becoming a live-in slave

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by graham55, May 22, 2018.

  1. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

    may god bless you power to come out of hole you dug yourself.
    all best best man. i shall pray for you brother.
     
  2. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    It’s no longer a simple case of abstinence about 2 years ago I did not so and got to about 110days then decided to pmo to femdom again.

    Something keeps pulling me back I have to decronstruct that or I will never be free.

    I can theoretically abstain long enough but the thoughts just stay. I have to end the pull I have to it.

    Have you ever eaten your cum? If not why not? Now ask me why I did it and I’ll say a mistress told me too, but I allowed it to happen. I’d never done it before so I guess novelty but then I did it again a few more times and threw up/tried to vomit it out afterward very time.

    It’s like this constant turmoil of Jekyll and Hyde living inside me he’s always inside.
     
  3. delhiboy

    delhiboy Fapstronaut

    tame your mind otherwise it will destroy you my human friend. take responsibility!
     
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  4. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    As I said, you may need to seek a professional counselor, who can help you unravel this fantasy. In my own life, I think a lot of my fantasies have to do with qualities I admire but that I don't perceive in myself; and the specific fantasy of being dominated or controlled I think is about me letting myself off the hook -- that is, if someone "makes" me do this or that, I'm not responsible.
     
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  5. HaydenK95

    HaydenK95 Fapstronaut

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    Holy crap! I don't even know what a "live in slave is" but I promise you no matter how bad your addiction is, God can save and rid you of this terrible disease. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but I do pray you get help. Do not throw your life away for this filth.
     
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  6. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    The reality is being a slave serves no purpose.

    Clearly, you want this, but you have to start by realising what we want is not necessarily good for us. If I want to end my life is it good? No.

    You exist in order to live a 'good life'. Giving everything you have to someone for nothing is not good. You want to give all responsibility for your life to someone else, someone who's only qualification is they are female and want to treat you badly. This is the reality.

    I used to be into Femdom too. I am now free of it. I only became free by abstaining from pmo for months. Eventually the fantasies stopped, and I am now no longer craving any of this. In fact it makes me wretch.

    All you can do is stop pmo now and seek a healthier lifestyle. Your life needs to change, otherwise you will never escape this.

    You think you don't want to escape this, but honestly when addicted to pmo we are ill. We need to acknowledge this before we can heal.
     
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  7. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    day 11 lapsed last night and pmo'd in a cam session this morning. I was seeing a blonde dominatrix who i used to see and the craziest thing happened at the end. I realized the only reason i was hard and blew so quickly was because i was into her appearance, it wasn't the acts themselves or you would do them when you're not aroused. She just had a look that i liked.

    I have untangled alot i believe, delving deeping into my sub-conscious but a few things remain that i'm working on. Mainly things i've done like eating cum etc. I will release these things later today and be done with this.
     
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  8. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Any progress in your situation is a positive. You are in a very dark place right now.

    You can get out of this though - I have been in a similar place, not as extreme I admit, but I am free now. Believe me, freedom is a wonderful thing!
     
  9. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    Not really sure what to do anymore. Not sure if i'm gay, trans or bi. You watch videos of female mistresses telling you to do things like feminization and it turns you on. Does it make you gay, trans , bi if it arouses you? Maybe i'm just repressing my natural state and that's what is causing the distress.

    I find it so hard now to know what is what, what to think, who i am. How does anyone know? If i had one magic wish in my life it would be to exorcise all femdom attraction that i have towards it but i can't help but that i actually like dominant women so i might be fighting a loose battle. :emoji_cry:
     
  10. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Dude, my heart goes out to you, I'm praying for you and I want to help you. But, first, I am over my head in this sort of thing; you need someone with greater skill. And, second, I'm on the other side of a keyboard, I'm not there, in person, with you.

    You have GOT to seek out people in your life who can help you.

    I don't believe for one second that being a slave or someone's doormat is your "natural state." That is BULLSHIT. Believe me, I get the fantasy, because I've been there. I know how those who love this fantasy (and write stories about it), claim this is all the natural order. IT IS A F***ING, FILTHY LIE! You are a man. You are a human being. Your natural state is to be a child of God and part of the brotherhood of humanity. "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal and endowed with certain, inalienable rights, and that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." Still true after 245 years.

