Can porn addiction change someone's personality?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Lilla_My, Mar 20, 2019.

  1. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    It has now gone one year since my husband changed personality. From being a very calm, logical and even tempered person, he has turned into a moody, grumpy, withdrawn “teenager”. Me, on the other hand, have inadvertently turned into his nagging mother.

    During this time, I’ve found out about his porn use, which has explained his non existing desire for me. Our sex life isn’t completely dead, but in a comatose state. Every day, I try to initiate intimacy. I tickle him, tease, ask, touch, giggle, beg. Once a week he allows me to basically molest him. I do that wearing seductive lingerie, to which he responds “why do you waste money on that shit?”

    Fair question. Its a special feeling standing there in skimpy outfits, looking like an utter fool. I’ve asked him if he wants to do anything in particular in bed, that might arouse him, but he has said no. We never ever discuss sex, not even when we met (all he said was that he dislikes PMO and never engage in it...). He NEVER expresses any desire for me (before the personality change he could say I was beautiful).

    After discovering his secret internet adventures, I broke apart. The thought of me begging for a sensual touch, a kiss, a hug or a sweet word (and sex obviously), all while he apparently was in the bathroom PMOing was overwhelmingly humiliating. I cried for three months straight, developed weird rashes and had to go to therapy to keep me from suicide. My husband promised to never watch that stuff again, and for a while he was back to normal, kind, loving and somewhat physical. Then came the flatline and his slightly soft erections turned to complete PIED. We were in bed when his genitals suddenly died. Shocked and confused, we just stared at it laying there, out-of-order, like a pink little soft sea sponge. We both pretended nothing had happened.

    His horrible, uncharacteristic mood has since returned. He doesn’t answer much more than “yes" or “no". He sometimes make only sounds and get angry for the most trivial things. One day, there was some unwashed dishes in the kitchen and he got so upset over it he didn’t even leave the bed for the whole day.

    My life consists of trying to keep his mood up. I am just one step from tying balloon animals for him while wearing insanely large shoes and a red nose. I’m constantly joking, laughing, poking him, hugging him (I wrap his arms around me since he doesn’t do that himself). If I’m away, he barely texts or calls and if he writes, it’s never more than a sentence.

    I never ever mention anything that upsets him, but explain my feelings gently; “I feel like...” or “my experience is that...”, just so he doesn’t feel attacked. Inside, I’m so consumed with resentment as to how he had the nerve to propose and marry a woman only to keep her as a piece of furniture in his house. I’ve explained my need for love a billion times in a billion different ways, but he doesn’t get it. I’ve told him I don’t care for money or gifts, I just want a little enthusiasm and love. I’ve literally sat on top of him, screaming “please come back!” to his old self, hoping it would reside somewhere in there and maybe hear me.

    My question is: Can porn addiction do this to a person? I’ve never seen such a wonderful, composed, gorgeous and cool guy turn into such a grey, miserable shadow. How do I convince him to seek help? What can I say? I can’t force myself sexually on him much longer, I feel disgusting. Why can’t he just leave me if he doesn’t love me anymore? Why does he stay only to torture me?
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good day to you...I understand exactly what you are going through...it’s a horrible place to be. My husbands personality changed as well, in much the same way as yours. Thing is I also changed and it was slow and insidious, my son said to me, “ when did you become such a doormat”. That comment caused me to take a hard look at myself.

    My husband hid his porn addiction extremely well. He works out of town so it was easy for him. I always knew something was wrong, but couldn’t place my finger on it. The long term effects of his emotional distance, gaslighting, scapegoating, stonewalling, avoidance etc...turned me from a confident ,vibrate, woman into a whiny, begging, what’s wrong with me person. The more I tried to help him, the more I enabled him.

    I hate to say this, but you’re limited in what you can do to fix him...in fact you can’t. Only he can do that. It’s more important that you look after yourself.

    The day my husband disclosed was the day I had said to him...either step up or step out of the way, I’m done with this marriage. Then in all his wisdom , which was three weeks after I buried my mother, he disclosed his 40year porn history. I went into total shock and physically froze. I couldn’t believe how blind I had been to all the addiction signs.

    He is currently in SA and seeing a Certified sex therapist. There is no physical contact between us. The way I see it, is he’s going to have to show his commitment in actions and words and behaviour. This isn’t my addiction to solve...it’s his. I have to show commitment to myself by seeing my own therapist and growing beyond the emotional abuse and finding out why I put up with such hurtful behaviour. If I don’t take care of me...no one else will.

    My heart goes out to you..I understand completely. You must take care of you. You are stronger than you think you are. BE BRAVE, BE COURAGEOUS, and take care of YOU.
     
