4 days after admitting addiction and recovering relationship (10 years together)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by throwaway876123, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    Me years ago: There is nothing wrong with porn. Even I have sometimes watched it… If someone needs to be jealous to pixel tits, well then their self esteem must be quite low.

    Me now: Porn is harmful and it almost destroyed me, my relationship, family and my self esteem. Well almost, because my husband four days ago told me that he might be porn addict, and after reading this https://www.nofap.com/porn-addiction/ (from his own initiation), he told that it was almost like reading text from his own life. And I really hope he was genuinely devastated and ashamed of himself.


    This is our story and step one to start to recover, the story from the wife of the porn addict:

    We had quite a nice sex life with my husband. I really enjoyed it and I think that even my husband did. At least sometimes… The beginning was awesome and we could not keep our hands off each other. I knew that he had broken up with his ex girlfriend about a year ago and during that time alone, he had used a lot of porn. Well no problem, now he had me, even though he was not ready to give up porn and wanking because it was “normal”... And I kind of accepted it.


    Almost 10 happy years and 3 kids later…


    We both had gained a couple of extra pounds, beautiful home, both have careers and we were quite happy with this life. I think both of us look quite attractive and we had even sex quite often. That means on average several times in a week. Maybe sometimes when I had periods, we might had 1 week break from sex. Maybe longest period without sex at all was couple of weeks.


    My husband had been more active in initiating sex in the beginning of our relationship, until our second child was born. Our middle child is now 5 years old. After that we were making initiation to sex both quite equally, at least I felt so. Maybe after I got pregnant with my 3rd child, I was making most of the initiation for sex. I wanted my husband quite badly, but I somehow felt that he was not so into me anymore. I kind of accused my self of the situation. I had stretch marks on my stomach, those extra pounds, and not so firm tits after they had been used to breastfeed our kids.


    Well the problem might not have been me… At least it is starting to brighten up to me that maybe I was not so disgusting, that my husband could not have hard dick with me. He was preferring to watch porn and wank while I was having a girls night out, even though he knew I would come home a little drunk and want him like crazy. After I came home he just told me that I am already done, so let's get to sleep, it is quite late. I knew he had wanked, and well, in my head that was because I was not so desirable anymore.


    Couple of weeks ago my husband bought us fitbits and forced me to face the scale which was kind of the measure of my human value to me. I cried that "ok, I understand that you hate my body so much that you want me to move and not to eat." I have had some sort of eating disorder earlier in my life and this was my kind of kick to find reason to torture my body, not to eat and move like crazy to get rid of every fat layer of my body. He tried to convince me that no, he does not hate my body, he just wanted to have a new “toy” for himself and maybe we could try together go for a walk to have that 10.000 steps which is some kind of guideline for healthy moving. Well, that 10.000 is not enough for me anymore. I have to walk and run much more to be in fit shape as soon as possible… So maybe someday someone would want me, or would I ever be good enough for anyone?


    My husband was determined to avoid conflict, so he tried to take that fitbit off my wrist. He said that he hated it because I said that he didn't want me because I felt fat or disgusting. Days passed and he tried to come closer to me. I was just moving and eating as little as possible, just to survive from day to day and totally turned him down. He tried to say 1000 times that he doesn't hate my body, he loves me and he even wants me. This was going on a week. Then I asked that why you have started to reject me or why you have been quite often lately “away” and kind of forced himself to our sexual interactions. He did not have an answer to that. Finally I told him that I do not have any other answer to his reluctance than me being so disgusting and ugly, that he could not want my body anymore.


    This was the point he brought up that the problem might be wanking and porn and there is nothing wrong with me. I think he did not see any other option to get out of the situation and he was maybe even afraid that I would leave him or get crazy, because this was not going away. Somehow I was relieved, incredulous, disgusted about his actions and starting to understand how much the porn and wanking had taken away from me.


    On average the wanking and watching porn was daily. He used every option he stayed home alone to watch it. He was even waiting for it. When I went out with girls, he said that he got horny because he was thinking how horny I would be when I get home, but he wanked and watched porn because it was straight away available and I would be home a couple of hours “late” after his needs. So he wanked, and my need… well, that was my problem.


