Yo

Hey, my name is Choicescarf,

I am 25 from the UK. I've been doing nofap on and off for a couple of years. It has been hard to keep it consistent. I'm not a hyposexualised person or do drugs and I feel this has alienate myself from the gay community. The area I live in, the drug and party culture is massive (especially within the gay areas). Its hard to meet anyone who doesn't do some form of drugs. When people find out I wont do drugs with them or hook up immediately they lose interest in me. I never really enjoyed jumping into bed with a stranger, I do it sometimes because it seems the only way to ever feel someone touch me in that way. And I'm not really interested in being in a relationship or have sex with someone who constantly does drugs. But please don't get me wrong, I love the area I live in. Just not the prevelent drug culture.

This build up of rejection has been accumulating for a couple of years now. I've always turned to porn. It was like a bitter sweet friend. I thought it was a "healthy" outlet and safer. But that crutch has become my only "healthy" sexual outlet. I found myself wanting more taboo sex and doing more dangerous things to satisfy the urge. But the urge was not sexual gratification
It was something much more wholesome that was corrupted into loneliness and toxicity. It was a feeling of wanting to be seen and loved. Ive realised my trigger for porn is when I'm really lonely. I don't want to watch it any other time. And since ive stopped feeding that part of me the painful loneliness has really revealed itself.

Since the lockdown I've been very good; deleted the hookup apps, unfollowed instathots, started to distance myself more from toxic "friends" and I have not PMO for 72 days. I'm not seeing many benefits yet, but that could be because I'm stuck inside. I've feel like I've taken back control over my sexuality and gratification. But the feeling of loneliness grows.

I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but it would be nice to talk to someone. Even if its just someone who understands the struggle of porn use. Since not many people in my real seem to get it.

 

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome