Girlfriend of 2 years discovered how bad my porn addiction is

If I may be so blunt…

If that is the ONLY thing keeping her from leaving she should just find a way and leave. If you were indeed the monster that she makes you out to be she should definitely leave. Monsters don’t go online to seek help. People who want to recover do. You’re taking those steps and that is most promising. Don’t tell her this is what you are doing. Show her with your actions and behaviors. Words apparently are meaningless to her right now.

There is always someplace to go. People aren’t indiscriminately left without any other options. They leave options on the table that are far less attractive to them. She has a baby. I assure you that there is someone who will take her in and help her if not for her for that innocent child. As for the falling out with your families? That’s not altogether uncommon in relationships where there is active addiction going on. If they are toxic to you then stay away from them.

That she does.

If she feels like she cannot trust you it’s not for this once discovery alone. There are plenty of other red flags I assure you. As for explaining? Don’t bother. No explanation necessary. Besides we wouldn’t believe them coming from the one person who betrayed us the most anyway. Actions and behaviors! That’s what we’re looking for.

That is not surprising.

You needn’t swear that to us. At least the friend of yours helped you to see how the addiction affects you. That’s good. Don’t think it’s altogether that different this time though. It’s different this time until the next time. And then the next and then the next and on and on and on.

This statement spoke to me which prompted me to respond to you in the first place. It’s our own fault for following the damned rabbit down the rabbit hole. I’m glad you see that you’re at fault here. This is all on you. As to why you kept it after you swore off of it? It’s an addiction. Look up the definition of it. According to our recovery program that was successful for my husband and I it is a compulsion to use a substance or engage in words, actions, and behaviors that contrary to the extreme negative consequences of it we continue to do it anyway. You are compulsively predisposed to engage in it. That’s why you kept it. It’s like a giant pacifier and security blanket. So yes you were keeping it as a safety net.

Yeah that sounds pretty familiar. We aren’t enough. We cannot compete with airbrushed pixie stix on a screen. Nor do we want to. The best you can get from it is see and hear. You cannot never get the luxury of touch taste and smell. That is unless you hook up. I think it is safe to say that all of us struggle with our bodies after giving birth. It will never be the same. Stop trying to make her feel good about herself. Objectifying other women while doing so is nothing more than hypocrisy. We have to learn that it isn’t about us and that it isn’t up to anyone else to make us feel good about ourselves. We have to figure that out and do that for ourselves just as you have to recover your addicdtion for yourself.

One of these days you’ll be glad you did instead of hiring someone else to raise your child. But if there is dissension and dysfunction in the household that child will pick up on it and learn that as their own behavior. Yes they will subconsciously adopt it as their own. I’m glad you have seen the need to fix it at this age.

Then stop talking. And stop swearing about it while you are at it. She will never believe it isn’t about her until she gets her own betrayal trauma help to recover from it. Is she getting some kind of help? Or does she feel like this is “not my problem”?

And yet that is exactly what you did. You cheated on her. Our counselor told us in the very beginning that sex addicts have a funny way of determining what is and is not cheating to them only it doesn’t matter. It only matters if it is cheating to us. She feels like you cheated on her. Believe it or not you did. We aren’t going to play semantics over what constitutes cheating to you. It stabs us in the heart. It fucks with our mind. And it destroys our spirit just as if you went out and committed an actual physical act of infidelity. If you use this argument with her I assure you you’re just going to piss her off even more.

Is that really true? If so what do you mean by our intimate moments? What will happen? A lot of that depends on you. We as women are pretty resilient. We tend to put up with a whole lot of shit before we throw in the towel. Something else I learned about too. If she is pissed off at you you’re still in the game. When she becomes indifferent towards you you’re in trouble. So if by intimate moments you mean you’re having sex with each other my best advice to you is don’t unless and until it is all about intimacy and not so much about sex. If you don’t know the difference you need to learn it. Your best chance of relationship survival hinges on your ability to get with a program to recover permanently. Then let the cards fall where they may.

I’m always skeptical of what I witness here in terms of the advice you’ll receive. Some of it is very good. Others not so much. It’s a toss of the coin. So take any advice here mine included with a grain of salt. I will tell you this though. I just told you what to do. Stop talking and show her. I don’t mean going up to her and showing her that you’re on this website going to meetings etc. I mean when your actions and behaviors reflect that you’re not quite the monster she has made you out to be then and only then will she see the better man that prompted her to get into a relationship with you in the first place. I applaud your interest in becoming a better man for both her and your daughter. You’re right. They deserve better. Just do the right thing and if you’ve already pushed her to the edge of the cliff hopefully you have just the right balance to keep her from falling completely off of it. That’s my humble opinion.

