bull that i tell myself (**triggers)

atta boy!!!

 

Sorry to hear. Pick yourself up and start over. Don't tear yourself down. How is she handling the relapse?

Giving the password to her is a good thing. Let her change it so you can't unblock sites in a weak moment.

Do you know what triggered you into relapse? Pinpointing those times can help you refocus and redirect yourself so you can avoid the high temptation times. Journaling is extremely helpful. Head over to the Reboot Logs to start yours. You'll get a lot of input and insight and help from everyone on your journey to being PM free (I assume you want the O since you are married ).

 

It's all about finding what works for you, and sometimes that takes multiple tries and experimentation. You relapsed, so now you're trying giving your wife the password. If that doesn't work out, you'll try something else. You just have to keep on trucking until you find what works and sticks.

 

hi @jobbyj - sorry to hear, that sucks. you've gotten good advice about not staying in the fire swamp and beating yourself up.

re: K9 and the like. tools like k9 and OpenDNS (another tool I highly recommend!) and super important - they are like locking your doors and boarding up windows if you know a murderer is going to attack your house. it is imperative to take all steps necessary to make it hard for the murderer to damage you when he arrives - otherwise you just die and no progress is made. I also highly recommend reading @Kenzi's thread on the Lists her husband uses.

all that said, those tools only minimize the damage and provide you a safe space to begin the REAL WORK. the real work is figuring out why the murderer is hunting you at all. maybe you know that PMO is almost always a band aid to cover up something else. the something else is a hurt or pain or something that we just don't want to feel. and damnit, but pmo and dopamine work really well to put our brains in another place where we don't think or feel any of the stuff we'd rather not. except it has a really bad hangover - and we learn to hate ourselves for our lack of being worthy of respect and lack of self-control.

so my friend - by all means secure you house. dig a moat, board up the windows. but then do not put off working on the real issue. it won't be fun. it causes triggers all by itself. but it is the only way. stand up and fight for your dignity and your wife and your future. you will never be sorry.

peace, brother

 

My advice... Have your wife set the password up and just not tell you.
What is the point of you having the password anyway?

 

not arrogant at all - I just didn't know

 

First, props for calling yourself on your bull! You are very right, all your "will never" and "will not" are inaccurate statements. You cannot predict the next five minutes, let alone the realm of possibilities that could open for you in a month or year! Keep calling yourself on your bull.

Be aware that blame is bull, too, because blaming puts all the responsibility on the other person and you take no accountability or responsibility for yourself. "...She is religious so we were not that active" is blaming. Where were you in this? What are you taking responsibility for in that? What other things are you blaming on other people or external factors? For what things can you claim responsibility, and therefore claim the ability to make things different?

Second, why are you using porn? I mean it like this: porn is serving you some kind of function, it is filling some kind of need. What is that need? Before you say "need for sexual contact" be careful - sex is not a true need. No one has died from not having sex! So what is the purpose behind your porn use?

What I have discovered in my...porn-free journey? I really need a better name for it. Anymeow, what I've discovered in my fapstronauting, is that porn is a symptom or a band-aid for something else that is going on, and taking the time to do a lot of introspection, personal development, and responsibility are what will get you through this to something happy. I have also found external help, like a counsellor, to be exceptionally useful in that regard. What would you think of sitting down with a counsellor on your own? With your wife?