Why do you stay? (Question for SOs?)

Stay with each other after the affair? There are many who do if the right steps are taken. Many couples can have a better/stronger relationship afterwards and that is something we, my hubby and I are effectively working towards.

 

One of the questions my husband asked me a couple of months ago was if I knew 22 years ago that we would be going through this, would I still have married him? I didn't tell him that I have asked myself that same question a few times over the past couple of years since DDay, and I have waffled, but after real self-examination, and real hindsight, I told him no. He asked why. I told him, "Because I would have missed all the good parts." And there have been more good parts than there have been bad, even with the addiction. Lots of fun and lots of love. So maybe that's it in a nutshell.

 

Exactly.

 

I just recently made the decision to leave him. I stayed for almost one year post d-day. When I found out he was addicted to porn, I justified his past betrayal and lying with the addiction. I was willing to forgive his past betrayal and work with him towards recovery. I started to research about porn addiction, I joined this forum, I kept searching for advice and answers and insight, all the things that he should have done. I was convinced that d-day and the realization of having betrayed my trust and lied to me too many times because of his addiction was enough motivation for him to find it within himself to want to change. But I had to find out the hard way that it wasn't. That he was just too good at hiding his porn habit from me for almost one year, that lead me to believe he was truly recovering. Although a part of me still kept suspecting things to not feel right, but never having enough proof to defy his gaslighting. If he had been committed to recovery and honesty to rebuild trust, I would have seen no reason to leave. But something keeps him from wanting to face the truth and shame about his addiction, and I just can't keep living with this mental stress of constantly having to worry about being betrayed or lied to or gaslit because of his denial. I'm hoping me leaving is what he needs to wake up, at least me staying hasn't been able to achieve that.

 

I do think it has hope of recovery. That’s why I’m pushing through and staying through this misery. I believe it has the potential to be a temporary downfall. And IF he does all the work, and we can grow from it and finally focus all sexual attention on one another and finally have a sex life, then our relationship would be perfect. So yeah, it’s horrible and unacceptable but potentially temporary. However, if he doesn’t do the work and nothing between us changes in a reasonable amount of time, this is not a sustainable model for any marriage. And it will have to come to an end.

 

You’re brave and strong. Best wishes to you in your future.

 

Thanks so much for your words. I can only say the same for you. I hope you will find happiness in your life, one way or the other.

 

I wonder, how does an addict find that willingness to recover? Do they have to lose everything first? Do they have to notice the effects on their own mind and body first? How did you find it, if it isn't too personal to say?

Well, on some level, I still do consider it my problem. To keep with the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy, I feel like I've left Mr. Hyde, but I haven't given up on Dr. Jekyll yet. I do feel relief that I don't have to live in fear and pain anymore, but I'm hoping he will come to his senses once I'm gone. I guess we are considering this more of a 'break' rather than a break-'up'.

We are not married, no children. He's only 22, so I'm sure his age might have something to do with him struggling so much. He also has a huge problem with deflecting feelings of guilt and shame, so that also doesn't help with his denial. We were together for 3 years, but half of those we were in long-distance.

 

Yes, love does have rational elements. Of course. I didn't quite word that right. As to your question do I feel cheated on. Yes, 100% without a doubt. There was also more than just the p going on, but like I said I have no proof. But the other things didn't last as long as the p. I was cheated out of love, intimacy, affection, a deeper connection, sex and so much more. I'm sorry, I have a hard to putting all this into words. I've struggled for a long time with all these feelings, thinking I was wrong to feel the way I do. It is only recently that I am understanding it isn't wrong. I'll stop now, this isn't what your asking. Simple answer is yes, I was cheated on.

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful reply. I guess that just goes to show how every addict is different with different life and personal situations, and needs different approaches to handling their addiction. I'm glad you have found yours and have been able to salvage your marriage.

I will keep my distance from him for now, emotionally and physically, but I won't give up on my commitment to him as long as I'm hopeful he can change.

 

I'll be honest, I see some people on here that complain about a SO that isn't trying and is making excuses. That used to be my fiance, even though some sexual issues (not being able to stay aroused). One time, he even told me that I should try doing keegles so that he would lose his arousal. The real reason was that he was just used to his own hand... I think about that day almost every time we have sex hoping that he is enjoying himself. Anyway.....

