A year on hard mode, was it worth it?

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Mr. Tumnus, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the post.

    I think a lot of folks would take your view, but it isn't mine. I feel that women especially , not so much men, are really living against the clock in sexual terms. The menopause really does rob women of the sex hormones that gives them sex drive. If we (men) then make women provide sex as a service, is this not morally wrong? For me it is.

    Although I am in my fifties, I am very fit and, certainly sexually still as virile as I was twenty years ago. In another time or life I would have taken a younger woman as a sex partner, fathered more offspring, maybe my wife would then help care for them as well as her own grandchildren? This is certainly the 'natural order'. My selfish genes would, if they could think, be very happy with this arrangement.

    However, the natural order - arguably - stopped functioning as the primary driver of human society over 3000 years ago. It still influences many, many things we see today though. The establishment of monogamy especially (largely due to religion, but also perhaps as itself a biproduct of the natural order working its way relentlessly via subtle paths) meant that the socially acceptable face of polygamy in many cultures - including my own - disappeared. While the natural order still explains much of human action, a lot of it is seen as being morally negative by most of us.

    Therefore, I am conciously choosing to NOT live my life by the natural order. This is a critical decision for me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2019
  2. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    You're not serious, are you? I don't remember saying this in my vows. Was it in small print at the bottom of my marriage license?

    We're all doomed. That's it folks. Game over.
     
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  3. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    A lot of men really do think like this unfortunately. The idea of sex as a duty is totally wrong for me, but 'some how' it has become an unwritten rule of marriage for some. I think it goes back to polygamy personally. In a polygamous male-dominated society women are basically treated as second class humans, effectively serving men's needs - including sexual needs. This is repugnant to me personally, but I can see where this comes from in evolutionary biology terms: a situationally dominant man can father many children, while a dominant woman is still limited in this regard.
     
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  4. Congratulations on making this big change in your life. Life is worth living!
    And thanks for sharing it on here.
     
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  5. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support. Much appreciated.
     
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  6. EatCake

    EatCake Fapstronaut

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    Egocentric, eh? That ego sure screws things up.
     
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  7. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely. The one thing that has helped me the most beating pmo addiction is cultivating selflessness rather than selfishness. Our ego serves a purpose - survival and reproduction. However, it also brings lots of downsides and gets us into all kinds of difficult situations. I guess this is what being human is about.
     
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  8. Mr Tumnus. Congrats on your achievement! Have to say your level of understanding, self development, maturity and wisdom is refreshing, and probably rare. You get a big thumbs up from me :) I had a similar situation when i was married about 20 years ago now. When my husband couldnt have sex , he suggested i could sleep with other people if i wanted ( to meet that need so to speak) But i didnt want to, I loved him and valued him and so didnt. Cant say i remember it being easy thou but i was in my 20's and not very self aware or "life aware" (still working on these now - its a life long thing!.)

    As a woman i just wanted to add in an option 5 ? :)
    Yes sex 'drive' is hormone led and purely biologically designed to get us reproduce.
    As we are all aware on this forum it can also be emotionally led. In a negative numbing out way. But on the flip side also in a positive way - for love and bonding, something that comes from the emotionally intimacy of a growing healthy relationship ( and the thing that is lacking in a marriage where porn has been used to avoid this). This will have had a big impact on your wife, what she feels and what she has experienced, that can change too, as a result of your growth and change.

    Feeling connected is a human need for both of you. Wanting sex can also come from a desire for connection post the hormones of menopause. But its only gonna happen where there's emotional intimacy, vulnerability and safety - for you both. Doesnt have to be intercourse, there are lots of ways to feel physically/sexually connected in a rewarding way - but it takes two.

    Keep up the good work. Hope your wife has grown from this too, and you'll be able to grow together.
    If not there is much good that comes from finding pride and peace in yourself. Self mastery - we'll never get there if we don't continue to aim for it.
     
  9. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the post. I agree sex does fill an emotional role for many. It may be a characteristic of my personality (even a dysfunction) that this isn't generally the case for me. I think though it is partly because I was addicted to pmo from childhood, and exposed to sex very young.

    Saying this, I feel I have a strong capacity for emotional love without sex. I have speculated even that while we might think of romantic love as emotional love plus sex, when there is emotional love without sex (might be platonic love) it can still be very strong - if not stronger than romantic love.

    It is great to get your perspective.
     
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
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  10. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    I found this great .com web site (that I have nothing to do with) called 'anti dopamine' ( as one word, I think there is some commercial rivalry or something with NoFap, but really still worth a visit).

    I can honestly say after a year on hard mode I am experiencing many, many of the benefits described here due to quitting pmo. This is a great site - and awesome motivational reading.
     
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  11. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Wow. I have seen your other posts and have to now go back and read them with your resume in mind. I see hard mode needs to be renamed to “freedom guaranteed mode.”
     
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  12. That's amazing!! I am looking forward for my 365 day and beyond. Thanks for sharing dude!
     
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  13. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. Yes - freedom is so correct. Trust me, when you are free from pmo you will feel like a new person. It really helps your life and is so wonderful. I don't live a lie anymore.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2019
  14. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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    You can do it!
     
  15. Mr. Tumnus

    Mr. Tumnus Fapstronaut

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  16. Kratos_GOW

    Kratos_GOW Fapstronaut

    Thanks
     
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  17. Victor-yao

    Victor-yao Fapstronaut

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    well done. you are great
     
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  18. pcmaster

    pcmaster Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, man ! This keeps me going even stronger. IF I can safe just one girl from early menopause, it's worth it. In a marriage of course.
    God bless, O yes!
     
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  19. Powerous

    Powerous Fapstronaut

    Dude this is amazing, congrats!
     
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  20. wallieboy92

    wallieboy92 Fapstronaut

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    Great story, mate. Keep up the good work.
     
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