Hi, so I am trying to understand flatline a little bit more. My husband started out with hardcore PMO challenge and after about 30 days because of the hard work we have been doing emotionally, I was ready to start having S again. So he dropped the O and is just doing PM. Things started out strong then he started having a hard time Oing and now getting/keeping an erection. He has not relapsed, so is this part of flatline? He still has the desire to be with me. He wants to just not physically able to all the way. Should we go back to Hardmode for his brain to finish reset?
Yes, go back to hardmode. I believe he is probably back at it again if he has had sex with you and now he PM and can't O, he is Oing once again, no doubt. Coming from a 30 plus year PMOer.
Seriously I'm unsure what to suggest but I'll say that Mourde and I go through those times, too. Some S days are great and others...not so much. I look at things from a connection standpoint anymore than what happens during. After alot of reading here and him talking to his AP and us talking about it, we decided to just roll with the punches. I think his AP told him it's really an individual thing for each couple to decide. Mourde never did a full reboot, I don't regret that choice but it was ours and doesn't work for everyone. Some days he's "gung ho"..then poof...something goes wonky. Mourde told me he has alot of anxiety when we are physical...worrying if I'm going to think he's messing up or in some porn position and it would trigger me. The anxiety causes it to seem like a flatline and frustrates them and embarrasses them. I can't tell you how many times he's asked me "was I good. Did I do okay?". He never did that before he started nofap. He explained everything as sort of a new learning process and his stress goes thru the roof sometimes when we are intimate. Talk to your guy...is he worrying too much? They put way too much pressure on themselves to perform thinking we will judge them. He could be flatlining again too. I just don't know for sure. Mourde and I had this talk literally yesterday and I told him to knock off the worrying about what may trigger me or how he's going to perform or how long it's going to be. (He's been having PE issues lately)...just enjoy the time. It's like we are fumbling through it all like newbies at this point lol. Prayers to you both and hopefully some others have some input on it...I personally think it's part of the process from my understanding.
He does seem to be worrying if he is hurting me (BT caused me physical pain) or if I’m being triggered. He doesn’t want me to think he doesn’t want me because of not being able to perform. I think he worries to if I am doing things just because I think I should instead of me wanting to. As I heal and we connect, I’m finding I like intamcy a lot and I’m becoming more and more attracted to him (again). I worry my change in desires are too fast for him.
He isn’t back at it again and I’m not being blind or naive about that. One thing in our marriage that isn’t typical (as I can tell reading around) he never hide stuff from me. He was very transparent about what he was doing. I didn’t have a “dday” or some shock and ah moment.
I totally know the feelings, it's about parallel to me and Mourde lately. Let him know you'll be the first to tell him if he's causing pain or triggers. Because you will. Loud and clear. The guys thinking we won't want them if they can't perform or that we feel "forced" to attempt S drives me crazy...if we didn't want to we wouldn't be trying. Reassure him. You two have been fantastical at communicating don't let a small issue turn into a big stressball. We did on our end and it wound up in a big argument. :/ The uptick in desires...I hear ya on that, too. Nothing hotter than a man washing dishes and telling a woman she's gorgeous while she's covered in onion juice, dog hair and Lord knows what the kids drug on the floor with their shoes. They want to be wanted. They are just afraid...we know them far more than ever before. They know themselves and are growing to live in a real world with raw emotions. And they are chemically changing their way of thinking all at the same time. They also have a lot of guilt and shame. And now just want to be the best they can be. That's ALOT of pressure. Don't forget too that the majority have always been led to believe sex equals love. Mourde and I have learned to joke around about the rough times under the sheets...it lightens the situation and really what else can you do but shrug it off and have faith that eventually it'll end up better the next time around. And if it doesnt, that's okay too. as long as he keeps working towards his goals he will be okay.
"He dropped the O but is still doing PM".....can you clarify? It sounds like he went no PMO for 30 days but is now PM?
We did hardcore for the first 30 days ish no P, M or Oing. We talked and because I was feeling more connected and wanted to have sex again, he dropped the O part of the reboot. So we are having sex and he is not watching P or Ming.
ok *phew*. Look up karezza. It will help him with his anxiety and it is deeply bonding. Another thought is that some men require longer than 30 days to reboot their brains and reset neural connections. If karezza doesn't help I would consider doing a longer reboot.
I am so jealous of this. If I could get that piece of mind you have about your partners level of honesty with you.
Yeah he is working really hard and I'm so proud of him. I can see that he is afraid of screwing up and he doesn't want that. I am sure that's a ton of pressure. Especially, if your wife is like starting "desire" you more and more. I have spent 19 years trying not to be attractive or desirable, so to speak. I didn't take care of myself and I covered up every inch of my body. Most days I didn't even brush my hair. I thought, if I'm not attractive then I wouldn't have to "perform" for his O. That's all I felt I was good for. Now that is changing, it's so confusing. I want to be with him now. You are right there is nothing hotter than a man emotionally connecting, listening to you, helping around the house and working on himself. I want to start taking care of myself, exploring my femininity and really connecting more with him. But I feel like a hypocrite and that I'm confusing him. If that makes sense.
Yeah I am grateful for the piece of mind on his honesty with P and M. I know if something happens he will tell me even if it’s a thought and not actually acting on it. My replase anxiety doesn’t come from as much of the P and M but a relapse back to disconnect and completely checked out with me and our family.
Yep...i feel the same. It doesn't make us hypocrites. It makes us human. I am working on exercising daily and getting away from my "frumpy" look too. For me. I think we need the confidence and we have to take care of ourselves to heal. And it promotes change...afterall our relationships are changing too...in positive ways. Confusing for them...yea. I don't want to be his PSub, but I want to experience what I haven't with him ever on an intimate level...if that makes sense? I know by me doing self care and working on myself...my hubby is following my lead and doing the same for him. They need the confidence and health as much as we do. Trust me I'm like...do I wear that awesome nightgown to bed...or will that trigger him? But I WANT to wear it because I want to be pretty and sexy and with my man. This shit is sooo confusing
All of this. I went to the store the other day to get PJs because I’ve havent had any. Seriously, I would just wear my sweats to bed from that day. Gross really if I look at it now. Well I was looking at all the pjs and nightgowns and I thought the same. Is that too much? I’m I going to look like someone in a porn video? Will that trigger him? I wanted to get it to feel sexy and pretty, but ultimately didn’t. Went with a plain set. Guess this is going to take time and it’s like a mind mess. I started a new workout dance thing. I love to dance. The whole time I was doing it today, I kept thinking ugh I feel like I’m doing something wrong.
It is normal to go through what he is going through,my wife and myself did the no PM cause we felt that was best for the both of us and I went through a couple short spells of flatline and had the ed. The one thing my wife figured if we had S alot it would help but you need to limit it a little and take your time doing it cause over doing it doesnt help we found out. Like @Sadgirl said karezza helps alot and you both need to be patient with each other cause my wife took my flatline and ed as I didnt find her attractive anymore and that wasnt the case at all! Everyone goes throw it differently but the flatline and ed is normal! If he wants to talk he can message me anytime I would be happy to help! My wife is @SOofanaddict you can message her if you want cause we been going through the same! Good luck and you both will be fine!
I still think my brain is my best and worst friend. But I am not going to get down, I will keep doing what I need to do and what happens will happen. I get it in my mind that the O is the deciding factor to a successful session. I just want to be happy in the moment and pleasure my best friend and wife (they are the same person) and not really worry or think what I get out of it. Thats probly the only way I will ever get the programing fixed in my roundish small spongy matter. I love you more @ccrowegreen
