Have you ever been shown appreciation for not wanking?

From your woman? Girlfriend? Wife? Mother? Father? (The last two are the least likely). I feel like most women just assume that either men are perfectly okay doing it, or that they absolutely should never do it and it’s obvious and non-negotiable. But when a woman discovers her man doing it, it’s usually a big drama, even though no discussions have ever been held on the subject and no definite expectations set. Same probably goes for parenting, although parental supervision in this area is probably far less common nowadays than in the previous generations (sadly!).

But has any of you ever heard from your woman that she’s proud you’re “not this type of a guy” or anything along the lines? Can’t say I have heard this from my wife, even though I would mention my “chastity” and faithfulness occasionally as a personal asset she should notice and appreciate. Perhaps this is why - when tougher times came in our relationship - I didn’t have enough motivation to control myself fully (although I am doing fine ATM).

 

Yeah, just like most men probably take for granted that their women will start exercising hard when they grow fat after pregnancy or turning 45. And then there’s the big surprise. Same goes for masturbation by men. Women just “assume” things, they don’t really express their expectations clearly, which I think is a big mistake. Same goes for men anyway.

I, for one, have made my expectations with regard to fidelity very clear to my wife. She hasn’t done the same, because - again - she “assumes”. Misconceptions are probably among the most frequent reasons for conflicts in relationships, actually! And then when the big unveiling of your habit comes, you go “what, who said I wasn’t allowed to do it anyway?” or “I didn’t know you’d make such a fuss about it”.

 

That doesn’t even apply to me at all, as my wife had looked great throughout her two pregnancies, but I’m just stating a frequent pattern.

 

Alright, I see. I have often expressed gratitude and appreciation to Wife for different things, and so has she; only this one aspect of our relationship was never discussed by her. As if it was a taboo or something that’s best left intact in case a sensitive and difficult topic is touched upon.

In fact, I’ve been in a relationship many years ago with a young nymphomaniac; after some time she’d reveal to me that she masturbates with... things, saying it like it’s nothing. I was pretty damn surprised and worried, especially since those “things” were definitely above the average man’s girth. Well, that was ages ago and we were kids. Still, I never expressly forbade her to masturbate; I never even thought she would be capable of it, although I could have predicted seeing how she craves sex. Although admittedly this was, if memory serves me correct, after I revealed to her that I had relapsed to porn (after a year of no PMO), so I suppose it was just a sort of revenge. But the funny thing is that she had never forbidden me to masturbate in the first place either! Sure, you’d say “isn’t it obvious you shouldn’t do it”, but it’a not always obvious to what degree the SO actually cares about you wanking to some stupid videos out of touch with reality. I guess if you masturbated to pictures of your neighbour or something, then yeah - that would be a definite no-no. But videos of random people having sex? What’s so dramatically bad about it, you my ask. A man could always argue “honey, I’m not watching females, I’m watching both males and females, so it doesn’t count as infidelity.”

So, the bottom line is: maybe it’s worthwhile to actually talk to your SOs about “those things” from time to time just to keep the issue in check. If they’ll know you care, then maybe, just maybe they’ll start caring more too. Otherwise they’ll reckon it’s their “personal sphere” and something they’re on their own with. Sadly, the longer a man indulges in porn, the deeper he is in this shit, so the sooner partners give them a wake up call, the better. Why wait until the “big surprise”.

 

We live in troubled times with moral standards shifting towards promiscuity and loose relationships. In times like this it is particularly important to set clear mutual expectations in advance. Getting one's shit together is a good idea, but at the end of the day we're there to look after each other and keep each others in check, not just roommates or joint guardians of our kids.

 

But who's talking about indulging in polygamy? To most men, porn is just porn and many of them might not even have a <<clear>> understanding of why it's perceived as so wrong by their women. And where there is no understanding, there is no motivation.

 

Ok, I guess you keep presuming that all I am saying applies to me and my relationship, whereas I am just voicing my concern for the general public... The truth is I don't even remember the last time I watched porn and am currently on a no-MO streak.

 

Great of you that you had said it. Pity he didn’t reveal the truth. But maybe you should have asked for the actual state of affairs instead of just optimistically assuming things. Unless you did just that, then never mind.

I feel like most women just want to believe their husbands are innocent angels without ever inquiring into the truth for fear of the painful disillusionment. And then when the truth comes up, it’s a big drama. As if we didn’t live in the bloody Western cultural circle where sex is on every corner and every moron on the street (school, work etc) says you should have as much (or wank as a temporary substitute) of it as possible and you just can’t go wrong with it.

I guess the optimal situation would be that women do inquire, and make it expressly clear that they don’t want to be in a relationship with a hopeless incurable wanker, but at the same time are supportive when the habit gets out of control and understanding of the mechanisms of addiction (gradual desensitisation, Coolidge effect, dopamine rush). Men must be told very clearly that this behaviour is unacceptable and clear targets/goals must be established, involving supervision of electronic devices where practicable (Covenant Eyes etc.).