Hi I need some advice. So, I entered a new relationship with my partner 18 months ago. I’m told I’m a very attractive woman and my whole life I’ve had no problems with guys being attracted to me. All this changed when I met my current partner. I understand he’s attracted to me, I know he loves me, but things weren’t working down below and 18 months later still the same which is odd. So abit about my bf, he’s nearly 50.. and was single about a massive 20years possibly 30!! Naturally he’s going to... watch porn if single which I totally understand! However I’m all for helping someone.. who can admit / acknowledge they have a problem but sadly he’s the worst sort.. deny deny deny! This makes it a hundred times worse in working together to find a solution. Too much pride admitting porn pied Ed is the reason he’s having problems down below. I feel because he’s maybe ashamed / embarrassed etc or I think more so admitting it after trying to say for so long he’s not watched porn will undo all the lying he’s done... is a total nightmare in communication with this topic. But I’m a very experienced woman with lots of life experiences and for a fact know he’s got pied. He went to the doctors.. to see what is going on with him and why his dick is always asleep..( flat line) many times have said there is no need to see a doctor and they won’t find anything medically wrong with him because it’s not his health that’s affecting his erectile dysfunction it’s his previous porn problem. Now, again I understand he had to do that whilst single but the science behind it means there will be a super long road to recovery! Just confused to how long and what to expect in this recovery. I’m asking on this because he doesn’t talk. I also understand and am educated on the fact everyone’s recovery rate is different and also depending on how long he’s been exposed to porn( a massive 20/30 years!) it which brings me to this issue of why he’s having erection problems 18 months on if he’s not watching porn! ( his words) The issue I have “now” tho, is admitting it and working through it. Instead if I ever bring it up ( naturally will as it’s hugely affecting my sex life also and confidence) he chooses not just to ignore the matter but ignore me. It’s selfish and massively childish especially when really I should be comforted as it’s being going on throughout our whole entire relationship which is testing as many couples split up.Ive stuck by him and so I should at least get some kind of kind words or support but I don’t. It’s very much like this.. I knew what the problem was and he simply doesn’t like that I no! Im very much understanding that this also massively affects him, and has a knock on effect gives performance anxiety... but again because there’s no communication or admitting things I can’t fully give the support he needs! Things could be much easier if the honesty and communication is there and upsets me knowing many men choose this path with their partners but I get nothing but silence and awful atmospheres when addressing it! So it really has been an emotional rollercoaster the whole time, I get it will take months if not years to recover especially the longer someone had been watching it..! I understand I need to be realistic about that, but I also get confused after reading many posts saying improvements should show if that person doesn’t look at porn in as little as 90 days. The issue is... is this still happening .. so I know where we stand not just him. I get that it’s actually a long time for men battling with pied, but I need answers because if he’s being truthful ( very very debatable) in saying he’s not watching it anymore.. why on earth is he losing his erection mid sex still?!! The first few months were ok .. but I soon realised it was a big lie.. as his erections were tablet induced. From a woman’s perspective.. this is masking the problem!!! It’s like saying ... continue with watching porn, she won’t know anything or complain all the time you use these magic blue pills!! So yes I fell for that for months thinking sex lifes sorted and problem solved and I was desired. The thing is I’m a smart person and have been through this sadly before and have knowledge. I was absolutely baffled to find one min he had erection problems to.. another where we’d have sex perfectly fine.. only he’d get hard again not long after!!! These are classic blue pill signs!! The confusion was there as it just didn’t make sense flat line one minute to sex twice in one go!!! I knew there and then after a while of this pattern he was using the pills!! Again tho bearing in mind this is a person extremely hard work to deal with on the communication front so admitting it would not happen. So again I got lies, this is also why I struggle with all of it as it’s hard knowing if anything he says is ever true. It’s caused so many problems and I’ve had breakdowns many times thro lack of honesty in itself! So I done my detective work looking for the tablets.. and not to my surprise as I always knew... I found them hidden in a little tube! Again showing the level of deceit here, I asked to his face was he taking them.. ( actually holding them) but he couldn’t see that.. and STILL lied saying he’s not allowed got them!!! So as you can see it’s been a very very ugly journey not to mention lack of honesty throughout the entire thing so there’s no support both ends. There were many ultimatums. I get recovery is hard, addictions I understand. But being honest helps that. It also helps me understand as his partner why it’s taking so long. If he relapses then Atleast il understand why things are not working.. rather than attacking myself. There should be more support groups for us women on the receiving end definitely! Some days we have sex it’s ok.. but others not, it’s odd, being hard but losing it mid sex. All the excuses I got were laughable because he didn’t have any erection problems when using porn. It then stops my excitement because 101 things are racing thro my mind because there’s no honesty like is this happening because he’s still choosing to look at porn. Also during sex I’m forever and again naturally thinking