Yet Another Porn Widow (my journey)

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by alphazingersalsa, Jul 8, 2019.

  1. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I’m no Angel

    One of my biggest mistakes in this marriage is that I can be passive OR passive aggressive.

    The other day, while I was arguing over text with my hubby, I “mistyped” the word “happening” to “fappening” as this is one of the links I saw from his esteemed collection.

    What’s the best way to get back at him? What’s the best way to make
    Him feel the excruciating pain in my chest? What is the best way for him to get him to cry like a child
    Asking for forgiveness?

    Ahh, there are days when I just fantasize about this.

    Then again - I don’t know his thoughts.

    I can only imagine how miserable it must truly be to live each day believing Satan’s lies while he slowly kills, steals and destroys the last bit of joy in you...
     
  2. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    What’s Wrong with Me?

    I wake up some days confident, other days not so.

    Sundays are good as I go to church and the Lord always moves and meets me there.

    Other days, I’m filled with fear.

    What will happen to my daughter and I?

    How will we survive this?

    How will he be once we live? Will my daughter’s father spiral down even further?

    Will he shamelessly hold Ms. [email protected]’s hands around town now that he’s
    Officially divorced?

    Will he share to his friends how his psychopathic wife lead him
    To divorce her?

    Or will he wake up one morning, naked from a night of fapping and realizing: “oh, fuck. I just lost my daughter. And my wife”

    What’s wrong with me? My mind can’t seem to rest from this. Slow down, lady slow down. Self compassion. Self care.
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    One breath, one moment, and one day at a time is all we have. Just breath...
     
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    There is NOTHING wrong with YOU . It’s ALL HIM . The trickery is entangled in the fact that you love him ♥️
     
  5. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Queen Bee you are absolutely correct.
     
  6. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Monday Mornings

    Not sure what occurs on Monday mornings but it’s been fairly consistent that PMO Addict Hub discusses divorce sh!t on Monday mornings. “can I get a copy of your statement?”, “have you reviewed the draft”. I feel as though something happens on Mondays that makes him feel like he needs to expedite this divorce.

    I had an argument with my sister. I had expressed a passing thought of just wanting to die and taking my life after she told me that at the end of the day, it’s not about the porn addiction —- it’s just that he really does not love me.

    She says I devalue my life by even thinking about suicide. I know I will never do it because of my daughter. But sometimes the allure of escaping all this pain feels so comforting. Like it’s my last word for him. “Here you go, you get what you want...Freedom from ME! Live with this for the rest of your life...”

    The wounds of that will be far greater than my relief.

    Maybe today is the day of breakthrough? Maybe I’m just a day away? Maybe the Lord will wake him up come Wednesday?

    I can’t give up.

    If God is for me, who can be againsy me?
     
  7. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    God is definitely for you... We just have to trust him and try or best to keep his commandments, and accept whatever he sends us... Don't worry he will take care of the rest..
    In this fallen world, because of sin, there is suffering... But the more we trust God, the less we will feel suffering within is, even if it is outside...
     
  8. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    We all have been so low sometimes so as to think of ending it...I have been there sometimes.... Never forget that you are a valuable human being and a precious daughter of God...
     
  9. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    An important thing that you will thank me for... Try to give up all thoughts of revenge... Even if we have recorded a world of hurt from someone, harboring thoughts of revenge, the thrill of making someone pay back, it will NEVER make you happy....

    Harboring revenge and burning with anger hurts us more than it hurts those who we think of....
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  10. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Ultimately that's what we all want deep inside... To be loved... Loved by our spouse both in words and actions...
    Of course spouses ought to love each other next to God...... It's definitely a sad situation when love is lacking in a marriage....

    However, remember that no matter what, our infinitely good, infinitely wonderful and infinitely powerful God loves us.... Compared to his love, the love of our fellow humans is almost nothing...... He is the source of everything that is good and he loves all human beings.... Let that thought be a major source of happiness for you....
     
    alphazingersalsa likes this.
  11. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps, one day, you will read this

    Maybe someday.
    Maybe one day.

