A realization of how few Friends I have

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Carbon6, Mar 16, 2019.

  1. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    This Friday was horrible, to begin for this week I set the goal of no video games period as an attempt to get me to diversify my hobbies. However I've always used video games as my destressor. So when I got home from work and I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I started hitting up friends, the whole 3 I have in town. All 3 we're busy or sick, and to be truthful I haven't seen any of them in two weeks. They rarely ever invite me to anything, and I often feel outcasted.

    So I've been trying to make new friends, however it makes me painfully aware that I don't know how to make friends outside of a school setting. Even then it's difficult. So I've been going to coffee shops to chill and feel less alone, looking for people that might be interested in talking with a stranger. They're few and far between, and every time I talk myself out of going up to them for fear of social embarrassment.

    So how do you guys make new friends?
     
  2. IDabbleInPoetry

    IDabbleInPoetry Fapstronaut

    54
    50
    18
    Hey mate,

    I used to cry a shit tonne in primary school and have had a fear that my friends don't like me since, so I sorta know what your going through.

    First of all, how often do you expose yourself to strangers? do you meet lots of people through work or anything like that?

    I am sort of having the same problem tbh. I am fortunate to have 1 best friend but I don't really have anyone else. I am planning on joining a club related to some of my hobbies. I recently reduced my gaming time too so no LoL club for me :( But I hope to make some plans with the people I meet so I can hopefully make some new friends. Maybe you should try and join a club or something similer. Learn a new sport(people that rock climb are super friendly, and rock climbing itself is really challenging) and maybe you will find someone willing to teach you, or someone else that is new and you can learn together. I would say just be open that you are wherever you are alone, and you would like some help, pick someone and befriend them :)

    Idk if coffee shops are the best place, not a bad place to start but it really isnt the ideal place to make friends, definitely some better environments out there for that. Hope this helps. Also don't take for granted the friends that you have. You are lucky to have 3 friends, and a saying I am used to hearing is that you are lucky if you have more than 2 true friends in a life time :)
     
    CH3RRY likes this.
  3. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    438
    1,404
    123
    I can make new friends, but I just need a new environment. That's why I want to go study abroad. A whole new place where I don't know anyone sounds ideal. Problem here in my city is that I don't really know anyone anymore, and it's too late to get to know anyone, in a way. That's why I want a new start. I wasn't doing good when I moved to my new school a few years ago, so I didn't really make a lot of new friends. But now things are different, I sometimes even wish I could start at my school from year 1 again.
     
  4. Dr Kool-Aid

    Dr Kool-Aid Fapstronaut

    82
    442
    53
    I like your name it makes sense carbon is number 6 on the periodic table
     
    Chickennn and Carbon6 like this.
  5. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    The problem with myself is I really don't have any hobbies, I've always just video gamed or researched something I was interested in in my spare time(for example I learned how to lockpick, researched some engineering stuff, and a few cultural things). As such my goal of quitting video games for an entire week was meant to force me to find something to do.

    I find myself going to coffee shops or the public library about twice a week, ontop of that I'm currently in college so I try to talk to people in my classes. Everyone just seems so absorbed in their phones or laptops to ever want to talk, except the people in my java programming ironically. At my work everyone is out of my age range, I'm 19 and all of them are mid 30s to 40s area.

    Even so with quitting hobbies, I live in a town of ~100k people, and the only real thing to do here in town is Bowl or go to the Casino(Literally at least one every block). There's a few hiking trails but they're about 40-50 miles out and with the icy roads can't exactly go out there. I tried looking on meetup to see what there is, but its just a bunch of religious groups and a nudist group.

    I definitely feel that, I feel like I need to move to a bigger area, but at the same time I like the open space around here that allows me to go for a calming drive without any hassle. It'd be great to go through high school again, PMO free this time, and honestly makes me wonder what my life would be like now if I hadn't(better social group). I always let people push me around because I didn't care, but in reality I feel it was more I was just too numb to care.
     
    justafriend, PornFreeMe and CH3RRY like this.
  6. IDabbleInPoetry

    IDabbleInPoetry Fapstronaut

    54
    50
    18
    I have started Uni recently and I find most people can be quite friendly. I get frustrated with how much our society uses their phones now days but you might find that most people won't mind a conversation once you sit down next to them before a lecture and say hello. You should have plenty to talk about because of the classes and if you think of some topic starters prior you will be fine :) Just rinse and repeat this until you find someone you like. Maybe use this as a topic starter once the convo is flowing "I have been looking for some new hobbies, what sort of stuff are you into?"
     
    justafriend, Carbon6 and CH3RRY like this.
  7. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    Update: I came to a realization yesterday. I'm not entirely sure why yet, but I have become accustomed to rejection and as such reject myself. Yesterday I was walking out of the gym and was making small talk with this woman who was leaving at the same time, she seemed really friendly and like she was open to have a conversation. Without thinking I just said, "Well, you have a good rest of your day!". I didn't even consciously realize what I had done until I hopped in the car.

