4 days after admitting addiction and recovering relationship (10 years together)

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by throwaway876123, Aug 8, 2019.

  1. Shy_1990

    Shy_1990 Fapstronaut

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    Yes as soon as I stopped the denial and the excuses and just opened up about everything it went from me vs my girlfriend to my girlfriend and I vs porn addiction.
    Yea she was angry, but thats a normal reaction.
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I sent you an invite.
     
  3. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    We talked with my husband about having sex and we agreed that he wants to be "the master" of his needs. So at least for now on 90 days reboot, we will have sex on maximum 4 times in a week.

    Our sex life has changed dramatically. No more “porn sex”. It more like, very slow, and nothing is forced. I even was able to make him to have and orgasm when I was top. And yea, that was like the very first time maybe in 10 years. (I know, it sounds sad). I even realized that I have not wanted to try to make him to have O earlier (for a long time), because it was basically impossible. Only he was able to do things as “fast and hard” as needed to have O. I hope this our new way will last…


    Then the thing which is rolling in my head all the time now… He will be home alone tomorrow like 6 hours. What he would have done earlier, is watch porn and wank once or twice during that time. He told that if he would have the urge to do something, he will tell about that for me, and he have a back up plan to think something else. He has even taught different options to distract his urge (if it comes). But, I am still afraid… I knew that this day will come, but I did not realize how much I would think about it and how much it would disturb me. I just wish that he will not let me down...
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019 at 1:03 PM
  4. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Well, I wanted to believe it won't happen again since he promised not to. But I was sure it will happen. And it's not acceptable, but just how the world works. I don't know what obvious reasons you mean. In my case he was as honest with me as he was with himself so I have trust in his words. So I think it's a bit different than most cases here. We've had f.e. such situation as Sunday morning, we were up for sex and in the mood, but I wanted to go for my every week sport activity at 10. And I asked him if he can wait for me and for once not masturbate because I want him and he said no, he won't wait. That he prefers it, cause they are prettier, and I shouldn't be mad, cause of course they are, they are designed for beeing prettier. I'm still pretty, but not that much, and hey, he still loves me and if I really want he can finger me after I'm back, but he wants to masturbate and he doesn't mind if I watch porn with prettier men too.

    So I really got the honesty. I got his truth and had to deal with it, go with it or go away. After that conversation I realized btw that he was a fucking addict and started to treat him like an addict. And addict lie to themselves and don't realise how hard is for them to stop the addiction. And when controlled they will eventually hide it. And if they decide they want to stop, they are going to fail some times, cause they understate the power of addiction. But if they are capable to limit it and hold on it for someone they are capable to stop eventually with enough support when they decide for it. With fails on the way. My sister made it with her heroin problem. My parents went to a lot of support groups and told me what was there. Now she lives drugs and cigarettes free, found a relatively ok man and is capable of being in relationship with him for about 4-5 years now, both working and her job is actually her passion.
    So I've known that you can beat it but it's harsh. But they have to learn to know themselves and it will just happen on mistakes.

    After that conversation we've had few more fights and I was trying to move out seriously (looking for a job in another city, cause I moved there for him) and he saw that he is losing me and he limited it to the point that my sexual needs were met. And he kept the promise. He didn't promise to stop. But he improved himself on other ways and that was enough as long as he could keep the priorities. After birth of our son he realised he couldn't keep priorities of enough help and support for us unless he stops it. And so he decided it.
    From the point I first noticed that porn may have more impact than it should till now took 3,5 years. I must say though I understated the impact and also the way.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019 at 8:14 PM
  5. throwaway876123

    throwaway876123 Fapstronaut

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    I am sorry to hear that, you accepted that he prefers over you. You are pretty and deserve to be wanted. He have been awful to you. He takes away the pleasure from you to have shared pleasure. At least I enjoy very much about that, how much pleasure my body can give to my husband. Hopefully he has realized what is on stake. But yea, I agree, that honesty is start point for the whole relationship.
     
  6. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I should clarify as I can't speak on behalf of how all SO of PA's think or feel... However, the obvious reason for me on why I think my SO still is or in time will watch P again is because he is a liar, he has time and time again showed me and told me that is who he is, never matching his words with actions and vice versa.

    I'm sorry that he said those things to you. Surely you don't believe what he says?
    I agree with you, only a PA can decide when he is ready to give it up and if they're not ready they will just learn how to hide things better.
     
  7. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I believe. I believed him because it was truth for him for that time. But for me the truth was that his mind is corrupted and he can't realise that.
    And yes, there are prettier woman than I and I can live with it. What I can't live with, is that he valued prettier woman more than me because they're prettier. So I can also find men that are more attractive. That doesn't mean I am actively searching for them and because of the searching don't have time for him or his needs. I value him more than other attractive men.
     
  8. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    There is always going to be someone with a better feature or asset than another depending on a person's preference and I think if someone continually looks outside of the relationship with p/psubs/ogling they will increasingly become more and more dissatisfied with what is in front of them, no matter how pretty you are.

    I see what you are saying and that makes perfect sense....that statement is painful, I feel it...
    Can he actually tell you what their faces looked like though? I may be wrong here, but, I'm not sure men actually look at women's faces while watching P.. etc, because honestly if they did...well...
    I don't think it's okay to tell the person you are with that they cannot wait for you or have time for your needs because they'd rather pmo to someone they prefer over you, even if that's the reason, that is very cruel for anyone to say.
     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2019 at 7:00 PM
  9. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Well, for me it doesn't really matter if he saw faces or not, but I think yes. So I watched what he likes and that is another thing that was for me easier than for many here. His taste is quite nice, more vanilla and fits his personality and what he likes in real life. So there is not really a contradiction or something that really shocked me. Before I realized the problem we tried to look porn together but it didn't work.
    As said, he changed a lot since than and understands that and apologized. He doesn't do that anymore. He doesn't think like that anymore. He is still struggling with habits but he improved and not only in that subject. He has a problem with what he tries and wants to value and what he shows to value, how he acts on it. Not only p but it was perfect example of it and a major thing.
    And yes it was cruel and it caused pain but as what I prefer it to know the truth and could appreciate that he is honest and that though it hurts me, he have never tried to hurt me on purpose (like saying I am ugly, trying to demish my value other way).
    And I always can trust him and know he is on my side and there is always risk that there is something I can't see, that I'm wrong about something. And from that fight I lost 8 kg. I was most of my life at BMI 24/25 and I thought it is just so for me. On the border of overwight. I went to BMI 22 and well I saw the difference and that he didn't find me that attractive was 95% p but that 5% was on me. I noticed that also other men look at me more. So he was right and I was right. And it was good for me as my pregnancy got me 25kg more and I think only half of it was my fault. Now I am again on board with losing weight but it would be Desaster for me 8kg more on my knees.
    Anyways even though now Im not comfortable with my body (working on that and lost 8 kg since birth) and how much not comfortable I am with it is on his addiction I have to say now it feels different how he looks at me and how he value me and my needs even though I am definitely objectively less pretty. And sadly I think I got stuck in his mindset more than he, cause I struggle not to hate it how I look now but he really doesn't seem to have problem with it, or definitely less than before. I will be back on my weight but it hurts me that my lose skin and hanging breasts will be scars that will remind me forever for how stupid I was overeating in pregnancy. And it bothers me definitely more that it should.

    It was the same but much easier and faster with computer games. So he didn't want to stop to speak with me. Once I asked what values he more, me or games, he got pissed said of course me, few days I try to explain him that he acts other way, few weeks he thinks about it and decided that I am right and changed his behaviour.
     

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