    They say men who want to heal,reboot, stay away and be delivered from porn go here to this website. Some read the SO journal section. The possibility of that for you is impossible, but who knows? I’ll take my chance.

    Yes, I’m your wife (as of today). The one you married almost 10 years ago. The one you had dreams with. The one who wept for your two unborn babies who didn’t make it past 6w. The one you took care of and loved you. The one who was sometimes crazy, oftentimes child like. The one who sought for safety in your arms. The mother of your child. The one you can’t wait to leave.

    Why didn’t you love me enough to fight to stop this insidious addiction? Are my breasts too small? Are my hips too narrow? Are my eyes and my hair too dark? Why did you choose “freedom” over the sanctity of our vows before our family, friends and the Lord? Why could
    I not keep you? Am I not sensual enough? Was I too sensual?

    Was love not enough to break the chain? Is the pull of those drugged performers much more comforting to you than my smile...Or
    Our daughter’s laugh?

    I know you believe that your life with porn is separate from
    Your “fAtherhood” and back then, our marriage. You watch your women guiltlessly
    Without the thought of me. What I did not know should not hurt me.

    Little did you know that as I sank into your arms, I saw your eyes stare into the television. I felt your soul faraway. Your thoughts seemed
    To
    Be anywhere but near me. Little did I know then you thought of prostitutes and searched them
    And saved
    Their photos. Did you [email protected] a
    Prostitute when were
    Married?

    Ms. [email protected], Ms. [email protected] Your sweet, thoughtful pillow and post it gift...Grr Grr...Rawr rawr. Do you really think I’m
    That stupid to think that did NOT mean ANYTHING?

    You shook me when I confronted yoi about the porn. Yes, YOU LAID YOUR HANDS ON ME.

    You know what’s twisted through this all? As of today,
    I still
    Miss you. When you smile, I want to run
    Into your arms. When I don’t feel right, I seek the comfort of your warmth, your scent.

    I still hate the thought of this divorce.

    But you psychologically and emotionally abused ME!

    I hate this.
     
    Koufax32 likes this.
  12. Screwporn1995

    Screwporn1995 Fapstronaut

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    As a real porn addict i would say that's just the porn effects . If he has a will to get rid of it . Then he will . Try to discuss with him and ask him if he wants to get rid of that . I bet he'll say yes . Then introduce him to nofap the community will definetly help after a reboot i think things will definetly become as they were before . Good luck
     
  13. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    I wish it was really just porn. He’s convinced it’s not even an issue. I’ve begged him to consider getting help and he said after the divorce.

    Everyone is convinced as well that it’s his cowardly way to tell
    Me
    He no longer loves me.
     
  14. Screwporn1995

    Screwporn1995 Fapstronaut

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    Do you still live together . I suggest you do a trick which is watcha video about pornography addiction when he gets home and make him listen what he thinks it's not a serious issue .
     
  15. testwarz

    testwarz Fapstronaut

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    Porn sucks out the ability of man to love in a mature way since he has scrambled his hormones and emotions. He might still have platonic love for his SO but in a non commital and detached way. The desire is gone since he has his ‘online girlfriends waiting for tonight’.... For every female body part he has a 10/10 pornstar waiting online so his SO is physically inferior in every way and therefore he looks down on her little knowing that is all an illusion
     
  16. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Love is basically an action and a decision more than a feeling... A decision and action of caring for someone, being truly concerned for their wellbeing, satisfying their emotional and sexual needs to your best, not to harm them, protecting them from harm and helping them become better..
    If this deeper kind of love is present, then the superficial love (feelings, warm fuzzies,etc ) will follow....
    However, it's important to note that feelings never last permanently without change.... Feelings of love and attraction are important, of course, but they will decrease and increase like waves over time.... What matters is the firm commitment, the firm decision to love, strong actions to show that love, more than feelings....

    One major reason for the disaster of many modern day relationships is that they are based more on superficial feelings of love and sexual attraction, rather than a firm commitment to love and sacrifice for the other.... And in many cases, it seems that those superficial feelings are the only thing that is holding a relationship together.... So when those feelings wane, the relationship falls apart...