    Now I even think that the porn and wanking was cheating on me, because I could not have the pleasure of intimacy and being wanted and touched because my husband had his visual stimulation elsewhere what he needed and wanted. He is a very visual person and he had his need and satisfaction from porn and his own touching. He still could never let me have my pleasure of being touched and next to another warm body and feel a hard cock inside me, even though he has had his pleasure from porn, and rejected me. I think we could have same level of satisfaction of sex if he watches porn and touches himself the way no one ever can, and I would have some one other inside me and close to my body. Some stranger, that I do not need to know the name or to see ever again.


    I feel that I have been betrayed. I do not know my best friend, my companion, love of my life. I do not trust him. He has been doing this for such a long time that I started to see myself as a piece of shit, worthy of nothing. 10 years have been wiped away and we need to start to build a foundation of trust from the beginning… And I really need to start to value myself again.


    He has now committed to have that 90 day reboot. That was his own suggestion and he found all the information by himself. He has blocked all K18 material from his phone and computer… Still I have doubts. I know he would be capable to watch porn and wank and hide his trace. He told that he will go through that total no porn, no masturbation, no orgasm-reboot. At least as long as I am not ready to be touched by him. His touch really disgusts me at the moment. How he could have done this to me?


    In addition to the reboot he swore off porn for good. He agrees that the porn industry is harmful and he recognizes things that have been harmful to himself not only to me.


    I still love him. I really do. He is the greatest dad to our kids that I could ever hope for. We really have had fun and love and respect. But I am afraid to get my walls down and start to trust again. I am financially independent, so I do not need him, but I really really want my companion back. I just do not know how… yet… But I feel hopeful, even though I am quite broken now... This is in the evening 4 after he recognized and admitted that he is porn addict. Hopefully future won't be full of disappointments.


    Is there anyone who has been able to recover their relationship to a healthy state again? I would really like to know that there is hope...
     
    Jake n Bake likes this.
  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    He was honest with you. It seems to be easier to recover from this relationship cancer if the man admits and take responsibility. From what I've read on here, it seems to be quite typical with a few set backs in the beginning, but your husband seems quite committed to do the work. I wish you both a speedy recovery from this nasty, evil, soul killing plague.
     
    throwaway876123 and hope4healing like this.
  3. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Wow. That sounds really rough. You shouldn't have to have that kind of conversation, or carry that kind of burden. For what it's worth (speaking as a recovering addict) it's a good thing that he has identified the problem, told you about it without you having to catch him red handed, and started to look for help.

    The key thing here is that he has to want to get better, it's easy to want to want to (if that makes sense) but harder to really want it for yourself. It sounds like he has begun to see the consequences of his habit, and that means he's in a place where he has an opportunity to make a difference. It's also much much easier to do this as part of a community. If he hasn't already, I'd really recommend getting him to set up a journal thread on here, it helps him to see how far he's come and if there's any patterns or triggers that make it harder for him to stay in control. It also helps to keep him accountable to the community, and there's plenty of people on here who will cheer him on, help with advice and strategies etc.

    Hope this helps (if not, just ignore me) I'm really sorry that you're stuck with this painful situation.
     
    throwaway876123 and Faceplanter like this.
  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    It can be tough when this problem and the consequences really hit home. It's a good sign he's done the research, its a good sign he's doing the reboot, it's a good sign he's told you about the problem, and it's good that you are here. Everyone's reboot is different, and some men do have a period of low to no libido during and even after the reboot 90 days. Others (I was more in this camp) start really noticing their spouse in a sexual way, even if they can't "do" anything about it because of the reboot. Heck, that actually can take the pressure off because the guy often doesn't really know where the spouse is at emotionally so soon after Dday (discovery day, disclosure day, one of the shortcut terms on here). But, one way or the other, you should notice a difference and that will help rebuild the trust. The accountability software will help too, but the honesty of the ups and downs of his recovery is the best trust builder.

    And, the answer is yes, your relationship can recover...there are examples of that in these pages, although not every story has a happy ending to be sure.
     
    throwaway876123 likes this.
  5. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply, I honestly have no other place to tell about this at the moment. I really needed your thoughts because my own are so mixed still.

    Yesterday we talked with my husband after posting this. I think he really understands me and I decided to give a try for him to touch me. Just hug because we were crying quite a lot. We were crying like 30 minutes hugging each other and his touch felt so good, even I was quite afraid of my reaction. We had not touched each other for two weeks and I really did not know how I would feel... Fortunately it felt nice, warm, safe and loving. Everything I had missed so badly.

