As a PA, how much do you share with good work friends/buddies?

It’s okay if it is okay for you. Perhaps one day you may feel the need or willing to be more open about your addiction and ongoing recovery. I have certainly let my closest friends know I am a PA, and have had some good conversations about it with them. I too haven’t let my close work buddy know about my PA, even though we normally hang out IRL or non work related activities and social gatherings. I have certainly do nd myself insinuating early on about my PA problem and forced recovery type thoughts on other coworkers as I struggled with it in the early days of recovery.

PA is a huge problem of epidemic proportions, and I think we should all be talking about it. It just doesn’t get the attention, perhaps because so many of us don’t want to admit we are addicts. The addicts still in denial, will also go out of their way to condemn us, or say we are wrong. I think the truth will set us free. Eventually.

 

My 2 closest friends I met in program, one SAA, the other CoDA. They both know all of the details. Work friends I do not tell. I'd just get blank stares. I overshared once or twice in my past, it wasn't helpful. One thing I like about the rooms is the person to person environment where we all get each other. Sharing about my disease honestly and openly belongs there. It does not belong at work. It is a boundaries thing for me. It is about privacy, not secrecy.

I'm also starting to make some close friendships in my religious community. With some of the closer friendships, we get each other on deeper levels, not because we know the details, but because we know we each have our own stuff we had to work with that humbled us. It doesn't matter what the stuff is. I tend to make close friendships with compassionate and empathetic people because that is who I attract and who I am attracted to for friendships.

So, to me, the details don't matter. We don't have to know everything about someone to know that person. We can see it in how they live their lives, how they treat other people, how they view the world, how they empathize with people they don't even know, etc.

Does this make sense?

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I want to address something else. Porn addiction is just one of many types of personal issues a person can have. Porn addicts have a special shame due to current social stigma I guess that makes us feel like our problem is so much worse than any other problem another person might have. Most porn or sex addicts have probably tried to bargain with God at some point, I know I did, "God, why did it have to be sex? Why couldn't it have been booze? AA is hip, cool, and trendy these days. That manuscript sold for $2 million dollars. Anything but sex."

But as my wife told me before she married me. "Everybody's got their sh*t, this sh*t is yours. You're owning it and dealing with it so I will marry you.".

Maybe the stigma will change over time, I don't know. But I do know I'm not in a special category of broken person just because I am a recovering sex addict.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I'll say one last thing.... I promise...

About a year ago, I shifted from making friendships based on sharing a common problem where we could relate based on that problem, to making friendships with other people who were "living in the solution" of whatever it was they were dealing with. That shifted my perspective away from my need to tell others about my problem in order to be relatable. Now, I relate with friends based on our common humanity and its positive traits, compassion, empathy, perspective taking, depth, humility, etc.

I hope this makes sense and isn't too esoteric.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Yes, good point of your wife's. Always consider the impact on other people when sharing. There is individual and family privacy and both should be considered. Not secrecy, but privacy.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

It's totally okay. You share with whomever you feel comfortable with.

Obviously you know I'm not not a PA, but I can speak for my husband to give you some input on his end since he doesn't come here much. He hasn't told any work friends at all, not even hinted (for that matter, neither have I). He has his best friend, his closest friend in the entire world - they grew up together. He hasn't even told him. It's probably the only thing he hasn't told him in his entire life, but the reason is because his best friend is fully open about porn with his wife. His wife does not like to have sex very often so they have an agreement that he is able to "supplement" with P. She likes the arrangement because it takes all the pressure off of her, although from what I understand, he would like more with her and less P. But hubby isn't worried about judgement from him, rather, he is more concerned that his friend would feel judged.

He does have a good friend and mentor, of sorts, from our church that he has shared with. They did a Bible study together, just the two of them, and now they get together for coffee when their schedules allow. He has also become good friends with his sponsor from SA, which I am very happy about, because he needed someone that he can not only share his story with, but also be able to hang with, and they have this common ground so there is a great, unspoken understanding about so many things that he doesn't have with anyone else. It's been very good for him.