Rejected by wife

Thank you @phuck-porn

 

So the only way is when both take all the responsibility? Okay, but if he would go in for 100%, saying it's all his fault, what reason is there for her to admit she also was doing wrong and is responsible for just everything? No it's not the truth at all, not even if you could add the sums of their faults it won't get to 100 because there are external factors as well. I agree it's pointless to count points, but I'm not the one talking about who's to blame for what, only that they both have a responsibility.

So OP approaches his wife, saying something like: "I'm sorry I did watch porn and was lying to you about it, I really tried to stop but I couldn't. Now I've been off porn for 90 days, I'm doing my best to be a good father and husband, and I love you. I want our marriage to work and I'm willing to give 100% to make it work, but I need your help because I can't do it alone. We need help from a therapist and we both need to be open and to want this. Do you want to save this marriage with me? We can't wait any longer, it's now or never, we need to make a decision, for our kids."

What more can he say or do?


Kattskägg

 

^^^^^^this

 

This thread has brought up a lot of topics and issues. I am a partner of a PA. I want to tell you how I handled the first 3 months of finding out. I didn’t want my partner in the room, let alone touching me or talking to me. I found him utterly disgusting, abominable and horrible. I felt this way because I told him PRIOR to the relationship that I couldn’t have porn in my relationships because it was a huge release trigger for my anorexia (which I did end up having to go back to treatment for).

(Also just a note, I had anorexia prior to the relationship, told my partner I couldn’t have porn in it because I knew that was too much of a trigger and I would relapse. I ended up having to go back to treatment. My partner takes full responsibility for doing things to harm me to the point of having to go back to treatment. I also take responsibility for doing everything I could not to starve myself. So if she had depression and anxiety prior to relationship but it got better, then worse once she discovered the porn then that is partly the addicts fault if he knew how she felt about porn. )

I HATED my partner for the first month alone. The second month I tolerated him. The third month I resented him but was willing to talk. Through those first three months we had sex, I pushed him away, told him not to touch me, told him we need to talk, then told him to go away. I was a roller coaster of emotion. But I was only GASLIT (AKA EMOTIONAL MENTAL ABUSE) for a year. I can’t imagine more than one year. I even told my partner, now fiance, almost husband, that if it had gone on longer than a year I would have left. I don’t tolerate lying. To me lying is a HUGE betrayal.


Oh, also, I wanted to go on dating sites just to hurt my partner right after I found out. I didn’t, but I would mention it, or how I wanted to go to the bar alone and meet someone. I basically was showing him that if you can cheat on me, let’s see how you feel when you’re the one being cheated on. Not the best way to handle it, but I can say a very… common thought women have after this, even if they don’t go through with it.


We are getting married on saturday. I can’t wait, but we still have TONS of work to do, and this is over a year of him being PMO free. Only at the 9 month mark did we get back to any semblance of normal.


PMO is cheating if your partner told you how they felt about it and you continued. And yes, alcoholics drinking behind a wife’s back is cheating too. Cheating isn’t just physical. I absolutely hate how clack and white some people’s views are. Cheating is a spectrum, and cheating is shades of grey. There are minor offenses and big offenses.


Now, to the OP, I can tell you that my partner thought he was trying to make things up to me, but it was not real. I could tell. If he ever mentioned the things he wanted to do, but couldn’t because I set a boundary that was a sign he didn’t understand the pain I went through. If he got defensive in any way (and he sometimes still does) that shows me he still doesn’t understand that he destroyed me. The things that have shown me, over time, that he is serious are, NO defensiveness, ACCEPTANCE of boundaries no complaints, CONSISTENCY and HONESTY. These all come with time. 90 is like a minute in “healing time.” once you hit 9 months, if nothing has changed then ok, I get that, move on. But 90 is like blinking for me. So be patient, if you can.


Now I agree your wife is being stubborn and you can only do so much. It takes two to tango as they say. If you own up to your faults without blaming her that will help, but she would also need to discuss with you her faults (not related to porn related issues) and own that too.

I wish you the best in trying to heal.

 

Only one line pasted... OK, let me clarify... Cuz my phone sux.

You both need to make a decision for the kids.

What you aren't doing is being fair to them.

If nothing else, it's monkey see monkey do

Not monkey do what you tell them

This is impacting them more than you know.
Get into therapy or whatever so you can at least have That conversation.
That is where I see blame, even if nobody wants to take responsibility for the past... What you are both doing now is harmful to their upbringing... You may think you are keeping it from them
Your not.
And it's selfish to think in this mindset.
The time to act is now.
Putting it off just worsens it for their mental health.
As a parent... Of many children.
Those are my thoughts.
Also, I agree with @AnonymousAnnaXOXO

You can't change the past tho.
It's time to move forward.

 

I don't get it. By your definition of PMO being equivalent to physical cheating, your fiance was unfaithful to you for an entire year of your relationship! Also, as I'm sure he watched different scenes, he was unfaithful with a huge amount of different "partners". Not only did you forgive him but you decided to marry him?

 

Yes, but as patient as you can be, you are creating ticking time bombs in the kids.
Once things are calm in both parents they will think it's safe to take it out on both of you.
The longer you wait the harder it will be.
One may implode, one may act out, one may turn to P, one may pick up smoking one may be a rexie, one may turn angry and violent, one may one may one may... And then you are fighting because you have two different households to coparent... And you are doing it alone... And you are being pitted against. They out number you.
Just bring it up to your therapist.
Be there for them.

 

Sir i would like to wish you the best of luck and give two little quotes i found in a really helpful book.

"A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else"
"It's Never too late to start, It's Always too late to wait"

 

This yes all of this! This is exactly the point I'm trying to get across.

 

I said the same thing

 

Here's the thing.... We are all around the world... Different backgrounds, different upbringing, different cultures.
We might all be saying the same thing... Doesn't mean we will all be understood the same way.

 

However, this is why when we agree, we should say That, as simple as possible.
Because that's what matters...
We encourage each other
And promote progress

 

If you have to ask if it's cheating it's cheating.

 

Here is how I see things. The OP did not write in and say that his marriage was struggling because of his wife's depression, her body issues, her being on tinder or whatever was later revealed in the feed. He said she did not want to be near him and hated him due to his PMO use. So the catalyst for the current situation is his behavior not hers. And it's perfectly normal for her not to want to touch him after finding this out. It seems that as time went on the OP felt as if his partner was not moving on quickly enough and was treating him poorly. So then he started to try to blame shift. This is not about a marriage put in the current situation by mutual behavior but by his alone. He entered this relationship as an addict so the relationship was doomed to start. Even if the SO had no depression issues before she would have them now after years of being with a pmo addict. So yes I am saying exactly that. He cannot be defensive he cannot lay blame he must accept that it was his actions and his actions alone that put them here. He is solely responsible for their current predicament. There is not a choice C here. Choice A accept responsibility or Choice B keep your ego and lose your partner. There is no push some blame off on your partner and stay in the relationship. As a partner I can link all of the issues your wife is having to the pmo. An addict not being able to see that is an addict that has no idea how deep the wounds of being with a pmo addict lie and that's the problem here. The addict trying to say let's work on what the SO did too reads to her I am not responsible for my actions and I have no idea of the pain I have caused you. I'm sorry but the only answer is to swallow your pride and suck it up . If you do this her attitude will most likely change. Focus solely on you and your actions.

 

I love this quote!

 

Are you @ParvusSapentia wife? You seem to believe that PMO use impacts all SOs exactly the same way as it seems to have affected yourself...