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becoming a live-in slave

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Round Robin, May 22, 2018.

  1. anewversion

    anewversion Fapstronaut

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    This is excellent progress.
     
  2. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    23 days in, this is hard work I’m having thoughts here and there and contemplating the lifestyle.

    I’m trying to hold onto hope that if I abstain long enough I’ll get whatever “buzz” I get from Femdom from real life woman and hopefully some of that darker stuff will melt away keep calm and carry on.
     
    Arms.R.heavy likes this.
  3. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    23 days, had a lapse, it started with having little menial thoughts here and there, slowely it progressed over the last 48 hours to the point where when I woke up this morning my mind was hijacked.

    Went onto looking for Dommes messaging them and finally watching porn and lapsing.

    Can’t allow these thoughts to manifest, you have to accept them let them go and pass but fantasying more is like adding fuel to the fire.

    I’ll carry on in the hope that one day the fire will stop burning.
     
  4. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Another lapse 1 hr later, this whole thing feels like a sickness in the mind that serves no real purpose in real life the more I try and go after what it “wants me to” I’m addicted to a fantasy that keeps looping but hopefully it can dissipate with enough distance.

    Keep calm and carry on, time to beat this thing.

    Was in bed the whole day started searching again and another lapse.

    3 lapses today. 3 lapses in 23 days
     
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2019
  5. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Enough is enough. This will probably be my last post on here for a while after 3 lapses today I hit breaking point.

    I’m sat here in my hostel in Australia and one of my roomamates walks in , ( I went to the beach with 2 girls a few days and really started crushing on one of the girls) anyway he walks in saying he saw the girl sat in the kitchen and it hit me like a brick.

    Here I was upstairs flicking my bean whilst she was sat downstairs. It reminds me of talk Nick Dijovic gave on YouTube where he says
    “If I fail 100 times, if I fail 100 times and give up do you think I’ll ever get up? No, if I fail I try and try and try again for as long as I don’t give up there’s always a chance”.

    I was giving up on my dreams literally and choosing a different path guaranteeing I never get my dream.

    Fuck that, I’m going to try again to best this but this time I’m going to give it everything I’ve got inside, my writing this it also holds me accountable to it.

    I’ve spent the last 4 hours at central station in deep thought and contemplation.

    I’ve been very fortunate in my life to experience some surreal micro breathtaking moments with girls. And I’m sure there’s many more to come, one day I’ll look back to this day and thank myself for choosing this path and going forward I’ll never look back.

    Keep calm and carry on,
    Graham singning out for a while, have dreams and a life to life.

    Best of luck all in your journeys
     
    Deleted Account, anewhope and zaba99 like this.
  6. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Last I made a decision after starting watching some videos not to lapse but I came home and ended up lapsing. 4 days later since the last time.

    I was watching videos when I got a text from a girl inviting me out for a pub quiz, the same girl I’d been crushing on.

    I sat in contemplation thinking am I really going to throw away my dreams lapse and then go spend 4 hours on the harbour bridge again thinking about life and building myself to comeback? I said no went out had a great time but ended up coming home and lapsing.

    This morning I woke up and rather than go out with them again I decided to stay st home and lapse again.

    I feel terrible and I don’t think I can go on like this. My therapist used to explain this like a dirt track and a motorbike that goes round and round.

    Once you start on the path that you’ve conditioned it’s hard to come off it and it’s a slippery slope that just repeats itself if you let it.

    I need to put a system in place be it daily journaling and a prayer/promise to myself every morning because this is getting ridiculous so that’s what I’ll do.

    Every day a 1 minute prayer when I wake up and a little journal in the morning and at night time. No more fantasising no more searches this ends today.

    If fantasies arise I’ll acknowledge them then dismiss them soo can make that little version of myself proud.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2019
  7. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I was on my bed started fantasying and lapsed without even watching porn. I followed up by messaging Dommes> watching videos and then it happened.

    I got a call back from a Dom I’d been trying to meet asking if I was serious and she told me to get on a train to her place.

    I told her I would and got ready for the hour long journey.

    The whole way I had shortness of breath and felt uneasy but I showed up.

    We spoke for around 30 minutes as I delved into what I wanted and she spoke before suggesting a session, I’d brought cash along and we had a session.

    I was restrained and I was scared because I didn’t know what she had behind her back, she said it was only a small knife and I freaked shouting the safe word but she didn’t care.

    I wanted full time 24/7 slavery and that’s what she wanted to do

    I begged her not too cut me I’d literally do anything more money, but don’t cut me. She pulled her hand forward to show a vibrator not a knife.

    I was relieved as I thought she would actually do it. She then began to tell me about how she could break my dick, again I begged her not too.

    My reasoning was I if you break it I can’t cum which means I can’t get aroused. She replied telling me that doesn’t matter to me does it.

