Then you have made the hardest step in your process! Admitting it and reaching for help mate is all you can do. The therapist is there to help you completely and all I can say to you from personal experience of seeing a psychotherapist is be open and honest. I’m debating myself going to see him again as I’ve never touched upon this before or opened up about it but my other issues were really helped
Heyyy bud, I'm with @Rambler86 in this, it might seem like the worst idea right now to tell somebody out there about your problem, but trust me, it's for the best. You'll find yourself with fear inside before you speak about this with that one person, but in the moment you tell him/her about what you are going through you'll realise that he/she is only going to help and basically give you the tools to fight this problem whenever you find yourself struggling with it. That's what a psychologist does basically, helps you and also provides the tools to teach you how to help yourself. Wow, stop there. You don't need to be castrated or some crazy shit like that, man. Don't go so paranoid about that. At this moment, that's only in your head, nobody knows it and you haven't done anything that has an impact in real life, so think about that. At this moment, is like that problem doesn't exist except for you. So don't be too hard on yourself because everyone is living their life and you haven't done anything bad. You see, we are sensitive people, man. We enjoy so much the reality, even more than some people, and we breathe and love every moment that reality gives us. But, when something goes bad or really bad, we get suck up by that and find ourselves living in our minds, like prisioners who constantly wonder if there's still a world outside, we don't mind about anything more, become obsessed, and we stay broken from now on, at least until we learn how to get over it and start living in the present again. We have to learn to deal with this, to look at our fears face to face and get rid of them. We have to because it's the only way to set ourselves free from our mind and our problems. Try maybe the "five seconds rule" whenever your mind goes to fantasise about anything that you don't want to, count backwards from 5 to 1 and inmediately start thinking about something that you want or even be present in the moment if you can. Also, go outside man, staying isolated with your thoughts is never going to help so much. We are social animals and we have to be amongst others.
Be glad you're a aware of the problem at such a young age. I'm new too, and yeah the perverted furries ruined my life too (take a peek here this is my story, you may find it to be similar https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...usion-ruining-life.147436/page-2#post-1211712) Its good you're an artist, i also have a small interest in drawing. Just put your talent to better use than stupid furry stuff. I'd say avoid the SFW stuff too for now, maybe with time you could go back (as you probably know there's a lot of money in even the SFW stuff, furries are pretty stupid with their money) Just get away from the stuff. It might be hard but you'll feel the benefits pretty quickly.
Hello, I'm new here too. I just want to say, as someone that has been struggling with the same (or "worse") problems problems for over 18 years, you are doing the right thing in seeking help. I wish I had mustered the courage to admit I had a problem and that I needed to seek help when I was your age. You are, in fact, a very brave young man. Keep up the good work.
Wow...thank you guys for the immense support. First of all, thank you @Rambler86 and @It'sBlue . I will be going to see a therapist soon and I'll tell him what's on my mind. Yes, I do feel afraid of the thought of it right now, but I think this in combination with NoFap and also asking for help with my many problems with insecurity, I'm on a road to a brighter future. Yesterday, I went out with some friends, and, trust me, we had a BLAST! These friends used to be in a relationship and I honestly couldn't tell the difference. We shared Christmas gifts, and I got new writing materials and inking pens for drawing... @It'sBlue is TOTALLY right! I am a very sensitive person, but my main outlet is being with friends and other supportive people. I think I'm going to start asking my friends/advisor to hang out more often, as I feel like creating more memories together will help me accept the old ones I have. And yes, I was SUPER paranoid, but as soon as I got out with friends and had a good time, my heart was restored. Even just sitting there and chilling with my friends was enough to make life such more worth living. Maybe I could try to implement some activities I could do on my own that occupy my mind? I have a hard time doing that because I have perfectionism like CRAZY like this all seeing Eye is watching me do art and stuff...but music is my most