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  3. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much for replying. I'm sorry to hear you going through the same hell. As you say, it's your husbands problem to solve really and I'm glad that he has stepped up. This resonated with me;
    Almost every woman in this situation tells the same story. It's dreadful to loose a spouse, but potentially unbearable to loose yourself. I also hate who I have become in many ways.

    I've tried to deal with my own grief and as of lately, my own recovery. As you also must have felt, it's an odd experience to be your own rescuer. I'm so used to be alone now, it's second nature. To say that I feel like a wife would be completely preposterous; I'm a widow of a man that no longer exist, I just don't have any grave to go to.
     
  4. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    This addiction can certainly change their personality. As my husband's addiction has grown over time, he has gone from being the most patient, loving, calm, thoughtful person I've ever known to someone who is angry, selfish, very short-tempered, and doesn't seem to give a crap about the endless amount of pain caused by his addiction. It's heartwrenching to see the destruction done by PA.

    I know that it's possible for their 'old self' to come back with a lot of hard work and complete commitment to recovery. But, they have to want it more than they want to continue protecting their addiction, and even then, it's still an uphill battle...but it's one they can win.
     
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  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I would say that changes in the mood or personality is the biggest signs for me that my partner is either close to a relapse or that he has. He can change more or less overnight, turning distant and defensive to name a few things.

    So if hes not acting the way he used to and you feel that something is wrong i would say trust your instincts.
     
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  6. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Yes, this addiction can definitely change a person like that. What you described in your story was me for 12 years of my marriage. I cause so much pain pain and suffering to my wife throughout those years and I was exactly how you describe your husband. Unfortunately, you can't say or do anything to get him help until he will decide to get help, he has to want to change. The best thing you can for yourself is to take care of yourself, get help for yourself. I didn't start working on myself until my wife had enough and she told me that we were done, only when I realized that I lost her I started doing something.

    As for the reason why he is not leaving, there could be multiple reasons. For me it was denial and I was afraid of what could happen if I would leave, also I got comfortable manipulating my wife, it easy to leave like. Addiction numbs feelings and I thought the way were living was normal and that's how suppose to be, but it was denial talking. You can't keep enabling him and letting him to get a way with what his doing.

    Check out my wifes journal her name on NoFap is @Jagliana, see what she wrote when she started her journal. We went through so much in the past year, we both went through so much changing me in recovery and her in healing. It was hard work with so many difficulties, but now we are closer than ever and she decided to give US another chance, but it happened only after I showed her that I want to change through my consistent work with my recovery and self-care. Recovery is not just stopping PM, but changing your lifestyle, it completely changing who you were.

    I also suggest for you to listen to the podcast The Betrayed, The Addict and The Expert, these guys have so much useful information and you get a perspective from 3 different sides. These podcast is with a couple who went through this, husband and wife and the talk about the problems the faced and also they have an expert, he is certified sex addiction therapist. Here is YouTube like https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg, but they have a podcast which has more episodes.

    If you have anymore questions I would be happy to answer, so is my wife.
     
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  7. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good morning Wade...great podcast. I checked a few of them out. Thank you for the guidance. Much appreciated.
     
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  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    This. I'm so sad to see this, and that it happened to you, but it seems so typical. I hope he has healed from this and gone back to be the man you deserve.
     
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  9. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    How was he before this? So the mood can really change from day to day?
    This year my husband has had two, three weeks were he was almost himself again. Now the miserable man has returned. It may be as you say, that he has relapsed or is about to. I'm sure he still watches it (especially now, when I'm out of town).
     
  10. lovebeach

    lovebeach Fapstronaut

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    I dont know you, but be careful to blame everything on the man.
     
  11. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I cant say how my partner was before the addiction, he has had it long before we met. But i see a clear difference in how he acts if he has been clean for a few days or if he is active.

    He is loving and caring with å genuine interest in me if he is clean, happier and has more drive in him. If he has relapsed be turns cold and distant, having little interest in me or other things he normaly like. And i would say that hes very moody, seaking conflicts etc if hes close to a relaps.

    Hardest thing to tell apart is if he is just close to a relapse or if he has, but i go with my instincts and recomend the same. If he is defencive about it if you ask him i would say that it is another sign of a potential relapse.
     
  12. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    She isn't just "blaming everything on the man." Did you read her entire post? In no way is she being chauvinistic. She is, however, rightfully pointing out how his PMO addiction is affecting their lives.
     
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  13. lovebeach

    lovebeach Fapstronaut

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    There are two sides of every story, and the thruth usually lies somewhere in the middle.
     
  14. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    What exactly are you trying add to this thread that would be helpful? Yes, there are 2 sides to every story. What does that have to do with the OP? She's asking if others have experienced personality changes due to PMO. Are you demonstrating an example of such changes?
     
