Just a Friend

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by justafriend, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    I’ve decided to make myself a journal because I’m really having a hard time, and there’s no support group for “friend of porn addict,” so I hope this is okay.

    After opening up to me about his porn addiction, my friend has now clammed up. Barely talks to me. We are on opposite coasts, and we used to text pretty much all day every day. Now, next to nothing.

    It’s not a romantic relationship — never has been, never will be — so I don’t have any of the betrayal feelings common to girlfriends and spouses. It just feels like I’ve lost one of my best friends. Even if it’s not forever, it sucks.

    I’ve been educating myself on withdrawal, so in addition to what he told me, I have some idea of what he’s going through, like brain fog, mood swings, loss of appetite, intense dreams, fighting cravings, managing triggers, maybe flatlining at this point, fatigue, lack of motivation.

    I keep telling myself to just give him time and space. He knows I’m here, knows he has my full support, no judgment. He doesn’t want me to act like his mother, doesn’t want to check in, doesn’t want to talk about it because then he’ll be thinking about it, which is the hardest part he says. I tell myself, yeah as much as you miss him, and maybe even the dopamine of constant texts, imagine how much he misses porn.

    So I gather it’s best for me to adapt my life/routine without him while he attempts to do the same without porn.

    Intellectually, I get all of this.

    IT JUST SUCKS.
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  2. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    True that!
     
    Carbon6, justafriend and Kenzi like this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'd say my only advice is listen, don't judge
    And keep on keeping on
    Good luck
    -Kenzi
     
    justafriend likes this.
  4. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    You are a very gentle and caring soul to do this, all friends I had that I tried talking to about this went away. But I will tell you some things from the addict's perspective: self-loathing is a big thing. And confessing to you, it's like stretching something. Once you stop, it snaps back and there's a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions. Your friend trusts you, and cares about you, to bring himself to tell you. And it's probably eating him inside, the fear that he lost you. My advice, don't push, but let your friend known that you care, and that you offer suppory. Be patient. I hope things will turn out okay :)
    And prepare for an emotional roller coaster :D Good luck to you two
     
    goodnice 2.0 and justafriend like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I would not text THAT much
    Personally he may think that you are interested and then if he finds out you aren't, may feel rejected and you could lose a friend
     
    justafriend likes this.
  6. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Bless you all for your replies. I am reading and digesting. I cannot thank you enough for your time and thought. I am feeling like such a narcissistic loser/martyr for making any of this about me, but I’m having so much trouble coping with the drastic and sudden change in our relationship...I seem to have come untethered. Your kindness and dialogue mean the world to me.
     
    Solomon435 likes this.
  7. RollerCoaster

    RollerCoaster Fapstronaut

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    Sex addiction is not the same thing like sex addiction!
     
  8. bobross

    bobross Fapstronaut

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    It just occured to me, you two may not be a couple, but I think you might find some useful knowledge in the Significant Other journals, there are many people there, trying to support their addicted spouses. I think many things discussed there apply to relationships in general, not necessarily marriage and stuff. Just a thought
     
    justafriend likes this.
  9. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Update:

    I’ve made a handful of nice new friends here, a silver lining, and that’s helping me a lot. I, in turn, hope to lend support where I can. As I wrote in another thread:

    “Yep, consider me a goodwill ambassador to Mars from Venus. Haha. Seriously, it’s my coping mechanism for dealing with the heartbreak and helplessness of my recovering friend ghosting me. Learn as much as I can about what he’s likely experiencing and try to support those like him. Keeps me from crying in my Cheerios over stuff that’s out of my control.”

    I have really appreciated everyone’s advice and perspective. This is a very thoughtful community here, and I respect and admire the dedication to self-improvement, something I value tremendously.

    With the exception of a lingering sadness I can’t entirely shake that hangs over my head like one big raincloud on an otherwise sunny day, everything *else* in my life is going swimmingly well — health, family, love life, all of Maslow’s hierarchy, etc. So, I have a reservoir from which to draw strength, but damn, heartache/grief is draining.
     
  10. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    I should also add a broad sketch of my friend...

    Facts: Male. 20 years old. Realized porn addiction two years ago. Has attempted quitting many times. Attractive, shy with females unless established friends, avoidant attachment style, handful of close male friends from high school (most away at college now). Four previous sexual partners, including one serious girlfriend and one current (long-distance until summer) not so serious.

    Assumptions:
    My best guess on his rebooting this year: 3 weeks no PMO; potential relapse at some point during next 4 weeks; currently around 2 weeks no PMO.

    He probably regrets confiding in me; I might even be a trigger now, the fact I know and have the potential to broach a subject he wants to avoid. He’s socially isolating himself, but he does go to the gym six days/week, so at least there is that. For now, I’m choosing to believe his reticence is porn-related and not some other reason.

    I send positive, light, encouraging or humorous texts 1-2 times each week, and I write letters also 1-2 times each week, similar to those one would send a soldier overseas... encouragement with no expectation of reply.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2019
  11. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    You’re a good friend. He will swallow his pride eventually, but it stings after a relapse. Perhaps in another couple weeks, ask him what day he is on lol
     
    Mr. Tumnus and justafriend like this.
  12. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Update:

    He’s texting with me again.

    I’m taking it very very slowly.

    I don’t wish to elaborate on this, but I just want to note that this community here has made me that much more grateful for the blessings in my life (especially my love life), and that much more cognizant of the struggles of others.

    Much respect and empathy.
     
  13. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    Sounds like a cool guy. What do you base your assumptions on? What do you even want to achieve by pursuing him so much?
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  14. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Flox, you always ask good questions. :) Assumptions are based on certain clues. What do I want to achieve? Short superficial answer: I want things to go back to the way they were between us...I want him to share his life stories with me again...I want to put the genie back in the bottle. Haha. Longer answer involves trust and attachment and self-esteem. I want him to know he’s worthy of love, that there are people in this world (me + others like me, yes even females, gasp!) capable of seeing and valuing his integrity and strength of character — not only in his numerous attributes but in his commitment to battling his demons. I want him to know there are trustworthy people (with no hidden agendas or ulterior motives) and relationships worth the effort of working through whatever rough patches. And of course, I want him to see ME as someone worth a place in his life/heart because I obviously feel that way about him. But, I am very very good at this love/relationship stuff. Him, not so much. Again, I’m a scrappy puppy, and he is an aloof cat. Haha. :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  15. moominfindinglight

    moominfindinglight Fapstronaut

    You are the friend we all wish to have had, it’s amazing that you’re taking the time to actually educate yourself on this addiction in order to help your friend, more power to you!
     
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  16. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    That's sweet. Do you feel like writing in detail what you did, what worked, what not, what have you learned? I'd like to learn thing or two ;)

    Edit: If you decide to help me, please assume I'm retarded. Don't use generalizations like "Assumptions are based on certain clues."
     
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2019
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  17. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

    Aw, Flox... I’m trying to be a fly-on-the-wall not a gadfly. ;)

    I will post some links to good articles...
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  18. flox

    flox Fapstronaut

    No, don't do that. I want words directly from you. Well if you're up to it of course.
     
    goodnice 2.0 likes this.
  19. justafriend

    justafriend Fapstronaut

  20. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    Bruhhh hook me up with them relationship advice!! I want the words directly from you too
     

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