Cross Dessing and Trans Fetish

Hi... short answer, yes.

I was (am) very similar, outwardly masculine and confident and full of self esteem. However under that is the part of my that got heavily into feminization, sissy, trans, crossdressing etc.

As with your story there's a link back to childhood trauma where I feel a lot of this side comes from. The feelings of lack of control, manipulation, etc. escalated from porn use into the fem/trans genre and then got well n truly rooted.

50odd days into a second big attempt at nofap interspersed with short stretches and lots of relapses in between!! The thoughts are still there really, not sure they'll ever truly go away as some of them pre-date porn use. And others are because of the trauma and are part of me for better or worse. However, I do feel I can learn to live with them and understand WHY I will feel certain ways at times. And that understand brings acceptance and the ability to move on and not act on them.

 

Yes, I relate and have a somewhat similar story. Father was there but largely absent, especially in the early formative years. Mother was overbearing. And, she had issues with men / masculinity because her father was a womaniser and it affected her childhood . . .
At around 4 years of age she said / asked on multiple occasions. "All men are pigs. All they want is sex. But you're not going to be like that, are you? Are you?? Tell me you're not going to be like that."

1/4 of my genes come from her very masculine and handsome father. I'm not super effeminate on the outside, but I grew up without much masculine influence and trying to reconcile the promises that I made as a little boy (i.e. not to be like other men, aka not to be a man).

I think that is the root of my troubles, and it manifested in sissy and some trans, but also femdom, cuckold, and some other related genres. Or, at least they are related in my mind.

 

I had a very unhappy childhood and am positive that my traumatic experiences developed into the sissy fetish upon hitting puberty. My mom and dad had a very rough divorce when I was very young. My dad was an alcoholic and was absent for almost all of my important years of development. Because my mom filled me with non-stop information about how horrible he was (alongside other men, like her father and her constantly expanding ex-boyfriends), I think I gained an overly romanticized view of female virtue when compared to "mean" men. Inflaming this problem was the fact that I was a bit on the effeminate side growing up, doubtless due to the absence of strong male role models in my life. I was a skinny, terrible at sports, socially awkward, etc. Also during these early years, an aunt put me in girl's underwear as a kind of punishment. I remember how humiliated I felt; it seemed to confirm all the doubts I had back then about my suitability as a male.

With this background considered, it is really not a surprise that I developed a "sissy" fetish around the time of puberty. It is also no surprise that my particular variety of the fetish revolved, more than anything else, around feminization stories about men wearing panties.

It is very sad how impressionable young children are, and it is sobering to reflect on how things might have been different if I'd have had the kind of parenting that I believe I should have gotten.

Today, I have long since quit looking at "sissy" porn. It does not reflect the character that I desire to have as a Christian, and it did nothing but cloud my life in darkness during the years when I shamefully indulged in it. Even today, I often feel haunted by the lingering sense that I am not "manly" enough, even though I outwardly convey a much more masculine image than I did back then. Without sissy porn in my life, I feel a lot happier. But remnants of it still linger in my head, and I hope that I find relief from it before the next life.

 

I can relate, for me personally when i was growing up I was constantly told I wasn't good enough and my mum was doing her best but was constantly stressed so should I every catch her on a bad day she'd get more angry with me than usual. My Dad interacted with me a lot when i was super young but as i got closer to teenage years he became bit more distant and certainly very strict. I know there were several times where he would hit my hand as punishment ( not too many times thankfully).
I had a awful relationship with my sister, she literally hated me throughout her teenage and young adult years, mix of jealousy and disapproval i think. So I use to have to settle the status quo when we were home alone by constantly apologising whenever she's in a bad mood, because if she thinks its my fault she'll probably break one of my toys and I assure you telling my parents does not make it better.

Anywho I distinctively remember when i first started getting into crossdressing, i remember i started to pay attention to a particular girl who wore tights/panythose often, sort of caught my attention. So one day when my sister just peeved me off i stole her skirt and tights and jus wore it as a revenge, but I sort notice this nice sensation coming from wearing it the first time and then I accidently got my first ever ejaculation.

So since then I've been cross dressing on and off privately. I notice i do it more at times of high stress and I think i dress in a way that gears towards my personal preference in what i'd like women to dress. I have no interest in men, sometimes i get weird fantasies of having sex with me when i'm all dressed up but as soon as i'm done it definately turns me off.

Doing it too much definately lowered my self esteem as it made me feel bad, not to mention my mum caught me crossdressing once and thought i was 'broken' person and told me to never do it again. She caught me twice thereafter.

I get urges and do sometimes crossdress here and there, but i find occupying myself with a hobby or goal sort of steers away a bit. I ackowledged that it'll never go away but I think if you can find a passion youre into or something to aim for you can certainly lessen how much it affects your life.

I do relate to you however with the idea of it being like a dirty secret since it's so frowned upon and when you get caught my family they certainly don't accept it ( Mine didn'