Aren't you afraid she'll cheat?

Addiction is a selfish disease. It's all about the addict. It's about their pain, their discomfort, their problems, their feelings, their thoughts, their dysfunction. Addiction is an addict's way of dealing with their out of control emotions and behaviors.

Addicts build a wall around themselves which keeps others out. Inside is just them and their addiction. This brings them a false sense of comfort and control. The world can be burning down around them but don't notice or are preoccupied with nurturing their addiction.

Addict lose faith in people's ability to make them happy. People are unpredictable, irrational, stressful, and needy. PMO is exactly the opposite in the mind of the addict. The more people leave them alone the happier they may become.

Addicts may also become so ashamed of their behavior that they may believe they are no longer worthy of love and affection. They may mistakenly believe that their SO is better off with someone else. They may take on a martyr mentality where they sacrifice themselves so their SO can be happy.

This kind of twisted, delusional, irrational, distorted, selfish, and illogical thinking is part of the disease. The idea that their spouse may cheat on them or leave them does not enter the addict's mind until the SO is packed up and walking out the door.

When the addict is in the throes of temptation or a massive urge, logic does not apply. An addict does not weigh the consequences when they are presented with the opportunity to indulge. The urge grows and grows until the idea of getting relief at any cost is all that they can think about. It's all about emotional logic at that point. All they can think about is getting rid of the pain because it is unbearable. Recovering addicts need to practice 'mindfulness' where they think about these other factors and not focus on the discomfort.

If an addict starts to look at things and they enter the trance then it gets even worse because parts of their brain shut down. Higher reasoning is short-circuited. Decision making, morality, conscience, determining right and wrong, time management, and weighing consequences are turned off. They are like a skier going downhill and they are out of control. The moment they finish that part of their brain turns back on and the weight of their actions slam back into them.

This is the mental disease part of the illness. It robs them of their humanity and they act like animals with little thought to the damage they do to others. It's no wonder our SO's get fed up and leave.

 

I was super into sex with her. I just didn't realize how one-sided it was.

 

As a SO of a PMO addict I am feeling very inclined to cheat. My self esteem has been wrecked by this and I haven't had good sex for years while he has been in a perpetual dopamine blood bath looking at thousands of airbrushed fake was images that I could never compete with because I am a real woman. So Yeah, from a SO the thought is there.

 

Why not just end the relationship instead?

 

Same questions goes to the addicted SO. Why they keep a woman/men (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend) by their side, if high from P is way more than from their SO?
The tricky thing is that SO of the addict see and feel how other people react and can not understand why their addicted SO not that way. It's always a game of hope: aww, if I do this my SO would notice me, or be tender, or whatever.
So temptations are there, because you are not getting what you want, basically love. And crave for it.
I've read a lot of stories how SO start to pack to leave and thats what became a game changer, that is what bring the other half work on the changes.

 

Because I have 2 kids, am a stay at home mom, and starting over would wreck my kids. If I was not a mother, things would be very different. I also see his remorse.

 

You're totally right. It'll be perfect next time. Totally perfect.

 

You should never stay for the kids.
That's wrecking the kids.
Most women stay too long with this excuse and then the kids learn the parents disfunctions and pass it on in their own relationships.
I don't see how They Can't see THIS.
Monkey see Monkey DO.
NOT what you tell your monkeys.
Jeezaloo.
Also....
Why stay?
It's time to go.
The moment (if you have one)...
Where you want someone else, it's time to either go or work on your relationship (for real, either one)
But you can't have cake and eat it to.
Get both feet on either side of the fence.
Quit dragging.
Especially if you have kids.
Be a goddamn example.
Pick one.

Also, starting over isn't the hard part - taking the emotional abuse everyday is.

Personally? I'd leave.
But not because I'd cheat.
Because I'm nobody's doormat.

 

Yeah, something that we lost or might lose during the course of the relationships

 

I'm sorry if that was passionate, but I did go to leave.
Read my journal.
I don't mess around with it.
I've got 5 kids and my own code of ethics.
My kids are going to learn how to be happy, healthy (mentally too) and sane (if it kills me)
And at the end of the day women should all have self respect
And at the beginning, a good cup of coffee

 

Difficult, but respectable choice.

 

I think out of pain and wanting them to understand your pain and experience it themselves, it might cross your mind as an 'I'll show him!' Of sorts. It's definitely from a vengeful place where you want them to see you are attractive and worthwhile to SOMEONE. Probably to prove it to yourself too.

To be clear, I wouldn't cheat but i can see where the fantasy of it could be enticing. And while actually cheating is NEVER acceptable, with long term PA in the picture it's at least somewhat understandable. Kind of a reason vs excuse situation. But bad and sad all around.

 

That is really rude. I have given up everything to build a family with this man and I am in crisis mode. Learn compassion. Perhaps your years of PMO impacted that part of your brain too.

 

And P is all about you, which is why you need to get better.... If you did not think anything was wrong with you, you wouldn't be here trying to quit... So don't attack her for your own shortcomings.

 

Yeah you explained it perfectly

 

I asked my PA the same question and he said yes but then rationalized it with he'd deserve it. Don't know if that's an innate true response or one stemming from his femdom issues. Either way all of that has made me look at him as if he is somewhat emasculated. The porn usage makes me view him as such too. A big part of my drive to a man is manliness so to speak.....sitting there spanking your monkey into oblivion ....not sexy and not worth me giving consideration to when by the very mode of addiction the PA has flung open the door to make other men a hell of a lot more attractive. And yet at the same time I also find myself questioning every guy out there and what lurks below.

 

@WankMaster obviously you haven't read the rules for posting in the 'Rebooting in a Relationship' folder. Notice what #1 says, "1. Absolutely no suggestions that partners of addicts are at fault for their partner's porn addiction for not being attractive enough. Let's build people up, not tear them down when they are especially emotionally vulnerable. Partners of addicts are very likely to be in vulnerable place when they first post. Their self-esteem is likely to already have taken a huge hit, and the last thing they need to hear is somebody telling them that it's their fault, and they need to change themselves in order to attract their addicted partners. Porn addiction is never the unaddicted-partner's fault! It is the result of brain changes and mechanisms like the Coolidge Effect that drive addicts to constantly seek out more, and more novel, porn. A porn addict can never be satisfied with just one partner, no matter how attractive that partner is or makes themselves to be.

If you come across an example of such advice, please report it to the moderation team and we will take care of it."

Victim blaming will not be tolerated here. Consider your posts reported.