Wives want their husbands to adore them

@TryingHard2Change;

I know many men who watch porn and are married. Their wives are fully aware of it. 1/4 of all internet traffic is porn after all and if anybody is honest they too watch porn. We're just very honest about it and want to stop.

"Do you know what this NoFap community exists for? To help people stop P (porn) or PM (porn and masturbation). A reboot is stopping PM (or just P) for 90 days ... why do you need to do it if you're married?? Because P ruins marriages...or maybe more precisely put: PA (porn addiction) ruins marriages."

For me this community exists to stop me watching porn as it corrodes me mind. If I was married, which I am not, I would probably replace the porn with her, or at least I would hope to. If not I would probably watch porn, but I'd admit it from the get go, but that's just me. My character is open like this and I would definitely admit to loving porn to any girlfriend. Even though I like it I want to go closer to God which means I need to abstain.

"My wife was not and is still not sure if she wants the marriage to continue...hence the 11.5 month separation."

So, she was married for 20 years and was happy and stayed with you, but now that you've decided to be honest and say you've been watching porn she now isn't sure she wants to be with you?

I know men who cheat on their wives and they take them back, I know men who have girlfriends and are still married. Not condoning this at all, but don't you feel throwing away a marriage for 20 years and having your children (whether old or young) live through a separation of their dad who watches porn is a touch of an overreaction. Let's face it, your kids probably watch porn too. In fact my parents and brothers know I watch(ed) porn, and I've caught my brothers or more than one occasion.

What did your children say?

Surely they aren't fussed about your actions. We've found a porn DVD around the house and well, I have 4 brothers and when we asked who's it was all the males including my dad said it was theirs so they could take it. Maybe we're a little more open, or possibly my mother just isn't as fussed. I suppose having 5 male kids does this to a woman.

I personally feel having 6 kids with one woman supersedes any porn-addiction you may have and doesn't justify a separation. It would be wise for her to see things from a collective perspective and to simply forgive you and move on, whether you relapse or not, at least for the sake of the children (grown up or not).

Hopefully she will make sure you don't relapse, but if you're going to relapse you can prod her and ask for help. Not sure how marriages work, but yeah, she might help you.

 

"My wife initiated the idea of talking every night for 10 minutes.....we've been consistent in doing this. Sometimes we talk about deep things, like us, sometimes it is just mapping out our schedules."

To me this sounds like a soft-break up. A woman wants sex as much as a man, and as a man (speaking for myself) I would struggle to go without an O for 6 months, I think the most I've done is 90 days. With the greatest of respects your story adds some questions. You sound like her friend, however, with the greatest of respects, you've gone without sex for 174 days, would I be correct to assume she has done the same? Surely she must be wanting to have sex too.

 

@TryingHard2Change;

Not married, yes your right. I don't want to get married either. Sound like it's too complicated and I see married couples and I cringe. I have Aspergers, so holding hands, holding one another, kissing, touching, makes me want to run away. I honestly can't see a woman this in her life.

I believe going nofaps is the way forward, but I don't hold grudges or anger to those who watch porn. I hope they too will find their way. On my 30 NoFap day I will post my story so you can understand from my perspective.

" Just like many, many spouses tolerate an alcoholic mate."

I don't think it's the same. You won't beat your wife or kids because your watching porn. I don't think it's the same.

What is a SO story?

I know very well what harm porn causes, but to yourself, not so much to others. Me watch porn hasn't hurt anybody only myself.

 

You've gone without PMO for 174 days! This is amazing!

Surely this is enough to bring your marriage together. I honestly think there is something else the matter. Porn is now out of your system. so this is good news right for your wife.

I don't know, I probably ask her to come back, then demand it, then pretty much give her incentives too, if all else false I would tell the kids, hey guys I did this and that but nothing worked, and if she doesn't come back in 90-days I have to move on, I hope you understand.

Again, this is all very foreign to me, boy I am glad I am single.

 

"Personally I think some PEOPLE aren't satisfied no matter what."

There, I fixed that for you. Let's not use stereotypes or generalize like that. The story link you posted implies the ratio of women/men crazy is a million to 1. I don't know you but the impression I am getting is that you are mad at "women". I hope that is not the case. It would hold you back.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

It's an old Greek story which people say and laugh. I am not mad at women at all.

I wish they were less picky when it came to me, but then again, if I was them I probably wouldn't pick me either.

I don't want a girlfriend or a woman and do not wish to be married either. I used to be very angry at women when I was younger, but then again, I realized one thing when I became 32, that actually being single is great. 2 of my brothers have partners and I see what they endure for their relationships, and I just think it's easier to continue life as I am doing.

 

Ok, my misunderstanding. Peace,
-Quinn

 

Say sorry to her, and tell her you love her and you always did, you just also loved looking at porn, but this isn't to say you didn't love her, if this wasn't the case you wouldn't have had 6 kids with her. Just tell her this. I think she will understand. I would go as far as to show her what you watched and tell her what you liked about it. Judging from your character you're pretty reserved, even to your wife.

