Tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Probably... Before D-day(s), he used to often say "If people knew me, they wouldn't like me." I suspect this had everything to do with P. But where the original shame, that led to P, came from? Who knows!? I have met his parents a few times, and I have a really strong suspicion that there wasn't much feelings and emotions in his childhood. They are nice and caring people, but mostly caring about the physical and the intellectual side of life. Nobody there ever talks about their feelings or acknowledges others' feelings. Nobody stops to actually spend time with you. Everyone is constantly busy with their endless, needed or not, tasks. There is lots of talking going on all the time (too much for my taste), but the talking is always about something somewhere, not what's *inside* you. So... quite an emotional desert, if you ask me.

 

Thanks for sharing this. Do you happen to have the corresponding one for women too? I make a point to make things as equal as possible so won't ask for something I'm not willing to offer or do myself.

We have done the 5LL and the corresponding apology test. Very interesting. Quality Time is my top, then Touch and Words of Affirmation. For apologies, I'm mainly Expressing Regret and Accepting Responsibility then Genuinely Repenting. Got zero for both Making Restitution and Requesting Forgiveness. It all totally fits.

His main languages are Acts of Service then Words of Affirmation. I don't remember the apologies - it was close-ish to mine. I do remember he didn't like the 'wordiness' of some of the options and specifically neither of us identified with needing requesting forgiveness.

Interestingly he thought some of the scenarios didn't even merit concern or hurt feelings which confirms a lack of empathy in many types of situations. If it wouldn't hurt him, it doesn't occur to him someone else might be hurt by it.

 

Yeah that guy is a genius... @AnonymousAnnaXOXO don't forget the 5LL
Me and my SO redo ours yearly as we know we grow and change as people.

 

@Kenzi Yes, the 5 love languages! I take the quiz yearly to see if mine have changed, in fact, I want my husband and I to do them soon to check in again on them.

 

Yes, here: http://fivelovelanguages-m0.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/2011/03/5LL_StudyGuide_2015.pdf
You can find all of their resources here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/resources/free-study-guides/

 

D finitely sounds like he keeps those emotions buried deep. Some 1:1 time with a good therapist might help him explore things internally. must have been tough growing up in a house like that.

 

Thanks so much!!!

 

I know... :-( The stupid part of our childhoods is that no matter how screwed up our home environments are, we thinks it's normal, because we don't know any better.

 

This.
Nobody knows til later.
Totally true....
And that realization, I think, can hurt worse alot of the time.... Than actually what happened

 

Amen to that. It's not until you realize what might have been, what you could have had, what you missed out on, that you mourn it.

Ties right in to all this here doesn't it.

 

Yep, the biggest part of my betrayal trauma is probably looking back and seeing how s***ty my relationship and even life have been. How much I didn't do, just waiting for affection. How much time I spent confused and thinking of ways to fix stuff.

 

Yup. Why it helps to work with a professional with an objective perspective. Do you ever try talking about that stuff with him or does he just stonewall?

 

We can mourn the past but not ressurect it. So we have to crawl forward.

The funny thing is that some our best attributes may be due to the traumas we suffer--maybe they're coping mechanisms (sarcastic humor, development of an artistic talent, etc) or maybe they developed as a way to fight trauma. Whatever the case we are inexorably shaped by our pasts. Good that we are self aware now.

I'm gonna stop sounding like a self help audiobook now.

 

He doesn't stonewall at all. He is amazing at everything... well, besides his PA and a related ogling issue. He does have loads of shame (as I said before), which needs addressing on his own. I am currently in trauma therapy, so hopefully that works

 

Gotcha. Was just thinking how a PA would keep him from praising/complimenting you. I hope you both get better.

 

Ah, that. Must be the avoidant trait picked up in his emotionless childhood home.

 

Thanks mom and dad.

 

Could he be on the Autistic Spectrum, like Aspbergers?? I know a few guys who are and your PA sounds a bit like them. Highly intelligent yet emotionally and feeling reserved. It's hard as hell for them to emote.

 

And now he sounds like Chris. His father is Aspberger, I don't think Chris is but like father like son. Learned behavior

 

My husband used to compliment me a lot. He came from a very fundamental religious home with no emotional connections whatsoever. As his P use increased he complimented me less and less and started criticizing my appearance. I suspect I just looked ugly to him because I wasn't photoshoped.