what porn is he thinking of when sleeping with me...! It hard not to think this as it’s so widely available. My theory also comes down to the fact he only sleeps with me super late at night in pitch black. Basically there’s no desire or interest in looking at me. But because it’s denied so quickly and angrily... I’m just left ignored and neglected constantly trying to work it all out on my own when I confront him. When we’ve had rows ( naturally over this), he’s packed and gone back to his place ( we usually live at mine). This is where I know for a fact hel porn binge and basically all the hard work is simply undone. Again tho there won’t ever be admitting this!!! But the signs are obvious. He doesn’t work, and at home all day with no responsibilities.. sleeping in till 4 pm and going to bed very early like 5 am. Again this lazy life style a massive breeding ground for porn behaviour. What’s odd is this constant need when ... in a relationship. Again I’m a very attractive woman. It’s soul destroying. All is always denied. But I need to get to the bottom of this because I get no answers ( honest ones) he’s got too much pride in the wrong places even at a cost of a very good relationship. Im a sexual person and I’ve had to massively change and suppress who I am just to fit in with him. Because of this porn problem he’s had before getting with me, I’ve had to almost kill my own sex drive. I now don’t initiate it from total fear of rejection and to know I’m wanted or if he’s in the mood only wait for him to initiate it now. It’s been a horrible experience to be honest. Again I can’t stress how hard it’s been .. in enabling myself to support him when I don’t get anything back. How can we get through this when most of it’s been based on no communication and lies. I’m all for recovery but not if he doesn’t want to genuinely help himself, I understand slip ups, we are all human but again because there’s zero communication it’s hard to work through it! It’s like he’s had to lie to somewhat protect my feelings for SO long now, he can’t back down now..! It’s almost an immature game than maturely correcting the problem. I’m only 38 but look like I’m in my 20s a lot say, I look after myself, always present myself, wear make up, hairs nice, wear sexy clothes but it’s hugely affected me too, to the point I feel what is the act point in looking nice? I don’t get noticed/ complimented, and I’ve suffered enough I think.Im ten years younger than my partner and often I’d sit in skimpy nighties... one time half naked and he just... fell asleep.!! I’ve realised by this awful addiction that sadly it really doesn’t matter how sexy and gorgeous you are.. you are simply nothing compared to what’s shown in porn.I do no I’m NOT the problem , but it’s sad knowing I’m not enough. Even to try with. Many times I feel unworthy and invisible . It totally ruins a woman’s confidence too. I just want to get to the bottom of why 18 months on he’s still going limp..( after admitting he’s not watched porn since getting with me) which personally I believe is a total lie. Is this still the recovery? Again I get the longer the porn watching the harder it is.. so I’d say is there any hope for someone whose watched it from id say 13 till 48?! It angers me if this is still happening knowing changes need to be made.. but again because I’m left in the dark I wouldn’t no if he’s still watching it! He usually gets extremely happy when I leave the house.. and I’ve worked out this is when he plans his “wank” I call it. It’s hugely messed me up because I feel very on edge when doing things like the shopping or visiting family, how I live is very ugly all because of this. I’m a petite busty blonde and I feel if I can’t help satisfy him seriously what can and more to the point what type of porn is he watching to be this desensitised! Many times I’ve educated him on the facts of pied, saying he needs to touch me more ( a real body) to re wire his brain, again I’m all for change but I feel he just doesn’t want to try. Instead I get sex when it’s very late at night ( 1am) before going to bed in the complete dark. How’s this training yourself to be visually stimulated with me if you can’t see me? It’s just weird and this is why I still believe porn is being used. My confidence used to be so high, now I doubt myself which I never thought I’d do, it’s almost like I’ve had to just put up with it and I feel ugly and old before my time now. I feel I have to have no sex because of him, again I’m sympathetic to what the damage has done.. but not when he knows what needs to be done in saving our relationship and choosing to ignore it/ me. How am I in a relationship. It’s more like living with a best mate. I feel he only sleeps with me because he feels like he has to or for a typical needed release, not because he genuinely wants to. This is the big affects it’s had on me. I get to the point I stop trying ... but feel deep down this is what he wants. Sex is now about once every two weeks..! They say to do what it takes to help the urges or temptations of looking at porn/ other women, I do believe it’s a choice, but I’ve read forums giving ideas on how to take certain measures.. like installing a porn blocker on the phone, I had to get rid of his amazon fire stick which I realised he used to watch this stuff... and went Beserk when I got rid! I feel it’s all one sided and he’s not really interested in sorting this out and taking the other extra steps in saving our relationship. I do also feel he’d still continue with this habit if it wasn’t detected/ noticed during sex and resents “me” for everything. I feel he misses looking at so many different sexy apps this is why he’s always miserable. I do feel reading this back at times I’ve endured far too much. I even caught him perving at my neighbors and I had to keep my kitchen blinds constantly shut. I’ve stood by him, felt like an idiot many times as I do know I deserve more, so I feel in return I expect abit more than being ignored from all of this...! My question still remains... if someone is not looking at porn for 18 months.. should sex mid flow still be a struggle? Help...