    I don't know you, I don't know anything about your life, your family, your friends. But if you don't have people you trust, who really love you, and want you to be healthy, then FIND SOME. They exist. Find people who love you enough not merely to tell you what they think you want to hear, but who will tell you the truth, even if it's unwelcome. Find people who want you to be a whole, healthy, free human being and won't accept any less. They want you as a friend, a brother, a companion, not as a slave or inferior. One of the things I figured out, when I used to pursue this fantasy, is that most people recoil from this idea, even when they are going to be the superior. Most people find it repulsive.

    Dude, this site can be helpful, but it isn't the whole solution, it's only a part. I'm glad to talk to you here, all of us here are, but be sure to seek out people in your real life. The right people.

    I'm praying for you.
     
  11. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    I do not think you are gay trans or bi. These are tools Femdom uses to break you. You just need to rebuild yourself.
     
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  12. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe 1 week then yesterday had a lapse without porn which then led to a full blown PMO x2. It’s clear now that I need full reset without pmo for at least 30 days.

    Even if MO isn’t harmful it almost always leads to a further PMO.

    Another thing I’ve noticed is I just can’t do the cei /blackmail deprived acts anymore. I tried most, did it a few times but now it’s like my body rejects it completely.

    Mentally ill watch the video but I don’t go through with them at all even if I force myself too.

    I don’t know why this is. But there’s got to be more to life than this.

    I’ve done a lot of work delving into my childhood trying to understand certain parts of the impact it’s had.

    But at the heart What I really want from a mistress is to be accepted.

    By calling me a loser,black piece of shit, she acknowledges it and by being with me as her slave she accepts it.

    I want to be accepted for who I am
     
  13. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    No, you are not gay, trans or bi. I wasn't into femdom, but into sissy porn. This is manipulation.

    Do you naturally like dominant women or is it porn induced?
     
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  14. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    8-9 days another lapse.

    I think naturally I do like dominant women, I mean who doesn’t? If a supermodel girl you dream about came up to you and pinned you down and wanted to fuck your brains out who wouldn’t want that? A hot girl to jump them.

    I just don’t understand why before cumming I want this lifestyle so bad but after I cum it fades away. And I revolt against the idea
     
  15. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    I can’t help but feel this immense dissatisfaction with this man. I look at the Instagram stories of my friends or female I know and think what the fuck am I doing siting here at home flicking my bean, doing cei, looking for mistresses.

    It makes no fucking sense. I know my value and how people treat me in reality how amazing life can be.

    But I choose to re-live a fucked up fantasy in my head and convince myself I’m addicted when I’m not. I fear that nothing else gives me the same amount of pleasure and that I am a slave, but it sounds ridiculous.

    Why do I chase this lifestyle and continue to pmo, it’s a choice. I see the light and say I’ll never do it again and somehow slip back to it, I’m tired of living like a loser.

    The inner game work I tried to do fucked me up and I don’t know how to undo it.

    I opened up Pandora’s box and was considering suicide again heavily last week. I don’t know why I have these feelings to end it, the pain in my heart is constant.

    I feel no motivation or have any goals whatsoever in life, no dreams. I used to but the program i took fucked that up.

    Saying everything I was doing was wrong and fucked because it was coming out of scarcity, in reaction the gym, life, everything.
     
  16. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    I am praying for you. I honestly think the advice I've given on this thread is the best I can offer. I strongly encourage you to seek out people in real life who you trust, and share this. You can't win alone. And if you aren't seeing a professional counselor, do that. A counselor/psychologist/therapist can give you insights and clarity you can't do on your own. If you have a mysterious physical pain, you go to a doctor. A psychologist or counselor can help with this.

    You can't beat this alone.
     
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  17. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    I can't help but agree, as stubborn as i am i will need help on this one. But it's just not that easy. Last year i was seeing a therapist and spent close a thousand dollars and it helped but i feel like i reached a wall with her. There aren't many therapists out there who understand Femdom addiction. And it's no easy to tell people you want to to be a slave, who eats shit and eats his own cum.

    I had another pmo session yesterday with a mistress, and in the end i told her everything she started to give me advice saying it all stemmed from my childhood. She planed to help me with 1 final session but in the end she got angry and blocked me. She was the closet i had to healing. Had another blackmail PMO session today and feel terrible.
    The girl recorded it and now has a video on her phone of me cumming, it's so sad. Cumming is such a precious thing and this chick has it on her phone so she can show her friends and laugh. I begged her to delete it but she won't.

    I don't have a job right now so my life is stay at home all day, numb myself with games and netflix and watch porn. Opening pandora's box really hurt me and i don't know nor think you can un-open it. The only way is forward, to pull everything out and come full circle.