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  15. lovebeach

    lovebeach Fapstronaut

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    Maybe I started reading the bibel on day 72
     
  16. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your amazing post. I was really down, had a lot of tasks at work and felt very distracted when I saw your post; it really gave me a great deal of comfort.

    "Numb" is a great description of him, he seems unavailable. Normally, seeing me distraught or sad would cause him discomfort, just as I would feel bad if he was hurt in a way. Now he is oblivious to my suffering.

    I read your wife's initial post and some rather ignorant comments she had gotten straight after. Her pain was palpable and I got so sad for her. It delights me to hear that you both are on the right track and better than ever. Its so wonderful to read success stories like that. Sometimes I wonder if you guys know what a great support you are to the community.

    I'm looking forward to watch the YouTube video you recommended, it seems very insightful.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I think part of the distress I've felt this past year is the intense self blame. What did I do to make him like this? I've studied every little thing I've said and done. As I've stated in my post, I married a wonderful man, a man I truly admire. I couldn't have asked for more. I never wanted to change him in any way, he was the perfect partner for four years. So what caused the change?
    True. But how come he has never told me what's wrong with me then? If it's my fault, or partly my fault, why doesn't he say that? I've asked him hundreds of times. I WANT to know if I've done something to him. But for twelve months, he hasn't given me an explanation. He is a brave man, if I have caused him any misery, I think he would actually at some point, in some weak moment, have let me know that. But he hasn't.

    He has complained that I "care to much", that's true. But as long as a woman loves a man, she will care. I will care. The day I no longer care is the day I'm turning my back at him and never look back.
     
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  18. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    I'm glad I could help you and I hope I answered your questions. I never thought that my story could inspire anyone, I happy it dies though. It was a very hard journey and still is, we still have so many difficult days that sometimes I'm not sure we can make it, i happy that we do but ita not easy. Both recovery and healing are not easy and requires a lot of work, but you need to want to do the work and have the discipline to do it. I can see that you love your husband and you want to help him, but until he hits his rock bottom he might not realize that he needs help. You need to take care of yourself, you need to get better yourself. If you will be sacrificing yourself for him and trying to help someone who doesn't want help you will burn out and end up miserable.

    Definitely check out those YouTube videos and you should find their podcast and listen to those. I wish you luck and hope everything will work out, but you have to make a decision. If you have questions for me or my wife don't hesitate to send us a message we will be happy to help.
     
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  19. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I really appreciate you taking the time to answer. What I think most SOs really need is some kind of insight, and there is no better way than to listen to the stories of former PAs. It has helped way more than therapy for me. I feel better now than I thought was possible some months ago, thanks to people like you!

    The advice is very helpful. I can't "love him out of it" and he needs to hit rock bottom. What I would like to know is why he is so angry with me? Is it guilt?
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  20. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I will let @Wade W. Wilson give you his own full response, I'm his wife, so I can only give you my perspective on it. I don't believe he is angry with you, per se, I think he is angry with his 'security blanket' (the addiction) 1. being found out about and 2. being threatened to be taken away. So, I think he is acting out (addict behavior) when he is short, angry etc.

    It is both guilt, shame and probably a whole lot of resentment because he doesn't want to give up his vice but somewhere in his head, he knows he has to or he will lose everything.

    Now, it is a matter of getting him from stopping this addiction because it is something he has finally realized is causing harm to HIMSELF, once that epiphany happens, real recovery begins and you'll be amazed at the person that comes out of it. He needs to get educated though, really learn about this addiction and just how much harm it causes.

    Both of you have to do self-care, both @Wade W. Wilson and I have found it is one of the most important parts of recovery, more than anything else - for you both.

    My husband and I, we post links to helpful videos daily (in our journals), so when you are bored you can check them out. Off the top of my head though, I think these are some good ones to start with:

    ADDICTION/BETRAYAL:
    'Help Her Heal' series | by Dr. Doug Weiss
    We recommend getting his entire DVD set: https://amzn.to/2PLaYeU
    This is a clip:


    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert (HIGHLY recommend finding their free podcast and listening to it together) link here.
    Addiction Recovery: Difference of Sobriety and Recovery


    Robert Weiss PhD, MSW (his free podcast "Sex, Love, and Addiction" is great too, link here)
    Out of the Doghouse: Sex Addiction, Infidelity, and Betrayed Spouses


    SELF-CARE/MOTIVATION:
    We listen to this one episode a day:
    7 Good Minutes Daily Self-Improvement Podcast with Clyde Lee Dennis (link here)
    https://7goodminutes.com/podcast/

    Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu:
    YouTube Video version
    Podcast

    The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes:
    YouTube Video version
    Podcast

    Jay Shetty:
    YouTube Video version
    Podcast

    Just to name a few :)
     
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