free form of art. I love listening to it, watching live streams of producers, and producing it, myself (very medoicre, but hey, it's making me happy ). Above all things, the heart of my problems seems to be insecurity and internet addiction. Me being insecure makes me quick to look for validation on the internet via hypochondria, forums, and viewing porn and masturbating to make the insecure feeling go away. It's tough...but I know that with my friends, my advisor, and my therapist, there's nothing I can't do! @User6162, I read your story. Seems tough, as is for most of us, but I thank you for the additional reassurance that I am not the only one. Yeah, and I'll probably be off furry stuff for a while. I think if I'm going to get into anthro art, I might as well as give my mind time to heal from the scars and THEN go back with a non-obsessive mindset. I still know how to draw humans and stuff--in fact, my infatuation with the anthro art started recently. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. But hey, I can have a damn cool adventure with humans! For me, furries have always ALWAYS seemed "off" to me...like, I get there's people who support LGBTQ+ stuff and creativity and fandom stuff with their hearts, but furries seem to have a twisted view of it, and then go through so many motions to prove to the internet that they are not just porn viewing freaks. But even then...even if they weren't, what would that make them? Living in a fantasy? I'm all for participating in fantasies while my suspension of disbelief is established, but as soon as it ends, it ends. Snap back to reality. Even as a daydreamer, I don't let fantasies dictate my life UNLESS they become so wrong that it causes concern. I've created a fantasy world of myself when I was in isolation, and it was not fun, but when I was faced with a positive reality (my friends), I kinda woke up. Like, "Wow, none of that was even real." @tupiniquim , thank you. I wish you good luck on your journey! I would like to know what these worse issues are if you are comfortable. We all need help! I see a common theme here about me being so young and recognizing I need help...are there any people like that? Is it uncommon for people to be so self aware at this age? I'm curious because a lot of teachers have told me that I'm super self aware as well, that most of my problems are normal teen problems but my self awareness makes it personal and stuff like that. My best friend is self aware, too, and we have this joke that we're "cosmic twins" because we have the same problems (she is addicted to porn, she is a perfectionist, though she does give less craps than I do when it comes to something she wants...she is a true role model)! But I think with any ability at any age it is immature, and as you've witnessed, my self awareness sometimes turns into insecurity and self hatred, and I lock myself up in a hellish fantasy as some sort of consequence. Once again, thank you all! I'll keep you updated--I don't think this is just a porn problem any more. This is an identity problem, a self-esteem problem. An addiction to solely outside opinions. I'll make sure you guys know how I'm doing these 90 days, and hopefully someone like me, who's despondent, alone, trapped in a sick dream will find ways to get help and know in his or her heart that life is not finished yet. It has only begun.
@possible You're welcome! As for the "worst" part, for now lets just say that during these years I've become addicted to heavier kinds of pornography and/or masturbating in inappropriate places and times. Well they are not wrong, in the sense that during our adolescence it's perfectly normal for our hormones to be boiling under the surface. And masturbation is sort of a release valve. However, if masturbation and pornography becomes such a big part of our lives that it bothers us, asking for help is always the right way to go. By the time I was your age I was addicted to pornography for close to four years and watching / reading stuff that no 16yo should. It bothered me then as it bothers me now. But I never sought the help I needed, either because I was too afraid of people judging me or because I kept reading all over the place that it was perfectly normal when, looking in retrospect, it was really not. At that time despite me knowing that something was wrong, I didn't really know what this "something" was. And it only grew worse with time. To the point where it begun affecting my relationships. Anyway, I'll refrain from writing too much, both because I'm just as new to this as you are and because there are more experienced folks around here that might have better insights. I'll leave you with this: If you are able to, talk to your parents, they love you and hopefully will support you. Also professional counseling could help, ask for your parents to help you find a good counselor (psychologist is the term here in Brazil).