    After we had calmed down a bit I just stayed next to him and we continued our talking. I think I have never felt that he speaks so openly to me. Not just to avoid conflict, he really tried to understand my pain and lack of trusting. He told me how happy and relieved he was, when I allowed him to touch me again and how much he had missed it and he really want that it feels good for me too. After talking and listening and talking (that lasted maybe hours), I just smoothly touched his cheek and kissed him and it really felt better than anything could have felt.

    Well... one thing lead to another and relapse with orgasm was done... And that is my fault. Yeah, I kind of wanted it so badly, that he would have wanted me as he did just at that moment. That had not happened in years. And this leads me to think that how easily this relapse was done, and could this same happen with porn and masturbation. He told, that he had read from other couples in this situation, and told that all do not do this reboot avoiding orgasm, which is caused by actual sex with other person, not with the screen and hand. I read those posts also, but I am still afraid that this kind of weakens the effect of this reboot. Well, I know that this reboot is very personal experience and everybody needs to define their limits, but I am afraid this was way too soon and fast after he started this.
     
  6. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Reboots with sex can be more difficult, but remember that your needs count too. The options are hard mode (no O, for him anyways, sometimes Is for you are worked in), regular mode (O with you), sometimes P only mode (masturbating ok).

    Or, do a shorter time of full hard mode reboot (no Is for anyone) and then resume sex between you. I found that the first 45 days I learned the most, the other 45 was more about just proving to myself I could do the whole 90.

    Honestly is the key. Be honest about what will work for you, and have him do the same and you'll figure this out. Also, be familiar with the "chaser effect".
     
  7. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you telling this "chaser effect". I will ask my husband to read about it more, and how does he feel about it.
     
    Bombadil likes this.
  8. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    I second @Faceplanter the chaser effect is a really big problem. It's not a rational thing at all, it's just that everything is suddenly nearer the surface.

    IMO, it might be better for both of you if he just sticks to a no porn, no masturbation strategy and reserves anything sexual for you. It can be harder (you can't just switch it off, and the chaser effect is a deal) but there is a fairly healthy debate on here whether that's true. Personally, I think, for me, it's been easier, but it might take me longer to make the same progress that I would on hard mode (they call it hard mode for a reason!)

    Ultimately, it's a joint decision, and you need to do what's best for you as a couple. Overwriting the pathways in his brain is going to take a while, and anything that you can do to strengthen your relationship and move away from the past is a really good thing.

    Hope this helps!
     
  9. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    Although we are not married I am going through a similar situation with my girlfriend at the moment. We have decided on no porn, masturbation or orgasm for 3 months and then after that I am only going to orgasm when its with her.

    If he would agree to something similar he will prob make more progress. Try and find ways of being intimate that do not involve his penis. Things like shoulder massages, foot rubs, kissing/cuddling ect. Of course if he wants to give you pleasure then there are ways of doing that without using his private parts. Try and put the focus on rebuilding your emotional connection. Yes 3 months will feel like a long time. But if you spend 3 months rebuilding your intimacy and emotional connection with him, then imagine how amazing your marriage will be after 90 days.

    Good luck
     
    Huskerjim likes this.
  10. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Your story is sad, but hopeful.
    I am also on the part of high libido and more than two/3 weeks without sex didn't happen in our 5 year relationship (except after birth). And we do it just with sex and it's already 3-4 months. Through the flatline was harsh for me, because he didn't have any interest for weeks. Now we're back but happens something that didn't before - he feels depressed after sex. Before he used to be depressed after porn and it was actually the first sign I realized that something is not good with his porn use.
    Be prepared for few relapses. And I think it's important to let him have relapse, not to take control over. My man did it pretty often staying up late and I am now always nervous when he doesn't go to sleep as I am. He gives me his tablet every evening away and I asked why not mobile. And he said he didn't use it for that. Two weeks later he admitted he relapsed. The same story with pc. he gave me his tablet and sometimes mobile depending on how he feels. When it's bad, also computer mouse. But I think those two relapses where important lessons for him. It's important that he is open about it and also that he does this on himself and you are not controling mommy.
    We have difficult time finding our way back but it moves forward. Apparently he masked also his depression with it, so it goes out now.
    It's bumpy ride, but I have hope that some day it will be over, hopefully before second child.
     
  11. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you are going through this. He was honest with you, recognized his issue and seems to want to fix it. IMO him coming to you and being honest makes recovery more hopeful.

    Why do you think it's important to let him have a relapse? I think every SO believes their PA SO will p/mo again for obvious reasons, however I don't see how that's acceptable in any way.
    I'm not trying to be combative, I'm trying to understand why you think that way.
     
