Can porn addiction change someone's personality?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

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    In my experience, any addiction whether it's porn or drugs can change an individuals personality. That doesn't mean they are lost forever but getting them back is hard work. I've been free of PMO and drugs for over 4 years now and i'm still recovering from those years. I never got married myself and have only ever had one relationship for 5 years when i was young and had been using porn for maybe 4 years or so. But even back then I realise now how my attitudes changed and were moulded by the content I was viewing, things like expecting my partner to dress up, wanting to try out things i had seen in porn etc. I didn't realise back then where my influences came from and because we always discussed it ie: i always asked first and she most of the time accepted and when she didn't feel comfortable about doing something i respected that choice. The problem is with porn, it influences the user into using a person as a kind of conduit or vehicle rather than truly connecting with that person.

    I can say that in hindsight my fondest memories are not when she decided to dress in a particular outfit or whatever, it was those times when we would just lay there together and experience each other, hearing her giggle, having fun and nothing else existed except us in that moment.

    My use of porn and later, drugs kept me away from dating or any meaningful interaction with the opposite sex because my social skills suffered in favour of trying to reach this 'high' which never leaves you fulfilled but instead leaves you wanting. Porn essentially became my relationship and i think what is happening to your partner is that he is stuck in this mentality of looking for short term gain rather than opting for the patience and determination required to build long term gain, as in that which is experienced with a happy marriage.

    Having sat in rooms full of recovering addicts I can say with conviction that people do change for the better but what is also true is that old saying 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink'

    An addict when they are in the throws of their addiction will put on a kind of mental blind fold where peoples words of advice or interventions appear to them like some kind of attack, so their defense pumps up, part of it is the ego, not wanting to admit that they are wrong or possibly the prospect of having to truly confront whatever pain it is they are trying to mask by their addiction. Eventually though each dog has it's day and when we don't reach out for help or can't find the right kind of help or don't want help at some point rock bottom happens and when it does the person needs to decide whether to get back up and fight or stay in that place.
     
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  2. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear that. He needs to respect you. He need to learn he is being too selfish and think about u sometimes at least.
     
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  3. EfilPafOn_1

    EfilPafOn_1 Fapstronaut

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    Hi Lilla_My,

    I was this guy.

    I didn't realise what effect my actions were having at the time - in fact, I didn't work it out until a year after she left. I feel that, as uncomfortable as the subject might be, it needs to be confronted head on. If he's anything like I was, he may be completely unaware of the pain he is causing you. My partner and I stopped being intimate for a long time before it ended - we were more like housemates or best friends. I loved her very much and was devastated when she left. She found a man that showed her affection and moved on. I understand now 100% why.

    If I'd have realised how she was feeling I would have done everything and anything to fix things, and I'm sure your husband would do the same if he understood the seriousness of this issue.

    Life is too short for you to be feeling miserable in this situation. He needs to quit this habit for good or things will never change.

    I now see how messed up I was for letting the woman I adored endure years of heartbreak, and I can now only hope that her new partner makes her feel special again. I'm certain your husband doesn't want to lose you but you need to let him know things can't continue down this path - You deserve to be treated much better.
     
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  4. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    Yes a persons personality changes when they become addicted to anything (alcohol, drugs, sex). They usually don't recognize it but alot of what they say and do circles around their addiction. You might recognize this more with alcohol because alcoholics cannot go anywhere without it. Every place they go to lunch has to have alcohol. Every trip they take there's alcohol involved etc.

    With sex it's the same but it might not be as obvious.

    The issue with your husband has to start with communication. You both need to be more open about how you're feeling and be willing to talk about it. If that doesn't happen you're not going to go far.

    Your husband may be addicted to porn but that's not the real issue, that's just a symptom of the real issue. If he is addicted and wants to stop then you should stop trying to initiate sex from him in the ways that you describe. If anything you shouldn't be having sex for a time while he gets his mind straight.

    If he admits he's addicted and is wanting to change it'll be alot easier than if he does not.

    His mood and attitude are also likely a symptom of the real issue. That issue, whatever it is, is not likely solved by you and him but by a trained professional. You both could benefit from someone to talk to who is knowledgeable in this area.

    This site, while helpful is not enough to address the core issues.

    Good luck
     
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  5. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your answer @Jagliana. Yes, it makes sense the thing you mentioned with the security blanket. He must feel protective over his private life. We married quite young and I don't think he really knew what it meant to loose some of his indepence (it's inevitable for all of us). He likes to make rules, but not to follow them.