    What upsets me the most, is today I did the exact same thing, even though I'm now consciously aware. Which makes me think perhaps it's a more a fear of humiliation as it was with someone I see (fairly) regularly at college. Trying to think of some ways to make me less afraid of humiliation other than completely humiliating myself.
     
    Pity, Capt. U, alfianlight and 3 others like this.
  8. PornFreeMe

    PornFreeMe Fapstronaut

    330
    546
    93
    @Carbon6

    Your posts are deeply introspective. You have so much insight, its awesome.

    I was shy and reserved, afraid of being rejected. Ive made many new friends in college recently despite a relatively large age gap. If you try to engage in conversation and they look at you like youre strange or bizarre, dont fret!

    Theyre the weirdos, not you. They are shocked and temporarily jostled from their own little mundane thoughts. Youve brought them back to reality. You have forced them to uncomfortably interact with another individual, which seems so difficult in our tech-heavy society. Keep trying, class talk is the best entry or segway.

    Small observations, casual banter, a few weeks, maybe even a beer. Keep trying. Its not that they might not want to hang with you, its that they simply dont want to do anything at all.

    People who think you and I are weird for talking to them are the true weirdos. The ones that seem the most surprised when you start are the ones that probably need it the most. Even a small, unacknowledged comment directed to them will register inside them and make you one step closer to being comfortable.

    Never think youre weird for trying. Thats the most normal thing I can think of. As an observation, if your chat is genuine, women seem more receptive to friendly chat than dudes initially. No gimmicks, no pick up lines, no sex hunger. Just genuine chat. With dudes, in my experience, you gotta punch thru a wall or two, but after that theyre mostly soft meat too.
     
  9. Davinblake

    Davinblake Fapstronaut

    75
    82
    18
    Stupid dude's post here, I am not any expert in here but will throw some stuff on the ground

    Friendshit itself is a big deal, finding even 1 or 2 good friends with which you can manage to pull of interesting conversations and not only the ones you would normally do is extremely good. If you get scared of judgment from others finding a frienship will be harshly difficult. Same goes for conversation arguments, if you don't like talking about girls then do not try to talk about girls, people will talk with you of the stuff they believe you like. Just be yourself, and remember that a good frienship will need attentions, I don't have to tell you what it needs because you will be the one that wants to do the right things if you get it right, like going out even in two just to talk costantly or regaining interest if you don't meet for a long time.
     
    Pity, justafriend and CH3RRY like this.
  10. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    I really like all the ideas posted in this thread and encourage you to do those and keep doing those. Over and over. Make it a natural habit, a way of life. Then watch. It just happens. Think of it as panning for gold. You gotta sift through the rubble to find the gold. Just keep sifting. “There’s gold in them thar hills” and all that.

    I make friends very easily. I have moved a lot, so I think this has something to do with it. I’m an introvert, so people drain me, but I like them and I’m not shy. And that in a nutshell is my problem. Everyone has something. Haha.

    I’d also recommend a book group...start one on Meetup if you don’t already have one. First thing I do when I move is look for new book buddies. If there is no existing group for me to join, I make one.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  11. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    You did fine!! Just keep doing exactly that — going to the gym and chitchatting with whomever with no pressure or expectation of closing any deal!! This is how friendships happen, at whatever pace... Sometimes you click instantly...sometimes you see each other lots and tiny exchanges build into longer exchanges or whatever. Try not to think of the ultimate goal of “new best friends,” and just relax and go with it, no pressure... exactly as you did!
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
    Kman20 likes this.
  12. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    That's a good way to think of it, because I recall people talking to me in classes in highschool, and I was always incredibly uncomfortable until eventually it had become a regular thing. I was also afraid of meeting new people then, and I'm not entirely sure why, I'd always found people interesting and often caught myself 'peoplewatching'(I hate that word, sounds almost like you're a peeping tom). I guess I've always liked to see and understand how people became the way they are, and by watching you can learn certain behaviors.

    I don't think that's necessarily a problem, I'm the same way in that aspect. I'm an introvert but I love being around people, even when I'm completely worn out and a little frazzled in the head I can just sit there and be alone in my head. Having them nearby while zoned out is still quite enjoyable, though I suppose to them it might come off as rude.

