How do i get my boyfriend to take care of my needs while he is flatlinging?

I would assume if he's refraining from any PMO then he wouldn't give you an O. That seems like it would be terrible for him. Is he still affectionate and flirty outside the bedroom?

 

Hi @Angelus6698

I've just re-read your thread from back in September to remind myself of your frustrating journey. Back then, your issue was that because of his PIED your bf could never give you the PIV you crave. At the time, your were doing other things (toys etc.) but you were losing patience waiting for PIV because that's what you really wanted and the PIED was taking so long to cure. The essence of the advice you were given here was that PIED can take months to cure and that if you were sure he'd actually quit PMO (including P-subs, ogling etc.) then the best you could do was try to remain patient and avoid pressurising him and worsening his tendency to performance anxiety.

From your post here, it sounds like he has, from your perspective, got worse, in that not only does he still have PIED, but he has also hit flatline - a complete loss of libido.

Many men on the NoFap journey do experience flatline, though I never did. While I had PIED, I never lost my interest in sex and was always willing to satisfy my wife in any way I could. To her credit, she was patient, never complained about 'Mr Floppy' and now everything is working the way it should.

The tricky question is how a couple should cope with a period when one party has no libido. My wife lost all interest in sex when she went through the menopause. She got to the stage where the thought of having sex with me was distasteful to her. Her hormones were also all over the place which made everything worse. Perhaps because of the hormonal issues, the idea of taking care of my needs because she loved me wasn't enough to overcome her feelings of revulsion. We went through 2 years of no sex at all. Fortunately, eventually we got through the menopause and her libido returned.

It is difficult to put yourself in another's shoes and truly understand how they are feeling. If you'd lost all interest in sex, to the extent that it left you completely cold, would you still be prepared to give your bf a HJ every weekend because you loved him, even though it felt like a chore? If you did, would you start to resent that he expected you to do it, even though you weren't in the mood?

My personal feeling is that your bf should put himself out for you and make sure you are satisfied. You've never had the sex life you crave due to his chronic masturbation and the resulting PIED. You have stuck with him and (apart from the occassional angry outburst) been patient as he's tried to fix his PIED. I don't think it is unreasonable to expect him to take care of your needs while he works through his flatline - even if he doesn't feel like it. But this is a very delicate area. If you reverse the sexes (men telling their wives they must have sex with them even if they are not in the mood) then we'd be getting perilously close to rape/sexual assualt. So clearly, you are not going to be getting him to do anything against his will - you need to get him back to the place where we wants to bring you to O because he loves you and loves bringing you pleasure.

The only way to get there is to talk. It will have to be done delicately, sensitively and without blame. I think you've said before that you have a short temper. For this conversation, you need to lengthen it! You need to tell him that you want to work through the sex issues together, however long they take and that you are happy to be patient over his PIED. You need to tell him that you love him and want to be with him for the long term and that you are confident that in the long term, you will have the sex life you both want and deserve. Tell him that you understand the flatline and how its temporarily killed his libido. And then ask him to help you get through this period by meeting your needs in the bedroom. Tell him that you want to cuddle and hug and be naked together and have intimacy that doesn't always lead to sex, but say that at the moment you also need him to take care of you when you get horny and give you the Os you need. Tell him that when you ask him to make love to you, in what ever way you choose, it is because you really need it, so you want him to put your feelings first and respond for you.

I hope he does this for you. It may also be that even if he has to 'go through the motions a few times', making love with you and experiencing you O will help him recover from flatline more quickly.

Good luck.

ANH

 

What are the excuses he gives you?

ANH

 

Flatline means he has no desire. We get that. But you are asking him to look after your needs whether or not he is feeling horny. I agree his excuses aren't really valid.

I'm sure having odd work shifts/sleeping patterns doesn't help, but we all make time for the things we really want to do. I know you've said you've talked to him, but I think you have to keep trying to get through to him, to make him understand what you expect of him and how unhappy his current behaviour is making you. The other option is the more direct approach. Don't wait until bedtime when he's tired. Don't wait around hoping that he is going to initiate something. Choose your moment in the middle of the day, grab him by the arm (or other appendage of your choice) march him into the bedroom and tell him 'you are going to make me O, now!' You've tried everything else and it hasn't worked so what have you got to lose?

Good luck
ANH

 

I have never heard of a PA going "in and out" of a true Flatline

 

Well, overstimulation during a reboot isn't usually very good... It could encourage him backwards.
Something alot of SOs notice.
And does he have PIED?

 

My husband I think experienced a flatline not as dramatic, but he never initiated sex and didn't even think to. For a long time I was so hurt by that. I told him all I wanted was for him to be interested in me. My husband also gave excuses for why he was or was not doing things. It took him a while to "get this act together" so to speak.

What exactly is he doing for his Reboot?
Is he in therapy?
Has he truly quit PMO? If so, does he have accountability software or an accontability partner?
Does he journal?
Does he talk to you about his reboot?

Recovery takes a lot of work and dedication, and if someone doesn't to the work they don't get the benefits.

My husband never had PIED but defintiely was on the track to that if he kept up his addiciton. Once he gave up PMO he was able to keep erections, they lasted longer, etc. But that was only because there was no PMO and that sex wasn't nearly as often as I'd like it to have been, but still we built the emotional intimacy and physical (non-sexual intimacy).

If he has PIED it can take time to get things back to normal, especially if he is still having psubs or ogling.

 

PIED can take up to two years to shake.
I agree with @AnonymousAnnaXOXO what is his reboot plan?

 

Are you sure he isn't relapsing or using psubs? What stuff do you have in place so that you can know he isn't? Or what is he doing to stay away from it? I realize for all couples they don't have open access to the PAs devices but for me that is something that was important to rebuild the trust and verify what he was telling me. Are you able to do that?

 

Hi @Angelus6698

I must admit I don't like the sound of "he closes the bedroom door and hangs out by himself for 2 hours before he comes to bed." That is classic PA behaviour, not the behaviour of someone who is actively rebooting and trying to focus on their SO.

ANH

 

@Angelus6698 I agree with @anewhope that doesn't sound good. I know that my husband used to game a lot and be reclusive, and isolation is never good for addicts, especially ones who say they are in recovery.

It's essential you know what his plan is.

Recovery takes planning and hard work. It's dedication, every day. There is never a day off of recovery as I learned in my own treatment from anorexia. Everyday I have to be vigilant, prepared, and aware. I have to be active in my recovery, and I communicate with my husband about any triggers I have or urges I have to restrict, and my husband does the same for me with his PMO addiction.

I also agree with @TryingToHeal, do you have access to his devices? Most addicts in the very beginning of recovery get either accountability software on all devices and filters/blockers on all devices. The only way I knew my husband wasn't using was because I had access to his history every day. Now, a year later, I forget to check his history because we have a level of trust that's been earned (he used to use at work, so seeing his work history every day really helped rebuild the trust that he wasn't using anymore).

 

OK, prepared for blunt?
And my SO used to say that he would poop right before his shower and that's why he was in the bathroom for 90 minutes before coming to bed once upon a time ago.

Sure ok.... But why did he need his phone to poop and shower?