Starting a journal finally, and am having difficulties moving my relationship forward

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Nugget9, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am finally starting to write a journal to hopefully help myself and my SO get over this addiction and hopefully show my SO how much I truly do love her.

    Well, here it goes. I will tell you a little bit of my history and go from there. I remember having my first O when on the toilet, I was 16 and was planning on a instrument lesson and had to cancel cause I was really confused, and at the same time happy by what just happened. Especially because it felt so good. I have masturbated many times up to this point, but remember this is definitely the 1st time.
    I was always the shy type when I was young, so I only asked out very few girls with limited success. I think I figured that PMO was just as good as being in a relationship. This is the beginning of my journal and have a ton more to write. I suffer from a number of disabilities such as Crohn's disease, osteoporosis, PTSD, arthritis, TIA, and a whole lot of others for someone that is only 47 years old. The Crohn's disease was diagnosed when I was 9 years old but had symptoms of the disease when I was 5 or 6. My SO of 16 years has been very anxious and depressed over this since we have gone out. I have had my problems with this issue with her and have did this to her at least a dozen times, probably more. I want to finally give this up for me first, and then my relationship with my SO second. I have had a good run since December, 2017 and want this to be the last time. I know my SO loves me to death and I have never met or imagined someone like this in my life. I feel so lucky to have her and I am my own worst enemy in our relationship like most other things in my life.

    Well, anyway, this is a start and I plan to write in this a couple times a week, I do have quite the story.
     
  2. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Good, and welcome. Can't wait to read it.
     
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  3. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am dealing with a lot of family issues right now and I truly want to start this journal but want to get it right and try to remember 30 years ago information that got me started with PMOing. My SO @Numb and I are working through this. It seems easier for me than her, I have caused her so much pain and betrayed her trust numbers of time. I feel guilt and empathy daily on what I have done to her and told her that I want to get things right and know it will take time, which isn't easy but anything that is worth the work isn't easy.
     
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  4. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Perhaps just check in
    a little bit with the day to day?

    The 30 year story
    can sneak in when it does?

    I simply mean this
    to be supportive
    for whatever you do.
    Best wishes medically, too.
     
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2018
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  5. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I haven't written here in a bit and plan to no matter what is going on in my life. My brother's best friend, and always called him my other older brother, just passed from a brain aneurysm at the age of 51 and his memorial service is Saturday. I am going to be a wreck but I want to be there to show my respect. There will be a lot of old faces from days past so that should be interesting none the less. Anyway, my SO and I have been continuing to work on me to make sure I don't relapse. I have so much hidden anger in my life from a number of things. When I was in my early 20s my Crohn's disease was really bad and the city hospital that is one of the supposed best in the world said that I had one of the 10 worst cases of Crohn's disease in the year 1994, that was my claim to fame, pretty shitty. I had 2 resection surgeries fro the Crohn's in 1994, I was on TPN (total parenteral nutrition) for 6 months to rest my stomach which means I had IV nutrition and was relying on my doctor's to make sure I was getting the correct nutrition, which didn't completely happen, which I will explain in a minute. I was home with the TPN catheter in my chest and had to put a 1 inch needle in my chest every 3 days and hook up the IV bag which needed to be refrigerated and took 12 hours to infuse through my body, this was my food. I could not eat or drink for 6 months. Any get togethers, parties, outings, I would totally avoid because food is at the center of most people's get togethers so I didn't want to go and just tease myself. Anyway, I know I am skipping some but I need to get some of this out. Here comes the scary part and the part that haunts me whenever my back hurts, and it hurts daily. This happened when I was 23 and I am 47 now. For a couple weeks when I was sick at home when I got out of bed my back was hurting really bad and it would take up to 45 minutes to straighten up. Eventually, one time when I was PMOing at home when no one was home I heard a snap and my back hurt like hell. I wound up walking down 2 flights of stairs and then lay on the couch and called my mom who at the time worked 5 minutes away and told her something was wrong with my back. I layed on the sofa after this happened and after a couple of minutes I tried to walk which was to painful so I layed back down and was like that for the next 6 weeks. I finally had my family doctor make a house call and he said I need an x-ray which revealed 4 fractures in my back. Later on I wound up in the hospital for another Crohn's surgery and to get my catheter removed because it was infected. My main doctor came in my room and told me that the doctor that took care of me had messes up with my TPN and forgot to put calcium in it which caused the fractured back and osteoporosis as the result of the absence of calcium. I believe a lot of my future issues occurred cause of the doctor that fucked up. I never pursued a lawsuit cause I didn't think I would live long enough. Years after statute of limitations I was working for a lawyer's firm and had a great lawyer look at this and said it would have been an awesome case except for the statue of limitations. This pisses me off quite a bit over the years but what can I do about it. I really had to get this out and I never posted any of this in my life, there is a quite bit more to it but it is an introduction to my history of doubting authority. Thanks you to anyone who reads this and please post if you have any questions or comments.
     
