Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 718.

Last night I began doing exercise again, slowly to get back into it again. I started with simply 60 pushups, and then did 30 more this morning. I plan on doing the same tonight too. I will probably do 60 reps at a time for now, then up it to 90.

Today has gone well, I've written my daily journal and wrote in my podcast journal. Keeping these up is actually making me feel good about things.

Work has been pretty good as well, not too busy, so I've managed to do a load of things that I never get time to do, which kind of makes me feel a little accomplished.

Tan and I are off tomorrow, and we have a few things to sort out. We are having new gas and electricity meters fitted, so we will have a bit of tidying to do in preparation for that.

We will also be going to visit family to show the baby scan photo we got on Monday. We're excited to share it with everyone.

I will likely be trying to make some progress on our Russia trip, attempting to sort the visas out again, which is proving much more complicated and stressful than I had expected...

 

Day 719.

Today has gone quite well, this evening the kids were being a pain, but otherwise, it's been quite a pleasant day.

Up earlier than we wanted due to both kids being a bit snuffly, we got up and got the kids ready, and sent the eldest to school dressed as batman for world book day. We then tidied up for the longest engineer appointment I've ever experienced to change our gas and electricity meters to "smart" meters (they are installed but still not properly working). We changed the water in the fish tank, played with the youngest for a while then went for a trip to see grandma to show off our baby scan picture (after she was told what everything was, she proceeded to try and assign a sex according to "science").

We picked our eldest up from school, then went to a dentist appointment for the kids. We were then told that the dentist wouldn't see the kids as they have got a runny nose, because they might have coronavirus (covid-19). I was quite shocked and made a couple of remarks to the (admittedly innocent) receptionist before leaving. Tan and I have had a pretty big rant about this now, but I still think it's stupid, rather than cautious, I mean in this season, everyone has a cold...

Anyway we then went out for food with the kids, where there was a weird kids party on, so now they've got even more sweets to add to their Christmas haul, and then put them in the bath for bed.

Tan and I have been lying in bed since as we just couldn't face going downstairs, we are tired...

 

Day 720.

Work has been good today, and I'm glad to be finished for the weekend off with Tan and the kids, not that we have any great plans, just it's nice to be off and to spend time together.

This evening has been nice; Tan is on a late shift tonight, so I had to pick the kids up on the way home from work. While I was at my dad's picking the kids up, we had steak and chips (the kids enjoy a medium cooked steak at ages 2 and 4). Steak was a pretty good surprise to get in to, but it has led to a bit of a late night for the kids (not that it will lead to a lie in in the morning...).

I've completed my journals and listened to a couple of podcasts today, and I'm gonna do my exercise again tonight, making it 4 in a row (not too impressive, but it's gotta start somewhere, and celebrating the small milestones will hopefully help make it to the bigger ones).

Tomorrow, I'm not 100% sure what the plan is, other than to mop the floor (after the kids have splashed yoghurt all over it) and take some books back to the library. We will have to finish off the Russian visa debacle as well, so we will be able to apply for it on Thursday in Edinburgh. Fingers crossed the coronavirus doesn't make all of the effort a waste of time!

 

Day 723.

The weekend has been okay, Saturday we didn't do a huge amount. We bought some fish after we had some breakfast out (where the kids ate barely anything (though our youngest did eat nearly 3 poached eggs) even after they begged us to go out. Admittedly our eldest did feel unwell, but nevermind, we went to buy some fish for the fish tank after that.

We got home, rehoused the fish in the new tank when Tan ended up feeling pretty groggy and tired (she is under the weather too, coupled with pregnancy meant she wasn't doing too great) so she went back to bed for a while. While tan was in bed, I vacuumed and mopped the whole downstairs with the kids playing around me (surprising that Tan got any sleep...).

Not a huge amount done but still pretty knackering.

Yesterday Tan and I had an argument about me stressing about sorting our visas to Russia. I have been getting stressed because its not been all that straight forward, and we have quite a short time frame to get everything sorted out, though now I'm worried if we will even be able to go there...

We went to Tans parents for Sunday lunch later and I finally completed the applications to print out and take to apply at the application centre (fingers crossed for no more problems).