Okay, today marks the beginning of Day 3. Have I had the urge to masturbate these few days? Yup. Did I have disturbing porn memories? Yup. Did I do anything about them? Yeah. I got up and did something else. I also noticed that my sleeping position was making me get easily aroused, and I had a habit of humping the bed because of this, so I got an extra pillow stacked up and now I sleep on my back (plus the extra pillow is super comfy). I made an art piece! I'll link it in another reply. Keeping in touch with my friends has helped. Playing video games and just letting myself have fun is a great remedy. When a thought I don't like comes and arousal or displeasure comes, I simply let it sit there for a couple seconds and it moves along. I also began practicing driving...and yeah. I suck XD not that badly, but I remembered that before I used to have driving practice I would worry till the end of time about it, but the only thing that happened was I got really mad because I completely forgot. I had anxiety for a few minutes, but then I let it pass, wrote down my thoughts, and instead of sitting still for 50 minutes waiting for practice to start, I played some video games! All my anthro art? Gone. Not burned or anything, just out of sight. My DeviantArt app? Uninstalled. I still get triggers when watching any videos that mention furries and anthros and stuff (it's the butt of a lot of internet jokes). I simply endure the feelings because I know they'll go away if I keep my mind running. I'm SLOWLY getting used to not judging my thoughts. Do I have a black belt? No...but I'll get there. It's going to be a lifetime though, as a lot of progress in life resides in processes, not simply cause and effect circumstances. Of course this is only day three, but when I forgot about the 90 day goal and just said I'm going to do it today and let my subconscious process that, I had more fuel to go forward. You newbies (as I am) CAN do it. You must learn your habits, what triggers your arousal and lust for porn, how you think of yourself, what you're going through, how do you have fun. For me, boredom fed into a cycle of emptiness which made me numb to doing any activities that didn't have an immediate reward. However, masturbation has an immediate reward, and porn helped me get there faster. But the consequences of this is addiction, more boredom with no will to resolve it, more emptiness, etc. I'm a gifted student (no, this is not a brag, it just means my learning processes are quicker than most--that doesn't mean CRAP if I'm lazy), and several traits I have are asynchronous development (my mental development is FAR beyond my emotional), easy boredom (I do things too quickly or get bored of some things so easily that I just avoid them), and high sensitivity (when I have a good time with friends, it's a REALLY good time, or when I get hit hard with grief, it's a REALLY bad time, etc.). Most of the time at school I'm doing my maximum potential of work but when it comes to breaks like these, MY MIND DOESN'T LIKE IT! It looks stupid the boredom cycle and says, "Hello! Do something productive!" I've encountered this issue as fusing my school and personal life. The need to be 100% efficient at all times or else I'll...be...worthless? I get this from my dad and school and stuff. I need to learn relaxing activities, is all, and to turn activities like reading and writing that are tied to school into something just as fun as bingeing One Punch Man on Netflix. I'll keep updating, but as of now, toodleoooooooop!
UPDATE: Day 5 begins. Strong urge to masturbate. Same thing with yesterday. My mind is littered with sexual thoughts. However, school is going to start again tomorrow, and the days will go by faster, and I will be more occupied, and I can make it!