  6. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    We all start from where we are,
    don’t we? Tough start, though?

    What would we do without the kindness and love of our SOs and those who care around us?

    Hope you find some good memories and connections with your past at the funeral, as well as feel for the loss.
     
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  7. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    My story continues as it will skip around, but I want to put in as much things I can remember. I never had any girlfriends until my late 20s where my longest relationship was for 9 months and 2 or 3 others that lasted a couple of months. I remember some old girlfriends and not being able to cum due to PMO. I never even thought about it back then why I had problems cumming. It just never dawned on me. My current girlfriend numb, we have been together over 16 years now and have had a dozen DDays, with this DDay being the one that gets me serious to know what I truly what I want in life. I want to move past this with my gf and she wants total disclosure that I have been thinking about for a long time and know it is going to be hurtful towards her but needs to be done to help get past this and move on with our relationship. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has helped tremendously with a sample disclosure letter. Numb and I have disabilities and we support each other through rough times and seem to want to get through tough times working though it together. We will get through this and I know this isn't part of a journal but this is what I am feeling right now. I will think about what I want to post about next time. It feels great being PMO free and having mostly good days with numb.
     
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It's your journal...you can write about anything you want, including how you feel right now. You don't have to think about or plan what you put here. This is the place where you can just start typing whatever is in your mind at that moment, and even if, later on, you think something differently, that's ok.

    278 days is a great start to a better life for both you and @Numb Even if your disclosure is painful for her, I believe it's a necessary step in the healing process. I hope it helps you guys move on and become stronger as a couple.
     
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  9. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am still continuing to stay away from PMO with great success. The problem is my gf says I am not working the program enough(journal, email work, etc.), and she is right. I should spend at least some time everyday doing some work to make sure I stay successful at staying away from PMO. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder awhile ago and know I get real moody. My up and down moods seem extreme sometimes and I really hate it. We are trying to save money to get a place to live, right now we live at my parents house, it works but having the freedom in our relationship would be a great improvement in life. I don't know why sometimes it is hard for me to work the program when my gf keeps at it wanting me too, which is the right thing to do. She wants me to be able to show her that I am working the program. I love her and am doing great at abstaining, but that's not enough. I have to do more to show her that I am working.
     
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  10. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am doing really well staying away from PMO. I want to call a therapist today because I still have problems opening up to my SO about my past with PMO. I don't want to hurt her anymore and want to show her that I really lover her and that she is enough for me. I hate myself a lot because of how much I hurt her. I think we are doing a 30 day reboot which I never have done before, we have tried but after a couple days or so we have sex and it is awesome. We always wonder how much better it may be if a 30 day reboot is done and then I will have less problems staying up.
     
  11. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Best of luck on this...
     
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  12. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    So I called a psychiatrist on Friday and left a message and will call back tomorrow to set up an appointment. My SO and I have been having more good days than bad days in my opinion. We always had rough holidays, being that there were a lot of DDays around the holidays. She said today that she thinks that the holidays will be tough this year because of all the BS I put her through in the past around the holidays. Any suggestions on trying to make it better would be very helpful and appreciated? I have been a lot busier doing internet selling and I am having fun with it. I have done the selling in the past and am surprising myself in the results, it's definitely worth it. Hope everyone has a pleasant Columbus Day tomorrow.
     
