Understanding emotional betrayal

Emotionallydistant · May 14, 2018

Starting yesterday i was a real shithead to my wife. First off we were together in the morning and i did not realize the chaser effect that i was going to have. One big trigger for me is morning masturbation. So i have since made changes to my weekly morning routine. However i did not think that morning sex would end up in the same place. It did, i did not cuddle or stay with her in the moment afterwards instead i started planning out the rest of the day. Following this i also gamed while in the bathroom this has also been a gateway for me in financial cheating i would not even admitt to myself that this was a problem because i wasn't spending money. However t last time i quite porn i Got heavily into online gaming a spent money and kept the spending secret. Following this the day was ok for awhile until we went shopping and while i was waiting outside my wife changing room a lady came in and made a big deal. My wife was cool however this made me feel very guilt and exposed. Uncomfortable emotions another trigger. And finally i has been reading a hood book called Out Of the Dog House. This book is very blunt amd will make you understand what your partner is experiencing. This again triggered guilt. Instead of approaching the conversation with my wife with a question about how she was feeling i went straight to pitty party for me. This alternated her and made her feel hopeless and like crap. A big thing that im trying to do is get away from my selfish behaviors but i keep reverting. If any of you out there have thoughts please let me know because my wife is awsome and i hate making jer feel so betrayed and hopeless.

TheMightyQuinn · May 15, 2018

Hi there,

I'll share my experience with taming my selfish and self-seeking self. Note, I did most of this work in a group following a formal plan called the 12 steps. But the principles may be applied anywhere. The only requirement is that they not be done alone, they require an AP to work with.

These are the things I did:

- wrote down my selfish thoughts and behaviors
- wrote down specific examples of those thoughts and behaviors
- wrote down what I was feeling when I did them: self-centered, jealous, entitled, justified, self-pity, etc
- shared this with my AP. Took some time and sit down with my AP and admit all of these flaws in my character that resulted in my behavior. Made as full and honest a confession as I could.
- started practicing the opposite of these behaviors. Tried doing it _before_ the feelings that led to the bad behavior come up. For example for you, don't wait until you have an urge to start gaming. You now know why and when you do this so come up with a plan to do some other action that is "being of service" to your partner or your relationship. For example, if you normally go into selfish gaming person mode every night after dinner, instead, clean up the kitchen, pack the kids lunches, go outside and weed the garden, take out the trash, whatever.
- asked god, the universe, the greater good, or whatever I believed in to help me do this. The point of this is not to put a specific name or face on God, but you can if you have such a view, but to get outside of myself and connect me with the world around me. It is to join the world, instead of putting myself at the center of it.

Every time you feel an urge to do something selfish, do something for someone else. In time, you will change your behavior and possibly your entire world view.

I hope this helps. Peace to you in your recovery,
-Quinn

Emotionallydistant · May 15, 2018

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post.

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Understanding emotional betrayal

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