@It'sBlue , you mentioned you watched zoophilic things, right? That's a problem I had too--now I'm afraid I'm a zoophiliac because every time I think about dogs and stuff, I get anxious and aroused, and I feel so wrong. I have my own dog! I don't want anything to happen to him...I don't. Not by my hands or anyone else's. I've been obsessively looking up paraphilias and bringing it up with my therapist--maybe I am a paraphile and I'm just in denial? Yes, I watched and masturbated to the porn before, but now I've stopped, but all that's coming back are memories of the porn. Just so you know, the furry stuff was more of what I watched and then it escalated into zoophilia. I'm so afraid that if I tell my therapist, he'll just report me, I won't be trustworthy, and I'll have no hope, no future because damn it, my fucking friend...the fucking internet... I've been learning more about neuroplasticity and have joined a mindfulness class, but the intrusive memories of porn keep coming back, making me feel like I want to masturbate to things I don't want to. My moral compass will not allow it, I will not allow it. Now I'm afraid of petting my dog. Now I'm afraid of sexual arousal in general. All because some fucking friend of mine when I was in like 6th grade showed me a damn picture of two anthro wolves having sex and stuff--what the hell! I have seriously had passive suicidal thoughts and depression, and my concentration has lowered. Is this a sign that I'm actually into it? I'm pretty sure it's just masturbation conditioning, but the thoughts keep coming back. Why didn't I stay away in the first place? Why didn't I click off? Just so you know, I do not plan to do anything related to what I watched. You see me--repulsed by it, the fact that some people do this do dogs and other animals! And now they've got me conditioned. But I would rather die... I just hope that my therapist does not judge me and find actual ways of coping with these thoughts/memories. This is not who I am...but my mind so desperately thinks it is so. Please, some insight on this would be appreciated. Everywhere I go on the internet, it's just "nope, you're done for, you can't change anything" when neuroplasticity says you can.
Oh, and just FYI, it's not every time that I think of dogs. It's just times when I'm either already aroused (teenage hormones) or times I have agoraphobia (fearing that I will have anxiety because of ____).
Hey buddy, nah, I don't think that this is our sexual orientation at all. Most likely is something that we think or occurs when we, like you've said, are anxious or worried or whatever negative feeling or thought we be having at the time. I recommend you to stop reading everything on the Internet, stop watching porn and even PMOing for a while, and talking about everything with your therapist. Thoughts come and go man, they don't last forever, and one day we'll be so sure about our sexual orientation that we won't even hesitate about it. Working hard and suffering are key things to change.
How would you suggest I communicate this to my therapist? What I'm hearing is that my therapist will take my story the WRONG way and that he will assume I have some paraphilia. Don't get me wrong, I'm still skeptical on that issue, but what I'm trying to do is get rid of these unwanted thoughts and memories and the unwanted urges that come along with it. I actually had my first, well, not first, maybe like third or fourth "sexual feelings" for someone--a male. I think my true sexuality is bisexual, but I'm not sure. ANYWHO! Today, at school, I was frightened being around anything animal like. One of my teachers has a bunch of stuffed animals and I wanted to hug one, but I felt like I wanted to do it in a sexual way, and I got anxious, and unwanted thoughts came. However, I learned in mindfulness class about will power--the power to keep self control over things. But it's not just not wanting to do something, but wanting to do something and knowing what you want. What I want, truly, is to discover my true sexuality, and what I want to do is stop shaming myself for having these thoughts. Yes, zoophilia and furries and animal mating porn were things I masturbated to in the past because I was confused and I was exposed to it early on--but I don't have to associate with any of that. I can change who I become. I may have some limitations at first (unwanted thoughts and memories, doubts, temptations, unwanted arousal, etc.), but overall, I've been making a goal in my mind to stop associating with a zoophilic label. I am not that. I was conditioned that way and the sexual urges make it feel that way, but it is in no way true. If I can keep that goal in mind and stive toward it instead of focusing solely on what I don't want, it is more likely that that is the outcome. Focusing on the negative sometimes can become a self fulfilling prophecy. So, back to my original question. My therapy session is on the 15th of January. How do I go about telling my therapist about what's been going on considering that I viewed some crazy ass shit? Should I focus solely on coping with the thoughts with no backstory, or if I should include backstory, how should I present it? He's not a sex therapist, mind you--he specializes in OCD, anxiety ,and general psychology. Has any of you had professional help with this serious of an issue? I just don't want to end up saying something that is taken the wrong way and ends up destroying my entire life. Help is appreciated. It's so difficult having this issue at this age...ugh. At least you guys can provide something.