  13. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    My DDAY was 12/22/16 , THAT Christmas was phony and ruined . I thought it would be our last as a family all the while smiling pretty for the camera . The next one , he was NOT listening , starting in Nov I would say “ I really need this Xmas to be memorable so I don’t always hate Xmas “
    We did new things etc but we didn’t talk about the last one , all the bad . It can’t just be blipped over . Talk about the past , with hopes to a new future . Acknowledge what she is feeling and why . There is NOTHING that will make her forget . I know for me , my favorite holiday is tainted . I’m hoping as years go by that that feeling slowly fades . Good luck !
     
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  14. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    This is not what you are asking maybe, but try an additional different tac together?

    Monty Pythonish:
    Now for something entirely different.

    Last thanksgiving we spent the day serving food to families at a local food bank for primarily Latino immigrant families. I think I actually felt gratitude more than ever.

    Maybe there is such a thing for Christmas in your neck of the woods?

    Gratitude gives such
    a healing perspective.
     
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  15. Qnb42078

    Qnb42078 Fapstronaut

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    Didn’t think of that ! We went to shows and all new things Christmasy ;)
     
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  16. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I am having problems waking up around 4 AM which is too early. My SO gets triggers when I get up early because this is when I would PMO. I told her that I would get up a little later but always seem to wake up around 4 no matter how hard I try. It is really bugging me.
     
  17. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I try to get up at 4 and walk a treadmill for 30 minutes. Meditate for 20 minutes during the week.
    Get to work by 6:15.

    Sounds military, but it’s more a process.

    Sometimes I waken before that.
    Like now. So I’m here for a bit.

    Sometimes I get up or cuddle w SO.
    Think about the day ahead, praying has calmed anxiety.

    Positive things you could do that early?
    Those positive things might mitigate her triggers?
     
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  18. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Curiously, do you sleep in total darkness/total quietness? Most addicts I know have trouble sleeping. The second you have an opportunity for you brain to wake up is the second it begins to wonder aimlessly around all the shit going on in your life. Suggestions?

    • If you have a TV in your room, turn it off.
    • White noise. It drowns out any residual noise that would otherwise keep you awake.
    • Structured time during the day (keeps you very busy). When you lay your head down at the end of the day, you'll be so exhausted.
    • Finish all meals/food before 6PM.
    • Exercise during the day changes your body's metabolism. Do it.
    • No PMO as a sleep aid. Actually, no PMO period, but especially as a sleep aid.
    • Reading will help make you fall asleep. Try to read before you go to sleep.
    • Limit your alcohol intake.
    These are just some of those I can think of off of the top of my head. When I was full blown PMO, I was always up all hours of the day and night. Couldn't sleep at all until I was so physically exhausted, I had little choice. If I think of more, and of course if anyone else does, please chime in.
     
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  19. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    The other day my SO and I were in the shower together which we have been doing a couple of times per week. We started having sex and I was getting light headed so we stopped and my SO finishes me off by jerking me off. It felt great during the O but after I realized that it was the wrong way to have sex and my SO got really upset. We did talk about it right away and she stated that I should have finished with her the right way. I had mixed feelings but it didn't feel as good as having sex and O in her. Anyway, I will try to post more on here as it does help get a lot of feelings out and it helps me with journaling my progress which is doing quite well. I feel like I did when I was as young as 15 and didn't start PMOing. I used to win at a lot of stuff in life back then and when I started PMOing I didn't win as much and PMOing messed my life up in multiple ways which I will think about and write something about that soon.
     
  20. Freddiefox

    Freddiefox Fapstronaut

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    You have been doing this together, as a couple, sharing and willing. That's not a bad thing when in a relationship. Sure, her using her hand got you to thinking about it like an M thing, but it was you and her. If you have had issues from too much grip with your hand this could be a concern or if either is viewing this as psub. Have a calm, caring conversation about it. Being open is huge.
     
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