 

and a very good opinion it is.

 

We have all done this. I don't think we realise how bad our addiction is until we need to stop.

This was inevitable. Even if she didn't know what the problem was she will have sensed your detachment.

Is there anything else? It's important now that if she wants to know the full extent of your porn use you are honest with her. But only if she asks for that kind of detail. She may not want to know.

That must have hurt but she stayed, that is more important.

This is a high-risk strategy, so feel free to ignore, but have you thought about letting her know that you would move out (possibly temporarily) if that's what she needed? You would need to make her understand that it was not what you wanted, but that you were willing to do whatever it takes to help her heal.

Trust takes ages to regain, and possibly never returns completely. That naive trust that comes with a woman's love, it's a beautiful thing that we broke. Arghh. But dwelling on our regrets is not the key, becoming better men is the key. Be the man she can trust.

I believe you.

I know you are in a maelstrom of worry but it is worth stepping back to celebrate this. The first few weeks and months of porn sobriety are so so hard, and you managed nearly two months with no support. That's amazing. Just think what you'll be able to achieve with the support of fellow addicts here.

That is exactly the kind of question you need to be asking yourself. Not just asking, answering too. You will not be able to find the tools and techniques which help you stay clean without really delving into yourself. Some of these questions seem impossible to answer, we clam up, but don't do that: speculate, make yourself vulnerable.

Keep doing this. She may not hear you, she may not believe you, but eventually she will. (I hope!)

That sounds tough but it may be a blessing in disguise. She'll need time before she feels she can trust you enough to be genuine in physical intimacy, and for you those early weeks of sobriety are so hard with the chaser effect: it is a killer.

All the significant others (wives and girlfriends) here think this. I know you are telling the truth. I don't think she will ever believe you. Don't worry, it is not important going forward. What is important is stopping your porn use and using the changes she sees in you to grow trust and help her feel loved and wanted again.

That's a good basis to fix the relationship from.

You will do the hard work needed to become the man she deserves, and over time she will see that and start to trust you again. That's what will happen.

Don't focus on getting her to believe you, focus on doing the work. It is unbelievably hard to kick this destructive habit.

Yet. Don't loose hope. She told you that she only stayed for your daughter. Perhaps that is true, but perhaps there is part of her that still loves you, part of her that she needs to ignore for her own psychological safety. But over time ...

What do porn addicts do when we are lost and need help? We spend hour after hour edging to porn so that we can effectively focus away from our problems. What did you do? You came to a forum for porn addicts trying to be sober and you asked for help. That's a great sign.

One thing that has not come up in your post and the replies so far (mine included) is the reason for stopping. Sure, being found out is a great catalyst but as your sobriety takes hold and you really start to feel the changes in yourself and in your relationships you will realise that you are not doing this for your girlfriend and your daughter, you are doing it for you.

 

Well said Kropo!

 