Thankyou very much for your kind words, honesty and advice! I’ve attached a photo of myself, in response to the whole am I afraid others not finding me attractive, very fair point of course! But not the case, many express their desire for me on social media etc it’s just how he’s made me feel regarding me and him if that makes sense! I feel old and past it when around him and not alive, there’s no passion. No desire at all tho..! I’ve had many long term relationship in the past and no what it feels like to be wanted! So this even though 18 months on is still very new to me! I’m not happy living this way and almost forced into accepting this rather unaffectionate way of life! I have tried to leave because of purely this issue many times.. but again I can’t go into it but the effect of that is unheard of..! I feel I just can’t even leave as I get hugely emotionally black mailed. It’s hurtful how I’m treated and yes very aware I shouldn’t have to go through this! He punishes me if ever I discuss the issue, and yes has broken me trying to fix him! 18months on and still no improvement Is just shocking. I feel honestly like I’m stuck in a stale marriage and really should still be in the honeymoon period! He also with holds information too from the doctors because he knows deep down I know what he has! It’s just total denial! And yes I’m alone in working thro this because there’s zero communication and support. One time he left me upstairs whilst he turned to pleasing himself and ignored me because I worked out what happened! I get why men do this especially if their partner doesn’t want sex but I’ve not ever said no in that department! It’s the whole wanting to look at others than with me that’s wrong, and not doing anything to try to save us does speak volumes. Only last week I had to write a big txt message to him because sadly I can’t physically talk to him.. and said for my own sanity if things still haven’t improved by next year I just have to end it. I got ignored. Sadly my personality itself struggles with a very immature selfish one! I appreciate your reply.
Thankyou again, if only my partner has this communication! Sadly his pride will result in him being alone. Yes it has very deeply damaged me to the point I’m on edge ALL of the time! In the earlier stages I used to have very bad breakdowns, to which he’d just sit there and watch rather than comfort me.i also agree that you could be the best looking woman in the world etc as I’ve said in my first post, and like you said that’s just null and void because it’s the variety and selection that’s out there! It must be pretty extreme to still not maintain an etection 18 months on, but as I said I’m no fool and believe he’s still getting the odd look! It’s an ugly experience and existence especially as I no I can be desired properly. Another massive indicator is I have his phone password.. therefor hel delete everything.. which again just speaks volumes! I definitely do need to have a big think of what I’m going to do tho as it’s literally destroying my rights to a decent relationship and as a mum it’s unhealthy on my daughter to witness me constantly low on antidepressants
Not having a satisfactory sexual relationship is an important reason to break up. Also how you deal with sex it says a lot of who you are as a person and being a selfish lover and not fixing his problems shows a lack of love and empathy towards you. Very selfish. It's sad but it's better to move on you'll be more happy that way. Or consider giving him an ultimatum a last warning and if zero improvement in a time frame you leave him
Thankyou for your reply and input. I totally get why many say to leave this relationship. I’m still tho, not getting the answer I am looking for of .... if 18 months without porn ( I’m being told) should sex still have problems mid way ( lose erection) please can I have some options on that. Much appreciated
Well, first check if everything is good in health issues. Blood sugar and pressure, prostate, colesterol, metabolic syndrome, vascular. See if there's an underlying psychological cause. If all these factors are normal porn can cause the dysfunction and probably if a reboot done right it should be an improvement at 18 months. It depends also on his physical condition, the age, too many years of abuse. The body cannot recover very easily. Also this is all shoots in the dark is pointless talk because the patient meaning your couple doesn't see anything wrong with it and doesn't reveal what is causing the problem. Noone gives a direct answer to you because it's not about porn addiction it's about how he's acting as a partner what is the most troublesome. Anybody can have a relationship problem but if the other person denies it or doesn't work on it that means leaving the person. There's no point in trying to fix someone if he doesn't want to.
