I'd like to add Option 4... Having a proper talk with your wife, potentially seeing a marriage counsellor, and working something out. Not that I have issues with choosing method 3, but these 3 aren't the only solutions at all. Hell I've known couples who had this issue and then decided to open up their relationship a little so somebody else can give them what they can't. I admire your choice but there are way, way more options than these three.
Thanks for the inspiration sir. It means a lot reading stories like these that it's possible and can be done. One can break free from this addiction. May God give you the strength in moving forward with your head held high!
I agree with SamFZ, I believe you could sit down and have an honest conversation with your wife about it, if the relationship allowed it. I am sure some relationships wouldn't be able to survive this but I think if you've built a life and a family together and you still want sex then you could figure something out. It doesn't sound like you bear any resentment but I think if you did find an external way of getting sex then it might relive stress off your wife and the relationship. However you both do sound committed to celibacy, and I admire your attitude and strength in dealing with this, so I'm sure you will figure out what works best for you!
Hey @Tankus and @SamFZ, thanks to both for your thoughtful comments. Though I initially felt reluctant to reply to this exchange - this being @Mr. Tumnus' home-base and all - as I am woven into the back and forth and as this thread is pretty important to me personally, I would like to say a few words: Mostly, I would like to address the matter of Option 4, which I read as 'Have a conversation (mediated and / or non-mediated) and figure something out.' My wife and I have had this conversation several times. In fact, with the benefit of hindsight, I see this has been a longstanding exchange between us. An extremely longstanding exchange that recently has reached the point of zero interest in sex. Now that's not simply zero interest in sex, like 'Oh I'm just not interested in Game of Thrones.' Physical contact has always been challenging for her. Whether it's hugs or handholding or people in her personal space, at a certain point her wiring gets overwhelmed and it's painful. I've seen this again and again over the years with myself and with others. It hurts her. And somehow, during our conversation about 'no interest in sex' I really got this. And, incidentally, got the fact that I hadn't been getting it before and, as a result, had been causing harm. Why had I not seen this before? While I am certain there are several reasons for this, I am equally sure that a main contributor to this situation is the fact I am a self-centred addict with a dysfunctional and frankly inappropriate sense of healthy sex in an adult relationship. I am a self-centred and dysfunctional / inappropriate addict who somehow has been given a chance to see how things are for my partner and to respect this. To make some measure of amends, repair. Now perhaps at this point one could say, 'That seems pretty one-sided.' Maybe. But remember what I reported in my initial post: During our last 'no interest in sex' conversation, my wife gave me the green light to seek sex outside our relationship. As long as I am discrete, I can more of less have sex with whomever. This does not seem one-sided to me. It seems a pretty honest and generous response to the situation we find ourselves in. So why don't I do this!?! To repeat: I am a self-centred addict with a dysfunctional and frankly inappropriate sense of healthy sex in an adult relationship. If I accepted this opportunity, I am 100% certain all of this would intensify - this is, after all, the nature of addiction. Put another way, if I accepted this opportunity I would end up hurting myself, hurting my family, and hurting who knows who else. I would end up jeopardizing my sanity, my health and my freedom. I would move away from being a recovering addict and into a more active, unrestrained manifestation of this illness. Maybe if I find myself with a long stretch of solid sobriety under my belt, some of what I offer above will change. But then again maybe it won't. As much as I miss sex, I am tired of being ruled by sex. I am tired of being addicted to sex and having my life diminished by this. I am tired of using people. So sure maybe if I find myself with a long stretch of sobriety, the above will change. My suspicion is, however, that it will not. Since @Mr. Tumnus first encouraged me toward more honesty about my situation, I've realized I want more from life than sex. Much more.
Beautifully put and very recognizable. I have almost the same situation with my wife. Your post made me cry. I do not want to hurt her, I love her. I do not want to feel this way either but I've come to realize, any other way will make me and her feel worse.
This is so encouraging and helpful, thanks for sharing. I tried Nofap in the past and the highest no. of days I reached is about 2 months, but after 4-5 months of being stuck again, I realize this thing (addiction) is not to be lived with.
I do (rarely) fantasise still - usually if I cannot sleep. A key part of my development has been realising that 'sexual desire' isn't just about sex!? Further, it certainly isn't about pmo or self abuse. For me, sexual desire is just my body telling me : "Hey, you are lucky to be alive. Do something positive." I can say this honestly: After a year on hard mode, I am NOT sexually frustrated.
I agree, in a way, although for me it still comes down to these three questions. I have had a very open discussion with my wife now. The problem (for me) is I know she dosnt want sex. She is very certain of this. The big development in my life has been realising there is something much 'bigger than sex' in the love I have for my wife, and for my life. In other words, 'my life is bigger than sex'.
Thanks. Here on NoFap we can all help each other to defeat this terrible addiction. I wish you well on your journey through this.
Thanks for your great post. RE sex outside relationship. For me, this would be as destructive as pmo. My love for my wife is based on an emotional 'oneness'. This is so important to me. While this love is no longer sexual, it is still very much emotional. I think our wives are very similar. My wife though hasn't suggested this to me. If she did I would have to tell her that this wasn't an option for me. I have told her now I no longer masterbate. I have told her I am completely celibate and plan on staying that way. TBH, although this is hard to understand while addicted to pmo, I feel incredibly positive about my life right now.
Wow! This post really made me think about something, being in my 20s, its easy to think that life/love/marriage is all about sex, but boy did I realise that there can be relationships that rise above all of this. I had never thought that there will be points in life where I would have to go sexless and its a natural part of life. Sex just seems to be potrayed as such a natural part of life that I never thought about this. I have never had any sexual relationships however and with stopping porn, the body is in chaos now not knowing how to go about this change. Reading your post showed me how hard mode is not unnatural, and gave me food for thought on how to think about sexuality.
Good job on 396 days -- very good. I have a different opinion. I think a husbands job is to take care of his wifes AFFECTION needs. You are doing that -- and are honorable. A wife's job is to take car of her husbands SEX needs. She doesn't "feel" like it. That is very selfish -- and is dishonorable. If she is doing that due to all of the Past porn...…. that is an 'okay' temporary situation. If she just decided to call it quits -- like a Prima-Donna (selfish; yet still Expects AFFECTION -- that is very Selfish, Arrogant, Dysfunctional, and a bad example.) I would do Separation...………… Counseling...………….. and Divorce if my wife became Selfish...….. and errant.
Thanks for this. Yes, I think that sex is a 'given' in a so called 'healthy' relationship. However, I think this reflects more the media an d exploitation of society for making money than reality. There is a lot more to life than sex I feel.