Wife and I are working through my reboot

Hey! Your story sounds similar to my story with my now husband @Jak3. He lied to me and I eventually found out everything. It took us a while but we got much better at communicating about the topic. We still falter, but we went to couples EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) and we suddenly realized a lot of the things we were feeling when certain topics or questions came up. We were able to identify the emotions we felt when one of us asked something like, "How did you do with recovery today?" "Did you struggle with triggers" "How are you holding up in this process" etc. My husband really struggled and still does at times to talk about his addiction because he knows how much it hurts me. I told him I really want to talk to him about that, so I can process it, and we can move forward together. The thing that we worked on is communicating honestly, which can be very difficult when there are lots of high emotions at play. For me, I felt rejected, embarrassed, ashamed, humiliated etc. My husband was feeling shame, guilt, self-hate, hopelessness. We were able to discuss that those emotions came up during those tough conversations and were able to help each other through that.

ex. "Jak, I feel really vulnerable right now because we are discussing the genre you used to watch, and I feel insecure about it because I can never be that." He could reply, "I hear you and understand that, but know the addiction had nothing to do with you, I used for years prior to meeting you, and know that I love you, find you beautiful and you are safe right now"

It can be hard to do that, but being able to validate the person's feelings, accepting it, and trying to make them feel safer during a tough conversation can go a long way. My husband got into therapy, and it helped him get in touch with his emotions, and be able to talk about tough subjects and not give such short answers.

 

Welcome! It is great that the two of you are working through this together and that you have a great support system. It's very important to stay honest and responsiveness is key in communication too. I tend to get shot answers from my PA too a lot of time which gets frustrating for me. It means more to me when he offers information without me prompting bc it shows me he is serious about recovery and making this work. The more effort you put in on your own so that she doesn't feel she is doing the work for you or being the porn police, the better.
I also commend you on your empathy. I feel that some guys lose that skill in their PMO frenzy over the years.
It's important to make her feel loved & respected throughout this journey as well. Communication will help this as well. Educate yourself as much as possible, make lists, journal progress and share what your learning, your struggles and your progress with her.

Good luck on your journey!

 

Both of you ladies posted and neither of you mentioned the Boundaries thread?
Lol
Check it out, it's got alot of great resources in Reboot in Relationships section
Also, maybe think about a trigger calendar so you can keep track of your progress. Put everything in one place, watch the days get further apart.
And don't forget those pesky P-Subs! Get rid of them and make notes on which are triggers for you too!
They are just as bad as porn and lead to relapse!

Good luck!
And welcome to you and your SO!

 

@Adamj76 Hi, my wife and I have been married for 15 years. Although I am not Christian now I was brought up Christian and it wasn't until my early twenties that I really started to question how I was brought up. I was brought up that sex outside of marriage was a sin, that masturbation was a sin, talking about sexuality was wrong, and any urges "of the flesh" were shameful - I was told that I was going to hell for everything. How did I deal with all this shame? I clammed up, shut down, masturbated and created more shame.

My first instinct was to be silent, just like my parents. Anytime something outside the family and in the real world they came across that they didn't agree with, they were silent - didn't talk about anything. When I was having trouble with a bully in grade 5, my dad even asked if I could walk a different way home from school, to avoid the bully and not deal with it. I realize now that not talking and not feeling free to talk, is more damaging than I ever would've guessed. Not talking is avoiding the bully and not facing up to life's challenges.

I have an amazing wife, that is willing to talk and hold me accountable. Anytime I resort to old ways and clam up and be silent, makes matters worse. It is better to say the wrong thing than nothing at all, keep the conversation going. You have an incredible wife that is willing to stay by your side and help you through this, that is worth braking the silence. Feel free to message me if you ever need. I will also tag you to my intro post-it might help you.

 

Hi. I'm a SO and I just posted a thread about how my partner refused to discuss the pmo with me and many mentioned that it may be because he felt so horrible about fear he did. His guilt comes out as anger yours is just not talking. Women in general need to talk about things more than men. Women also often talk just to have a discussion they want you to listen and provide input. Men often are looking for the talk to solve a problem or as an argument they must fight to the death to win. A SO who has been lied to really needs to have open lines of communication with you. So my suggestion is if you can try to talk with her it will go a long way!

 

@GG2002 spot on analysis on gender communication styles/needs, from my experience. Communication is the bedrock of any good relationship, so (re)building in that area will definitely yield high value results.

 

What are P subs?

 

Porn substitutes... Pictures of girls in swimming suits and other provocative things... Anything that makes you aroused

 

HI @Adamj76 kudos for finally deciding to get the upper hadn on this awful addiction. stay in the fight. it will be worth it!

so lets just start by saying you are one lucky guy. you have been given a huge gift. you obviously have a very good and compassionate woman. Color yourself blessed. seriously.

