Disclaimer: If you possess some left wing/feminist views, no judgement, but this is not a good thread for you to read. There are phases of recovery for a married man. Phase 1: Being wrecked. Everything is broken, your wife is hurting, life looks bleak Phase 2: Incremental progress. Things move in a positive direction, but there are many ups and downs. Phase 3: You begin to lead your marriage again (or perhaps for the first time) despite some remaining brokenness. Phase 3 is what I want to elaborate on today. This phase is only possible if you have dealt with your shit, and continue to do so. Partially with your spouse, mostly with trusted friends, a journal, a therapist, God, etc. Most of your processing with your wife should be about things that she is still hurting over, SHE SHOULD NOT BE YOUR ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER. At this point, you begin to preside over your household again as a man should and start leading. You may not feel qualified. You may feel insecure or scared to do so. You may ask yourself questions like “What if she doesn’t respect me? What if I upset her?” Well sometimes those things will happen, but that cannot stop you from finding the balance of tenderness and assertiveness in your leadership. Some of you will weakly and sarcastically interpret this as “So be a douchebag...got it...ugh” That would be incorrect. Assertiveness is confidence, not domination and abuse. Why does all this matter? It matters because now that I am in Phase 3, my wife is starting to look at her own heart and examine some areas she needs to grow as well. Because I have been so intentional about not just quitting Porn, Porn Substitutes, Fantasies and Masterbation, but undergoing a total change in heart and mindset that makes not doing those things substantially easier, I can now help my wife as well. Last night we talked for two hours about her, some areas she is hurting and growing, and I was able to guide her through it by striking that balance of tenderness and assertiveness. You can do this to. It took me almost six months to get to Phase 3. It may take some of you longer or way less time, but if that is your goal, you can find it. As a man, you are meant to lead your household. You are meant to provide, protect and preside over it. This is what your wife wants from you. She wants to see your competence, and as you find it, it will help her tremendously. When she knows she can talk to you about the hard things without you getting angry or withdrawaing, she will feel safe. When she can see you living your life as a man of integrity, she will feel safe. When she sees you competently leading, she will feel safe.
Do you think Phase 3 can begin .. if your wife is still trying to determine if the marriage should go the divorce route or the reconciliation route? My journal entry from last night sums up where my wife and I find ourselves at this point ... 8.5 months after DDay. We are finally together-on-the-same-continent for the last 1.5 weeks now / we are trying to settle into this new normal of living together, effectively maritally separated. You wrote: "You are meant to provide, protect and preside over it. This is what your wife wants from you." That part in green .. that statement / that assumption might not always be true -- what if my wife doesn't want that from me / what if she doesn't want to me married to me anymore? (she is obviously working through those thoughts/feelings)
On a macro level this is what your wife wants, but what she is working through right now is trying to determine if she believes that is possible or if she is better off looking elsewhere for it. That is something she is trying to settle in her heart. “Is he capable of being the man I need?” That is what is going through her mind. She still loves you, otherwise she would be gone already. I dont know the nuances of your situation, but it sounds pretty intense, so its going to require continual patience on your end and of doing the right thing while she works through her feelings. Work to continually find your identity in God, live from that place, and you will be what she needs when she needs it. If she decides to leave then you can have a clean consciousness knowing you did what you could. If she stays (likely) then you can work through phase 2 over time and then get into phase 3. Timelines will vary.
Good thoughts / good words...thanks. Many months ago I came up with the phrase "infinite patience" -- as a way to describe the level of patience that I need to strive for with my wife. It is not easy...especially since the patience and space that we are giving each other feels like we are avoiding the issue of "us" and growing farther apart. But, at the same time I cannot force the issue / force reconciliation. Our newly found CSAT (she is a Christian too like us) ... she told me last week that I need to try my best to sit back this year (2018), not push for reconciliation, let my wife process through things, etc. All signs point to a long, laborious year.
Yeah that sounds about right. Try to look at is this way: you’ve done a good job (as we all have) proving what a monster you can be. The good news is you can’t be virtuous if you aren’t also a monster, so commit 2018 to proving how virtuous you are for your own sake, then hers, then your children’s.
I think you have got a lot of really great stuff to say and advice to offer. And while I am in no way a left wing feminist I think you need to be careful giving a one size fits all answer to a woman wanting a man to lead or take charge, because while that may work for your relationship it’s likely to make things a lot worse for others. As SOs we certainly all ask can he be the man that I need, bit each SO needs different things from their man. It pre PMO the relationship did not have the man as the leader trying to act like that now is not going to go well. If a man said that to me I’d be gone, and angry. I seek an equal relationship with no leader and I don’t think a woman needs to be a feminist to have that thought.
I would never want a man to provide (I make enough to do that for me and him) preside or protect me. The preside one actually gives me a little chuckle to even think about. So while certain wives may seek this, just as many do not, and behaving in that way can make things a lot worse. You know your wife, is rest wjar she wants? If not please don’t do it.