    It's a reoccuring pattern in my life, relapse, regret, quit in a large scale. And i can see how it must be related to my childhood completely 100%. Normal guys aren't into this shit. If you're an older guy working a high powered job then sure i understand it. But if you're 23 you can't help but wonder why you're so addicted to being abused by a woman.

    It has to be in the childhood, somewhere.
     
  18. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    I have been reading through this thread, deeply resonating with what you've shared. One of my oldest and most persistent sexual fantasies involves abuse, degradation, and slavery. Even though I have had some long periods of sobriety over the last decade, this keeps coming back - which is confusing because I think of myself as a more or less ordinary person.

    Something I've come to see through this is that stopping this fantasy, stopping my acting out of this fantasy, while essential, is not enough. I need to stop and begin to to deal with and heal exactly what you describe above. I need to stop and, at the same time, deal with and heal my (1) deep need to have all of me seen and accepted and (2) my deep belief that this 'me' is somehow bad, wrong, perverted.

    How to do this? Well, in answering this question (for both of us, really, as I am still working on this) I am not saying anything that has not already been offered here in this thread. Do whatever it takes to stop acting out (allowing that there will be relapses in this process) and find someone, anyone (who is not some sort of sex worker) who you can begin to establish a sense of trust, intimacy, openness and acceptance with. The friend you mentioned, volunteers at free counselling centres, members of (sex-specific) twelve-step recovery groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) are all good (and free) potential resources.

    Best of luck...
     
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  19. graham55

    graham55 Fapstronaut

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    I contacted a Skype Dominatrix yesterday regarding my fantasy: i've had for a while:

    "to be completely owned, ruined and dominated by a mistress. Broken by you, so i''ll be your slave forever. Forcing me to eat my cum, breathplay till i nearly pass out, edging, eating my cum, blackmail, threateneing to tell my parents, making me do humiliating things as tasks, CBT, foot fetish,, this is all difficult since it's not in person sessions or live in 24/7 but as close as possible"

    She explained to me how despite what you see on Twitter and in porn, domination is not all doom and gloom. It's a mutual power exchange powered on trust and love.

    She asked about my childhood and i told her it was all traumatic, got bullied loads, the girls i looked never liked me, was humiliated etc.. I't wasn't until uni that i started changing myself and started having experiences, lost my virginity, realized i was attractive and what not, but on the side i was still watching porn, so its like i've been living 2 lifestyles in my head, and it's time to commit, to one. I've tried to quit this stuff but i can't so i'll try the other.

    She went on to explain that it was in my childhood which i agree. Most of herclients would probably be older guys,they work high powered jobs and feel the need to switch the power roles, but like i'm 23. Yet i want fantasies that are more extreme than them.

    I told her about my parents etc.. i was beat and made to feel shit for who i am ,my parents said' you are brown and people don't like us, so you have to work harder than anyone else' he didn't like that i would stay indoor all day playing computer games, he always said "when you're 18 you can do whatever you want" And so i did was on my 18th birthday lol. Went to a strip club had my first drink yada yada

    Then she said something so profound it trumps everything:
    "Ok cool. So now I know where the fantasy comes from, it feels like you you want to live out, act out this fantasy so you can get this shit off your chest and then pack it in a bubble and blow it away while you're young and your brain still has the neuroplasticity to build positive habits and processes. Am I right mate?"

    This was exactly true, and she was prepared to help but switched to her darker side saying i was wasting time when an issue came up about payment. It was genuine misinterpretation but being so bipolar she blocked me and won't message me anymore.

    I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy, and still i replay the same Hyde inside of myself, yet she fully understands it within a 20 minute session and now the one person who understands, is too pissed off and wont help me.

    She did offer a little insight into how i can be fixed before i got blocked and before the misinterpretation. Which was
    "you need to get out of there and let your brains neuroplasticity heal you.",
    I think we try to live out the fantasy, and then educate you on why you had to do that to move forward, so you can move forward knowing what's been happening in your head."

    So when you feel bad, like you do after you eat your own cum, is time, when you quit, I educate you on WHY you got into it in the first place and WHY you don't need that as an escape anymore if you move out of your parents house after you quit the kink"

    she can't be the only dominatrix in the world familiar with this sort of healing, she's cut me off so i can't get her help anymore yet she accomplishmed more in 30 minutes than most therapists i've seen and spent loads of money on.
     
  20. Orest

    Orest Fapstronaut

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    why do you pay for that?Cant you just find a girlfriend and do it with her?i mean this is beyond stupid in my opinion!!
     
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