Why do you stay? (Question for SOs?)

Absolutely I still love him. I have never stopped. But love isn't enough by itself.

1. The trauma of my step-dad walking out actually happened after Dday, and it took me by surprise how deeply it affected me. I was 6 when my mom and dad got divorced and it did not affect me much at all that I remember. But my mother is an amazing woman and was incredible during that time.
2. Yes.
3. Yes. And that we are good together. I pray that he get to where he needs to be eventually. But I can live with where he's at now.

 

I should clarify that if you were referencing changing my career path as a sacrifice reason for staying, I guess you could include that as part of our history, but that is not a direct reason. I mentioned it in response to your question in another post about if couples weren't married, meaning that I had no real ties to him at that time. Having made different career choices (for him or not) would not be a singular reason to keep me from leaving. I can support myself and my children if he were not in the picture.

 

Let me put it this way, I would never willingly leave my marriage without first knowing I put every effort into fighting for it. Until every effort is exhausted and beaten to death, I will not give up. I got married for life, and life throws all kinds of shit at you. Sometimes you have to be the monkey and throw the shit back.

 

You’re right, I am stubborn about this and I won’t go down easily.

I didn’t catch him in the act, ever. I just kept doing more and more research about what could possibly be causing his complete and total disinterest in sex, after exhausting all other possibilities, like the stubborn person that I am. Even though he tried to steer me away from the direction of porn by blatantly lying about it as well as throwing in scapegoats, I ended up eventually gathering enough evidence to come to the conclusion that porn is the culprit, and I confronted him with my knowledge. He fought me on it hard but I was clear that I was finished with the relationship if he didn’t start giving me honest answers so, the next day he came forward and admitted everything. He’s been in therapy and SA meetings since, and we’ve been in-home separated since his last relapse on Labor Day.

It absolutely was a red line for me but I was so intensely focused on responding in the best possible way so as not to deter him from being fully transparent with me (because truth was imperative to me at this point, after 7 years of mystery), that I eventually just got used to the idea and kind of fooled my own self that I was willing to work with it. My true honest feelings are that I feel completely betrayed, cheated on, done, I hate addicts of all kinds, I can’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and I wish so badly that we didn’t have kids so I could wash my hands of this injustice that was done to my life. But, because I am in this marriage and we do have these children and so much has been invested, I have nowhere else to go, and nothing else I can do but somehow try and live with it every single day of my life. Every day is its own battle. It’s like waking up in the morning after someone you love has died. Everything’s okay for a moment and then suddenly it hits you and it all comes crashing down on you and remember what your life has become. Nothing will ever be the same. I’m a shell of who I was, riddled with paranoia and craziness and distrust and fear and self-loathing. So, I guess it is a big bright bleeding red line in my life- I just can’t bring myself to end the marrige right now.

 

What I see is he’s more than the “Real him” that I knew. I see the things in him that appreciated and fel in love with but much more now.
With his revelations, dedication and personal growth has taken me by surprise to be honest. He’s the one coming up with his recovery and taking it seriously and really working it. After DDay 1 I was a bit skeptical on his commitment to change the behaviors so I did have wait and see period after dday2. I needed to see him committed to those changes for me to stay. I do thank him regularly for coming back to me.

I will say that his changes truly helped my healing more than anything. It also helped to forgive easily with the setbacks. He’s put 100% effort in building trust with transparency and communication with consistency. With as much as it hurt him to hear how his behaviors and treatment of me were he kept asking the questions, he wanted to know. He has been facing that part of himself for the first time and we are working through it. He may not know fully the man he wants to be yet but he has strong knowledge of the man he no longer wants to be. He had not only betrayed me but himself included.

I knew he watched he porn when got together, even then he told me I have a lot of porn, I asked him “do watch a lot of porn or have a lot of porn?” He said he a lot of porn but probably watched more than he should. I had no idea about PA 20 years ago. I told him I was fine with it but don’t lie, hide and it was ok if he wanted to now and again with in reason like if I was indisposed at that time of the month, separated by distance for my reason ya know the usual things and maybe we could even watch together now and again. I was very open about a lot of things. I told him I don’t have a problem with porn in general but if it causes problems with the relationship I would. Boy I had no idea what was in store for me years later with that thought.

He’s the one with his recovery that determined he was a PA then with his looking back on it with what he knows now. He would know better than I from before we met and in the beginning of our relationship, but no I never suspected the possibility. I don’t doubt it that he was a PA back then but I do know it wasn’t as prolific as it had become. If our life styles were different and more home bodies (PC at home but everything was downloaded movies that took forever) at the time he very well could have escalated sooner. Looking back I don’t doubt that he probably had watched more porn than I had realized at the time. Heavy porn usage was not something that ever occurred to me back then. Also our sexual intimate times were great, we were verymuch into each other and quite adventurous for many years, until it wasn’t.

No problem about porn is cheating, just wanted make the point that after everything that’s how my view changed and why.

 

We've been together for 16 years. I do have my suspicions that he has had contact with other women but I have no proof and he is denying it. Though I do have to ask more directly I guess. I've been putting it off.
Love isn't really rational, I can say if X ever happened I would leave but until it actually does happen I really don't know how I would respond. There is so much more to him and us than the PA and cheating, than the hurt and bad stuff. He is a good man and I love him. We have been through a lot together, good and bad. We both have lifelong autoimmune diseases and support each other. When he isn't under the PA(and other addiction issues) he is a wonderful person. No one is perfect, there is good and bad in everyone and we all fuck up. It is how we handle it, and he is handling it now. It took a long time but things are improving. If they weren't I would have left, I've reached my limit.

 

I would say you statement is correct. One thing I have told him is he is worth it, even when he didn’t believe it. he also took the steps after the hardships from addiction and help make it all worth the effort. I gave him a last chance after DDay #2 and took the ball and ran with it. It’s what I had hoped for.
I do have one very clear hard line boundary and that is if he sexual with another person again I will leave. No talking about it as I do have limits and I will not go another round of affair recovery. I know myself enough to know I could only see him as toxic if it were happen again after everything.

I can handle a relapse with porn but not the lying and secrets. I asked for 100% transparency. He offered that if it were to happen he would send me what he viewed. I often wonder if that is a part of why he hasn’t relapsed as well. He wouldn’t want to have to share that with me if it did happen.

I had addressed earlier how I now feel porn is cheating, to me it feels no different then the other infidelities especially after everything. Also knowing his escalating acting out from his PA to real life. It’s was all in secret, he would lie hide and put me at and my life at risk with his behaviors with porn. So yes without a doubt I see as cheating.

 

I think it's all encompassing. At least it is to me. It's not any one thing, or any couple of things. It's a conglomeration of all of these things and many more. In my mind, trying to pull apart individual reasons reduces a complex relationship and the people involved to simple, meaningless terms. JMO.

 

You seem to be looking for something in these answers. What is it exactly that you are looking to find out? Maybe we can try to answer you better.

 

I would say more so out of being naive. Probably some conditioning as well. “Every man watches porn”, “it’s harmless”, “it could improve your relationship”. Maybe the availability of it being different in 20 years.

I was also adventurous and sexually open and that could have also been attributed to my young rebellious side. That’s is something that definitely changed after the fact. My adventurous side has subsided with age now in my 40’s and also there are things that the door is shut now between us in that regard, I won’t go there again. I am being vague on purpose with that lat statement as I don’t think elaborating would be wise. I don’t think there is a one fit answer to that question. It’s probably a bit of all those things to try and answer your question.

 

I’m not sure I understand what your getting at. Would someone what after an affair?
I’m not following the last. If you could clarify for me?