if you are worth staying with and working this through. The older fella who was saying you should hide it probably has the old school mindset where men were always hiding their little secrets and didn’t thing the wife needed to know, cause what difference would it make. That’s a poisonous mindset straight out of Victorian era. The foundation of marriage is, besides the Lord, faithfulness and honesty. Take one or both away and you’ve got nothing

 

Yes he has given me every detail I’ve asked. It’s called therapeutic full disclosure. It’s followed by a polygraph to ensure he isn’t hiding and lying still. The lying was far more damaging than the porn.

 

I feel like you are being a bit disingenuous. Your position seems to be that your confession of being "unfaithful" is a catchall for all of your activities, yet you do not disclose the incidents when you had physical contact with other women.

Let's say your wife had some physical sexual encounter with another person. If she confessed to be unfaithful by saying that she had "lustful thoughts" for another person (which is true in the sense that it happened before the contact), but did not mention the physical stuff, would you really consider this to be a genuine admission?

 

You have neither acceptance, or unconditional love if your wife does not know about your physical affairs. You have manipulation, coercive control, and lies that keep your wife in the marriage. She does not know you. You said yourself, that she said if you had ever been physically unfaithful she would leave. If she would or not is unknown. Many say they would leave, but end up staying and trying to work it out. She believes you have been physically faithful. Take it to your grave , and pray she doesn’t ever stumble on it after you die.

 

@Bradziggler1990 ,

You and your wife are happy. I won't judge you if you don't tell her. I don't think you should. Let's be selfish. This site is called NoFap. I'm here to stop my fapping, not my lying.

The only way I see your wife finding out is if you tell her.

And if you do tell her, she will have no choice but to unleash her fury and unforgiveness against you. I will not encourage you to voluntarily walk in front of the firing squad for the sake of being honorable or right. That's not bravery, that's just plain stupid.