You're Only As Sick As Your Secrets

@CharlieInABox This is topic that comes up frequently around here. A large part of the addiction and it's hold on a PA has to do with the secrecy and lies surrounding it. It sounds like you have chosen of path of being honest with yourself. You are in a relationship, so I'll ask you how can your partner relate to you if you are hiding secrets from them. At this point it appears you have confessed to lying to her, which isn't a quality anyone I know of that wants that sort of relationship with their partner. you have driven a wedge between you and your partner, and it will continue to drive the two of you apart until one of you decides to part ways. In order to move forward in a real honest lifelong relationship, the both of your have to share the same reality. Perhaps you aren't ready to trust her with this side of you, which is why you won't tell her the truth. As far as I am concerned you can only move forward in your relationship be being open and honest with each other. Her burdens become yours, and your burdens are hers. The challenges you face together make you a stronger couple.

 

Without a doubt you must tell her. You must tell her now, and you must tell her all. It is only fair that she knows what she is getting into for her, and that you are marrying someone who accepts you fully for who you are. Otherwise you are tricking her into a relationship with you. YOu do not want that. She will be angry and resentful. You cannot experience true love if you are hiding. If she dos not stay with you, then she’s not the one for you.

 

Hey there,

I honestly understand why you're feeling nervous.

It's similar to your marrying your fiancee, THEN she tells you she's millions and millions of (insert local currency) in debt. A MASSIVE game-changer, that may (or may not) have drastic repercussions on your marriage.

Women are so smart emotionally - they almost always know. They may not know exactly what - but they know something is wrong. She already knows something is wrong and that you're worried about it. This issue affects her as much as it affects you. She has a right to know, exactly as @GG2002 has already written.

When confessing all, tell her what you're doing to get it fixed. Show her your plan to avoid triggers and deal with urges. Make the most draconian internet usage plan you can think of and show it to her. Offer to check in with her regularly, if she wants that. Do whatever she asks you to do, in order to make her feel loved and able to cope with the situation.

When your wife/fiancee sees that you're taking this really, really seriously, that makes a big difference. And honesty is very attractive to women (it's usually mentioned first in qualities they look for). Although you may possibly get a few choice words thrown at you now (but maybe not!), as @hope4healing mentioned, it'll be nothing compared to how betrayed and awful she'll feel in a few years time when she discovers everything - whether or not you've fixed it.

 

The best tbing i did was be open and honest and my wife has been very supportivr

 

Hi.

I do think defeating these demons prior to marriage is a good idea, and that should be done together with you both having full knowledge of the situation and delaying the wedding until said demons are defeated.

You are not protecting her by keeping a secret, you are protecting yourself. Not an accusation. That's just what keeping secrets is about.

Finally, not telling her will hold you back from your own success. You can't recover in secrecy. There's no relief from the shame of not being the real you. In disclosure, the SO gets the truth and validation of her feelings/thoughts of being made crazy by something he/she couldn't fully see due to the smokescreening. But you, as the PA, receive the liberation of having all the weight of those secrets off of you. Drop the rock. Tell her.

Peace,
-Quinn