  12. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    It's heartbreaking to read about how many women go through this and how many relationships, and genuine human connection in general, is torn apart by porn. It's a disgusting symptom of a sick culture. :(
    Sounds like your SO is on the right path, but I would warn that he is likely suffering from a lifelong addiction. Porn use of this nature isn't about sex as much as it's about numbing emotions. He has been using porn for many years to deal with life's regular stressers like family, work, boredom etc, Truely healing from this addiction is not just about abstaining from doing that anymore, but finding ways to cope ad process those stressers without his crutch. This website alone may not be enough to help him change a lifetime of habit and stuffed emotion.
    I feel my SO and I were in a similar position a few years ago. He recognized the addiction and wanted better for himself. He was committed for awhile and we did heal alot of the damage and nurture and heal our connection. But time passed and slowly he slipped back into old ways. Life is so busy and when things happen in little increments it's hard to pin point exactly when things shift. But in the last while I felt some red flags happening. The connection was missing, we fell out of sync with our intimacy and sex, he seemed distant and less loving. I had buried my head and hoped that the pain and torment that I expressed after the first D DAY, (the fact that like you, his P use had hurt me to my core and almost destroyed me), would be enough to stop him from ever allowing it to come between us again. But slowly he had made allowances and excuses, M is a slippery, slippery slope for an PA!!!! And he allowed porn to creep back into our lives and to begin to tear him away from me and our kids again.
    So here we are again a few years later, doing this all again. This time he is aware that abstaining and NoFap is not enough. He is in a 12 step program and is going to see a CSAT. He is realizing that M will ALWAYS be a gateway back to P and that as an PA he can never have a "normal" or "healthy" relationship with M. He used M and fantasy since his teen years to escape his feelings. I am angry that we are still dealing with this in our relationship, but I am hopeful that with the right tools we have a fighting chance to stay together. My biggest advice to you is make sure you are seeing ACTIVE recovery in 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, 5 years. This problem is not going to go away with faith and love.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2019 at 10:48 PM
  13. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    also you should check out the SO private forum. Reading other SO's journals and having a more safe and private space to talk can be really healing :)
     
  14. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Some PAs, probably a majority, are going to relapse....it's well documented here. So, how the relapse is handled by both the PA and So is important. Hopefully the PA having learned something and telling the SO about the relapse and the SO giving the PA the grace to get back up again.

    It's not what anyone's wants, but it's better to be prepared.
     
  15. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    You sound very committed to your goal and it sounds great! How long have you been now without PMO?
     
  16. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    I am only about a week now (yes my counter is wrong).
    I am extremly committed though and had to make some sacrifices to keep the relationship alive. However, even after a week ive noticed that im connecting with my partner a bit more which is great. She is working with me on this so while im the one with the problem it does feel like teamwork. Weve got a few measures in place to both help me and help her feel secure and comfortable with the fact I am making real changes and not just talking.
     
    throwaway876123 likes this.
  17. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation too. And I totally agree that he should be responsible for his actions and I can not watch over his shoulder all the time what he is doing. Honestly, I do not know what I would do if he would relapse with P and M now. I try to think that openness and honesty are now the priority 1, and if he would come and tell me that he would have relapsed, I think that my reaction would be much better, that if I caught him with his phone in the other hand and dick in the other...
     
  18. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree with you!

    I know that this is life long addiction and he said by himself, that he wants to get rid of it totally. At least for now, he has changed the way we are even having sex, because he told that he do not want that it reminds his of some porn movie. He wants to rebuild his attitude totally towards the sex and really wants to build his own sex life and have sex, that feels good on the situation. Not the way, he has seen on the screen.

    I am so so so sorry to hear that you had to go to that path again because of his decisions... I really hope that you find long term solution for his problem. And I really recognize the same things in my hatband that you have just written down. He considers going to the therapy because of the addiction, but for now, he told that he wants to try by himself first, because he really have motivation to do this.
     
  19. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the tip. Where I can find this " SO private forum"? :)
     
  20. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    That sounds great and you have lucky girlfriend. And that openness, which comes with the acceptance of the problem, surely helps with coming close together again. I really am happy for you. Just remember, that if you ever have the urge to relapse, please try to remember how badly that might hurt the person you love and care. This is just the point of view of the partner of PA, and I wish you success full journey for next 83 days. :)
     

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