How I Got into AMPs

Originally posted in my journal, but wanted to share with here to connect with anyone who is trying to forsake visiting erotic massage parlors.

Trigger warning (later in my story)
Here’s my sort of how I got sucked into visiting AMPs “Asian Massage Parlors” (or erotic massage parlors). It all started around 7-8 years ago. I was around 22 years old and realized that I had become sick of watching porn and so was resolved to quit. And so I found some Christian material (a sexual detox guide that was basically a 40 day accountability journal) and went through it with a fellow brother in Christ. It went great! I was off porn and wasn’t masturbating all 40 days, and before you know it, already another few months went by and it’s been around 6 months since I had done anything PMO related. I wasn’t married yet at this time and had just started dating my now wife, and so I was excited about coming into marriage but in a “sexually clean state” having finally gotten off PMO.

Or so I thought…

After around 6-7 months after I had my sexual detox, I had another friend (let’s call him Dan) who casually one night invited me to join him at an Asian massage spa. He said he got a great discount for a 2 hour session, and so we went. It felt really good, very relaxing and not sensual at all. I enjoyed it and walked away from the whole thing feeling very satisfied…specifically supervised by the fact that some other human touching my skin with different pressure could bring me such euphoria, both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I loved that feeling. I knew that I wanted to experience it again, just like (in my imagination) some kid who tried some addictive drug for the first time and got hooked and knew that he needed another hit. After my friend Dan and I left that parlor, I was already planning on when I’d have free time late this week to visit another place.

And at this point, there was absolutely no sensual or sexual desire that was lingering in my mind. The place I visited with Dan was a legit place, not shady or anything, and it just felt really good to have a foot massage and then full body massage. I had just experienced something that was “ecstatic” to my mind and body, a literal “full body and mind” experience that demanded a retainer—I was hooked.

And zooming out…I’ve always tried to understanding WHY I became hooked to the physcial notion of being pleased from a massage at that moment. What was it that lured me in and eventually led to other things? Idk if this could be it, but growing up from being a toddler to a little kid, I was alway very sensory sensitive. I remember that as my mother would put me to sleep, she would always give me very gentle strokes on and light massages on my back as I would drift off. Those are sweet and very fond memories I have of my childhood…but sometimes I wonder if those physical feelings of gentleness, peace, relaxation, calm, and soothing care have translated themselves into an emotional need that I sought out later in life as I moved into mature manhood. Did I seek out and find a source of “soothing and peaceful relaxation” in massages that my mother fundamentally (and unknowingly) rooted in me as she cared for me from a young age? Idk. I would never blame her, since it was legitimate love and care. But maybe a desperate need for its expression later in life has me open to an illicit substitute? Idk…

All in all, my friend Dan’s harmless invitation to visit an AMP (not an erotic one, but an actual legitimate establishment) sent me down a spiral of chaos that would follow me into my marriage.

Even though I was off PMO for over half a year after I went to get my first massage, it quickly turned out to be that visiting massage parlors for a relaxing and peaceful experience became a porn-substitute. Although not a sexual one at first, I stumbled upon one AMP where the lady completely took off the bedding sheet that was covering me and started massage my whole body. All the other places I visited before, usually kept the sheet covering my buttocks, but this gal just pulled it all off and went on very casually doing her thing.

At that moment, butterflies entered my gut and I started feeling aroused. I thought…man, if she is okay with seeing my behind in the nude, what’ll happen when I have to turn over? And when it came time to turn over, she didn’t even flinch and was completely fine with my junk in full view.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed…it the was the first time any grown woman, in my adult years, had seen my genitals. I felt as if I had lost my virginity at that moment. To a complete strange Asian woman.

And in massaging the front of my body, seeing that I was erect, she pointed to my member and did a “handjob motion” and pointed to me…I didn’t get it at first, but as she saw that I didn’t understand her, she grabbed my hand and out it in my penis, signifying that I could finish myself off and that she wouldn’t do it for me….and…there went my 8 month streak of no PMO. I fapped as she watched and she cleaned me up.

The high from that experience was a mix of oil and water; I knew that the experience gave me such a crazy high, but the guilt was equal and maybe even greater. I felt dirty, ashamed, and unworthy to be called a Christian. I never planned to get aroused and masturbate in front of a stranger, but it happened. I, unintentionally (but still completely aware of the dangers), providing sooooo much opportunity for my flesh to receive the pleasure and then to become enslaved to a deeper and darker sin.

