This is my story...

I met my husband when I first started my job. He worked there too, and the first second I saw him, I knew I needed to have him. It was an instant attraction from the beginning. For about a year of working together, we constantly flirted and texted but never got together. Then one day we did...we made it official and I moved in with him about a month into our relationship. I knew from the very beginning he watched porn, and I did not mind it. At the time, I watched porn as well. I never viewed it as a bad thing. In fact, when I was 18 I was making money doing online live webcam shows. (It was a time in my life I am not proud of)
Anyways, we went through the whole honeymoon phase for the first 5 or 6 months having sex everyday, and then he started to reject my sexual advances and the sex became less and less. I assumed it was just from the new wearing off. Until one night, he rejected my advance and we went to bed. I usually fall asleep pretty quickly, but this time I wasn't asleep yet, and he got out of bed and went into the bathroom. 10 minutes went by, and he was still in there. So I got up and as I approached the door I could hear the porn video playing from his phone. I quickly returned to bed, and he came out about an hour later. I pretended to still be asleep and I did not say anything. But I was so confused about it. I liked porn, but I'd much rather have the real thing instead so I figured he'd feel the same way.
The next morning I got ahold of his phone and went to his browser history. Tons and tons of pages...the only pages he even visited on his Web browser was porn. It was the only thing he used it for. I questioned him about it, and he was saying it wasn't a big deal and he just likes it and it was nothing to worry about. I just took his word for it and didn't worry about it anymore.
A few weeks later we were at work, we pretty much worked side by side and he had to take a bathroom break. He usually always took long bathroom breaks at work..he always said he loved to get paid to take a shit lol well he did his usual long bathroom break. I had left my phone at home that day and asked to use his on break and while I had his phone I decided to look at the browser history again. More porn...and he was watching porn while in the bathroom at work...I knew then that this was a problem.
I got upset with him and he agreed to stop. I believed him and didn't watch over him.
He then got hurt at work and had to be out of work for 3 months. This time was the worse and hardest of it all. I kept finding it everyday. I bought spyware programs for his phone and thought I was doing good with it until I realized they won't log incognito mode or private browsing.
I started feeling crazy. I started thinking of breast implants...of everything. I felt like I wasnt good enough for him. I felt ugly.
He promised this time he'd quit again, and of course like always...I believed him. He had me fooled for longer this time. Long enough for me to get pregnant and for us to get married. Throughout my pregnancy, I never really gave the porn any thought. I figured this child would help him to grow up and he claimed it was past him. We had our beautiful daughter and she was perfect. Our marriage was perfect. We were best friends.
He then started having ED problems with me during sex...I thought it was very odd that a 26 yr old could have that problem...so I looked into it. He had been using the Web browser on his gaming console the entire time to watch porn. He never even stopped. So I put my foot down and got mad. I put parental controls on everything and an app lock on his Web browser on his phone. I thought I had it covered.
He knew how much this was hurting me, but it seemed like he never cared.
I got pregnant again. At around 3 months pregnant, I found that he was watching "lustful" videos of half naked women on facebook and searching for breastfeeding women on youtube. I never thought of monitoring those...after that...I left.
I took my daughter and got a hotel. I told my husband I was no longer doing it and asked for a divorce. It took a few weeks, but he eventually broke down about it. Cried and said he wanted to quit and wanted us to work. So, I got back with him.
So here I am with a 8 month old child and currently 6 months pregnant with our 2nd. And he is on his 7th day of porn free. I have an app on his phone that takes screenshots every 10 seconds while he is on his phone and parental controls on all of the gaming consoles. And on days that I feel like it, he allows me to put a webcam on him to monitor him.
He has researched the effects on porn and I feel like this time I really do believe him. But it's so hard for me to. I have hope and I have doubt at the same time.
This whole thing has really screwed me up in the head. I need to work on myself to feel better about myself but it's so hard when I'm constantly worried about him.

 

It had happened here and there throughout our entire relationship. The first time we even had sex, it happened. But at this time it was just more frequent, and pretty much everytime.
That is the one part that probably hurts the most too. It can work for millions of other women with no problem at all, but when it comes to me...it doesn't and I feel embarrassed after trying and trying to do whatever I can to turn him on and still nothing. At one time he had me believing that he had low testosterone and no sex drive at all. But when I found out about the porn, I was still confused...obviously he has a sex drive..just not for me. I made him go to the doctor to have his testosterone checked out. He's fine.

 

Hey we are starting a support group for the women/partners of porn addicts. You are welcome to join in. It's on the Bindle app. Get the app, make your account and search for #NFSOS
It's private and anonymous.

 

Yes we have worked together and drove to work together everyday up until 8 months ago when I had my daughter. I quit my job to stay home with her.

 

After researching everything I do feel better about it. It still hurts. But I do realize it's not my problem...it's his. The thought of not being good enough still enters my mind at times.
I have such a hard time trying to take care of myself. I don't feel like I can leave the house and leave him alone. On the weekends when he likes to stay up all night, I make myself stay up because I'm to scared to go to sleep while he's still awake. I make him use the bathroom with the door open, and if he closes it...I panic. I feel f'ing crazy.
I tear paper towels on the roll just to see if they have been used which doesn't work since we do make messes in our household.
It's so hard to deal with. I just want to scream!!!!!!

 

Well we have talked about it. We both agreed that it didn't really bother us to be around each other. We both have extremely clingy personalities. Since I've quit my job and we have been away from each other, it's been hard. So hard that my husband actually quit too. We worked around 60-70 hrs a week. It was hard being away from each other after being with each other so much.

 

But how? Where do I start? How do I stop worrying about what he's doing all the time? I need to go grocery shopping and I want to go get my nails done.
I miss my prenatal appointments because of the fear of him doing it. And we can't afford a therapist or counseling at this time.
He has to be in my sight at all times or else I lose it.

 

I understand that. But there are times I don't feel like he understands. He says he does. I guess I feel like he's solely doing this for me, and not for his self. So I feel that it's not taken seirously. I'm happy he cares so much for our marriage. But if he doesn't truly want to quit...he never will. I feel myself getting jealous over some of the men here that pray and talk about how bad they want to stop for themselves, and it's different how my husband sees it.
I'm pretty sure if I wasn't in the picture, the thought of stopping would not enter his mind.