    The session went on till the end where she asked me to cum and if she’d have asked me to it eat or got a camera out to blackmail me I would have freaked.

    What I realised after the session, Fantasy doesn’t live up to the reality. I wanted all these extreme things but the reality was different.

    I have limits which doesn’t add up because if I wanted to be broken I should have any.

    There I was with a woman who would gladly break my cock and ruin me permanently but i didn’t want that.

    But I want it in my mind in my fantasy or maybe she just wasn’t the right mistress and was a bit extreme

    What’s interesting is aside from the physical the mental I wanted when she asked me what humiliation you want?
    I hesitated to say race, height, skin colour, piece of shit, loser, little bitch, pathetic slave. That’s one of the kicks I get out of this.

    I figured this might be the turning point I needed but I woke up this morning and lapsed while messaging another mistress.

    If I could have one magic wish in my life it would be to completely remove all femdom and submissiveness that I’m attracted too.

    Life would be so much easier, I could just be dominant, which makes me ask the question why don’t i remove it all.

    The answer is I get some sort of pleasure from femdom and submissiveness feeding off insecurities most likely as relevant to to the type of femdom I like.

    If I was to work on those insecurities, pre porn I still had a foot fetish which isn’t really a big deal.

    I did see something in a movie with a girl colouring a guy with her boot and that got me aroused as did being squashed by large girl at school so call that a being crushed fetish.

    I’ve re-read all the threads on this past and it’s dauned on me that before porn all I had was a foot fetish/squash fetish.

    Everything else was a progression of porn and thus my sexual tastes have been morphed. Holy fuck.

    In other words if I never even watched any porn right now all I’d have is a foot fetish and squat fetish which I can live with.

    Now after all the shit I’ve seen in 10 years and done I think I’ve come to a point where I’m happy to call it enough because it doesn’t make sense to carry on that toxic path.

    I’m fortunate to have not gone to the very extremes yet but I’ve done things that I’m not proud of but it doesn’t bother me. Because no one is perfect we all make mistakes and we’re all human.

    If I quit porn I think I have a strong chance of some of my sexual tastes being reverted but maybe not all.

    When the dominatrix called out the list of things I wanted in the session she mentioned only 1 of them was physical pain, ballbusting.

    The rest was humiliation and deprived acts. I believe these to be feeding off insecurities of the past because when she asked what I wanted in humiliation I hesitated telling her because I was insecure about it.

    So that proves that humiliation and degradation just feeds off of your insecurities.

    After enough abstinence people report getting the same high from femdom as they do in real life with a real woman if not a better high, so if I quit I’ll stoll get the same rush/ feelings if not a higher one, it’s a no brainer

    Now going forward I impose to leave this path behind for sometime ideally 90 days minimum and see where we get too.

    If I work on my insecurities that eliminates the need for humiliation which eliminates the need for a mistress since all I’m left with is my foot fetish, squash fetish (which I want to/can try remove)
    And ballbusting which all can be done with my dream partner.

    Knowing this honestly makes this whole thing seem so ridiculous now and it’s obvious I need abstinence.


    No more porn or checking the emails associated, no more searching for dommmes or messaging them all must be deleted, no more fantasying about anything other than foot fetish if it starts to wander pull it back.

    Gratitude and love yourself journal daily and 1 minute prayer every morning and night.

    I’ll draw up on all the wisdom I’ve learned from this thread, other, myself and life here to finish.

    Nick Djovac said “ if I fail 100 times, if I fail 100 times and give up do you think I’ll ever get up? No. For as long as I try there’s always a chance i could get up”. It won’t be easy but I won’t give up and I’ll heal this and find a way out and then I’ll come back teach others to do the same.

    Kano said in his song strangers” but we all carry scars and cuts were grown ups” no one is perfect I’ve done some things in my life and that’s ok you can still go out and get what you want.

    I encourage you to look into ‘life scripts’ and how you can re-write your life script.
    A good exercise is to picture a cinema with all your friends, family, relatives watching and your life is the movie.

    How does the movie start, end finish. If you don’t. Like the ending change the movie. I did the exercise and saw the life with femdom and the life without and I’ve made my choice.

    Since willpower is not enough I’ve put certain steps in place above and when things get really tough I’m going to cast my mind back the inner child of mine who was bullied and felt powerless and that will give me the power to “keep calm and carry on” as Churchill said

    Best,
    Graham
     
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2019
    Mudkit and Deleted Account like this.
  8. anewversion

    anewversion Fapstronaut

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    graham55 - How old are you?

    I have lots of experience with Femdom and foot fetish. I've had a foot fetish since age 6-8 and I am now 37. I've been watching porn since I was about 16 so a good 20 years.

    My story is similar to yours. It started with a foot fetish and when the internet appeared in my life it progressed from there.

