Hopeful breakthrough

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Qnb42078, Aug 12, 2018.

  1. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    He set a plan to watch the Dr Weiss series this morning . He’s downstairs watching it now . It seemed like it was the man I married getting ready to watch it and not the PA . I’m really hoping he receives it well . I’m kinda freaking out up here hoping he isn’t feeling beat up and defensive . There’s parts that are really intense but that’s good because it’s not ME that is showing the intensity lol
    It’s a professional. A man at that ;)
    Besides a few small things , this is the first BIG thing that he has done in a year in a half that I can SEE . Yes LONG OVERDUE ( bought series 9 months ago )
    I’ve thought alll along “ of he just watches it he’ll understand “
    I just hope I haven’t put too much weight on this series . Like what if it’s not as profound for him ? A little scared TBH
     
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Crossing my fingers for you! I hope this sets a lightbulb off for him and begins a new chapter for you both!
     
  3. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Ugh I really hope so . I’m so tired . Thank you ! I can handle starting another chapter , as long as it’s about growth and doing things together to better ourselves and the relationship. I’m no dummy though , I am prepared if he receives it the defensive way . I said take a day to process everything. He also mentioned starting FANOS tonight . I’m so hopeful that he realizes there’s a difference in “ moving on “ and moving forward “ when it comes to this xo
     
  4. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Wishing you luck!
     
    Qnb42078 likes this.
  5. I hope his video-watching was fruitful...I imagine you two are talking right now (hope you are / hope it is going well).
     
  6. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Ok so . I knew the hour was up for the first video ( only watching part one today )
    I’ve know his communication style for 22 years so I did not expect him to come upstairs to me , I expected for him to want some time to himself to process . He yelled up about 90 minutes after I left him to watch it if I wanted to go get a tea . So I’m thinking , ok he watched it and is “ok” . Ofcourse with how things have been , I came down somewhat timid , our youngest came down same time as me , so I’m like ok phew a buffer lol , but we didn’t need the buffer after all .
    In the car , holding my hand ( always hold hands in the car even when mad , I squeeze a Lil tighter then lol ) he quickly said “ so I watched the video “ I said ok and ? He said he knew most of what I was feeling , he asked if my relationships with other people have changed. I said absolutely. I isolated because we are known with close friends and family as Barbie and ken with the enviable marriage and I got sick of the “ you guys are perfect “ you guys are so cute “ “ how do you guys stay so good to each other after all this time “ I explained it was like a quick electric shock when someone would say it and I realized I started to walk away lately when someone said it . I said my hugs with my kids does feel very different, because I feel like a liar . He was very receptive to the video . Learned some new things . Again His saying “ I want to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes “ I was able to soften my heart just enough to have hope . Today was a big step for us . I’m not naive but btwn the boundaries being given , video watched and starting FANOS , I think that “ indifference “ feeling I’ve been having has lessened
     
  7. VERY Happy for you.
     
  8. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    ...and I hope it sticks. I really do.
     
  9. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Me . Too .
    Thank you everyone for listening to me vent /spiral over the week ! Thanks for caring , adding input , advice , opinion . I knew when I first started on here that the posts and comments from others would be invaluable to me . I also post for the purpose of an SO maybe feeling exactly as I do in that moment and maybe my words help on some days . My hubs knows I’m on here to an extent . Knows that it only helps us . He said he’d be good with me sharing some posts with him from some PA that will help him learn more . He doesn’t believe anything is ever really anonymous so he won’t be joining . I’m not going anywhere though ;)
     
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  10. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    He's right you know. PM is more private. Somebody has to go to great pain staking efforts to figure out identities on here though. And why would they? It's not like it would provide them any value. He doesn't even have to join to read though I think. But if he wants real help and support, he should join. I hope he will reconsider. Nonetheless, he's taking some important first steps. Regardless, take care of you!
     
  11. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    I am ! I left my therapy appt WITH the next one scheduled . I NEVER do that since I’m ridiculously busy but IM the priority . She’s great though we do email in btwn if needed . I’ve joined an S-anon private group like someone here recommended. I’ve done my Boundaries . AND I plan on telling someone I trust . I’m really nervous though . I may not follow through with that one just yet . I spoke to my youngest ( we are basically the same person personality wise ) he went through my console looking for a pen and saw our therapist appt card for next week , I said it was for ME , well with it was my card for my next appt . I just stopped lying . I didn’t tell him why but like someone here said he’s noticing . He’s 16 , I explained the best I could that therapy is IMPORTANT when there’s a problem and when there’s not . He felt better , I felt better . Now he knows when I’m quiet don’t be annoying lololol
    As for my SO , I’m no fortune teller on what will be , I’ve never liked scaring him into submission or ultimatums . He said something that made sense for his personality ( he can be obtuse sometimes geez ) he said , I don’t want to read a whole bunch of shit that isn’t important to get to a small lesson and that I’ve always been good at sending him important links or posts from here and that he didn’t mean for it to look like he wasn’t doing anything himself . He told me today the things he’s done in recovery on his own , it’s not a lot but atleast he’s communicating.
     
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  12. Yes..this is a really important step for you.

    So happy for you guys!!
     
  13. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    About your son...
    When it comes to raising children, Dr. Phil says there are two important rules for all parents to follow:

    1. Do not burden them with situations they cannot control.

    2. Do not ask them to deal with adult issues.

    https://www.drphil.com/videos/dr-phils-2-important-rules-when-it-comes-to-raising-kids/
     
  14. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    100 % agree . We are very close /open . But never to the point where he was even aware of an argument until right after DDAY. My therapist said it’s not the worst thing for them to hear a little arguing now and then but to then see the make up , that we are ok . I guess the point is don’t set them up to think marriage is perfect and free from disagreements . Believe me , I made it VERY clear he has nothing to worry about . My favorite from Dr Phil “ Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE in one “ I don’t think Kids should know WHAT their parents are fighting about , but I guess it’s not the worst thing for them at 16, and 20 to actually know that you CAN and WILL argue but with communication and work you can get through it ( that is my goal in this , to keep my family as long as we are ALL healthy and happy ) . My oldest has a best buddy and he’s witnessed some nasty fights at their house , THAT I do not agree with . But I can’t judge too much , I’m not behind their closed doors . And they’d be shocked at what’s behind mine
     

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