    The self care thing really resonates with me. I don't know how it was for you, but for me, in the beginning, I couldn't focus on anything. Now I'm trying to do my own thing; research for school, fix my nails, therapy, friends.

    I'm still working on ways to make him understand that this will ruin his relationship, but I'm not sure he is "there" yet.
     
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  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply, @thorswrath32. I liked your quote:
    It tells us so much about the big contrast between excitement and long term happiness. Nobody is gonna be on their deathbed wishing they had played more candy crush, seen more porn or been on Facebook for more hours/week. Our souls value completely different things.

    You are right in that he definitively has a blind fold on. I have a feeling he knows very well that what he is doing is harmful and wrong, though. Yet, the allure of it all brings him back and I'm sure he has tons of argument for getting busy with his PMO.
     
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  7. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, @Rehab101, for your support.
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    You are welcome :)

    This is a tough situation to be stuck in, I was in it for twelve years and was so miserable the whole time. I felt the light, my self-esteem and life being sucked right out of me.

    Unfortunately, in my case, it got to the point where I was so lost (disconnected from him, my kids, the world) that I realized I couldn't live so unhappy anymore, after our last d-day, I told him we were over, the marriage was done. It was not until he faced those extreme circumstances, his rock bottom - that he finally realized he had a big problem and needed to make changes. I go through our whole circumstance in my journal, but it's a lot to read through lol.

    I began my self-care journey, even before the last d-day, my gut feeling kept going off, as if warning me something was wrong and I needed to prepare myself to 'move on' and that helped me big time, it is what gave me the courage to finally put my foot down and decide I deserved more.
     
  9. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I'm so grateful for your insightful post. This really opened my eyes to the problem. I've seen so many side effects in relationships due to PMO, but few really address the shift in personality. Sure, we do not have a sex life to speak of, and are more like you mentioned in your case, "room mates". But it's the day to day struggle with his mood that keep reminding me he is not out of the woods yet.

    You mention that he will have the insight of the problem once it's too late, basically. This is the common consensus, I've noticed. I believe that too. I'm sad to hear you realized the problem once she was gone, I guess that's how it goes, unfortunately. We would all be so lucky if we really comprehend the seriousness of things before they got out of hand.

    May I ask if you suffered from any kind of depression related to this? Btw, I had a good laugh at your profile picture!
     
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  10. EfilPafOn_1

    EfilPafOn_1 Fapstronaut

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    You're welcome - I'm glad you found it helpful. Your post reminded me so much of my experience, and hearing how this is making you feel moved me, to the point where I sat and wrote an email to my ex, basically apologising for letting her down and wishing her the best for the future (I'm fairly certain she may have blocked me after the breakup, so chances are she won't see it but it felt good to get it down in writing!)

    Yea, I think the 'Don't know what you've got 'til it's gone' situation is fairly common. Of course, I can't speak for all men but I know I have experienced this, as have many friends. I must admit, I took my partner for granted.

    I honestly believe your husbands mood is directly related to the PMO. I would go as far to say being hooked on PMO is not dissimilar to being a cocaine addict. Both habits involve the release of dopamine - short-lived, intense dopamine. Then comes 'the chaser effect'. And then, the downer. When your husband is not PMOing, he'll act like a coke addict who's supply has run dry, or a smoker who's out of cigs. And as with any addiction - cocaine, nicotine, PMO - it CAN be beaten, but your husband has to WANT to quit. If he knows he has a choice - you or PMO - I'm certain he'd choose his wife. Perhaps this ultimatum sounds harsh, but I think it's the only way he'll understand how much he's hurting you.

    To answer your question, Yes - I've suffered from depression/anxiety/panic attacks for a long time, and though it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it's related to - I've got to say since I've been PMO-free I feel like a new man, honestly. I feel motivated. I smile and laugh to myself for no reason (Could be going crazy!!), I've got back into exercising regularly, eating healthily and have cut out the mid-week drinks. I feel as confident as I ever have done and can look people in the eye without feeling the PMO shame. It's probably the best thing I've ever done. I really think if you can encourage your husband to take this path you could turn things around quicker than you think.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  11. EfilPafOn_1

    EfilPafOn_1 Fapstronaut

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    Oh, and I'm glad the profile pic made you chuckle! Might have to get it printed on a T-shirt!
     
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  12. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

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    me too :emoji_smile:
     
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  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for your reply and I'm sorry for my delayed answer.

    You are right in that we have no real communication skills in this area. We don't talk, and until he admits he has a problem, there won't be any progress. Also, as you pointed out, he has to make the decision himself to quit.