Today has been okay, works not been too bad, but on leaving work picking the kids up and getting them ready for bed, Tan informed me that she received a phone call from her midwife, telling her of some iffy blood test results (positive for Syphilis). Now obviously this has now led to further arguments, but to cut to the chase, I am adamant that it is a false positive (apparently there is an increased risk of false positive during pregnancy).

She was told that there was a false positive during her last pregnancy as well, but we weren't told as it was double checked and came back negative. The problem this time is they didn't have enough blood, so have had to request more, meaning it wasn't automatically double checked.

Needless to say this has compounded Tans stress levels, and has sent us backwards yet again. Tan will have more blood taken on Wednesday, so unfortunately until then things won't be great.

The annoying thing from my point of view is that I totally trust Tan, and I know that it hasn't come from me, so I'm confident of the result being false, but Tan has no reason to trust me over this, so this is another stab in the back to her, and means that she is reeling from another punch to the gut. I hate that I've caused this mistrust, and what it's doing to Tan, especially while she is pregnant. All I can do is focus on consistency in my recovery, and trying to remain supportive through all of this.

 

Day 724.

Today has been okay. Tan had her first full morning sickness vomit this morning, which I have cleaned up this afternoon. Feels like a milestone of the pregnancy, though I think she sees it quite differently...

I listened to a podcast this morning which got me thinking about how blind I was before I started my nofap journey to how bad things were in our marriage, and how I couldn't even see that I had a problem.

I would watch porn and M most opportunities I got, and to look at in that sense, how could I not see that it was a problem. It essentially dominated my life, and I was blind to it.

Looking back, I can't imagine spending all my free time masturbating, and I think I've become a lot more mindful of my mood, and how it can be triggering, though I'm still not very good at communicating it with anyone, and I need to focus on that. Push through the discomfort and speak when I'm in a situation where I know I would ordinarily have succumbed to PM.

Anyway, I'm sat eating pizza now, waiting for Tan to get in from work. Got a little more tidying to do then bed to start again in the morning.

 

Day 725.

Today has been manic at work, busy and stressful, but I'm off tomorrow so I'm thankful for that.

We're going for our visas tomorrow so fingers crossed that it goes okay, and the coronavirus doesn't stop us going out to Russia and celebrating my best friends wedding.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to our day trip strangely, not that I expect it to be particularly exciting but it's a drive out.

Tan had some more bloods taken today, and the doctor actually expects the tests to come back negative, and went through her family history to see what could be interfering with the first result.

 

Day 726.

We journeyed 3hours North to apply for our visa that took 5-10mins, to drive straight back again. It was pretty good though, and Tan and I had some good laughs on the way there and back.

We stopped for food on the way, which was good, had some Greek gyros which were excellent, but the shopping mall we called into to visit the restaurant was very quiet. I can only put it down to the coronavirus.

Even though we were stuck in the car most of the day, it has been a pretty good day spent together, fingers crossed our visas come through okay now.

 

Day 728.

Yesterday was okay, busy and stressful day at work (but what can you expect when I work in an NHS lab with coronavirus going around), but it went okay still.

We had a quite early night last night, but still ended up knackered this morning.

We woke to the kids, and the news that we likely will not be holidaying in May (though at this point it was kind of anticipated). None the less, we are still disappointed, but not to worry.

Today has been good otherwise. Tan was on a late shift this evening, leaving me to see to the kids. I have spent the afternoon cleaning and tidying, doing washing etc which has obviously been very interesting for the kids. We did play a couple of games and have a bath though, so they can't complain too much...

Tomorrow we are taking the kids to the cinema, fingers crossed its still open as well. It has been planned for a while and it'll be yet another disappointment for the kids if we can't go to that as well.

 

Day 729.

Today has been pretty good. We went to the cinema this morning to watch the new trolls film with the girls, and it was a lot quieter than I had expected. Made it easy to get in and out though, and the kids loved it anyway.

We've had Sunday lunch after, which was nice, and we talked about our holiday being cancelled, which obviously isn't great, but we talked about just having it later in the year, though obviously we will have a new addition to the family by that point

We have been to visit my dad, brother and gran this afternoon as well, which was also spent talking a lot about coronavirus, but we were trying to put my gran at ease about things, as she has been panicking and over thinking everything in her head.