After that experience, I would spend time and much resources always out on a hunt for a new AMP that would satisfy my needs. I did have a period of 2 years (start of my marriage) where I didn’t visit any AMPs, but just fantasized. The urges to go tho never went away and always stayed strong because I slowly fell back into viewing porn after I started my whole AMP visits. When I didn’t go to AMPs, I would get my high from porn. I know that porn was cheaper and easier to do, so I tried to opt out of going to AMPs, but there would be times when the urges would build up over a period of 2-3 months and i would eventually visit one. I would even edge myself and just go in, ask what the prices were, and then tell the mamosan (the boss lady of the parlor) that I would come back next week. That edging would be partially happening because I had no funds to spend on such services and also out of fear for getting sucked into the addiction. And then, it just built up and I started paying for the massages and paying for the extras. I probably have spend close to 2-3k in the past 4 years. Visiting AMPs compared to escorts or other prostitues is cheap. Usually $100-200 for a massage and extras. Still expensive, but not even comparable to the amount of peace and integrity you are foresting with such a lifestyle. This behavior led me to eventually be serviced by prostitutes. Mostly I would pay for fondling and handjobs, but I did pay for a covered blowjob this last time I went in February. At that point, I knew that if I continued in this kind of behavior I would either eventually get caught by my wife and/or completely destroy myself.

This secret behavior has led me to some very dark places. I know I share all this nonchalantly, but if you could see my face and hear my voice, you’d see the weight and burden that it really is.

I’ve had nights where I sat in my car, parked in an open field in a rural area, with my loaded Glock on the passenger seat…thinking to end it all, so that I don’t succumb to the darkness of my shame. Knowing that I had betrayed my wife and had slowly been deteriorating my life is a good accuser and guide to suicide for a man that values integrity (and yet cannot attain it). I’m glad God’s grace has ministered to me in those moments and I didn’t go through it…I share this with whoever is reading in order to encourage you that there is no pit too deep or too dark that God cannot pull you out of. His mercy, patience, kindness, and grace really are out of this world.

I’m emotionally and spiritually in a much better place right now. All praise to Christ!

 

It’ll destroy my life if I do.

I can’t do it.

I’m resolved to change and never go back to my old life.

 

I contemplated suicide as a more viable option instead of telling my wife.

That’s how much I fear telling her. It’d destroy her and my life. I’m not too scared to tell a pastor. But I do know that if I do, he’d urge me to confess it to my wife and would probably tell her if I didn’t eventually do it myself.

 

I agree. I’m probably the worst Christian you’ll ever meet. I acknowledge that fact, and even then, I’m not okay with it. I’d rather die trying to go against the grain of the sinful desires that floating downstream to hell with them.

 

I am not one step out of the relationship. By no means.

I do trust my wife with everything in my life. But, I know the ramifications of this and I know (as she’s let me know) that it would end the relationship. And so….I’m taking that sinful mistake to the grave and never going back to it.

 

I have an amazing woman who’s not like that. She’s not looking for a good time or seeking to take half the possessions of our life. She loves our kids and wants to be together. We’re finally in a place in our marriage where we are very happy and I plan on keeping it that way.

Getting rid of porn has had the most positive ramifications on my life ever since I became a believer. Getting off porn as also brought an eventual (not immediate, but an overall effective end) to my AMP addiction. I identified my triggers, saw the root problem for what it was, and cut out the source. It’s been so good to not give in to temptation to go back to either porn or illicit sex in the last 5 months and I don’t ever want to ruin it.

I’ve not used how so many things in my life have been lining up in the right direction and improving, so I am all the more motivated to leave that life behind.

So…that’s where I’m at. Thats why I don’t want to confess that sin, even though I’ve confessed so many other sins to my wife. I trust that God is gracious and merciful, despite my lack of courage in fessing up my dark side.

How about yourself? Have you told your spouse all your deepest and darkest secrets?

 

You’re right.

But I have too much fear to operate in that direction.

But you’re right…. Btw, are you a woman or man?

 

Not true. In our church, if a pastor here’s a confession of infidelity, he gives the spouse a 1 week window to confess to his/her wife/husband before he tells them himself.

It’s seen as unloving and enabling of a pastor to enable such behavior.

So yea….and I know that any Christian I tell about my situation, I will get the same counsel: to confess to my spouse.

 

I agree with this. It is just an extension. The Greek word for sexual immorality, ”pornea” covers everything from lust to sexual adultery.

I think the world and church are the difference, but in the Greek, there is no distinction. One is just level 1-5 of sexual immorality while adultery would be to a higher degree like level 6-75, and then pedophilia and sexual abuse would be at like level 76-100 of sexual immorality (pornea).

In God’s eyes, all sexually immoral are the same tho. All worthy of hell. Even though in mankind’s judgement, certain acts are deemed more atrocious. And I would agree with that standard. They’re at degrees of severity. Just not in God’s eyes, in terms of eternal ramifications.