Sorry for not answering you earlier. Didn't have the motivation/energy or the clear mind to do it... Porn can really shape/deform our tastes, but nothing is set in stone, man. Go to a therapist like everyone said, tell your parents you need to go because you are having bad times or if you feel brave enough tell them everything, but that's your choice, whatever you choose it's ok, if you don't want to tell them now, don't rush it, during therapy you'll see the things way better and maybe one day you'll be ready to tell them. But let me insist, please. Go to therapy, man. It's the best decision you can take at this moment for sure, he/she WON'T judge you, trust me, I'm seeing a therapist and even when I have my thoughts about being judge by her, those fears have never been confirmed at all seeing how she is to me. P.D: Sorry, I'm an idiot haha, actually didn't see you had a date already set with a therapist, anyway I'm not erasing what I've written because it's the truth. So, answering to your question, TELL HIM EVERYTHING. Backstory, whatever comes to your mind it's important in order to understand the problem and it's root, so don't keep anything to yourself. Maybe you don't feel like telling him everything in the first sessions, but trust my experience, the sooner you are open about your problems, the sooner you both can start changing everyting! And also, stop watching porn man, do it for you, and never look back at it again, you will start to remember much more things underneath your problems if you don't have any addictions to anything that are keeping you disconnected from yourself! Keep fighting and remain strong!
Okay, yeah... it's scary, but I've been having more flashbacks, and I felt hopeless and was close to admitting I was a paraphiliac, but this post caught me. I still have one question--what has your therapist told you about YOUR zoophilia porn problem? Look, I have more to tell here-- I remember fantasizing about dogs a long. Time. Ago. Most of my fantasies and (now I remember) even erotica have been about cartoon animals, anthropomorphic animals, and even real animals...that was when I was watching pornography for the first couple of times. What I'm trying to do here is match my situation with yours. The more I get to know about your struggles, the more I can understand mine and see what is the next course of action. What if I sought OUT zoophilia porn? I just wished I was a normal child, a normal kid...without any of these problems. But I need more information. I'm still convinced I have a paraphilic disorder. What went wrong? Sorry if I'm causing myself more anxiety...
By erotica, I meant ones I read, not wrote. I've never written erotica. I wonder if I'm just creating a delusion for myself...maybe this is all fantasy gone wrong. Ugh! Now, I have slightly less care about getting bad repercussions from my therapist because I probably get what I deserve...nobody wants a damn paraphile walking around, breathing, living. He has potential to be dangerous, right? I just hope I'm not a paraphile, but all signs are pointing to yes, but then again that's only from my research. But I fit all definitions to a T! Why am I so messed up? I know I need to stay strong. I want to fight this back. But what if--God forbid--I am just a paraphile? I know many have said I will get past this--I must be getting impatient, I guess. I'm so lost. It's like constantly feeling like I'm going to actually do these things, and then I get feelings like "nope, it's not porn induced, that makes no sense." I wish I never thought about sex. Masturbation. But guess what? It's my burden--you know why? Because there are people in this world who have these perverted attractions, so it's three options for me: 1) A paraphile in denial who just noticed his paraphilia. 2) I'm having ZOCD triggered by pornography I used to watch. 3) The porn flashbacks are tied to a dopamine rush cause by masturbating--it doesn't matter what I watched, just that I masturbated to it. Again, still having doubts, fears--if not a paraphile, I will get help. If I am, I would just be reported, trained not to be the criminal I am, and cannot be changed... These are my darkest fears. The fact that I may be one. I don't want to! I want to be a normal, functioning human being! I don't want to be viewed as a threat with no hope. I don't want these urges, these thoughts, these fantasies... 16 years old, and soon, it will be determined whether I get help or somebody will stop me before I become what I'm afraid of becoming even though I never. Wanted. It. This. Way.