Islander made.... as a separated (at this time) spouse of a SA, here is my advice.
1. This is still new to her. Her world, or what she thought of it, has been uprooted. She trusted you, on levels even she didn't realize, and in one fell swoop, it's gone. She needs time to sort out what she's feeling. You've live with this 10+ years, she's had one day. Rome wasn't built in a day, and broken hearts aren't repaired in a day. Yes, she thinks you are a monster, and while I agree P doesn't make you a monster, you have lied to her and in her mind, cheated on her with hundreds of women. You "cheated" on her with women who do not share a child with you, women who are not there comforting you in your bad times, sharing meals with you, building a life with you, yet you chose them, time and time again over her. She's undeniably and deservedly angry with you, and this will not resolve overnight.
2. Listen to her. I'm not saying be her doormat, which TBH, you probably will be, for many days ahead, but do not shift the blame to her because you feel threatened or shamed. Do not get angry when she asks questions, but do ask her if what she is asking is something she really wants to know. Do not get defensive- this is KEY... defensive behavior=guilty behavior and nothing, I repeat NOTHING shows that you are continuing your behaviors more so than this right here because if you are not acting out, then there is nothing to defend. I guarantee you, you will have the same conversation over and over and over. If she's still talking to you, even if she's angry or crying, or what have you, she's still trying. When she stops, then she probably means it when she says she is done.
3. Give her space. She will come to you when she is ready. If you push it, it will push her farther away. Don't crowd and smother her because you are afraid she will leave if you don't. Read her signals. Regarding sexual contact, again, let her let you know when she's ready for that. Even though I wasn't the one doing the behaviors, I felt dirty. I felt ugly and unattractive. The last thing I wanted was for my husband to see me naked or touch me.
4. Get involved with SA. Now. Do not procrastinate until she brings it up because that just says that you are only doing what you "have" to do to appease her. Don't. While I'm sure you want to save your relationship and salvage it, you cannot do that without treating this addiction, and you cannot do that without taking the steps to do so. If you do this on your own, this will speak volumes to her about your sincerity to be sober, and will give her some sense of safety with you.
5. Get a therapist. Also now. There is something that has led you to these behaviors, whether it's an impulse disorder, abuse or neglect as a child, or any number of things, but if you don't identify what drives you to P and learn how to cope/manage the reason, you are only putting a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, and will open up again and again until you fix it from the inside out.
6. Research betrayal trauma and what your actions have done to your partner. Be empathetic to her and support her. Tell her you understand this has caused her immense pain, show her your research to prove you are interested in her well being, and that you will be there for her.
7. You both are in recovery now. And this looks different for both of you, the steps are different, the feelings and emotions are different, and you have to accept that, just as your recovery is yours to do at your pace, at your level and comfort, this is her recovery and has to be done in her own way.
8. Do not EVER say to her... "I could be worse." "I know guys who are worse." "At least I don't 'xyz'." "I'm just a guy being a guy, we all do it." Yes you could be worse, but that doesn't make what you've done ok. And no, not all men do it. I actually had a therapist (male) say to me "well, to be honest, 50% of men would probably struggle with this." I flat out said to him, "I don't give 2 shits what other men do, I'm not married to them." I made it clear from the beginning what I was and was not ok with in a relationship, and I was lied to from the very beginning. If I had known my SA spouse had these behaviors, I absolutely would NOT have married him, I would have ran as fast as my short legs would've carried me. But he took that away from me. By lying to me, I never was allowed to make that choice for myself, and he knew that, which is why he lied.
10. Finally, if you've reached the end of this entire thing, and maybe the most important... do not stagger your disclosure. Tell her all the dark and dirty things right away. Yes it will hurt, both of you. It's hard to say and it's hard to hear, but by staggering it out over days, months, or in my case, over a year, that wound is never allowed to heal and keeps reopening, and eventually, it will be too much. Maybe it already is too much, but at least you won't waste either of your futures fighting a battle that will never be won. Especially when, from the way it sounds, the only support your partner has is the one who destroyed her world. I also know, from my experience and research, you probably aren't telling her everything. Very seldom do SA's empty their pockets with their first disclosure, for whatever reason, but as you progress through treatment and therapy, those left over pieces will eventually fall out, and are usually more damaging as you go along. Save yourself and your partner the heartache of staggering your confessions and put it all out in the open, so that both of your healings can start. After you've disclosed everything, transparency and honesty are paramount. I don't care if you lie about the color of your underwear, a lie is a lie. If she catches you in one, even as inconsequential as your underwear, you literally restart the process of building trust all over again. Trust me when I say, you do not want this because at some point, there is no going back. I highly recommend an accountability app. Truple is pretty good and what we used, which helped, until the last disclosure, that I just received 2 months ago, 16 months after the first one. Now I'm afraid the damage has been done.

For me, I knew my SA spouse had HAD a problem. He served prison time for attempted rape. But he assured me this was in his past, it was a byproduct of his drug and alcohol addiction, which is was in recovery for. He was active in AA, devoted actually to AA, denied using porn, all of the things... but I saw the red flags and I should never have ignored them, and that's on me. He ogled women, we couldn't pass a female without him visually undressing her, and it was noticeable by me and the woman. His movie collection alone should've sent my alarms into overdrive. But I believed him, even when I found his tablet, the one I bought him for a Christmas present, opened on the incognito tab, and he promised me it would never happen again, I believed him. I found out though, he was viewing pornography at a high rate, masturbating in dirty bathrooms all over the state, on the sides of the road on his drives home, sometimes while driving. He was driving to busy shopping centers to watch women and masturbate right there in the parking lot where he could've been arrested if someone had seen him. When looking at all the types of porn he could and this no longer was enough to feed his addiction, he turned to viewing pre-pubescent females. Yes, children. My SA was masturbating to images of small children. The deal breaker.

If you get anything out of this, read that last paragraph again. Addictions, even sexual addictions, are progressive. I promise you, if you continue, things that you once thought were wrong, horrifying, unacceptable, won't be enough to sate your addiction. This was your first step, now just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.