So far, we haven't heard anything stopping our trip to Russia, but we aren't holding our breath at this point...

 

Day 731.

Today marks 2 years of my nofap journey. I've had a lot of ups and downs since starting, but I feel like I'm in a good place at the moment on my path.

Today I started off feeling a little down, but through the day I felt better. Partly from coronavirus ruining plans of weddings and holidays, and partly due to money troubles.

The day today has been busy, and I've had to drive to another hospital for part of the day to process some of the specimens. I feel quite accomplished from it, but it meant that I ended up having a lot of work to do this afternoon, and I'm sharing my space with other departments at the moment, meaning that my time has to be more accurately managed.

Tan has been told that she has to stay off work now, for 12 weeks, as she has been deemed high risk for Covid-19, so isn't able to work on the "front line" as a community nurse during this outbreak.

Anyway, here's to 2 years, and I look forward to many more porn free years to come.

 

Day 732.

Today has been good (and I don't mean to be repetitive) but very busy and a little stressful at work.

I feel pretty good in my plan, and I've stuck with my dailies pretty solidly since starting, and I'm doing exercise morning and evening. It's making me feel pretty good about the direction we are going in.

I have felt a little down due to money troubles at the moment, but it's not unbearable yet. Plus we should get some money back from our Russia trip, so fingers crossed that helps out. Fortunately, working for the NHS, we will not be out of a wage during this crisis, even if I do get worked to the bone...

 

Day 733.

This morning we decided to go shopping after we took our eldest to school. It was an interesting experience. It was busy, and there were a lot of empty shelves (most notably the toilet roll shelf, which is now full of Easter eggs...)

The rest of the day went okay, not really any more unusual than normal. Didn't really do much, we have plenty of stuff that we need to do round the house, but we just took the day to chill, things have been quite stressful at work and with, and we took time out to be not quite so stressed.

Work tomorrow will be busy, and on a tight schedule, I will have to be on the ball. I have to travel to a different hospital again, and will be training someone in my department when I'm back.

This weekend, I will be taking time to sort the garden out, seeing as the kids will be spending more time at home now that school has been closed, so I would like the weekend to be productive, and it will be a long one as I'm off on Monday as well. Not sure what we will be doing yet, but we will hopefully not be restricted to the house...

 

Day 735.

Yesterday went well. I had to travel between hospitals again, and I was training a colleague, but I left work feeling pretty good.

When I got home, we all left to go to Tans parents for a meal celebrating her step dad's birthday, where we had a lovely meal, and a couple of drinks.

The kids took themselves to bed while we were there, so we left them, and got a child free night of sleep, and an unexpected lie in.

Today though, after we picked the kids up, started badly. Our eldest threw a massive temper tantrum, where she was lashing out and throwing things. She did finally settle down though, and we got on with what we intended doing, which was sorting the garden for the kids to be able to play in through the spring, seeing as school is closed.

The rest of the day went well, and we got the back garden sorted, although it is still a bit chilly outside at the moment. Our youngest wanted to go back in quite early on...

Tomorrow we tackle the front garden together, with new plants and a lawn mower.

 

736.

So just heard that us in the UK will be essentially in lockdown from tomorrow, except for the likes of me and my colleagues working in the NHS.

Tan is off now anyway, despite being a community nurse, as she is considered high risk, due to pregnancy and asthma, though she has to work from home, and look after the kids, so not exactly off the hook with an easy few weeks ahead of her...

I've been off today, and it doesn't seem like we have done that much, but it feels like we have as we changed the water in all three fish tanks (we keep tropical fish, two big tanks and one little one), which is a bit of an effort doing it manually. We used the dirty water to water the garden, seeing as we just planted it out a bit more.

The kids have been fighting on a bit today with each other, I hope it doesn't get worse while they are couped over the next few weeks.

Hopefully work will be manageable as we go through this week, I guess staffing will only get more difficult as time goes on at the moment...

 

Day 739.

Yesterday, our youngest daughter developed a fever, so our family is no longer even allowed to leave the house to get food from the shop, and obviously, we can't go to work. I guess we are just extremely fortunate that we have a garden and outdoor space for the kids, otherwise we would be trapped inside.