    Yesterday I found out that he is using a lot of private browsers as soon as I go out of town. He was really bad tempered all the week I was away. I start to see a pattern now. I'm devastated.
     
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  14. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Wow, that's some amazing recovery you have done, congrats! Its remarkable how depression can lift from freeing oneself from addiction. It makes a lot of sense if you think about all the neurochemistry behind it. It also has such profound domino effect on everything in life, and as you say, you make better choices all around with healthier habits. Every story like yours makes me happy to hear.

    Also it was very brave of you to write that email. Actually, if she gets it, I think she will be very grateful for it. Sometimes all we people need is an explanation as to why things are the way they are, especially in relationships.

    I was away for a week and my husband's mood turned absolutely horrible. Right before I left, he didn't wanna speak, he didn't wanna be physical (sex he never wants basically, so I just mean hugs and kisses) and he acted strange. No phone calls throughout the week, just some angry texts that the house was not clean enough. He was also mean to our dog, scaring him with the vacuum cleaner on purpose (When he figured out how to use it). During this time, he downloaded several private browsing apps. I don't think he uses them to watch cooking shows.

    Once I returned he confessed to me for the first time that he suffered from depression. After that, things went a little easier and he is a little affectionate again. It's so much ups and downs. Today I'm going to tell him that I know it's an addiction and that he needs to leave if he doesn't agree to do something about it.
     
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  15. I_AM_AWESOME

    I_AM_AWESOME Fapstronaut

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    I'm very sorry to hear that, I know that's crushing. The dynamics of a relationship are very difficult with addiction is involved. Their are struggled on both sides and everyone is in pain. It's hard to see past that when you're in so much pain. It's hard to deal with your own emotions and then be supportive of him. Often times we need to process the emotions first before we can have a conversation about how to face this.

    I would push hard for therapy as a couple, one that specifically deals with sex addictions. There are many flavors of therapy, be sure to study up on them so that you can choose the one that best resonates with you.

    Good luck
     
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  16. Pzljug

    Pzljug Fapstronaut

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    I believe personalities can change, but going over a year sounds like he is trying to take his frustration out on you. But that's not what caught my attention about your post, but him acting like a sully teenager and you a mother. When one partner takes on the parent role, the other immediately takes on the child role, or vice-versa, when both parties want to be able to be treated like an adult.

    I was like this until one day I scared my wife so much she filed for divorce, for me it was just a fight, but to her, she thought I hated her so much that she was afraid I would take everything from her.

    I had to let down all my walls to see that my wife was unhappy, that I was miserable. We hadn't had sex since my 5 yr old daughter was born. I just thought she wasn't into me and didn't care about sex.

    In short I had taken all of my frustrations out on her because I didn't know how to talk to her about my issue.
     
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  17. Gvn2Fly

    Gvn2Fly Fapstronaut

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    He may be suffering from depression or mental illness. Either porn-induced or he uses porn to escape his emotions. I didn't read all of the responses, but has he considered therapy.
     
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  18. RealRockNRolla

    RealRockNRolla Fapstronaut

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    I don't know if this will help or not, but here goes anyway. I notice that I become depressed and lethargic any time I masterbate. When I'm with my girlfriend it's completely different in that, I love when she gets me off etc and it's a completely different feeling than if I were to just have a fly tug in the flat with just me around. However, the past 3 weeks I have been under severe pressure, long story short, my girlfriend has a pain in her ovaries during sex, but it's a coin flip when it happens, this has caused me not to try it on with her, also, on top of that, I had been waiting 2+ months hearing back from University to figure out what was happening with my future, so it was a stressful time. In these stressful times and given that I don't want to hurt my partner during sex, I fapped constantly. I had never felt the need to before as we have high matching sex drives but I literally did not want to jump on her due to this ovarian issue she is having. To make matters worse, she has told me her libido has gone completely, she hasn't even played with herself in 3 weeks or so and is repulsed by even thinking about sex. So....as a guy, what am I meant to do? Regardless, I realise that even though there was a chance to hurt her during sex, there are times when it doesn't hurt her, so I could have easily wanted to jump on her but due to the amount of times I had been pleasuring myself, my libido had literally become non-existent as well.......I had stopped trying with her, I got comfortable, I made no effort at all trying to take her out or even speak much when I was at hers. I had become distant without even realising it, basically, the man she got into the relationship with had been replaced by a shell of himself and that hurts right now to even type this out to you.
     
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  19. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It's very true. One very much delves into this "role". Did the mood improve? How do you feel towards her now?
     
  20. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    No, he hasn't. I don't think he considers it a problem, he has moved over to p subs now.
     

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