Well, here goes nothing

Hello all...
I'm a 39 yr old fitness model with a terrible secret. While being the guy everyone is drawn to, i have watched porn and masturbated to the point of basic non-functionality.

I started masturbating when i was 8 or 9, using the pressure from a water wand in the bath, pressed tightly to my glans to achieve orgasm. Then, once we moved to a home with no water wand, i began rubbing my penis very hard in a circular motion against my abdomen. Because there was no lock on the door, i stretched my feet out against the door to keep it from possibly being opened. This pointed feet masturbatory habit has stuck since.

Fast forward to high school. Got my 1st BJ at 14 and couldnt climax. Lost virginity at 15 and couldn't climax. It took 3 years and many different girls to learn how to achieve orgasm. Once i did, it was off to the races. I couldnt only do it in certain positions and only if i pointed my toes.

I got into fitness hardcore in my early 20s and everyome thought i had genetically gifted calves..lol. If only they knew it was from 10+ years of jerking off and sex with pointed toes.

When high speed internet became the norm, my porn use escalated. I went through a couple bad 5 year relationships and when the sex went bad, my porn use skyrocketed even further.

At 31, i met my insanely attractive wife...and she has been dealing with me and my sex issues ever since. She is the 1st woman i have ever been faithful to and because i couldnt stand the thought of hurting her by cheating, i believe i found an escape from my ravenous libido through porn. There is so much more to this story, but it would take a full day to write it out to get an accurate depiction of all the issues .

I rarely get erections and never by just being with her. Im always in my own head revisiting scenes ive watched or recreated with various bar flies throughout the years. Ive always had DE...but can achieve orgasm if i can stay aroused long enough to stay in the game so to speak..albeit with my pointed feet, lol. Boner pills help for sure..though not 100%

Ive tried this briefly before but doubted its efficacy. Ive seen urologists and therapists. Checked out fine. Im out of options and excuses. No more deathgrip, no more porn, no more pointed toes. The only issue is that we are trying for baby #3 and without the pointed feet, I'll never be able to climax.

Should I abstain from porn and masturbation and tackle the toe pointing thing later so that we can get pregnant or what? Im unsure about that. Anyway, wanted to share a bit of my story and see how it goes. Wish me luck!

 

Doing well. Wife and i had relations last night and i failed twice to stay hard and to climax. I took half a blue pill last night and was able to finish this morning. I forgot to mention that without pointing my feet, sex (oral,vaginal, anal, masturbation ) feels like nothing. Almost like a switch is being turned off and on. Dont know if it's psychological or a crazy nerve issue or something. The urologist was uninformed about that issue. It's a little embarrassing.

I am currently on day 6 of no fapping and no porn. I feel frustrated and skeptical, only because i believe that im a true weirdo and that nothing will help me. But, im in it to win it. I will not break

 

I have huge issues with erections. Its to the point now where it's not a guarantee to get an erection, even while fapping to my favorite porn...much less with a real live person. So, i am in the mood to watch porn at any time basically, but not with my wife. We have had a lot of fun sexually, such as a couple FFMs, but even then i couldnt get hard. Believe me, its humiliating

 

I need to add that feeling guilty about the FFM may have been part of the problem. I truly believe that she only agreed because she felt so horrible for me, like she wasnt enough or something. Thats another thing..this whole escalation thing has gotten me to where im fantasizing about my wife and mother of my children doing things i would have never thought about. Thats my belief anyway

 

I would love to do a 90 day hardmode reboot..but with her having baby fever, i was hoping i would get some benefit from her stimulation only in the meantime

 

The 20mg c-pill def helps the situation..lol. but, not every time for me which makes me feel like even more of a loser. She is very supportive, so i dont fear her leaving me, but i do feel badly that doesnt think she is enough. Sadly, until i can kick this whole porn thing, she never will be. Im routing for you brother

 

Rooting for*

 

I agree 100%. Just wish i could predict when she is going to get pregnant..lol. im excited to do this. Thanks for your input.

 

Thank you! My goals are as follows...

1. Be able to see my wife as the sexy woman that she is, instead of seeing her as a second choice to porn.

2. Be able to get hard and stay hard without any sort of help in the pill form just by kissing her or something subtle and not having to touch myself to do it.

3. Be able to enjoy sex and all of its pleasures in the moment and not having to fantasize to maintain arousal.

4. Actually be able to feel what i should feel. I mean i can sense touch everywhere in my penis..but, it feels more like touching my arm and doesnt feel "sexual" in that it could never bring me to climax without serious concentration, deathgrip, and porn...and pointed toes, of course

 

No porn or fapping. Only sex with wife.
Become normal..lol. I have absurdly strong willpower. Not saying this will be easy, but once i put my mind to it, i WILL accomplish it.

 

If i am able to reach climax via bj or sex with feeling like i just ran a marathon, thats a win. I also have this thing where i have to kegel to climax as well. Im so weird and screwed up man that i have no choice but to follow through. Sex feels like my penis is wearing jncos.