1. You never cheated on her
2. You never not loved her
3. You always wanted to be with her
4. You never saw or kissed any woman
5. What you did, wrong as it is, is done by most men, and most married men, you was honest to admit it.

Ask her if she still loves you? If she says yes, say okay, well I love you to. Then go back to her and she can go back to you. I feel you're wasting time with one another and this life of limbo doesn't help you, her or your children.

I completely agree in your comments, porn can lead to other things. My story almost did which is why I came here.

I've even have a VR headset and I used it for porn. I did like it when I was on their but the VR headset was powered by my younger brothers computer and when be caught me he banned me from it. I convinced him to let me back on, then he caught me again and took it from me completely.

 

"I do not go out and pursue pornography any more. I'm DONE with it!"

This is also my intension too, so hopefully I can get to your level.

"When you say "...I would probably replace the porn with her...", it is almost laughable because in reality, if you were to poll almost every man in here, they had the same idea when they got married. And guess what? It didn't happen."

So glad I am not alone, maybe I can convince her when I find a women, who knows.

In either respects I will probably live alone as I don't really want to get married or have a girlfriend. I think I would probably hurt her somehow and it's not fair and I don't fancy the complications. To be honest these conversations make me feel a little off, like maybe I am loosing ground for not reason, trying to mediate and happy marriage. Sound complex and confusing.

"But yeah, most of the younger generation don't really see any problem with it at all, and that is unfortunate."

You have to be clever to see a problem with it. I did hit very low grounds which made me come here, and I do want to go nofaps, so maybe if once hits rock bottom they too will come here, particularly with the younger generation.

"The SO in our life does."

What on earth is a SO?

"Our best decisions is what brought us here, and we are going to preach to her about what is wise? Please do yourself a favor and don't dare say that to her. I'm reasonably certain, if you have a head left, she will chew the rest of it off. Yes, she needs to forgive you, but not because you deserve it, but because she does. Unfortunately, none of this, you have a decision in. This is hers and hers alone."

This sounds very complex and confusing. If she shouted at me I'd probably leave on my own, and if she chewed my head off I'd pretty much vanish too. I am not taking offense by this, but the more I understand the more I want to remain single.

I came here to go closer to God, not to find a woman. A woman for me is complications, and if I felt it didn't benefit me or had to endure tough times I would leave.

 

It might make her chuckle too, then she'd forgive you, who knows. I mean, I would give it a shot, what is the worse that can happen?

Again, I am single, have been since I was born, so I don't know much. Talking from my viewpoint this is what I would do. If I couldn't feel I could do this, or felt as if I was walking on egg shells I would probably walk away myself, but this is just me, or ignore her until I felt it was okay to walk. I am very good at ignoring people.

 

You may have many things in this world, but time is limited, and mistakes happen all the time. Tell her whatever negative feeling she has about you, to put it in a little box and bury it where they bury toxic waste, and leave it there. Keep saying things like this.

Tell her, when you watched porn you was thinking of her. She'd probably see through your lies, but again, it's about moving on. It's not about being serious and acting serious, it's about laughing it off and simply moving on and forgiving.

 

I know you are on the autistic spectrum as you stated so I get that certain aspects of communication can be confusing having worked with autistic students myself. However, can you understand that it is the sex addict's wife who gets to make these decisions? This means if she is hurt by the betrayal which she will be, she has every right to end things regardless of how many children, houses, cars, cats, dogs or chickens they have! If she's not ok about the betrayal, that's it, over. You can think she is overreacting all you want, but as the non-betrayed party, you don't get to decide what is an overreaction because it is not your feelings that have been hurt. It starts to cross over into the realm of manipulation and emotional abuse if you start guilt tripping and demanding things of someone you have betrayed.

Hope that makes sense.

P.S Some of the things you are writing are hurtful to the people here who have been betrayed badly so please be considerate in your posts.

 

The sum total of these things is called "minimizing". It is the opposite of taking ownership of one's actions. It is one of the many forms of denial for an addict along with avoidance, blaming, projecting, justifying, etc.

1. You never cheated on her (except for the lying, gaslighting, secret life thing)
2. You never not loved her (except (see above) is not a loving act)
3. You always wanted to be with her (but have a secret fantasy life too)
4. You never saw or kissed any woman (but had 1000's of O's staring at other women)
5. What you did, wrong as it is, is done by most men, and most married men, you was honest to admit it. (This is "comparing" and I'm not sure it's even true.)

Peace,
-Quinn

 

I am sorry if I was hurtful. This was not the intention. Just feel sad to see a relationship go downhill, that's all. I've never betrayed anybody, never will, but then again, I don't consider porn as a betrayal. Although I do hope to come clean.