    The very first thing I would say is stop paying for any sessions. These women are just using you to make money. Cut that out immediately as step one.

    I understand the urge. There are two people in side me. One wants to sink head first in to this fantasy and get lost in it. The other is horrified at the thought of becoming that person.

    You need to find something inside you that decides that you want to be someone in life. you need a purpose. It's OK to have these fantasies. Completely OK. But don't let them rule you.

    Imagine living a normal fulfilling life with purpose and having a loving girlfriend. With this person you can enjoy a full sexual life with. 'Explore'.

    You need to start with your self. you need to find a purpose and some determination to start building your life and the person you are.

    I struggle with porn. BUT.... I think every time I try and fail I am getting better at controlling it. Not every time you go back to porn is an undoing of your hard work. It;s just a small bump in the road.

    The footfetish? Well that's pre-porn and hardwired in my brain so will probably have it for the rest of my life. But you know what? Some girls would die to have a guy massage her feet so given the right circumstances its a bonus rather than a cure despite sometimes feeling like that.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  9. 4DCreator

    4DCreator Fapstronaut

    I have also very strong foot fetish from my childhood, doesn't have anything to do with porn. It will be wired in the brain forever. It makes my nofap journey extremely difficult as it is quite easy to see women feet anywhere. Especially in the summer. I never got into femdom (don't even know what is it) or anything regarding my foot fetish. It always stayed with me as a basic foot fetish and all my ex-gf liked it. But I never had any submissive personality or behavior or anything.
     
  10. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

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    Keep going @graham55 you are getting closer all the time. I wish you a relapse free time and hope that comes soon for you.
     
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  11. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Graham:

    My situation isn't that close to yours, but there is at least some similarity it seems to me. I've never actually engaged in any in-person activity with a Dominant, but I've certainly looked at porn with that theme, read stories, even wrote some too. And I've listened to audio files, and seriously thought about paying money for access to more (not exactly like "tributing," but kind of close). At one time, I would engage in chat and although I can't remember exactly, I bet I did some phone stuff too.

    One of the things I have tried to do, which has helped me, is to reflect seriously and extensively on just what it is about being dominated that appeals to me, that gets me going. What I mean is this: instead of engaging in the fantasy, I have many times tried to think hard and at length about, "what is this? what does this do for me? what is it, exactly, that gets me aroused?" You might think that thought-process would lead back into the fantasy-arousal cycle, but for me it did not, because I would try to keep my thought-process "clinical" and analytical, if that makes sense.

    For me, I decided that the whole fantasy of domination and being controlled was all about letting myself off the hook. It enabled me to do things that I knew were wrong; but because someone "made me do it," and took control of me, then I wasn't responsible. Also, I decided that what I really wanted was being given attention, and, well, loved.

    So my goal and my achievement in all this is cutting through all the fantasy, to the REAL issue, the REAL desires. A desire to be at peace with myself; a desire for attention, for love, for being valued, etc. It wasn't really about the surface fantasy -- you know, wearing a collar or whatever. It was about something else.

    At least, that was my conclusion. But here's the thing: when I cut through all that, the surface stuff LOST ITS POWER.

    I'm not saying I can't get back into it, or that I'm not vulnerable to temptation. I'm saying, rather, that when I identify the underlying thing, and FOCUS ON THAT, the surface stuff doesn't matter. Or, I can be lazy, and just go back to the surface stuff. The thing is, I have a choice, and I like that.

    This is too long, so I'll stop. But if you want to talk further, I am glad to do what I can to help.
     
  12. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

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    Reading this post really woke me up.

    Holy shit I just have an addiction to 'normal porn but reading this made me realise some of the degenerate shit associated with porn use. This shit is going out my life. Day 10 never going back
     
  13. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    I’ll post for accountability and say I slipped up yesterday and today.

    Yesterday I was incredibly horny thought I could just look up hot girls on Instagram and somehow accidentally clicked on a link who was a mistress, it triggered me and In the end I masterbated to fantasy in my head.

    Not so bad but seconds later masterbated to soft porn. Went to work and could get the images out of my head of what triggered me.

    Fell asleep and following morning watching videos>sessions>pmo.

    Last lapse was 16 days ago. Not beating myself up and will learn from it.

    I no longer watch femdom bullshit so I tricked myself into looking at other things then slipped onto the pathway.

    I realise now that I’m just too sensitive too so that yet and will need at least 90 days to lessen the effects.

    I have 2 options to carry on and keep going or to stop and change my life around.

    I’m fully committed to changing now and can see the bullshit in femdom. It’s ALL fantasy and not reality.

    You can’t control your triggers but you can control your reaction to it, which in my case will be reminding myself of the promise I make today, to pay the price and get out of the box once and for all. I’ve had enough and it’s all fantasy and not reality.

    I will create and change my life script for the better, if you don’t like the movie you change the ending.

