The Rebirth

This is not my first time on here in fact its been a year since I last posted here. Here is my original story https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/nofap-–-my-story-a-journey-into-darkness.69662/. June 24th, 2016. That’s how long it has been and unfortunately I relapsed so many times that is what not even worth posting on here to be honest. But everything is different now I have a new story to tell.

So I have anxiety and for many years I have irrationally believed that girls were not interested or attracted to me at all despite the fact that I am not a bad looking guy at all. I have been in denial my whole life and blocked out all opportunities because of it. I’m 31 now and I have never had a girlfriend. So over the years I have been using dating apps to meet girls which has been working although I still have not experienced what its like to have a girlfriend but again that is down to my anxiety and the fact that I keep holding back. Because the girls are generally interested most of the time but I tend to hide my real personality under layers of fear and anxiety…

I am ashamed to admit that I was a virgin for a very long time because of this but I did lose my virginity in 2015, unfortunately I had to go down the escort route… Fast forward to today and even though I have still been using escorts I did finally do it the right way! I met a girl on OkCupid this year we had a drink at a bar and then I went over to her place. She was able to orgasm but unfortunately I could not get hard enough for penetration because of PIED and ED. I have had ED for years and I have only been able to cum when I masturbate myself. BJ, hand jobs and penetration does nothing for me I just don’t feel it. Anyway I guess I made her feel really bad because even though I made her orgasm she could not do the same for me so she did not seem interested in meeting up again… That’s when I realised I have a serious problem and hence the reason why I am back here again.

So this time around im going full on hard mode with the aim to never ever masturbate or watch porn again. Its been 13 days so far and I have flatlined I feel nothing at all. I have gone from having a very high sex drive (I even thought about masturbating at work in the toilets) yes it was that extreme. To feeling nothing, I’m not turned on I don’t even feel the need to watch porn at all right now. I want to do hard mode for 3 months ideally 6 months before I try to have sex again. I disabled all of my dating profiles so there will be no distractions at all.

I have read this story https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...and-desensitization-and-how-you-can-to.74377/ about going through the different phases and the importance of having real sex the re-wire the brain. Right now I am so desensitised I can’t get as hard as I used to, definitely not hard enough for penetration probably due to death grip and excessive porn. I am actually worried I have done some nerve damage maybe am I the only one who feels this numb and bad down there? I don’t really think I should be trying to have sex after 30 days that’s far too soon for me I think the failure to reach climax will increase my anxiety surely. Although I do agree that I should be trying to get myself used to being around real girls more so that my brain is rewired away from the fantasies of porn. I am just a little worried that I might get myself into a situation which leads to potential sex or a girlfriend opportunity and I have to hold back because I fear they wont accept me the way things are right now…

I had a private consultation for ED not long ago and I even mentioned the NoFap community to the consultant who had not heard of it. Apparently there are a lot of treatment options out there for this. Like I said earlier I want to do hard mode for 3 – 6 months so I wont be using them for a long time and even so the first thing I will try to do is ease my self into having sex without the drugs first just to see what happens. They are like a last resort.

I truly believe that i can beat the porn this time! I am both an avid gamer, programmer and big TV and Movie watcher. I will use those distractions to keep my mind of the porn forever and also the knowledge that this is seriously ruining my life and preventing me from connecting with people.