Hi , and thanks for your honest but very valid point. I totally agree there that he’s just not into trying to change or better not only our relationship but himself! The issue he has I very much believe is too much pride.Help and communication means addressing and admitting he has a problem and the whole situation is about lack of that, so it’s a case of why should I bother helping if he’s just not willing to help himself! It’s shocking the distance and atmospheres should I ever calmly approach him and talk about these issues which are very important issues! I think he has slight narcissistic traits and with that it’s usually game over! I must work out what “I” need to do for the best because I feel I’m literally living his way and not mine!
Hi and thankyou for that. Yes it is seeming that way especially as a relationship is a two way thing!
Others have already chimed in, and I agree with their assessment, communication and trust are vital in a relationship, since he's not doing his part on either of the above I think you should leave him, not for his porn addiction and pied but because he's not willing to do anything about it, also to be an example to your daughter. The only respectable thing to do is to leave, there is no shame or guilt involved, sometimes it just doesn't work out, and the dude is 50, the older they are the less likely they will change their ways. Those are my two cents, think about your daughter and leave, good luck.
Thank thankyou very much for that. Just an update, tried to be intimate last night and worse than losing the erection half way, there isn’t one at all now! Foreplay for what seemed an hour and no life at all! I feel my question is answered.. i just felt really broken and said your obviously still watching porn because there is absolutely nothing medically wrong with you and it’s actually getting worse! His reply.. a very unconvincing “ no I’m not and you no I’m not”! There was nothing much after that and I was left extremely frustrated and had to deal with it yet again! I ended up saying I was so lonely and desperate for answers I had to join this site. I explained in the best way I could that everyone said it’s pied related. Given the history of our comm.. the reply to that was- your talking to other men. There’s just no empathy to see the last resorts I had to take in trying to get answers. No woman wants to feel lied to or second to porn, I don’t get honesty but it definitely shows during sex that he’s still obviously in need to still watch this stuff, at my healths expense.,I’m just at the point of feeling not good about this anymore, I’m young and attractive and don’t feel this is what I signed up to. I’m expecting a few days of atmospheres now....
My husband is 53, has been an addict since 11 or so. He had de when we married, caused by porn, then at 45 pied. He had pied for 5 years 45-50, began recovery work. It took 4-6 months before pied went completely away. He’s been in recovery for 3 years now, any time he slips and looks at porn or masturbates he starts to lose his erections. When he’s clean, there are no issues with sex at all. We have sex on average 2-3 times a week compared to once every 2 weeks when he was using.
I am what is considered a handsome guy with fairly enough social skills to find a partner and I find myself ashamed and frustrated to be unable to give and have pleasure when having sex. I PMO for a very long time but lately, the PIED problem took a huge place in my sexual life, and I'm trying to understand how to overcome it. I said this because I think that your partner should have the same feeling but unfortunately, he is unable to put words on it. For me is becoming unbearable to look at a sexual partner deceived after a PIED episode and the idea to have a healthy relationship with someone is getting blurry...I want this to change and I'm sure that your partner wants it too. He is very lucky to have someone like you who is willing to help and make this journey with him but it's important that he realizes that he has a problem. I hope the best for you and your partner and that, in the future, all this process will be just one bitter souvenir in a happy life.
Thankyou for that useful information. I believe I’m with someone still happy to look at it at a cost of a good relationship and I’m getting to the point I’ve had enough. There’s NO admitting he’s looking at it.. and sadly for him the actions tell me. I think I need out of this because I feel I don’t have a sex life. He’s made no attempts in saving it and all I ever get is a late night fumble in the dark. I’ve never had a partner this un interested in me before. It’s weird how I have to beg him for sex and to be honest it’s a massive turn off! The secret porn binges are clearly catching up with him.. because like most have said 18 months porn free there should be big differences by now!
Hi there and thankyou ever so much for your kind words. Sadly yes your right I do believe he’s not appreciative of a good person as myself. The only way to recover in anything is to communicate and own the problem but I get the child like responses instead of I don’t do it.what is totally hideous is one time we didn’t have it for over a week.. he disappeared downstairs claiming to do some painting (4am) I initiated sex as I knew what was going on.. and after a week of no sex... sadly not surprised tho was a tiny tiny drop of c**. So his actions give away his behaviour no matter how much he talks the talk ( often). It’s refreshing talking to someone who communicates if I’m honest so thankyou and you will have a wonderful partner like you deserve!