    If I quit I have a 0% chance of healing, if I stop there is a good chance to heal. The latter sounds better than 0%.

    Like Kano says “but we all carry scars and cuts were grown ups” no one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

    I will seize the day and life my life the best I can like I have been the last 16 days.

    I choose to make all my dreams become a reality,meet my dream girl and explore sex with her in a healthy way and maybe even foot fetish who knows.

    as I famously say
    “Keep calm and carry on”.

    Today was the day that I bulletproofed my trigger reaction.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2019
    Master Chips likes this.
  14. Great man keep it up keep it up you are better than that, don't stop ever, you are a hero in this story, you are the warrior and the Freeman out of your triggers. Let's kill this fantasy and be from the minority who won this dirty game.
     
  15. Yahoomadad

    Yahoomadad New Fapstronaut

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  16. Yahoomadad

    Yahoomadad New Fapstronaut

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    Hi.is it possible to win against femdom fantasy?
     
  17. Yes it is, many did, so u can too :)
     
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  18. GForward

    GForward New Fapstronaut

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    What i absolutely hate about his post is that people are on this site to get better, and what he is posting could easily trigger a lot of people to relapse. He also sort of eggs people on saying why not do abc if i enjoy it. Okay he doesnt want his life to get better, fine, but why drag down others? What a selfish post.
     
  19. Round Robin

    Round Robin Fapstronaut

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    Yesterday I started fantasising it manifested and lapsed without porn. Felt really bad and depressed at work till today, the following morning.

    Just had a PMO session forcing myself to CEI but couldn’t go through with it, so just cummed. it’s a reoccuring theme now, watching the videos hoping and trying to do it but it never ends up happening.

    My body resists because I know where it leads but the fantasy is strong, reality is different. It’s the same with my experience in blackmail, great in the moment but afterwards going full 360 trying to get them to remove it and stop.

    I believe this to prove that these are conditioned responses since I realised when your watching these “beautiful girls” ( models who are dolled up to be true with fake lighting makeup etc) they could literally be doing saying anything and you’d be horny since you’re a man.

    This is why afterwards you feel bad, it’s a porn conditioned fantasy that’s connected to insecurities and trauma and exploited it.

    Your brain goes: Porn: attractive girls
    =dick hard
    >attractive girl tells you to eat cum*insert anything here
    =dick hard

    Eventually even if your not hard your brain starts to think about cum eating or *. It’s become induced.

    30 days in and I’ve had 1pmo, I did watch material 2 weeks ago but managed to talk myself out of it and yesterday had a fantasy MO.

    Keep calm and carry on in the journey of beating this thing. I will need at least 90 days of abstinence from the Fantasy.

    The thing about femdom is you can create the reward and pleasure all in your brain without looking at any material, so I have to stop it before it gets to that point.

    Acknlowedge when it comes up and flipping it to eventually destroy that neural pathway and make it fade away.

    One day at a time.

    It’s funny, after today I went back to my hostel room and there were 2 new girls, I expected them to treat me like shit for what I am after my PMO, but they didn’t.

    Even in my worse state possible they were nice and friendly, you know why?

    Because above all else in this addiction world we are all humans, we are all people we all make mistakes and no one is perfect

    As Kano said “we all carry scars and cuts were grown ups”
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2019
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  20. davidx

    davidx Fapstronaut

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    Just a few thoughts...

    First: stop spending / giving your money to these people. Instead use your money for some professional counseling.

    Second: the addiction to porn and this activity has definitely impacted your reasoning and clouded your judgement - maybe figure out a way to find an objective support group ideally an in person group so you can start making some real connections to supportive people. ... This forum is a good start. Maybe try to read up on how porn and sexual addiction actually impacts your emotional and mental health to understand it better.

    Third: I am a spiritual person and I believe in God and his ability to guide us and help us through anything. I prayed for help with my porn addiction (when I finally admitted to myself I had an addiction ) and within a week I “stumbled on” this website and I also prior to that met a person who shared their story of overcoming a decades long porn addiction with some counseling and support through a church group. (I did not solicit that information from this person we were in a group environment just guys hanging out taking and he just opened up about it, it gave me some real hope and encouragement to go down this path.) I do not go to church but used to several years ago. and I will certainly not try to tell you what to believe- but it can’t hurt to truly cry out to God for help IF you REALLY want it. Just a thought.

    Also, if you can get through a reboot period that may help rewire your brain. The truth is you CAN fight this.

    I would recommend at least some professional counseling.

    Good luck !! I am on my own journey and have plenty of issues to deal with in my own life but for the last several months I have been taking a lot of steps to get back on track with my life and each step though some are very difficult is taking me to where I ultimately want to go with my life. I truly hope you find FREEDOM instead of slavery.

    “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor it must be demanded by the oppressed”

    Keep going and don’t give up.
     
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