I stay because he's trying.. trying really really hard. He reads recovery plans everyday, he's put blocks on his phone, he deleted social media,he's on here everybday. He's doing so much to try and be better. Every time he relapses, I ache for a while (more than ache really. It's painful), but seeing him go harder each time, helps. I can't give up without fighting for us first. We are getting married in March, and I wish we could hold off on the wedding, but so much money and time would be lost. Even so, I know success is on the horizon if he keeps up with his routine

 

I'd like to add that he told me that while he was in he denial phase. He would never say something like that to me now

 

I have been with my bf for over a year. Before we got serious he told me EVERYTHING. He made it a point to make sure I knew all the secrets and dark places, so that he wouldn't lose me down the road if they came to light later on. I fully accepted him for who he is and what he has done.
He didn't however disclose his addiction. He brought up porn but it sounded like a regular guy thing,a once in a while thing. So I was ok with it. Hell, in the beginning, after I left my home of 6 years and moved in with him, I offered to watch with him when i noticed he spent all his time in the bathroom on his tablet. He never took me up on it.
He spent 4 to 6 hours EVERY day for the first 6 months watching porn. We had sex 3 times.
In March I told him if it didn't stop I'd leave. He said other women had asked this of him and he never would for them, but he'd do anything for me. On May 6th we had a huge Dday. I found out on my own what he had done the day before while I was working. I texted him and asked if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. I went to the bar and planned on getting a motel room and leaving. He found me and drug me home. He cried, told me he never meant to hurt me etc. I yelled, I cried, I hated him.
Parts of me still do.
But I've nevee lost respect for him. Never called him names, never degraded him for his addiction.
To answer your question I don't know.
Maybe it's because every relationship has that one issue. Whether it be your partner spending too much time with their friends or at the bar alone, cheating, lying, physical abuse etc. Maybe I'm just choosing to stay with the lesser of evils.

 

I’m In a rare situation. Many women will stay to keep their marriage and family together. We are not married and have no children together (my daughter from a previous marriage lives with us) I am financially independent and don’t “need” a man in my life. I could happily be single - but I WANT this man.

I’ve known our whole relationship something was wrong. Why wasn’t he trying to have sex with me all the time!? Especially in the beginning wasn’t this something that new couples do? Why won’t he look at me during sex? Why doesn’t he ever get a boner around me when I’m naked? Or when we cuddle?
This tore me apart. He has seen me cry about this many times. I’ve poured my heart out to him about how unattractive and undesirable he makes me feel. Every time he would see me cry about this he would tell me that it’s not true- that he does find me attractive and does want me. How the fuck was I supposed to believe him when all signs pointed the other way?
I tried to rationalize it. I got him off drugs/ his drug of choice was a very sexual type of drug that had him cheating on his ex and trying to sleep with lots of women. I thought that perhaps now that he’s off drugs he has lost his libido.
Yet the math didn’t add up. We were having sex twice a month max how is it possible that he’s not getting off either with someone else or to porn? When I’d ask about the porn he would say he doesn’t watch it. I knew it was a lie but my self esteem was already so fragile I didn’t want to believe that he chose to look at other naked women rather than have me. That was a pain that hurt me so deeply.

We got into a huge fight one night because I went to sleep and he stayed up. The next morning he left for work and when I came downstairs I realized that he jerked off while I was sleeping (sat in a blanket he used to clean himself and didn’t throw it in the wash) I was upstairs and he knew I was upset about our lack of sex and he waited for me to sleep so he could get off to the women on the stupid computer. They could get him off- I was either too ugly or not worth the effort.
Another time I was upset I asked to use his phone as mine was upstairs. I opened a browser and I saw some mature type porn (we are in our 30s but his ex is in her 50s so I struggle a lot with this) was he not into me because I am not old enough? Did he actually look for porn that reminded him of his ex??? That hurt me to the core. This time it felt like a personal attack... like he wanted her still. This was actually right before Dday.

During our relationship I have seriously contemplated plastic surgery so he’d be more attracted to me. I was looking at getting a breast lift and tummy tuck. I cried daily for many months because he showed no interest in me. Before this relationship every other man in my life made me feel truly gorgeous why didnt he see it?
From the outside everyone I am sure would tell me to leave this man. I would tell someone to leave if they didn’t feel desired. We don’t have children or a marriage and it would be fine if I left. I know that I can be happy single and I also know that I could get another man easily if I wanted. The reason I stay is because I want this man. He is my best friend and the person I want to grow old with.
I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if we will end up growing old together because we are only coming on one month of no PM. I wish that he would be more vocal with me about what’s happening with him. I never hear about his struggles or what triggers him and this has become a trigger for me. If I knew what was going on with him I would know he was invested and wanting to change- because I don’t know anything I am constantly left imagining what if. What if he is hiding it? What if he is lying to me.

So I stay because I want him... but I have become a little less cemented into the relationship than before dday.