Sex addict looking for advice

This is just a statement without any evidence. And this is also not true. There are plenty of men with some secrets but who have a very healthy intimate relationship with their wife.

 

I am not saying that he has to continue the cheating but he can reflect on it by his own and decide not to do it anymore. He can save the marriage without having to admit the cheating by deciding to be a faithful good husband, after healing of course.

 

I understand your point of view completely and I also felt some regret by doing it, so I stopped (4 years ago). My marriage is very very very good and we love each other A LOT and have a lot of fun together. However, I never told my wife about this experience. If I tell her you understand that the whole marriage would be wrecked right? and it is in no ones favour to tell since I stopped and focus on her and love her 100%

You understand my point that sometimes not telling is the better alternative?

 

I get where you're coming from as well. I even agree that spilling this right now would probably be detrimental to the relationship. Saying you're a good man, though, isn't consistent. The tone of the quoted post was that cheating is no big deal, it's just fun, and what wives don't know won't hurt 'em. That's not good behavior.

You can classify yourself as a good man who did a bad thing, but a person who makes this a pattern of behavior is not good, and a person who makes this a consistent pattern of behavior and thinks they can get out of it without hurting anyone is probably kidding themselves.

 

That is exactly why I quit this behaviour. And nobody is perfect. In my opinion the binary distinction good/bad is also an illusion. We are men and we sin sometimes. Doing good things and doing bad things. There is no such thing as a good and bad man

 

Telling your wife is controversial even in most 12 step groups. The eighth step is to make amends, except where to do so would cause harm. Making amends does not equal full confession, but it should involve the offender attempting to make things right or repay in some way (watch "my name is Earl" for some funny examples). For me, my wife knows I'm in recovery for porn and sex addiction, she knows that I was addicted to porn although she may not fully know the extent of what I looked at. I know some men who do full confessions of every detail and it seems to work with them. I've also seen it where it damages the relationship, in that the woman has a hard time understanding and becomes chronically suspicious and resentful. It kind of depends on the woman. In my experience, women have a harder time forgiving than men.

Having physically acted out with another man does raise the bar in that STD's become a real concern. I would recommend he at least get tested before having unprotected sex with her. Having a counselor to help navigate this is also recommended.

 

God can help you heal. Abstinence does not guarantee recovery but without abstinence recovery is impossible

 

There's a couple things you can do about this. First about the big D. It's an artificial element of attraction effectively invented and sustained by porn. D size wasn't consistently talked about as a good thing, as a measure of masculinity or ability to please a woman, until after the advent of photography. Before that, large appendages were viewed as equal parts comical and disgusting. In practical terms, natural selection/mate preferences have optimized male and female anatomy for compatibility, meaning the average D is suitable for the average V. Even if you're on the smaller side, that's like being a shorter man. Less than ideal? Maybe. Does it have anything to do with being a good man or husband? Not at all. Most men are tall enough to get the job done, whatever their job is, and they are also big enough.

Part of what is getting to you is that being immersed in porn and hookup culture, you're current mind is conditioned to overvalue sex as a pleasurable act. In reality it's not that big of a deal, just one component in a complex relationship. It can be important, but not to the extent you think it is. Going on a 60 day fast on all sex will go a long way toward reorienting your priorities, though it won't totally fix you. I would recommend 90 days, but most married couples can last to 60. When you are reoriented, you will have less anxiety and have fewer performance issues.

Another element of porn culture is that it makes pleasure and O the ultimate priority. In reality, pleasure is the tertiary benefit of sex, behind procreation and bonding. If you focus on enjoying being with your spouse instead of trying to race both of you to untold heights, again, that's less anxiety. And maybe you will be quicker to climax than what you believe is normal, or than you want to be, but it probably doesn't matter as much to your spouse as you think it does.

When you do want to get intimate and if you do want to work on lasting longer, you do that through acclimation. You'll have to be intimate more than once a week, and do low pressure, prolonged contact, taking it slow. But that's in the future. For now you need to focus on extracting yourself from the addiction, which means you should be aiming for abstinence. At least for a period.

 

Some of that is that porn has tricked you into thinking your c0ck is small. Camera angles and actors that have enhancements are common. I used to be obsessed with size and tried all kinds of things that aren't too safe to increase. I've found though that no masturbation and fantasy, does help discipline my mind so that I can retain better during sex. When fantasies and fetishes were rampant, my mind would immediately go there when aroused and it wouldn't be long at all for a release. When I can keep those thoughts in line, everything else goes in line too.

 

My goals are no porn or self masturbation. I only allow release with my wife. This is a good reset for me as I was obsessive with PMO before. It also requires MO fasting in between, which is a good practice. You'll find after a few weeks, you don't need as much. Now I'm at the point where I feel better abstaining.

 

Sorry, thats Masturbation. We often refer to PMO as Porn and Masturbation and Orgasm here.

 

Maybe see your doctor and try citalopram if things are getting too much dude. They’re great at balancing out depression, obsessive thoughts. ( As they’re an SSRI used for ocd too) and you’ll probably notice a lot less rumination. I found I would obsess about things over and over in my head and the acting out would come as compulsion/ritual as a way of escaping but also confirmed I wasn’t good enough like a punishment. The intense rush that trashy stuff gives you feels unstoppable but you can beat it, just takes time.I know another sex addict that’s benefitted a lot from citalopram. They kill your libido for two weeks as you adjust and then you can go forever lol. Weirdly my trans erotic tendencies died down too. Go and talk to a therapist or psychologist and get a professional opinion on talking to your wife rather than feeling nagged at. Eminem and Tom Hardy aren’t packing big dks but didnt let it slow them down; F it, your wife married you so just shows your D is not a problem. I wish I had a massive one. But if I did it would just be the norm and I’d find something else to obsess over

 

What size is it? Some men are growers not showers! There are tools on the market that help with flaccid size mainly but with constant use can add some erection size too. The main issues in your head but it’s good to know there’s options.

 

Have you tried these? What improvements have you had? As I said in a previous post, I was obsessed with this in the past, as a result the best case was it led me to relapse. Worst case is it had also caused me to have ruptured blood vessels, stretch marks, waisted so much time and even money. There is really nothing safe or proven out there. It's basically either stretching, suction, or inducing excess blood flow, which done with too much force will cause damage.

I had been holding on to some of these exercises for over 10 years trying to only practice them when sober. I recently let go of it after seeing posts here and realizing that when I tried it again, I would be up with insomnia and it was leading again toward relapse. It's an unnecessary risk, with no measurable benefit.