Man, nobody is going to report you or anything, these people treat with all kinds of problems and I don't think you are a paraphile and just that. It's normal to put your head upside down with this because you probably, like me, have OCD and porn was never looked at like something that could harm us and mess with our heads, so chill a bit man. You need to speak with this therapist in order to start knowing this about your brain and how it works, he will be the person who'll bring peace into your life, trust me, we are not monsters at all, we are just suffering and desperate sometimes. I haven't spoken with my therapist about zoophilic porn because that was like 5 years ago or something and it didn't really bother me at that time, later on I got worried but it got better when a friend from a friend said that he watched dog-human porn years ago, so my OCD about that faded away that easy, and I haven't looked at animals in real life that way since I was a kid frankly, but my problem with porn is another one that didn't fade away and it's torturing me. In fact, when I look at it that way, it's probably going to fade like it came into my life, with some time but kind of fast, and we'll look at everything normally again in a time, man. We are just "traumatized" and obsessed with the things that we have seen and thought about, but it's just that, a powerful illusion that will go away eventually. You'll see that you start to feel better when you speak about this with your therapist, just be patient and trust me. Keep going!
Okay, I went with my therapist and did not talk about my current struggle with this. Instead, I went back to my problem with rumination, and here's what I'm doing to minimize it: 1) Limiting googling sessions. Do you know how many times I've had to delete the words "paraphilia, zoophilia" from my phone's keyboard's dictionary? So many times...I just want to get these feelings cured, you know? And that's what I try to do by searching them up in the internet, but I get more scared hearing other people's stories. And then I spiral, down, down, all the way down. I basically was spending too much time googling to validate my feelings, which led me to more rumination and self loathing. 2) Getting out of myself. Just being around people, talking with my friends or teachers, helps. 3) Mindfulness meditation twice a day. Helps me relax and exercise distancing myself from thoughts... 4) Journaling. I've actually been keeping a journal with all my thoughts and experiences as I've experienced it. 5) Reconnection with my spiritual side. I've kind of gone back to my belief in Jesus after learning that he instructs me to not only to forgive others, but to also forgive myself. Self forgiveness is the key, I think. If these feelings go away or if these feelings stay, whatever it is, hating myself for it only leads myself to indulge in porn and masturbation again. I must recognize what causes me suffering and what I can be hopeful about so that my adversities become opportunities for growth. It's scary, you know? To think that being attracted to animals is even real. How does it even happen? I don't know...I'm pretty sure my exposure to furry porn and animal mating videos didn't help. But hopefully this is a passing phase, not to dismiss the weird feelings and pain it causes me now. Weird thing two: I remember having these, like, "crushes" on cartoon animals? Am I a furry? I don't even care. I just know there are two main goals I want to push toward: 1) Dissociate sexual feelings with animals of ANY kind. Cartoon, real, etc. Not that I'm trying to have these feelings, people, because, trust me, I wouldn't be spewing out all these rants if I wanted these attractions. 2) Be able to continue my appreciation for animals WITHOUT any relation to sex. I remember as a child, I loved to draw animals and make these comics. I want to share that love with others. But since we have shit like Rule34, I just fear my creation will be perverted into something disgusting, and that I will...like it? I don't know. You guys, just know that you've been really helpful. All of you, really. I can say my porn usage is not even addictive at this state--I kind of realized how boring it was a couple of days ago. It's just now...I don't want to live life like I'm hiding a secret. Like I actually will have these feelings forever. I just wanna be the guy who likes making stories and art, whether or not the characters are animals or not. I want to entertain people. I want to make them feel awesome. I want them to experience the worlds I can create...but I feel like my perversions get in the way of that. But I will not be at myself up for it. I am not a child, for crying out loud. I am growing to be an adult. I deserve to mentally treat myself better despite what causes me erections, because then that's when I'll heal. Or maybe, even through all this, I find out that I'm not a zoophile. I'm just I guy who was knocked down by porn and unwanted fantasies and gave into them a long time ago, but in the future, I could pass days without giving these thoughts the power. I'm forming my own path. I'm learning self control and the will power to do what I want despite what my conditioned/perverted impulse is.