 

I'm kind of in the same boat as you. Although my girlfriend does know I'm on this website. I have been in a struggle for the past year and a half. It really is a shame if I do tell how much I've been wanting to watch especially fetishes. It also kinda hurts me because I haven't been clean ever since I got ill in 2019. No I have to pay bills for no reason I can't control how my blood works..


None the less just pray for her to understand and accept you as she apparently see's the brighter version of you. I don't want to be blunt but if she truly loved you she would help you threw this and not think of you as a "monster".

 

Pray for her to understand what exactly? "if she truly loved you she would help"? That's bullshit! That has nothing to do with love. It has to do with she doesn't feel safe secure and sane as my counselor puts it. She's established a boundary which is a line that you cannot cross because right now you're very toxic to her. You can love someone and let them go heal themselves when they've proven not to be trustworthy and betray you. That's just being smart.

 

Sounds like the issue is poor communication between you both and covert contracts on her side.

Again poor communication. What you're describing is all run of the mill porn. She apparently has some line regarding this stuff that she either did not communicate or you chose to ignore.

This seems way over the top to me unless you are not sharing all the details of what she discovered you were viewing.

Always a worthy goal.

 

I understand the friend/family thing. I really don't have anyone either except my kids, which i would never tell them about this.

When i say let her come to you, I'm referring to talking about the issue. Let her bring it up. By no means do I mean abandon her, but ask her about her day, how she's feeling, that kind of stuff. When she is ready to talk, and she will, let her take the lead. Be prepared to argue, ALOT. Also be prepared for the ups and downs. One day she will love you, the next despise your existence. Its hard for both of you, but its very much part of the process. The main thing is to remind her that you are there for her. She doesn't realize this right now, but she needs your strength and safety now more than ever, so do not fail her.

She may want to know as much as she can about your addiction and your behaviors, but she may not. I am a strong believer in "don't ask the question that you really don't want the answer" and depending on your behaviors, this may be an area to tread very very carefully. Once she knows, there is no taking it back, and those ideas and images that will no doubt go through her mind are relentless and cruel.
It is wonderful that you are doing this for her, but you are important too. Do not forget that. One of the things I told my H is that HE deserved better than being trapped by this addiction. He really is a good person, but this addiction ruins lives and people, and there is so much more to life than this.
I'm not sure where you live, but there are some areas that have addiction clinics that are income based and you may be able to get help for free. I myself work at a human service center as a pysch/addiction RN, and we provide services for free if they are low income. Maybe even check into your state's public assistance for insurance, you might be able to get Medicaid. SAA is free and offer online meetings every day of the week. There is also CoSA for your gf if she is interested, free as well.

I think that because you really don't have years and years of use, you have so much hope to overcome this. SAA will help you find a sponsor too, someone you can lean on when you feel like relapsing.
If any good has come out of ny H's addiction, I hope its to at least help others, so you are so very very welcome. Feel free to ask any questions, and I sincerely wish the both of you the best!

 

Wow @justaboutdone. I'm not so sure you didn't have the same counselor that we did! Everything you said is 100% right on target. And well articulated too. @Islander made make sure you read and heed everything she said. I want to reinforce the "give her space" and to also clarify what that means is if she wants you there be there and if she doesn't stay away but in close enough proximity that if she calls on you that you are there for her. Be there when she want/needs you and disappear behind the curtain when she doesn't. Make sense?

 

Thanks @happenstance, I've definitely had some good leaders to follow in their advice! At Islander, I really hope you guys get through this together. It can be a lonely road, and it's a long one for both of you, but if you do it right, you can make it together. Even if you don't, you still need to do it for you.
Chronic porn use does something to the brain, and while there still needs to be more studies done (I'm actually planning this topic for my thesis that I have to do for my graduate program), it may possibly lead to dementia and other permanent changes to the brain. There is nothing good about porn. Nothing.
There is a reason there is somewhere around a million users on NoFap, and it's not likely to get any better unless something is changed. I have no idea why there isn't more done to especially protect kids from it, which could be as simple as requiring a credit card to access a site to prove age. Minors can't go into liquor stores and purchase booze, but they can look at all the porn they want.

 

I don't know at what capacity he does but my counselor told me that sometimes he works with graduate candidates on thesis and what not. You should talk to him. You may be surprised to find out just how much his knowledge of it confirms your hypothesis since you sound so much like him. What's interesting to me is how approaches from different directions tend to form the same conclusion. Go figure.