    As far as a book club, I'm personally not much of a reader, never have been, though I've been considering picking up a few books, I just don't have the time right now. Perhaps this summer I could join a book club, but I'd rather not start one myself, that's a bit over my head!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Had a positive social interaction with a girl in my history class today, I had learned she was a biology major from some short conversation awhile back. Earlier today I was watching some stuff on machine learning and how a common theory utilizes Darwinian fitness. So I was curious what her thoughts on Darwin were as a biology major. I was considering to myself that that would be a really weird subject to ask, but convinced myself that the only way to learn was by risking humiliation. She agreed with Darwin's theory; We eventually got talking about the mutation side of it and learned a bit. Overall I enjoyed the conversation, and got to officially meet her.

    Progress!
     
    Kman20, CH3RRY and justafriend like this.
  13. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    I love this!!! Way to go!!!
     
    Kman20, Pity, Carbon6 and 1 other person like this.
  14. hardmodehero

    hardmodehero Fapstronaut

    5
    4
    3
    Try to strengthen the few bonds you have, having a lot of friends doesn't solve the problem
     
    VeganRights likes this.
  15. kruznick

    kruznick Fapstronaut

    53
    119
    33
    First thing though, I feel you need to break away from this fear of social embarrassment. Please understand that none of us are so unique that we have anything important to lose via embarrassment. All of us are more of less the same and we all do the same stupid shit. I would like to mention that being comfortable with yourself is one of the key components here. People will always prefer to flock to someone whose truly confident and comfortable with themselves. You're initiative to go out alone to coffee shops and chill is an excellent way to address that social embarrassment issue. Also find more stuff that you enjoy doing. I too relied on video games for a massive portion of my life as stress reliever and as a way to spend most of my free time, now however I've shifted from it (except this month, I will be playing Sekiro) to learning and reading. I took up a Masters course that occupies most of my free time and any remainder I spend exercising or studying a hobby subject (something that I'm curious about e.g. philosophy or self-development).

    Friends are essential and I had quite a few but with regards to where I am now, I feel like my time is better spent on the aforementioned activities. Your opinion will obviously differ to mine, and by no means am I encouraging you to follow in my footsteps. I am merely asking you to not be too hard on yourself, with regards to having a small social circle, and also to look at this alone time as a gift that helps you move unburdened towards what you want.
     
    CH3RRY and justafriend like this.
  16. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    Small update: Been working on small chit chats with others such as someone who is to become my professor, talked a bit about machine learning with him, as well as some political stuff. It was very difficult, and I felt very insecure for not knowing a lot of stuff with the politics(I need to catch myself up on that), and I don't feel like it went well, however excited to have him as a prof in the fall!
     
    Kman20 and justafriend like this.
  17. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    That's the main thing I am working on in my life, embarrassment however is a natural human 'emotion'? feeling. What I'm afraid of isn't so much the fear of the embarassment, but the stuff that follows suit. I'm afraid so and so will think this because of this leading to an inabilty to become friends.

    Glad you've been studying! It is indeed a great use of time, I find it very hard to learn without lectures or hands on myself. Lectures is how most of my schooling was taught to me, and I've always been a hands on learner, I can't visualize words into objects in my head, it just doesn't work. I have to actually see it to understand it. So more power to you!

    However this summer I will be looking into woodworking and carpentry again. I also need to fix up the old engine out of my car so I can sell that and get it out of here(Been awhile since I've worked on that...). I'm not sure what else to take up, but hope i can find some hobbies by taking more time away from video games as I have been doing recently.
     
    kruznick and justafriend like this.
  18. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Do you get The Daily Skimm? It’s a Monday-Friday free daily one-page email on current events, written in accessible (read: hip) language. You can sign up here:
    https://www.theskimm.com

    Kudos for tackling an anxiety-provoking situation head on! Jordan Peterson (love him) says if you continue to do this (practice, practice, practice!), it’s not necessarily that the anxiety decreases but YOU get braver, therefore such situations get easier.

     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2019
  19. kruznick

    kruznick Fapstronaut

    53
    119
    33
    Damn! I feel like you've got some great skills there. I would love to be able to get into carpentry. I think you've got everything you need so far!
     
    justafriend likes this.
  20. Carbon6

    Carbon6 Fapstronaut

    Tonight is rough, I feel like I'm pushing myself too hard with my studies, and it's starting to take its toll. I began feeling incredibly depressed, so I hit up two of my friends. One of which(Friend A) said they couldn't hang because of schoolwork, reasonable. I then messaged Friend B, who turns out is going to hangout with Friend A. I said nothing about it to them, leaves me feeling horribly disincluded.

    So I decided to message my online friend to see if they want to play some video games, they read it, but never respond. I then message again 30-45 minutes later, thinking they were just busy in the moment and forgot to reply. Read, no response. Atleast give me a fucking no.

    This is an example of my current social life. And making new friends is hard.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
    kruznick likes this.

Share This Page