My wife has a chronic illness

Hello friends in recovery,

My wife has a chronic illness. She has been out of remission for about 6 months, more than half our daughter's life. Our daughter came to our family through adoption, pregnancy did not affect this.

The past 2 months, however, she has had acute symptoms. It is painful for her and causes depression and despair. It is hard to experience joy in pain or with a sense of dread. Although we are very happy generally and I post a lot about being at peace and loving my life, that doesn't mean I don't experience sadness and in this case fear.

I know that getting fears off of my chest is key to staying sober. They say in AA that resentment is the #1 killer of an addict. In SAA, they say it is fear.

I'm afraid. She is afraid. We know she will be out of remission when they change her medication at least for a while, but she does not respond well to medications. Her body rejects them, builds immunity to them, and she experiences side effects more harshly. They also have long term effects like causing cancer. This scares the hell out of me. She has told me she thinks it is likely that I will outlive her. This saddens me so much. We met late in life, me early 40's, her late 30's. Our time together is limited. I know that's true of everyone. It just saddens me that to live life fully, to experience connection with another, that that vulnerability eventually inevitably leads to loss.

It's been hard logistically as well. I've had to pick up a lot of slack with baby care and keeping the household in order as well as my job, etc etc. For my part, I'm practicing good self care as much as possible. My FIL is coming over today and I'm going to meet a friend for lunch for 2 hours before I come home and get to an afternoon of baby proofing the house. It's worth it to take the 2 hours.

I don't know where I am going with this. I guess I am just asking for support. Asking others for support is how I ask G-d for support. I pray as well, but to me G-d in is the community.

My covenant to you, the community, is that I will be sober today. I ask for your prayers and well wishes during this time.

Peace to you,
-Quinn

 

Hi all, thank you for your well wishes. I had a bedtime conversation with her last night about "being the rock", how I am often the one to say about whatever "it will be ok". I told her last night that I had my own fears for her and for me as well.

I remember when we were going through the adoption process, which is arduous to say the least. She used to lie on my shoulder at night as ask me if it would ever happen and I used to say "yes of course it will". But when I stopped being the rock, one day I said to her "I don't know. I hope so. It probably will but it might not".

I think I still really struggle with being vulnerable around uncertainty with my wife, in all my relationships really. Even with my friends, I'm more the rock to them than vice versa. Even here, on this forum, I have noticed I have adopted that posture. I started to box myself out from my own struggles, my own fears. I focus so much on the solution that sometimes I forget that I need help, too. I need it just as much as the next person.

One point of clarification, my wife's illness isn't terminal but it is life impacting and could shorten her life below the average. There is something about having a child in the home that has opened me to the vulnerability that time will run out. Seize the fish as they say.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Thank you all.

My wife isn't asking me to be the rock. I'm a recovering codependent so I tend to do that from time to time. Like addiction recovery, it is something that I am always working with. It is natural for me to slip into old behaviors and patterns. Every day, I am a little bit better than the previous. Over a longer period of time, I see the change and growth.

And thanks, @Kenzi. You are right that it is not helpful to "fix" someone's emotions or feelings. And who am I, who are any of us, to guarantee certainty in an uncertain world?

Peace,
-Quinn