I have tried my best to support work by writing up some documentation and trying to organise things for while I'm not there. I feel very guilty for not going in, but obviously there is good reason for that.

The weather has been very good today, which has been a godsend for occupying a couple of bored, grotty kids, though it hasn't avoided all upsets, there have been a fair amount of tears, but they have been tired and somewhat unwell so I forgive them for it.

My manager has sent me several emails with SOP attachments to review to keep me occupied over the next few weeks.

I've been keeping up with my exercise over the past few weeks, managing 120 pushups a day. While we are off, I aim to add a few things to the workout to make it a bit more rounded. It's cool to notice the difference in how I manage with them physically.

 

Day 743

The past few days have been a bit strange, as we have been unable to leave the house, as our household has potential symptoms of covid-19, but despite us having a bit of a poorly house, it's been really nice on the most part spending so much time with the kids and Tan. We all lead busy lives, with work playing a big part, but taking work out of the equation has meant that we have been able to been able to take time to enjoy the little things in the kids lives.

All of us are symptomatic at the moment, with the kids having had fevers and a cough, along with painful, swollen neck lymph nodes. Tan and I have also had a fever, no cough though, but sore throats, headaches and swollen very painful necks.

These are all potential symptoms of covid-19, but are also symptoms of almost any other viral infection, and as we live in the UK (and because I work in the lab in an NHS hospital, not on the front line) we won't be entitled yet to coronavirus testing, so we can't find out what it is, and if we get symptoms again, we will have to self isolate again...

Daft, but if it helps to slow the spread down, and prevents more vulnerable people getting the disease then its worth it.

The past couple of days I haven't been in a position to do my workouts each day, as my muscles have been aching, and I've felt fatigued, and sleep hasn't been great either, but when the symptoms subside, I'm looking forward to doing it again. Hopefully that'll be in the next couple of days.

 

Day 746.

Thank you so much. I am not a man of faith, but I completely appreciate your prayers and encouragement. We are better than we were, but not entirely. Definitely on the mend though.

There are still aspects of my life that I need to get sorted, and it's mostly the problems that came with lying so much, about anything that would incriminate me in many areas of my life, not just PM.

Our eldest daughter (4 yo) has started lying about stupid things recently, like saying she did something or that she didn't do something to get herself out of trouble, and we are struggling to believe her half the time.

This is making me think whether it's me that's actually caused this, whether it's some kind of "family trait" that I've passed on, or if she's learned it from me. I may just be overthinking it, but her patterns do concern me.

I know, as long as we are strong in the way we teach her, and instill into her that lying only gets you into a worse mess and more trouble than just telling the truth and owning your mistakes, and that the lies that you use to protect yourself with just lead to people not believing anything you say.

I always remember certain people at school that used to just lie about everything to try and make themselves sound better, but no one believed anything they said.

I would hate for our daughter to end up like that, or worse, end up making mistakes like me, because they didn't want to look bad to keep up the veil.

2 years is a decent length of time, but I've made plenty of mistakes during that time, and have still got a lot of trust to build up in my relationship with my wife, but at the moment things aren't going bad between us (even with spending a week and a half so far stuck together with 2 young kids!)

Anyway...
All in all, this past week or so has gone pretty good, other than coming down with a virus of some description. Spending time together has been good, though today, I spent parts of my day working on paperwork for work, which wasn't especially exciting, but will mean that I don't have it to do when I go back to work where I'll have all my other work to do as well. We are still off until Tuesday so hopefully we're all still getting along okay by then!

 

Day 748.

I totally agree with what you have said, although obviously too late for coming clean, though I would give anything to change many of the poor decisions I have made. All I can do now is focus on my actions now and going forward, ensuring they are consistent and open.

Yesterday, Tan and I had a bit of a parenting argument over dealing with our eldest daughters night time tantrums. She was probably just fussing for attention, and so she didn't have to go to bed but I guess I'm just too soft. Part of it is probably that they are getting a bit bored being holed up in the house.

Tomorrow we have got a baby scan. In these strange times, I'm not sure what to expect, but I am looking forward to meeting the little one again. Fingers crossed all goes well.