    That's why it's important to select a life partner of good character and values, and who will be committed to us (as we are to them), rather than the one who gives us the most sexual and romantic excitement...

    And that's another reason I personally feel hooking up temporarily, without strong commitment, is extremely harmful, because it trains us to be attracted to the superficial qualities of a person, rather than being attracted to good character... And we may end up selecting a life partner who lacks essential qualities, and we will be blind to their red flags, because that superficial attraction that we place in a pedestal will blind us... I think kind of like how girls seem to be attracted to douchebags and guys many times gravitate towards hot women who lack good values.... I am thankful to my Christianity for teaching me these truths..
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2019
    Lostneverland likes this.
  17. hillmountain

    hillmountain Fapstronaut

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    Not only porn, but the general cheapening of sex and the relations between man and woman also sucks out the ability to love powerfully I think.... If people reserve sex to a committed lifetime relationship, then sex becomes a powerful bonding tool and helps the spouses to become even more selfless and devoted toward each other...
    Instead, sex nowadays is used as cheap advertisement, as exploitive business...
     
  18. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Can I Miss You?

    Can I miss you,please?
    I miss laughing with you.
    I miss our silly talks.
    I miss sharing food.
    I miss resting and melting on your side in bed

    I’ve been dreaming about you.
    Conversations.
    Jokes.
    Your scent.
    Your smile.

    Strangers.
    Ships passing one another in a cold, starless evening.
    Lives once intertwined, united now separated by a tall cold wall.

    Can I miss you, my love?
    Can I miss you?
     
  19. alphazingersalsa

    alphazingersalsa Fapstronaut

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    Heavy Week

    It was a particularly heavy week.

    My sister flew in from out of state to help us take care of our baby while daycare was closed. Sis and I argued on her first night because I had mentioned my dark thoughts of death and self harm. I’ve always had those thoughts but I snap out of it knowing there’s something and I’m a mother and my baby needs me...But they are there, seducing me here and now with its promise of comfort and an “ending with an impact”

    She said that I “devalue” my life and
    Disrespect the God I pray to by even entertaining those thoughts and speaking about it. Maybe I am? Am I missing something here?

    What is MY value? My husband does not/ did not love me enough to fight his insidious addiction. My husband did not/does not love me enough to fight for our family...For our infant daughter! What is my value that he chose to engage with a woman from
    The midwest, 10 years my junior all when my hormones were crashing after childbirth.

    What is MY value that he will leave me and our
    Child empty handed while he goes about his life and his job.

    She and my other sister are pushing me to “move on”. I want to, and believe me, I’m trying. I’m getting my emotional and mental health in order with therapy and educating myself about addiction, etc. I’m
    Trying to improve my spiritual life as well and trying to get to know and have a good, intimate relationship with Christ. Are those not enough for now? Do I really need to “plan” and “do something”? I can only do so much! My heart is tired. My brain is on shutdown. I can only look forward to Sundays and quiet time when I sit, journal and pray.

    I’m giving my husband what he wants and needs for the divorce. What else do I NEED to do? Can I just rest and pause while the world is seemingly
    Spinning out of control.

    I often picture myself kneeling by Christ’s feet and resting my head on
    His knees when I pray. I tell Him,
    “Lord, can I stay and rest here? I know You are working, Lord...While You are, can I rest?”

    My sisters really don’t buy the porn addiction. They seem
    To believe I’m “blaming” it denying the reality that he doesnt/did not love me
    Enough.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2019
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Ooch...that must have hurt to hear your sisters say he doesn’t love you. I believe he doesn’t love himself therefore he is unable to love anyone else.
    You are in the hands of the lord...he’s supporting you and loving you. If you have worry, pray...if you pray you have no need to worry.
    Have faith that everything works for the greater good. It may be painful right now...however you have to go through it to get to it. You have incredible inner strength, feel the pain, torment, unanswered questions and look for one night thing in everyday. YOU CAN DO THIS.
    Love and prayers coming your way...
     

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