Pay attention here: Our addiction continually finds new ways for us to feel like shit - true we absolutely deserve to - but it doesn't motivate most of us to do the right thing. instead it motivates us to seek relief -usually spelled PMO. So begin to see those feelings of self-loathing as your enemy trying to outsmart you. it's a cheap-ass trick - recognize it and don't fall for it.

you have the blessing of having your wife involved. it is a blessing - but it will be more work in some ways (which is a hint that it is the better way ;-) ) I'll be a tad more direct than some of the SOs have been to you: Your wife NEEDS your communication. If you fall to the trap of feeling guilty and clam up, it will eventually be worse for you. She will rightly feel she made the huge effort to show her unconditional love, and tried to help - and you weren't man enough to even talk.

So talk. it may not be profitable to discuss the details of your past (what genre, fav sites, etc) but what she needs is to know you are in the fight. that you care enough about her, and your marriage, to fight. if you are quiet she will eventually assume the worst.

Dude - she knows you. she knows your shit and still has chosen to love you. honor that and love her back by talking. it's hard, I get it (I still struggle with this too). Don't fall for the lie that she will never respect you again (because you don't feel worthy of respect) - that's you projecting male values on your woman. In an odd way her respect will grow if you demonstrate that you are willing to slay this dragon (even one as shameful as PMO) for her.

I wish you the best, brother. Please take this advice to heart.

 

I am a SO and yet to fully taclle this issue. Im my case the. Actual deceit and lies that hurts more. My DO has denied many things even thougj he has been blatantly caught out. It would just be such a HUGE and blessed relief to hear the truth even if it is a horrible truth. It would mean i could begin to trust him again.
My SO hates deep conversations and i know his lies are due to shame. I haven't tried this yet but i thought it migjt help him to admit the truth if i wrote a list of questions that only requires a yes or no answer. It might get the ball rolling for you to opening up to her. It would probably be a relief for you too to finally admit the truth? Let me know if you tru the questions list, I'm still plucking up the courage to ask my SO to stop PMO altogether.

 

I dunno about that. Then: a) you're spending time in advance worried about the answer being yes to all kinds of wacko deviant stuff. Guessing game isn't nice, because then they will think you hate them and less likely to admit whatever things they got into - usually there's only a couple habitual things, not everything under the sun. And: b) it's to easy to lie and say No. Especially when you've been lied to before, your confidence is only weakened if there are additional lies.

Open-ended questions are my advice. Never do the talking for them. Don't probe further. This is a very difficult and skilled field that basically requires a Therapist touch, not a burned love one. So, putting on the hat of a friend only, and not personally involved, ask about feelings and time spent and things like that... let all the details fall out of him/her spending time to talk, and don't push much, let further details to sate curiosity naturally come out of future conversations. I'm sure there's a resource for this. Things like "What happened." "How are you doing?" "What are you working on this week?" "Have parts of this been a struggle for you? -- In what way?" "Are there things I can do to help?"

For people that don't know how to talk, which means most men right off the bat, much less PMO reclusive types uswed to hiding in shadow, it will take a lot of patience to rebuild healthy communication. Psych appointments are generally weekly, right? Maybe you do an intensive couples meeting every week, and two other days of lighter and less probing discussion. Someone that's serious about recovery may be willing to talk about this whole thing multiple times a day, so stand by when the flood gates do open.

 

dude - you are SO not worthless. You would not be here, you wouldn't give a crap about your wife if you were worthless. that is the truth.

that's your addiction lying to your face to keep you trapped. don't believe that lie.

 

Yeah, @Adamj76. I know what it's like to have a lot of those feelings. Hang in there and it will improve over the time away from the junk. Glad you're here. You can see why so many are -- because it's supremely difficult and definitely requires focused effort addressing underlying issues. You're doing that with all the communication progress.

Agreed with @phuck-porn!, don't call your attempts or yourself worthless. I mean some of us need to feel bad enough about this thing to kill it. Your wife is clearly there with you knowing she wants you to be the best you she knows she can be. She's not worthless and she isn't wasting time. There's a higher platform waiting for you where you accept yourself for as imperfect as all we men are, and you will do a lot of good in this world for yourself, your family, and beyond.

 

Sorry wad meant to be SO ( significant other)!

 

Why is so hard to express yourself?

 

There should be a communication forum on here.

 

Because i had an ex who was verbally and rough with me whenever i raised any issues, always turned it round to be my fault for whatever he had done.
My current SO is different and does listen but has a tendency to get angry ( but not abusive)